Bipolar disorder related in any way to wanting to run away?

Hello, I am new here so I am sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but I have a question. My boyfriend suffers from bipolar disorder and has also been told he may have some dissociative traits as well.
Every time something happens in his life that is tough, he breaks down and tells me that he is going to run away/move away to California. He has been doing this since January (we started dating in November) and has done it everytime he gets very upset about something, usually having to do with his ex and issues over their daughter.
He obviously never made good on his threats to leave, but something just happened again and I really think he is going to leave this time. He said he cant deal with the stress and he knows no other way to get away from it other than to move to the other side of the country, away from everything here that he knows. He has told me he already has a job out there and a place to live. He just sprung this on me 4 days ago. He hasn't talked about running away since March.
My question is, is this common when suffering from bipolar disorder? Will he really leave this time, and is there anything I can do to stop him? Make him realize that yes, this is a tough time and very frustrating, but he can't just run away from his problems.
I am just so scared. I love him so much and I don't know what to do in this situation...

Thank you

YES! I am going through the same thing. My husband is BP and took off a month ago, I filed a missing persons report and the cops in 4 different counties are trying to grab him, he was found last night then on the run again. He never left before but he's threatened too. This last episode was his worst to date.

I think it has to do with confrontation issues.

Welcome moolove and good for you for wanting to find out more about Bipolar. To answer your question I don't know if it has to do with bipolar or just the person itself (i.e. lack of coping skills). I have bipolar and have been stable work wise, had long term relationships etc. etc. I had those things before and after I was diagnosed.

Certainly having bp can at times effect my perspective on things, but I also don't experience symptoms at all times. Thank God! I can suggest 2 great books "Loving someone with bipolar disorder" by Julie Fast and "The bipolar relationship" by Jon Bloch.

As far as your partner you didn't mention if he is on medication, abstaining from drugs and/or alcohol and seeing a therapist regularly. These things do help with managing the disorder. I hope that you and he both find peace and certainly honor your own feelings in the relationship. Good Luck and keep us posted!

I struggle every single day with wanting to run away. I want to leave this very second. Fear of what would happen to my son is the only thing i can hold on to to keep me here, but I am not sure how much longer that is going to win out.

Yes, this can definitely have a lot to do with it. More than anything it is wanting to run away from himself, from his brain, from his illness, from the way he thinks, from the way he perceives his life to be going and his lack of control over his life and what happens in his life. He may not know this or may not even have really thought about it, but that's likely what this is. And is in every way related to bipolar...and is just a way of dealing with not being able to deal with it. He's overwhelmed. Many of us are and much of the time.

There's not really anything you can do to stop him, per se, but it does sound like he needs some encouragement and guidance in the coping skills department. Does he get treatment? With meds or therapy, etc? It's a difficult thing to realize, but you are extremely limited in what you can do. It's mostly up to him. If he's not coping then therapy may be of great use to him because them its being up to him won't be something so unattainable.... At the moment the idea of this all being ultimately up to him to control/correct/handle may just be out of reach. But with the proper coping skills (and meds!!!) he may be able to get a better handle on it.

Thank you so much for your reply. I have actually been reading the book by Julie Fast and it has been extremely helpful. My boyfriend is on medication, but I don't know which ones exactly. He did have a substance abuse problem last year, he also was not taking his meds last year, but finally did get back on them last September. He and I were not together during that time, we had been together and then broken up. This was when he started using heroin and not taking his meds. It was when he finally stopped that we started dating again. He is seeing a therapist, but I honestly don't know how often he goes.
I think he just has too much going on in his life. He works two jobs and plays in a band that he is currently on tour with. And now he is having issues with his ex and her wanting to control his life even though they are not even together anymore. But she can do this because they share a daughter and he does not want to lose his rights to her.
I understand how all of this is causing him an extreme amount of stress-and he just wants to move away as far as possible right now so he doesn't have to deal with any of it. But he will be leaving everything-his daughter, his family, his friends, and yes, me.

I hope you do not run away. You don't want to leave your son. That is what I keep telling my boyfriend. He has a four year old daughter and I don't want her to be without her dad because he really is a wonderful person. I don't know what it is like to be bipolar but I have suffered from good old regular depression myself and I do know what it is like to feel like there is no hope. But there are always those who love you so much who would be so affected if you left. I hope you stay for your son-just like I hope my boyfriend stays, if not for me, at least for his daughter because I know what it is like to have an absent father when I was a child and I would never wish it on anyone.

Yes, I think that is it exactly-he definitely does not feel like he has control over his life. And he is stressed and overwhelmed. He always takes on way too much! And I try to tell him he has to slow down...just playing in a band like he does, it messes up his sleep schedule and always gives him stress. I want him to do what he loves but he needs to set limits as well.
I know he sees a therapist, but I don't know how often he goes. The other night he was telling me why he has to leave and how he doesn't even have anyone to talk to. I told him he could talk to me, but he said he meant someone who wasn't biased (such as me wanting to stay because I love him) so I asked him what about his therapist? And he said he couldn't call him at 10:00 on a friday night.
I then suggested a few friends who have never steered him wrong. So hopefully he will talk to them and try to get ahold of this therapist. Unfortunately, he is on tour with his band this week, so he is gone and I can't even see him.
Should I call him and try to encourage him to call his therapist? Are there any words of encouragement that I can say to him?
Mostly I keep telling him how much I love him and don't want to lose him and that I am here for him-I will be his rock, someone he can always count on. I try to tell him not to leave his daughter and his family. Is there another approach I should be taking?

I am so sorry about your husband! Has he still not been found?

I often feel I want to get away from everything.
I sometimes think that due to the PB we make decisons that in hindsight we are not proud of. They may be sending inappropriate sms's, getting irrationally irritable with people, taking on more at work than we can handle, saying things that we didn't mean...
Sometimes looking back it can seem that we cannot ever rectify these things, and the only solution is to up ship and start over somewhere else afresh.
We however need to learn better coping skills. Moving to start afresh is a short-term solution, as it's only a matte rof time until we find ourselves in the same position again.

When your boyfriend gets overwhelmed that things in his life are just too much, rather encourage him to go to sleep and see how things look in the morning. The issues in his life need to be broken into bite-sized chuncks, and dealt with bit by bit when he feels strong enough too.

Hang in there - I commend you for wanting to help. People like you are invaluable to BP sufferers. It's a dark and lonely road at times, but having a partner like you will surely light up the path!

I'm not sure exactly how it works with a therapist as far as when is appropriate to call etc., since I have never had one and don't have one. But I think your advice to call friends who have never steered him the wrong way was very good. What he wants and is looking for truly (much like a lot of us are) is (probably) a place (people and their ears and their words can be places when we are in distress) to let out a long deep breath, rest back for a minute or two and regroup, be told it's ok and will be ok, and to be reassured he is loved. I'm the queen of this last: I've made my partner jump through hoops for this reassurance because I need to feel safe and secure so badly and it's absurd because I do not doubt his love or his devotion for a millisecond even in the darkest of times--for ten years now. He's never wavered or blinked an eye. And still I need this and I push for it. As bipolars, our worlds can seem so very dark that we just get scared and so damn frustrated that we communicate in counterproductive, frustrating, and relentlessly circular ways. It's not easy--for us or for the people who live with us and love us.

The not feeling like we have anyone to talk to thing is also very common. In a way, it is true. Unless you are bipolar and have experienced this, you can try and try and try to understand it, but you cannot. You can on an intellectual, cerebral level, but this experience is far deeper than that. It is emotionally wrenching, a constant demon, like having your brain stretched this way and that way all day every day and even these words....oh man....there just aren't words. And even each person's experience of bipolar is not exactly the same. Some are very similar and some are different, although all have their hallmark similarities that make them obviously on the bipolar spectrum. So when he says that, just try to understand, that while he means unbiased in that you love him and so you are biased that way, I think he might also mean (when it comes down to it) that non-bipolar people cannot "get it." I'm putting words into his mouth here because the impression I got from what you wrote is just that he needed someone to talk to that wasn't his significant other, but my feeling is that it is like an itch that can't be quite scratched when the person you are talking to has no clue what you are feeling, no matter how many different ways you try to explain it. This isn't to say that for him talking to friends he trusts won't help (it might and probably will!!), but he might need some sort of connection to people who understand his day-to-day experience(s) with this illness and with whom he can relate. Kind of like how all of us here form a community and support one another. You have no idea how much it helps, truly.

For your words of encouragement for him, I think all you can do is love him and let him know it and keep an eye out on him. It's really all you can do. Does he enjoy reading or have the focus for it? There are some wonderful books out there that, if he hasn't read them, might offer some perspective for him (Kay Redfield Jamison is one of my absolute favorites). Also there are some bipolar workbooks and such out there that are actually really fantastic tools, silly as they may seem at first self-helpy glance... I'm not sure if he'd be interested in the least or if maybe his therapist has already broached this topic....

You are wonderful for caring so much to post here. He's lucky to have you.

First off, hear hear!!! OMG, and especially the depressive end of things. The pit is ... well, there simply are no words to express it. What's worse (or at least more frustrating) is that people who don't experience it think they understand. And I don't mean to get all like it's some kind of "exclusive club" or emo-y "misunderstood" (gag), but truly, they don't. They can't. It's not their fault, it's not lack of sincerity or caring, it's just that it's not possible without this damned kind of brain wiring. Because those of us with this kind of brain wiring have experienced great sadness etc.(which is the experience non-BPs relate to) as well. But massive depression is a different beast altogether. Even the DSM. When I read the diagnostic criteria, I can only laugh. Like... that's all???!!! Sheesh I WISH that were all it was!!! It's merely the tip of the iceberg. And if I may be so bold, think it contributes to the problem of not understanding it. Say someone meets this criteria. They then think they know from depression. Not even. It's the mildest possible scenario. Ok. Rant over. (For now, lol. It's just something that really really really aggravates me. Which is unreasonable in a way. I know that it's not their not wanting to understand, it is that they can't understand, through no fault of their own. Hence unreasonable on my part.)

And MooLove25, I agree it was an excellent idea in that situation to have him call some friends that never steer him wrong. And please don't take it personally if he sometimes can't talk to you about it. It's not you. I know that expression is overused, but it's true. Sometimes we feel that we don't want to burden or bring down someone so close. Or that we need to give them a break.

I've been reflecting on your original post too. I've moved A LOT. I'm not necessarily congnizant that I'm running from something or being overwhelmed or stressed at the time, but... will have to think on this component more. I do know that many of my moves have been completely ridiculous, impulsive and major (like across country -- several times -- and to places VERY far away that I'd never even been to and knew nothing about...). This tendency was actually a big factor in recognizing hypomania in my past (there were many others as well, oh yes). So, I don't know if this helps at all MooLove25, but there it is.

Yep. Me too. Even to Europe once for a few years with a backpack and a box of books (and rebuilt my entire material life from scratch when I got there). With a toddler. I did fine, though, but there's no way on earth I could successfully do that now. This was ten years ago. I was rarin' to go back then and adventurous as hell and had no idea what depression was, per se. My depression at that time manifested as bad anxiety which manifested as being really high strung and type A. I did often sleep a lot (I was also developing that thyroid issue so many bipolars also seem to have) and did get depressed, but I just saw it as feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I worked two jobs, went to school full time, and was a full time single mom. But I loved it and I don't how how the hell I did it, looking back. It was the major winding up before the fall. And oh god how I fell. But yeah...oh yeah oh yeah.

So many of my moves have been impulsive and just because I needed new scenery, to just get away. Once I even moved to the deep deep south. No offense to south, but I hated it there. Always have. I'm a northern girl with northern sensibilities and a very northern and opinionated way of expressing myself (which did NOT go over well with anyone, but I don't seem to have that issue here at home). I have no CLUE what possessed me to go there. It just seemed like fun one day. And I was tired of my situation that seemed like such a weight maybe? (I haven't really given it much thought until now. Had anyone asked me why yesterday I would have shrugged my shoulders and just said I loved traveling and moving, which I do...but now I like traveling, not moving.) And when I got there, for a few weeks I was again flying high and having fun (all hypomania back then, no true mania), seeing new things and places, traveling, being stimulated with newness, and then it set in...what the hell was I doing there...

I don't do that anymore. I've put down roots and I'm home again, back where I started. When I got here I actually hugged a tree, kissed the ground, and ran into the ocean and cried. With utter joy. I will never leave again, but yep, this illness has taken me all over the world. It's been some fun. And some hell.

P.S. I actually still do the moving thing, but in a different way. I move all the furniture in the house for the same effect on a fairly regular basis. I know that's why I do it and I have to do it...I need the change, the new way of seeing things. It's essential for me. But I also know that it's driven by bipolar.

I am seriously beginning to think we are twins separated at birth!

All the above. And speaking of hypomanic European adventure... I've been to Ireland twice. By the time I took 3 flights to get to the East coast, then the overnight flight across the ocean and got there and just started into the day like it was my local time zone (this part is recommended actually), I was off to the races. I set the pace for the second trip. (Before leaving (of course) I had spent hundreds of hours planning every conceivable transportation route, mode and schedule.) Covered every area except the very upper NW in 3 weeks. And I didn't even feel like we moving fast or anything, but in fact that we were taking our time and exploring and hanging out a lot! And we were. I swear! But the relatives eyes bugged out when we circled back round to their place near the end of the trip when we pulled out the map of where we'd been.

Oh yes, on the furniture rearranging. Also add painting. I re-painted one of my kitchens (hehe, one of the places I lived -- I've never had more than one kitchen at a time! ) 5 times. And the entire rest of the house, more than once. Most of it 2 and 3 times. Not even including changing up single walls for added punch.

On the moving moving thing, I've moved twice in the last 5 months. One out of state, then second one across that state. And neither while hypomanic even. The second move was on purpose and I knew it going in to the first one, but this didn't phase me. The only thing was all the loading, unloading and carrying furniture and lots and lots of books twice, and the second time, upstairs. Let's just say it was fine, but that my body informed me that I'm not in my 20's anymore. (Or even 30's...)

You know, MooLove25, you might really be on to something. It's certainly got me thinking. I've always moved, but I never really thought about WHY. Oh! And here's a sentence from one of your posts that just caught my eye again... "The other night he was telling me why he has to leave..."
Curious. How did he perceive it? (Only if you are inclined share of course.)

I often want to run away. When things are bad I just want to escape, then I realise what I really want to do is run away from myself.
What I want is to get away from the mess in my head, and running away from the friends and family is not going to work, coz wherever I run, my problems come with me...

I don't really know much about this topic but I hope everything turns out great for everyone involved

Maybe this explains why my family has moved 14 times in 13 years (My dad has bipolar)

Thank you so much. I will definitely try to encourage him to take a break when he gets overwhelmed-such as suggesting he go to sleep. He was supposed to go on tour with his band this week, but a family problem actually brought him back. I told him that even though he is back in town, I hope he still takes the week off work so he can de-stress and bring everything back into focus, and he said he agrees with me.

Luckily enough, one of his really good friends happened to be in town this week, visiting, and I know he got together with her to talk, like I suggested. I don't know what advice she gave him or what he got from their talk yet, but I hope it helped. And I hope it was good to have another person he is close to to talk with.
I haven't talked with him very much in the last couple of days. I am trying to give him some space to sort things out...do you think that is a good idea? When I DO talk to him, I tell him how much I love him and I am here for him and I will always stand by him, but I am also not trying to constantly bombard him with questions or anything (such as I did the first day he told me he was going to leave) because I don't know if that will frustrate him even more?
He does like to read, a lot, but mostly fiction or biographies of rock stars, ha! I'm not sure what he would think of if I suggested a bipolar workbook, honestly.

And thank you for the last thing you said, it is incredibly kind. I just want to try to understand in any way I can. I know I will never truly understand being bipolar, since I am not, but I love him so much and I just want to be there for him in any way that I can.

I know I will never truly understand what it is like to be bipolar, nor will I ever claim to know. I did say in another post that I have suffered from depression..but I know it is an extremely MILD form compared to what those with bipolar disorder experience. I definitely just want to do whatever I can to be knowledgeable about bipolar and offer whatever support that is possible.
And thank you..I do think it is helping him to talk to friends. He talked to one tonight that he has been friends with since high school...I don't know what he got from the talk yet, but I hope it was enough to make him stay. Sort things out.
Of course this helps, anything that anyone can tell me helps, and I thank you so much :-)

Well..I honestly don't know if I want to share the EXACT details of why he said he had to leave, but I can say he definitely feels as if he has lost control and this is the only option left available to him. He made a lot of mistakes last year, hurt a lot of people, and he realizes what he has done and he thinks putting distance between everything here and him will help to fix the mess that he created.
The thing is...yes, he did screw up last year...but what is happening now is not his fault. Someone he hurt last year during his escapades is now doing their best to hurt him, and he doesn't know how to make them stop. Other than, of course, to leave.
I can definitely see his point on some things, but I just don't think it is NEARLY bad enough to pick up and move clear across the country, and leave him daughter behind. The situation he is in now cannot and will not last forever, but he doesn't see it that way. He just wants to start over...

I just want to thank everyone here for their input..it has been so much help. He is still talking about going, but today, he actually seemed to be reconsidering. I sent him a long email last night, pouring my heart out, and offering everything I could think of that could help him feel more like himself. I included suggestions that have been posted in this thread. He actually told me that he would take my suggestions to heart and think about them..and he was still bent on going, but would consider another option as well, which is encouraging.
I know all I can do is love him and support him...if he goes...then I guess I have to let him. I cannot force him to stay.

I often feel i want to run away, or at very least hide under a rock and not be found. I guess they are kind of related, just not wanting to be around the same people anymore and thinking a new environment will make it all better.

I also want to run...

Solitude is 10000000% my best medicine (statistically impossible though that is ). No doubt about it. And it has no bearing on how much love I have for anyone...I can just think more clearly when I am alone, especially when I am in a mood episode, because I'm not having to worry about interaction with others (which can be frustrating for me anyway) and because I just genuinely love being alone. I enjoy my own silence, my own little activities and diversions (sip tea, read, paint, make jewelry, be in the woods, cook, bake, be in the ocean, go for drives, read books in French or Latin, write, organize stuff, clean, Buffy marathons, Film marathons, snuggle the dogs, make lists, yoga, lift weights, sing, dance, be both in and out of myself--whatever gets my attention), and whatever I want/need/wish to do when I am feeling low and can do by myself that I won't do with others (like most of that junk I just listed). I can lose myself in things that I enjoy and be in my own world and the rest of the frenetic craziness often falls away and things rewire correctly...much faster than they otherwise would have. It's a time to regroup and center--not a running away. It looks like hiding, but it's not--it's actually healing. Basically, solitude is peace for me. It's better than any pill. This could have more to do with my personality than anything else, but I think with relation to bipolar it is a common feeling that when we are in solitude we can control the incoming stimuli and begin to sort through our thoughts, whether racing and confusing or sluggish and confusing. I could be wrong, but I have found this to be generally true. Although...my personal circle of people in this world is very small. So one cannot apply my sample size to the larger population...it's just a hunch.

I am so new here i dont know how to reply to a post. yes i have feelings of wanting to run away-especially when there is a conflict i dont do well in those situations headed out to the car after an arguement with my spouse the other night. luckilshe stopped me and understands.