[Trippin2.0]

That's how I feel. I don't matter much to anybody, I'm nobody's priority,and it hurts like a EFFIN MOFO! Can you believe that I have NOBODY 2 CONFIDE IN?? I used to matter,when my dad and brother were still alive, I even used to matter to my obsessed abusive X. Now I just waste oxygen and space... I'll never matter to anybody ever again.

[Shakti]

This is your illness lying to you.

Truly, it is.

I feel similarly in that I really have no one to confide in. My best friend is bipolar, but she's 1600 miles away and while we can and do support one another, I wish she was here so we could TALK. My partner is wonderful, but I don't think he gets it (but it's not for lack of trying--it's for lack of being bipolar and not his fault), you know? He's compassionate, kind, giving, and supportive in every way possible and I could not ask for a better companion, but I just wish there was someone I could confide in and talk to who really knew what this experience is like.

Regardless, this is not about me. It's about you. And you are wrong that you don't matter to anybody. I know about a whole 3 people in the world and when I get depressed I feel much like the way you wrote that you feel. But this is the disease speaking. It's depression trying to punch you in the face. Don't let it. Punch it back.

The world has changed a lot since the internet came along. Despite our anonymity here on this forum, perhaps because of that anonymity we share very honestly and deeply with one another. And while it's a different version of friendship, it is friendship. I know that I, for one, always look forward to your posts. I think your perspectives are enlightening, interesting, and add so much.

I think too that the impact of having lost your father and your brother probably makes the sense of isolation and loneliness worse. Even the feeling of having no personal worth. But while you may feel isolated and lonely, this is partly situational and partly the bipolar demon. But what you are NOT is worthless or a waste of oxygen or space, and you do matter to people. And unless you are psychic (if you are, please play the lottery for me and share!! With me, that is) you cannot possibly know that you will never matter to anyone again. Somehow I doubt that you don't matter to anyone now. Maybe people online don't "count" per se, but we care. And we are here!!

Please try to remember that when you are down or anxious or having an episode of any sort or even in between episodes (which can be really difficult for me, so maybe it is for others too) these thoughts are there as part of the illness and their purpose is to tear you down.

I just got through two days of terrible deathly somewhat probably psychotic depression and I had these thoughts and many more...but I woke up today and the switch had flipped. And it will flip again. And again. And again. My point is--your switch will flip too and when it does you will hopefully see that you have light inside you, that you DO matter, and that you are important in the world...whether you see it all the time or not.



I hope you feel better soon. I know maybe online is not the same as a person you can sit with and sip tea and confide in, but it's something and you are very much a part of this particular place and it would be noticed if you suddenly weren't here. And you'd be missed. I think that means you matter to somebody(s).

You are not insignificant.

I'm getting a new tattoo this week. It will say: My illness lies to me. When I realized this a few weeks ago and started repeating it to myself I started to believe it....and for good reason--it's TRUE.

You are not insignificant. You are bipolar. There's a huge difference. Please try to see some light somewhere in this and see the difference. You matter.

[blueoctober]

Trippin2.0 you are not insignificant and I agree with Shatki this is the illness lying to you. I am sorry about your loss of your dad and brother. You are VERY important to your daughter.

I don't know if you have a therapist you can speak to about this, but you may want to try that. It's important for all of us to have a support network (diagnosed with bipolar or not). Ways I can suggest to build up that network of friends is volunteering, join a group activity that you enjoy, a local bipolar support group, church. I'm sure others have ideas too. I hope you start feeling better.

Trippin2.0!!! It's true, it is the illness lying to you. Why oh why does it hit us with those kinds of thoughts?! I don't know, but it does. And about feeling like you'll never matter to anyone again? I can personally attest that you truly never know, no matter how throroughly your brain is trying to convince you of this! It's a thought I've struggled with a ton over many years, and it was hitting really hard and very persistantly less than a year ago. I was UTTERLY CONVINCED that my brain wasn't lying to me, but telling me the cold hard truth. I'd've slapped any pollyanna that suggested otherwise, you know? Turns out the brain was lying. Someone did come into my life that cares. Deeply. I still can't even believe it, but it is true. A ton of people? No. But that's ok. And this forum? Even though we can't see each other, there IS deep caring for one another here. I think about the folks on here a LOT, and not only when online. All the time. And yes, that very much includes YOU, Trippin!

Remember too, you recently changed meds, right? The adjustment may be messing with you. Something to keep in mind waiting for the flip to switch. Because you know it will. It's like that old expression... the only constant is change. Especially true for us BPs. In the meanwhile... You very much DO matter!!! A lot!!!

[Trippin2.0]

My illness is the only one that's right,the only one that's honest. My life is testament to that... I should just die already. Why don't I end it? Coz I'm stupidly conciderate and know more loss would be bad for my family. Not b/c I'm SO important,their lives would eventually carry on as usual,but the fact that another family member is gone,that would hurt them. I've got a truckloada pills,but just biding my time for now. Made a stupid promise n0t to cut again,so now I'm left with hitting myself and ripping at my hair! I EFFIN HATE THIS! I HATE ME! I WANT IT TO END!

[blueoctober]

Trippin2.0 Please go out and do something nice for yourself even if it's just for a coffee. I am VERY concerned for you and always remember you can contact a crisis line or go to the hospital.

[Trippin2.0]

STUCK IN MY ROOM! IT'S 9PM! I'M STUCK HERE UNTIL TOMORROW! And what then...

[Shakti]

And then maybe tomorrow when you wake up you will feel a bit better. And, if nothing else, you will be rested and better equipped to start fresh.

And tomorrow do something nice for yourself. I demand it. Please don't make me fly to South Africa to enforce this. That plane ticket can't possibly be cheap.

[blueoctober]

Sorry I forgot about the time difference. Tomorrow may bring a better perspective.....I know it's sappy, but it may be true. Please contact the crisis line if you think you will become a danger to yourself.

You're not feeling it right now, but we are here and care very very much about you. I know it is sooo hard to remember, but it will pass. It's not too early to go to bed, if you possibly can. The switch may flip by morning, even though it feels so impossible right now. Please please please stay safe, Trippin!

[Trippin2.0]

Danger? Sounds inviting right now actually. Don't worry about me blue, I suck so bad, I've foiled every sui attempt ever made since I was 15 (obviously). It's like some sick joke,and I'm the only one that doesn't get the punchline... And now you poor nice people are subjected to my whining. I SUCK!

[Shakti]

If what you are doing is whining then we ALL do it. I've done it plenty here. But I don't think it's whining at all. It's simply self-expression and it's why we're all here. We all get it, ya know?

[blueoctober]

That is not whining Trippin2.0! I'm glad you let us know what was going on with you.

[Trippin2.0]

I just can't be left alone with myself right now,and you're all I have right now... I have friends sure,but n0t one of them could possibly understand me like this,all these years of depressive isolation must finally be getting to me,coz face it,look at me,the people who know me best,are people who don't know me at all...just makes me feel worse ya'know? And I don't mean anything negative about you nice PC folk,it just says alot about me is all. I hate this, I hate all of it...

[Shakti]

It will pass. Just try to hang on.

I didn't take what you said negatively at all. But maybe look at it from another perspective: the people who know you best are the people you open up to who can actually relate to your experiences on a real (not analytical or cerebral) level. To me, that makes the entire statement different. It doesn't say anything in particular about you. But it does say something about all of us here--every last one of us. We are all here because we feel a sense of isolation because we cannot communicate visceral emotions like those that come from bipolar to people who are not bipolar. It's not their fault, but it's just not possible nonetheless.

I understand why it would make you feel worse if you look at it from the point of view that the people who know you best are faceless strangers online. But as with any situation you have the power (even when you feel powerless) to view it from another side of the looking glass.

Hypothetical Example 1:
My life sucks. I have no friends at all. I hate my job, I have this terrible disorder that violates my brain and I didn't give it permission to, I hate being sick, I'm not good at anything and I feel like a nobody. I'm just stuck and nothing will ever change.

Hypothetical Example 1 on the other side of the looking glass:
My life is a challenge right now and it is often a challenge and I'm fecking frustrated. I have some close friends, but it's difficult to express bipolar to them. But I do have a support group of like-minded people online who care and do intimately understand, so that's something. I'm not satisfied with my job, but I can start looking for one that suits me better, even if the stress of job searching may cause temporary distress. I can handle it and it will be worth it when I get a better job more suited to my needs. I might even make more money, so that's a bonus. I hate having bipolar, but I'm pretty much stuck with it. I'm changing meds, which is hard, so I'm going to cut myself some slack. Also, I won't forget that I have a large support group 24/7 online. I feel worthless when I get depressed, but I have worth. I am good at things, very good at some things [name them--you know they exist]. I feel like I'm invisible sometimes, like I'm nobody, but I know that it's my illness and I'm working actively on coping and I'm optimistic that things will improve. I just have to be patient, love myself as much as I can, have hope, and depend on people even when I feel I don't deserve it (because that's what depression tells me, but it's a damned liar). I feel like I'm in a rut, but I have the power to create change. Nothing in life stays the same. Change is inevitable. Good things will come to me.

I know that sounds dumb and I know I chose a crappy example, but I have to do this a lot. I get stuck in: my life sucks, I have no privacy right now, I'm broke, I miss my son, I miss my other dog, no one loves me, and in the end everyone will reject me because my bipolar is too much to handle. But instead I have to switch it around: My life is challenging but unique and often beautiful (tho admittedly often terrible, but I can get through it), I will soon have all the privacy I need in my new house and I just have to wait out three more weeks. I'm broke, but I have a loving partner who supports me and I hope for disability at some point, I'll be working on my masters in a few months and will hopefully be stable enough to teach by the time I'm done. My son and other dog will be with me in three weeks or less, people show me they love me every day and it's my liar brain that wants me to think otherwise, and the people who reject me are not the people of strength I need in my life.

See what I mean? I'm not good at coming up with the hypotheticals and I know that in dark times it's easy to poopoo these kinds of suggestions, but I think sometimes our perceptions trigger episodes and it can be a nasty circular thing. At some point you have to at least try to take hold of it and mold it. We can't always do that, but we can try.

[Shakti]

I really feel like a dumbass for posting that stuff, but sometimes I feel like if we offer up even our littlest bits and pieces of anythings, maybe just maybe it will make some small change for someone....so even if it's dumb, it stays. At least I'm anonymous here.

[shadow11]

sometimes things get overwhelming but remember that you are important. tell yourself that hurting yourself is not an option and do whatever it takes to stay safe, even if it means an inpatient until you feel better. i don't really know you but i read a lot of what you write and find it important. hope you feel better soon.

[sugahorse1]

Hey Trippin - please sign in with us!
I'm sure a night's sleep has left you in a much better place.
You really arent insignificant - just look at the number of posters that have replied to you.
I too felt this way, but taking time to look after yourself really goes a long way. Be selfish and do things for you.
This is one of the motions we need to roll with, and everytime we experience these downers, we learn how to deal with them better and better (That's the logical ME talking!)

[Trippin2.0]

Hey Guys, thanks for helping me through last night.
Don't really feel better this morning, but then again, I don't really feel anything except wanting to run as fast and far as possible...which I can't do, b/c where would I go? and what about my daughter? So yeah, I'm still here, and I still don't know why...

I'm in such a foul mood, been cussing and biatching the entire morning. my poor colleagues are sO tired of me already. I don't even remember why I bothered to get out of bed.

I just want to go home, but think that maybe if I stay here my entire shift, and see bf at 6pm that I'd feel a bit better...but what if I don't? and I stay here the entire day feeling crap, only to have him make me feel MORE crap, and then go home crappier than crap????
Ugh I don't know!!!! I just don't want this, any of it! I'm surrounded by people who say they love and care for me, yet NOBODY understands me, or takes this pain seriously. I wanna SCREAM

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by shakti

i really feel like a dumbass for posting that stuff, but sometimes i feel like if we offer up even our littlest bits and pieces of anythings, maybe just maybe it will make some small change for someone....so even if it's dumb, it stays. At least i'm anonymous here.

it's not dumb, none of it is...

[sugahorse1]

Trippin - I find being at work makes things worse for me. When I finally get to go home, my mood lifts. Hang in there and look forward to seeing bf.
We all do understand. We've been there.
Did you phone your pdoc with your symptoms? Like i suggested, it sounds like a mixed episode. He may be able to tweak some meds to help you feel better.

[Trippin2.0]

I don't know about this Dr business!
I'm used to being effed up on my own, what do I do? call him and say "hey Dr George I feel effed up again" Like what's he supposed to do anyway? I was told pills will take time to take effect, I'm starting to think there's no effect on my cards. I'm still biatchy and unstable, I'm still having episodes, I'm RUDE!!! Do you know that in essence, I'm NOT rude? Geez from these posts nobody can tell THAT... I just wanna inflict pain. On the people who are SUPPOS2 love me and be there for me, or inflict pain on ME! THERE I SAID IT, SO CENSOR ME NOW!

I'm ILL, and NOBODY is here to HELP ME! NOBODY! I'm going to be ILL for the rest of my life, and guess who's gonna help me keep it together? NOBODY

[sugahorse1]

Well, your doctor works for you. Alternatively you could also employ the services of a T, but your pdoc said he'd do some psychotherapy for you too, so he has taken on a double responsibility - double reason to be phoning him!
He knows what to expect of medicines, and I'm sure he has had enough patients to know you are phoning out of desperation. He must know how the average patient responds, and also how other patients respond.
He needs to do something to help you - you have been on the meds long enough for them to be having some kind of effect; that is, if they are the right ones for you. It may be necessary to up your dose of mood stabiliser. Heck, mine was so low, it was a waste of time!

Well, I guess my impatience is why I am going to my third pdoc now. Hoping this one cares; that she'll have an answer.

We are here for you, vent away. I am offering as much of my support as I can.

[Trippin2.0]

I mailed him...I don't do the phone thing very well when I'm like this...

Thanks for the support, I don't mean to come off as an ungrateful biatch...all this venting, ranting, moaning UGH, I'm working on my own nerves.

[sugahorse1]

Do you have a cellphone number for him? Can you sms him?