Insignificant

Nope, only landline numbers and an emergency one...not comfortable with either

I don't do phone calls either - at least with my T, I can sms her.
But I think you may need to bite the bullet and phone if you do not receive a reply via mail. Unfortunately me refusing to speak on the phone has been the main break-down in communication between my existing (Old) Pdoc, and me now having to see someone new.
I realise I may be running round in circles, if this is going to become a habit, and I actually just need to learn to speak on the phone. At the same time, I'm clinging to the hope that I can just speak to my T (Who I feel comfortable with) and she can be a medium between me and pdoc...????

Sounds like a plan to me.

I on the other hand would not know what to say to him on the phone I don't even think I should see bf tonight, I'm tired of this facade, I'm just sick and tired of it all really. If it's not one thing, it's another...
Don't know what to do, wonder if i should take a benzo...

Did you get some Benzo's prescribed?
I think you should see bf. He sounds very supportive. get him to take you somewhere away from it all, somewhere to distract yourself.

I've got some benzos left over from my last GP visit, when he stated I was clinically depressed and my panic attacks were at their worst...

Haven't used ANY in months, maybe I should rethink that decision...

I think you're right about bf taking me somewhere for a distraction, but I feel so guilty, like I'm using him to escape my own mind. Like this is not his fault, this is NOT what he signed up for, why do I insist on involving him on my bp trips??

Can anyone say F.R.U.S.T.R.A.T.I.O.N?

He loves you and you are in a relationship - give and take. When you are available and fully functioning, I'm sure you'll give your 110% to the relationship too. Right now it's you that requires help though.
Everyone here will tell you:
IF YOU NEED HELP, DO NOT BE AFRAID NOR FEEL GUILTY TO ASK FOR IT

Makes sense hey, to someone rational, and I know you mean well, really I do. Don't mean to throw your kind words back in your face, but right now my brain can't process that. I still feel doomed to wonder inside my illness alone, until it consumes me. I don't feel that bf / anyone REALLY cares or understands. Unfair, yeah probably, but that's my reality right now. I hate the isolation, I hate that I'm SO needy, and CAN'T reach out to a single person in my life, even if it's just for a much needed hug...

I feel trapped inside my mind, and I hate it, I want it to swallow me or spit me out, the waiting is killing me slowly, piece by piece, bit by bit...

I hear you - but you need to lean on someone. Confide in someone. And bf sounds your best bet.
Ask him to phone pdoc for you?
I know the feeling of not wanting to do anything yourself, not wanting to be responsible...
But the truth is that we do need to take charge. If we cannot do that, we need to hand responsibility over to someone else.
If we cannot do that, we ought to go to casualty and be booked in, as it makes us a hinderance and danger to ourselves (We will never know the limit as to us giving up our responsibilities, and that can be dangerous)
I know this sounds harsh - I just know i've been there and while I'm not there right now, I can look back in a logical way and give you advice on how to deal with it.

Everybody said good stuff about getting hold of pdocs and t's and so forth. I just wanted to say. You matter to me. You don't know me very well, but I'm here in your corner. You may not know it. I hope you get the help you need. As depressed as you are, you do need some kind of med and a pdoc. If it gets any worse, maybe a hospital. Not to talk about me, but I get sucidial when I get depressed. It hurts. Do what you can to help yourself, because your child loves you and it would hurt her if you weren't around. It's hard.

Well said owllover! Trippin is on meds, they just seem to be taking a LONG time to kick in.
Don't let yourself get sucked too far into the depression, the racing thoughts... please do something about while you are still in the position to.
Else PM me your bf's cell number and I will ensure he makes these decisions for you!!! Lol
((HUGS)) - you do matter. In your logical self you know this. Keep repeating it to yourself.

U guys are making me cry! But nice tears,n0t the crappy ones thats been escaping since last night. Thanks

Suga, I don't know if you remember when I first joined PC...I mentioned having an "episode" at work, felt like my mind was unraveling...it's happening again
I'm trying to avoid triggers, b/c maybe, just maybe if it goes untriggered, it will pass, and be a bad memory in a few days...

Last night we went for a wonderful drive...my mind is sO messed up, wouldn't even let me enjoy the evening. I'm tired of fighting with my mind, feels like a losing battle...

My last episode was really bad, I hope I make it through this one...

I'm scared

Hang in there and be positive.
The last episode you had to tackle on your own - no knowledge, on PC, no meds...
Look how far you've come and look what you've armed yourself with.

(((TRIPPIN))) Ive been so neglectful lately not getting on here and checking on everyone. I just read your posts and YOU DO MATTER!!! I love reading what you have to say btw. Everyone has had awesome comments for you, just wanted you to know I care!