How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

to everyone!

Today I am...sick of my damn brain. Things have been going pretty well, you know? And today it's back to anxiety and self-loathing. Ugh!!! You know, I know one of the things that contributes, but can't avoid it. Looking for work. OMG, how I hate it. Once I'm in somewhere, I'm a good employee. And do this as much as is possible, though obviously it becomes a big struggle in certain modes. But I never ever go in with a slacker attitude. Sometimes I don't care a flipper, but give it my best go anyway. But looking? A whole 'nother ball of wax. Everything I can't do or completely fear doing just jumps out at me, can't imagine that anyone would ever hire me, underqualified (a lot), and it just gets to the point I'm immobilized and despairing. Yet I *have* to do it, there is no choice. So, I've been feeling vaguely like crying all morning and trying to pull myself up a bit before BF gets home (any minute now). (Have a hard time crying on meds, so it's more a core feeling.) So VERY unmotivated. Why brain?! WHY?! Cut it out already, huh?

Today I feel… lonely and empty, mostly. Which is sort of like feeling nothing but not quite enough like feeling nothing to avoid the pain, if you know what I mean. And it’s my first day on this site, so when I took a look around here and read some of the things people are dealing with, I added self-loathing to the list of things that I was feeling. I don’t know why I feel this way and I wish it would stop.

DRAGONFLY YOU ARE SO SO SO NICE

I'm... confused, maybe slightly depressed. Going through a lot right now, some of it environmental, some of it medications, some of it my own doing. I'm unsure about my diagnosis, unsure about whether I need medications, unsure about my career path and whether I'm capable of achieving my goals... unsure about everything. It's disconcerting.

Innerzone sorry things are piling in on you. I hope you find a suitable job soon if there is one for people with our condition. My heart goes out to you and wishes thew best.

MiddleAgedMan I hate to hear you feel so bummed out. Life tends to do that to us. Hoping things get better for you.

Paulswife1 thank you sooo much, that makes me feel good.

Medicated I hate to hear you are so confused. I think we all go through the stage where we question our dx and how we go about things. I hope things become clear to you.

Right now I feel great. A little self medicated, but it feels good not to be so depressed. I just wish I could feel this way all of the time. It is not fair that we have to suffer so. Why do we have to suffer bipolar disorder? I'm tired of feeling not capable of being normal. Life is so unfair and I'm down right tired of it. Constantly changing meds and years of therapy and still go through the ups and downs. I have had enough and just can't take much more.

Firstly, welcome to the forums! It truly is a comfort knowing there are others who deal with these things too. (Not that we'd wish such things on anyone!) Totally know what you mean about nothing but not nothing enough. (And yikes! Sorry about adding the self-loathing!) Do you see anyone about this stuff? Like a psychiatrist? Therapist?

(And thanks vjdragonfly... Today BF suggested I try another tack. He's right I'm sure, it's just so hard to believe anything possible when the mind is stuck here. And yeah, despite my best efforts, he knew right away something was wrong. He's very good that way and sees past my unloveableness. I don't know why or how, but I appreciate it for sure...)

I would reassure others, but I have nothing useful to say.

I feel like crap and I hate myself today.

A phone is a great idea! It gives him a lifeline; something that he can hang on to. You know, I wouldn't call it hiding. When I was a kid, my dad was a raging alcoholic and I was most often the target of his anger and ridicule. The only person I could talk to was my best friend's mom, but I kept it secret because I didn't want my dad (or anyone else) to ruin it. Those conversations were my safe place and the only thing that kept me going until I was old enough to move out. So if you can give this boy conversations that belong only to him, a safe place where he can share his feelings, then you have given him everything he needs. I truly believe that.

I hope you feel better soon.

Today I'm relieved that my psychiatrist didn't chew me out, more self confident that I can play an active role in my treatment, a little anxious about all of the million or so things I need to get done in the near future, and annoyed that this heartburn won't go away. All in all, it's all okay.

Hoping everyone else is having a decent day...

If I was capable of getting angry, I would be. Insurance company has been cheating my provider since January and every time I get an EOB I call them and tell them to fix it. They assure me they are reprocessing it, and my T tells me that after all this time they haven't fixed a single DOS. I see my therapist every week so you can see how much money that would add up to. How in the hell am I going to call them and list every single week that they lied to me and have it really reprocessed this time. I'm going to talk to a supervisor. They don't know what the f they're doing over there, or maybe they do know and they're just hoping I'll forget or go away while they horde their coffers of gold without caring for their insured or their insured's providers. Greedy bastards! And yet I'm totally calm. I'm more disgusted than anything. Insurance companies are evil. I'm used to it by now. I hate making phone calls and I've kept up with their errors all this time and they don't do anything about it. I don't know how anyone with a conscience could work for an insurance company. If there were a hell, they would definitely go there, along with the oil and coal CEOs.

I found out that My weekly T and DBT group, the cost is goinbg to be absorbed by them. Meaning I get services for free! They are so giving, they are a religious company and so they have a policy that people who can't afford treatment can still get services. And while that is great, ironically I still feel depressed and having urges for impulsive behaviors. I also feel pretty worthless and useless due to my work ability. It is awful.

I feel manic today. I think all this lack of sleep is starting to get to me. There's waaaaay too many thoughts in my mind right now, and I'm trying to not make any rash decisions while I'm in this state of mind. Mainly stuff about my marriage, and that's not really cool.

Thinker: Sorry your having to deal with those guys I know they can be a real pain, just remember it may all be worth it in the long run.

Lauru: WTG congrats on getting free treatment. Sorry your still feeling the way you do but know that this too shall pass, its just a matter of when.

Queen: Manic feelings CAN be hard to deal with, instead of making any rash decisions find something you can do to occupy your mind, time, and body. Like a hobby you enjoy or taking a walk or cleaning house. Sometimes that helps to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay..

Me: Well I feel alright today, definitely coming out of the woods of the depression I was in last week. Hurt my back moving/ setting up a travel trailer for me to stay in at my dads but at least now I have my own place to stay where I dont feel obligated to pay rent and I have pwr, water, fridge, a/c, my dog cant get a wireless signal but thats just a short walk to the house.

Also my disability claim is moving along at an acceptable pace. I had started to hire an advocate but as I have been doing all the leg work myself lately I'm starting to not see the point.

Glad to be able to spend the time with my dad also, he has cancer and who ever really knows with that how long you have with someone. And besides I like being in Ga better than Fl any day, definitely glad to be Home =)

IDK if the meds r working as I still have depressive and sui episodes but I am convinced I will have them all my life with or without meds... I AM tired of being tired all the time from them though =P Oh well, off to see what the day portends. Hope it is a good one for all!

Today I feel anxious because I'm going to be applying for a part-time job! I'm both excited and nervous.

Good Saturday morning everyone

I'm not quite sure how I feel today. I am kind of upset with myself because apparently I turned off my alarm in my sleep and woke up an hour later than I should have. However, it felt good to sleep in. I am just kind of :eh, ya know: today. My meds are still making me sleepy, though. And while they are helping my depression, I think my "mania" is creeping back up on me. It sucks because I can sort of hear it knocking at the door. I try to keep it at bay, but these last few days have been hard. I have been severely grinding my teeth and I can't stop. Anyone ever have that problem?

I have an appt with my doc a week from monday (23rd--I think) and I will have to tell her. She may up my dose or, with any luck, put me on a mood stabilizer. Oh well, it's working so far.

Happy Saturday to all.

I'm feeling purposeful and determined today... Moving 2260 miles away in 2 weeks, so I have a lot to do for that, but TONS of homework and studying that I need to do too. My work is certainly cut out for me. Hopefully I don't burn out before the end of the day (a very common occurrence with me...).

I'd better get back to packing.

Melissa: Good luck with the interview, I hope you get the job!

Mady: I too have the problem with grinding my teeth during a manic phase, glad you got to sleep in, sometimes thats a huge help. Hope your day turns out well for you.

Medicated: Good to hear you have so much to occupy your mind and body just dont forget to take breaks to do something relaxing or enjoyable (or both!) so you don't get burnt out. Good luck on the move =)

Denise, you have a very clever dog! (Not making fun, just loved how that read and I do love me a clever poochie!) I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you!

I'm feeling much better the last couple of days. Just hit a dip I guess. That's ok. Better that than before the meds when it would go on and on, worse and worse.

Today I am guilty of just a wee touch of self-inflicted blergh. Yeah. It's my current goal to stop this small but pesky bad habit. It's such a small thing, I almost hate even posting about it, but I know things would be even better without. Altogether. Think I need to post my mood charts from a few months ago when I was totally good. I'd never been so stable and happy in... well, forever! Between the meds and the being good, it was just golden.
(Runs off to post sticky notes-to-self....)

ROFLMAO @ Inner, thanks for the laugh. Guess I did forget a comma didnt I... But hey she IS a clever pooch! Glad to hear you are doing better but sorry for the dip, I suppose even the road to recovery has pot holes huh...

Feeling fine. Got an email from my T saying he would take care of the insurance misbilling. I was so overwhelmed about it, so now I feel relieved. It's not hanging over me like a dark cloud and taking I don't know how many hours to resolve on Monday. I can just have my weekend to do whatever without thinking about that. So far I've taken a bikeride and got some Rx's refilled. Hope to do some writing soon. to everyone.

Wtg Thinker, glad your getting that taken care of and finding the time to take care of yourself as well! What genre do you write?

Me: Whew what a night, went muddin in my dad's blazer last night with him, his GF and her 17mo old granddaughter, and my cousin. Every thing was going fine till we went off in a mud hole that came up to the floor boards, 2" on drivers side, level on passenger. I had to get out and lock the 4 wheel drive and it was up to my waist on passenger side. Still couldnt get out.

Had about 50 different people on 4 wheelers stop and say sorry cant help you. Finally a guy my dad knew happened by and went n got his truck then dad's gf's son found us (he had been looking all over the mountain for hrs for us as we had no idea where we were besides the middle of nowhere up a mountain). Took both trucks to pull us out then they drug us home. I was covered in mud as was my cousin and my dad.

This morning though I am feeling pretty damn good. Didnt get too drunk as we were worried at first about the police coming but when we called them they said tough **** call a wrecker and no they couldnt help tell us where we were either. I'm sore but this move to my dads has helped me to feel a lot of pressure taken off, like where I'm sleeping each night and such...

Plus I'm thoroughly enjoying the time with my dad as its so precious (we dont know how long he has to live but the chemo is working for now). He wants to go off in a creek or lake sometime today to clean the mud off the truck, I say Hell Yeah let's ride! My moods are stabilizing a little, either its the meds (which I forget a dose almost daily), being "home" again finally (I hated being in Fl as I'm Def a Ga peach), not feeling like I'm going to be kicked out cause I'm broke while waiting on my ssdi claim and knowing he will support me financially until it comes, having my own private/lockable hiding place (my camper), or (and the most likely) a combo of all. Glad I came here instead of putting myself inpatient in Fl... Anyways hope you all have a fantastic day!

My Horoscope for today:

1. Libra (9/23-10/22)
   
   A big surprise early this morning does more than just get you going with a smile -- it should get your day (and the next week) started on the right note. If you think about recent events, you realize that you totally deserve a day like this one. Don't slam the snooze button -- you can't miss a moment of the great day the universe is bringing you.

I'm just coming down off of one of the worst panic attacks of my life.

Last night I had trouble sleeping (very unusual for me), and started feeling really... well... horny (also very unusual for me). I woke up very early for no good reason and just laid in bed thinking dirty thoughts. This is not me.

After getting out of the shower and brushing teeth, etc, I could swear I saw the reflection of a dark figure in the mirror behind me. My heart stopped, and I jumped. When I turned around, there was no one there and my heart was pounding.

Then, at church, I couldn't focus. My mind was constantly wandering anywhere and everywhere. I noticed I was breathing very fast and shallow. I realized that colors and patterns were unusually vibrant and distracting... almost hard to look at. Voices around me echoed in my head, and I found it almost impossible to carry on a conversation. I couldn't look at people's faces because they looked deformed - like their eyes were enlarged and popping out, and when anyone looked at me, I felt their gaze burning straight through me.

By the end of the first hour, I was shaking and hyperventilating. I needed to get away and hide, somewhere still and quiet. I left church early and somehow drove myself home while still barely able to breathe.

Inside my door, I broke into fits of terrified, anguished sobs.

I found the clonazepam and took 1 mg. It's finally working and I can breathe again, and being in the quiet of my own home is helping me a lot.

Although I'm sure many on this board have experienced far worse, that was one of the scariest experiences of my life... and as much as I hate to admit it, I need medication if I'm going to function.

So, right now I'm scared by what I just experienced, and depressed because apparently, I really AM broken.

Medicated: that is scary. So sorry to hear you went through that. I'm glad the benzo is working for you. Take it easy and stay away from triggers if you can.

Denise26: I work in many genres, sometimes dramatic, sometimes comedic, sometimes fantasy. My novel had fantasy and sci-fi. My poetry is usually autobiographical. My short stories are often comedic, but some are serious and based on memories of places I've visited. I post my work on thenextbigwriter.com. My writing name is BukowskisMuse if anyone is interested. It's free to review, but there's a subscription charge if you want to post your own work.

How I feel today: Great so far. I haven't done anything other than fiddle around online, but I think it's going to be a good day. I'm going to try to do some writing or painting.