[perpetuallysad]

(As usual, I will try to be brief... we'll see how that works out.)

Do you ever feel that its difficult to determine if you have a legitimate gripe or if you are just being nit-picky because of your bipolar related things (like I have huge control issues and I get angry/frustrated very easily & I have severe anxiety problems which are exacerbated when I don't have control of things. Does that make sense at all?).

My husband is a very, very laid back person. He's kind and sweet and extremely generous... the list goes on and on. When I am angry with him I always call him perfect (which he seems to be and that's really freaking annoying). He flat out refuses to engage in any sort of argument or fight with me. No matter what the problem, no matter if I did something terrible or mean, he will not engage me. This is maddening. Last night I completely flipped out on him and I KNOW I hurt him pretty badly by calling him an asshole (among other things, but I know this specifically hurt him because he looked like I struck him when I said it).

In the beginning of the disagreement (that I am the only one participating in) I believe I had a legitimate gripe, but then it sort of rolled into this huge deal because he won't engage in any sort of fight with me. This makes me absolutely furious because how can someone never be mad? Never be angry, never pissed? Seriously, that's such a hard ideal for me to live up to. Its like he's this perfect person with all of this patience and caring and I'm this horrible ***** that attacks him for no reason. So, after I literally screamed at him for 2 hours and attacked everything about him I could come up with I just left the room and went to sleep.

So here's the thing: how in the hell can I ever have a legitimate complaint and not end up being a complete ****ing *** about it? I end up being a horrible jerk and then I end up feeling like everything under the sun is my fault and that initiates my deep held desire to "leave"--just literally walk away and go die in the woods somewhere or something.

What do I do? Right now I just cannot apologize because I am so, so tired of it always being me. Always my fault.

[Moreta]

Like you said, the bipolar mind can play tricks on you. Why don't you try writing down your complaint, so you can think about it, before you act? Your husband is doing what a spouse should do, when us bipolars are acting out. My husband does the same thing, and......it makes me even madder. I'm always afraid I'm actually going to act out and end up getting arrested for spousal abuse. Then I start thinking about that, since it would be physically impossible (my husband in 6'8", i'm 5'8") and by redirecting my brain to that, and the fact reminding myself that I do not have the abilities of Batman, I tend to forget why I was mad in the first place. We've also been working on our communication between us. Maybe you could tell your husband what you want him to say when you are yelling at him. I told my husband to not yell back.

You also have to analyze the situation, and find out if what happened really is your fault.

Good luck.

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks queen. I think it is my fault. The original thing was just a disagreement about how he fussed at our son over something minor. This isn't new for me, I am constantly doing this. I feel very, very upset right now. I am so tired of this. Why does he even bother to stay with me?

[perpetuallysad]

I really need someone to talk to. I wish someone would respond to this (thank you queen for doing so...). I am at the end of my rope and don't know what to do.

[onomonapetia]

Perpetuallysad: I cannot believe you just posted this!!! I was just thinking this all day today. I actually went to my pdoc today and told him that I can't ever tell which is rational or me just being "bipolar." I am so sick of being effing angry and confused all the time. I think originally the gripe starts out to be a reasonable complaint, but when we don't get the response we want, we blow up. I don't know about you, but when I am "abusing" him, as he put it yesterday, I can hear this tiny voice in my head telling me to "please shut it, you are doing irreparable damage." I never can. I almost feel like I can't type this fast enough so you don't feel so alone!!! Yesterday I knew the ape **** crazy mode was about to strike so I went upstairs and got into a COLD shower and stayed there until I was calm. It worked and when I came downstairs, he was cooking dinner! PLEASE pm me if you want to talk. I am feeling very alone in this as well. I don't have anyone in my "real" life that I can talk to about this stuff, ya know?

[WendyAussie]

Does you husband have a single brother!!?? lol

I think it's great you made this post. As well as being a Beeper and having Panic and Anxiety Disorders I am an 11 years sober alcoholic in AA. One of the things we learn in AA is the "inventory process" which is basically about fessing up to our grosser character defects and thus giving ourselves the opportunity to do something about them. And it is VERY hard to get into the habit of fessing up, but a very valuable, life-changing habit.

I think though, that being aggressiive rather than assertive isn't just attributable to Bipolar. The whole Human Race suffers from this dynamic so I don't think we ought to attribute all of our dysfunctional emotions or approaches to the illness. It's a Universal phenomenon and a hard act to perfect assertiveness. But a lot of Beepers, certianly me, also come from an abusive neglectful and terrifying upbringing and I think that cultivates aggression because as kids we are in survival mode and also not taught proper coping mechanisms and we bring those coping mechanisms into adulthood and they are not always productive to us as adults.

I loved the idea above of slowing down your anger and reactions by putting them to paper - either written or typed in Word. My suggestion is to then put them aside until the next day, when you may not be so agitated. Even while I was working in a professional career that I can no longer do due to my illnesses, I tried to use a rule of thumb of typing a letter or email when in anger, then holding it aside until the next day to review with a quiter mind. When I didn't do it - and fired off to people in anger, I often regretted it. That's also about delaying Instant Gratification, which can maifest itself as down loading our intense feelings to others arther than sitting with them.

I still get accused by my psychiatrist of being like a "dog with a bone" when I hang onto an issue and want to drive it to conclusion, but I do claim that I have progressed a million miles from when I started in AA in terms of being more assertive rather than agressive. I used to steam roll people.

The other thing is therapy. I don't know if you are in therapy, but this is the type of major issue that can really really be helped by therapy. And seeking a trusted and WISE therapist and fessing up honestly, brutally honestly, like you have in this thread is the start of finding amzing life long tactics and strategies to deal with our own emotions, life situations and people. I have really benfitted feom therapy as well as meds.

[sugahorse1]

I also often feel really bad after an arguement. I feel I've gone over the top and responded unnecessarily aggressive, or made bigger of something than necessary. I feel guilty about it, and end up sending an sms or e-mail to my boyfriend to apologise.
I don't know if it's a case of discerning between the bipolar and rational you. I think that when you aren't stable, the consequence of being bipolar is that you cannot control your actions and thoughts and thinking in a rational way.
Not sure if the difference I'm trying to make is obvious and clear?
But to cut a complicated story short - I don't think you're alone in this. I think therapy can help teach you coping mechanisms, and if you can learn ot give youself some extra tiem before responding in order to rationalise your thoughts, it will also go a long way to a happier you.

btw - sounds like you have an awesome man there!

[perpetuallysad]

Well, as onomonapetia so eloquently put it, I went ape **** last night. See, the thing is that I, 99% of the time, am rational. I do wait. I don't say the barbed stuff that is in my head. And that leads to this huge build up. When I am in the middle of an "episode" (I have no idea what to call it) it takes weeks of building up and I work every day to keep from losing it, but it gets harder and harder until I do finally break down. When I mean break down, I mean literally sobbing/crying until I can barely breathe, writhing around, cannot stop from "pushing" with my legs, arms, neck... it is debilitating (I usually end up on the floor or somewhere lying down, because I obviously would just break my neck if this all happened when I were standing up). Last night I was hurting myself so badly during my episode that my husband held my upper body tightly just to at least keep my arms and neck under control. It lasted (all the wringing and wrenching) for probably an hour and then I just cried myself to sleep. Once it gets like that I cannot even talk. I feel like an alien that is trying to speak to beings that could never understand me. The only positive part of this is that after an episode, I usually have from a week to a month before another happens. I actually managed to go from March until yesterday between them this last time.

[Special-K]

Your post HITS HOME FOR ME too. Your illustration of your evening with your husband is almost every night at my house. I get outraged when he will not engage, but our situation has escalated to another level I feel. I call him names & I have gotten him to get mad. Like you explained your husband doesn't get angry, well mine didn't. But I pryed & pryed & now he does get mad too.

I don't know how to ignore the petty things I get aggravated by. In the morning when I'm getting ready for work between 6 & 7am he's still sleeping cause he doesn't have to go to work till later. I go in the room while he's sleeping to tell him he left the door unlocked, left something out, forgot to do ____
I can't get over it. I can't just let it go, I let it dwell in my mind till I'm angry & I go unleash. The poor man can do no right. Were going to go to marriage counseling but its going to be very stressful. The only time we can go is after work & we have a 15 month old. Its so difficult but I try to hold it together & learn what I can where I can. I am in so much therapy. Maybe that is the link that's keeping us together.

Now I'll go read the rest of the replies I was too inpatient to read the first time. So eager to post my response. I have no patience.

Great post

[Special-K]

Originally Posted by onomonapetia

Perpetuallysad: I cannot believe you just posted this!!! I was just thinking this all day today. I actually went to my pdoc today and told him that I can't ever tell which is rational or me just being "bipolar." I am so sick of being effing angry and confused all the time. I think originally the gripe starts out to be a reasonable complaint, but when we don't get the response we want, we blow up. I don't know about you, but when I am "abusing" him, as he put it yesterday, I can hear this tiny voice in my head telling me to "please shut it, you are doing irreparable damage." I never can. I almost feel like I can't type this fast enough so you don't feel so alone!!! Yesterday I knew the ape **** crazy mode was about to strike so I went upstairs and got into a COLD shower and stayed there until I was calm. It worked and when I came downstairs, he was cooking dinner! PLEASE pm me if you want to talk. I am feeling very alone in this as well. I don't have anyone in my "real" life that I can talk to about this stuff, ya know?

I hear you sister!!! I could hardly type fast enough too! We get excited when we feel FINALLY someone relates

[leah0306]

oh girl, you have just described me...i feel such rage and he gets the brunt of it, i have such a issue with feeling im not being taken seriously-or being understood- and i ****ing flip....i have been so verbally abusdive to him that if it was me being treated that way id have walked out long ago, my husbanf is hard to argue with, hes great at being silen-which makes me crazy(he insists i like to argue, along with my mom too, she also agrees) and i get out of control...im ashamed to admit that i hit, smack, and bite and punch,scratsh him, i thind because i know i can get away with it-i dont treat anyoneelse this way-makes me sound like a *****-i hate i do this-but the anger and hurt and paranoia of thinking hes trying to fool me, or hes lying, or doesnt care...so you see i am insecure in relationships and have trust issues too ((sigh)) i dont know how he deals with his frustration, but its not noticable so i dont know and by the way i dont apoligize either... god, as i read this i seem horrible but its not very often it gets like this, i allow anger to build up till i go off(but never in front of daughter) its disruptive and troubling, was told therapy would help, but it hasnt really... so dont worry your difficult, i believe that us that deal with mental disorders have alot on our shoulders, the burden of just trying to appear sane takes its toll...but maybe you would benefit from therapy? just trying to sound encouraging okay ill stop rambling... take care dear

[perpetuallysad]

Well ladies, I do appreciate that there are those who can understand me. I feel so alien sometimes. I am really, really worn out today because of the thing last night, so I have little I am able to add right now, but you all sound so much like me. And if my husband did a 16th of what I do to him to me I would have kicked his *** out the first time. That's a thing I get upset about too, maybe he's just humoring me? Maybe I'm his charity case? Why would anyone stay with someone like me?

And I have been in therapy for nearly 6 years now and it has done zero to help with this, but I don't have one of those hunky dory great therapists who holds my hand and makes me feel good and all of that. He is very old school psychiatrist who actually practices therapy (though I am one of the few patients he actually uses psychoanalysis on, he does med management only on most of his other patients).

[sugahorse1]

arg - I'm in the same boat right now - i feel so guilty and bad about it