How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Cool thinker, I will have to check that out. Glad your having a good day so far.

Medicated: That sounds like a terrifying experience, I would have called it an acid flash back if it'd happened to me as I have those but maybe thats not what they really are, maybe they're panic attacks... Something to think about anyways. The important thing is that your home safe and calmed. Your not "broken", you mind just works differently than others, just like everyone in this world... They say we're "sick" I dont believe that either. Just wired differently. And if you go to church maybe you believe in God, if so well he's the one who wired us so you are exactly as you were meant to be, not broken or sick. Just remember to take it easy the rest of the day and focus on doing things that help bring you calmly back to center. We're here if you need us =)

Medicated I hate to hear what you went through. I know that was very traumatic. I'm glad you are ok now.

thinker22 I'm glad to hear you are having a good day. I hope it is very productive for you.

Denise26 I'm glad to hear things are getting better for you. It sounds like it is very theraputic spending time with your dad. That is so great for you.


Today I guess I'm doing ok. Not really a good day, but it definitely could be worse. Just kinda here I guess. Seems like the norm lately.

Thanks Vj, and yes it does appear to be so. I am glad its not triggering me (had some trauma here when I was younger but I think I have worked past that finally).

A Neutral day can be just as good as a good day depending on how you use it, either way its better than a bad day. Just remember Vj to do something nice for yourself, you can make the day consist of whatever you wish!

I wrote a new poem, posted one I wrote yesterday, and reposted a short story I wrote last year. It's one of my best stories, if the THE best. People always seem to enjoy it. It's comedy: about an entire family with OCD quirks and how they interact with each other and the world. I sent the story to the New Yorker and got a very nice rejection letter. I think they must have enjoyed reading it. Hehe. I bet I made 'em laugh.

It's definitely a good day so far.

Was able to take a deep breath today. Spent the day visiting with my mom. She stayed with me this weekend to help keep me safe and not focused just on the depression. But alas, now I am by myself and the thoughts and feelings are back. But hey, at least I was able to breath today.

Denise, I think of it exactly the same way... Wiring.

Today I had a productive day despite the heat. Made 2 skirts (because I realized I don't have any for really hot days, and think they're much cooler than shorts.) by hand (no biggie, just don't have a machine anymore). Put the ironing board out on the balcony though, because there was no way that hot beastie was going to wield any more heat in the apt. Only thing the last couple days is getting to sleep later... more like my night owl tendencies. But getting things done is nice for a change!

Feeling "normal" today, which is a bit weird cos i havent felt like that for a while!
been reading through my mood diary this morning and very embarassed by some of the arrogance and superiority! good job i have good friends and a very supportive hubby who put up with me

Today is a good day, I am depressed but its not so bad I am unable to get out of bed (which is an improvement to recent days).

Denise26 thanks, it is what we make of it I guess, just don't have much drive to do anything right now.

thinker22 I'm glad to hear you had a productive day. WTG

Lauru I'm glad you got to spend some time with your mom. Sorry things are still bad, but at least you got to breathe.

Innerzone I'm glad you had a productive day. Sewing 2 skirts by hand is an accomplishment. WTG

Polyonamous Glad things are going well and you are having a normal day. I hope you have many more to come.

lately i feel so blah i dont even want to get on my com,puter !!! I feel lonely and depressed but i dont let anyone know how i feel because they will suggest therapy which i have already gone thru for 4 years . Im tired of it being summer time I just want to curl up in a blanket and sleep . It seems like the only thing that puts a smile on my face is my new grandson but when he starts fussing and crying I dont like to hear it . And lately for some reason im argueing with myself in my head !? so whats that about>? sry this is so long I guess I need someone that can help me and understand whats going on with me Im bipolar 2 and i have anxiety and attchment disorder and adjustment disorder and from what I have read maybe I have something else because why would i being argueing with myself in my head? It tells me to shut up and stuff like that . does anyone have this problem?

Feeling sad today, and mildly anxious about going crawling back to the psychiatrist this afternoon for help. I'm hopeful that we can get things turned around quickly though...

Today is going to be a good day. Still didn't get much sleep, but whatever. Who needs sleep?

I argue with myself constantly.. somedays its very distracting cos i cant get me to shut up.. I just thought everyone did that?! Im bipolar too with lots of anxiety issues

Inner: you sew? thats so cool, so do I! I have like 5-6 machines but only 2 with me. I make all kinds of stuff when I can get the "want to". For awhile I was going to try and use it to make money but like everyother job I try it fizzels out in about a day or so and I'm back to my hole... Glad you were able to do something fun and productive =)

Poly: Good to hear your feeling "normal" although I believe that's a relative term as normal for me is severely depressed. Don't feel embarrassed of your moods even when you feel superior. Moods are something we have a hard time controlling, just being aware of them is key.

Potter: Glad your having an ok day, my ex t says its not necessarily a bad thing to be a bit depressed and we should learn to sit with the feelings so that we can realize they wont destroy us and be more likely to notice when they change and that helps us accept that they WILL change.

Momma: Oh by all means yes I argue with myself constantly about everything. I have 3 persona's (not quite like DID where they take over and I know nothing of what happens) and they all quite regularly have their own separate opinions/ thoughts and vie for the forefront of MY thoughts. Sometimes they can be very insulting. Sorry you feel blah, try to do something that takes complete concentration and makes you feel really good (sorta like inner did with sewing).

Medicated: Sorry you are feeling sad but as I said earlier just recognize it is a feeling and will pass just as everything does eventually and its ok to sit with the feeling and experiment with how it actually feels. Hope your pdoc can help.

Queen: Glad it's a good day but as far as sleep is concerned they tell me we all need a certain ammnt or our feelings/ thoughts/ perceptions will begin to suffer and it will be harder to have control over those things. Me personally I prefer as little sleep as possible but they insisted on putting me on Seroquel to help me sleep =P

Poly: IDK if everyone does it or not, but I do notice for those of us with BP and anxiety it's a lot stronger and harder to control/ think clearly as a result of...

Lauru: Sounds like you have the same problem as I do with being alone. As long as there's someone there to care what's up with me I'm fine but leave me to my own devices and I get very depressed and lose site of what ever point there may be to life. Just try to find something you enjoy doing to occupy that time, I know its hard esp to get the "want to" but if you can it will help with that. You and I are in need of learning to love ourselves and be our own best friend...

Vj: Once again you commented on everybody else, but how are YOU doing today?

Me: IDK how I am today as I just got up and havent even finished my coffee. I know my body is sore from all the physical activities I've been doing lately (moving from Fl to Ga, setting up the camper trailer to sleep in, went muddin with my dad the other night and got stuck in a mud hole that at the shallow part came up to my waist etc...) Been so busy concentrating on just spending time with my dad and talking to yall I forgot to pay attention to how I feel. When I do stop to take a moment and evaluate the depression sets in so I have been avoiding THAT like the plague.

Wondering how my claim is proceeding, I know the adjudicator is working like crazy to get the file off her desk and I know she had to talk to my x tdoc and have her fill out more papers. Thought for a minute the tdoc was going to need to talk to me again and I got all excited only to find out she doesnt and got sad again... Just hoping it will go ahead and get approved so I dont have to fight it. Would make life a lot more bearable. Very soon I will have to start worrying about money for insurance again but for now just trying to enjoy each day with my father as it comes and putting off thinking about that...

potter137 I'm glad there is some improvement in your mood. It is always nice when we feel the change.

mommasuesue sorry things are so rough on you right now. Sometimes we just have to go through the motions. Hoping things get better for you soon.

medicated I hate that you are feeling blue . I also hope your pdoc gets you straightened out quickly. Wishing you the best.

queenaccountant I'm glad you are in such a good mood. I think you do need the rest though. I hope you don't crash.

Denise26 I'm glad things are still fairly positive for you. Keep on staying busy and don't let the depression get the best of you. You deserve to feel good for a while.

Me, I'm just here. I am going through the motions but nothing more. A little stressed out because the kids started back to school today. Now I have more time alone to think and that is not always good. I just can't get motivated to do anything to keep myself busy. I'm just trying to make it through until my next pdoc visit so they can tweek my meds. I don't feel exactly depressed but I know the things I am feeling is symptomatic of depression. I'm tired of just feeling like I just exist. My life has no meaning lately and I have no drive to make it better. I blame myself for not forcing myself to get up and do things. I do manage to cook dinner every night, but I have no other choice. I guess I'm feeling a little irritable too. Not wanting to deal with the kids. My mind is such a tangled mess lately. Can't seem to focus on one thing to long. Sorry I'm rambling, just can't get my thoughts together. Wishing everyone the best.

vjd: hope you feel better soon. It sucks that you just have to hold on until you can get in to see your p-doc. Don't worry about not feeling motivated to do anything. I mean, don't heap guilt upon your depression as if it weren't the cause of your not being able to do much. Just waking up and getting out of bed should be an accomplishment. Congratulate yourself for the small things, or even big things, like making dinner. You are a good person and you will get through this. I haven't made dinner in months. My partner does that for me. I was depressed for almost 2 years straight. Making dinner still exhausts and triggers me, but he never pressures me to get back in the swing even though my mood's been good for a couple weeks. Cut yourself some slack is all I'm saying.

Felt a little better, well actually less sad, this morning. But it came back this afternoon and evening. I am having those bad thoughts again. I see the pdoc Thursday. I saw my T today. If this keeps up though, I am going to call her and let her know it's back.

Lauru, stay safe and I really hope you feel better.
Myself, jittery, unmotivated and somewhat down. It's been going well, but I am feeling the disease a bit. My folks came by and it was kind of scary to see what a bigot my mother has become. How can someone you love so much suddenly turn a face to you you really can't recognize? I mean, i knew she had a tendency to develop us against them thinking and to form prejudices, but in the past she has caught herself and worked on them. Now she has stopped going to church and given them freedom to run. It left me drained and very, very sad. Not even angry.

Just had to take my dog to the vet.. he had a stroke last night.
the vet has said to give him 2 or 3 days to see if he recovers.. but im feeling very anxious/sad think he will have to be put down

(((((polyonamous))))))

Sorry to hear that poly, hope she does get better, and soon...

Lauru: Not sure what to say really, just wanted you to know that I acknowledge your pain, can relate, and completely empathize with you. I hope that didnt come across as shallow or anything else besides a showing of closeness, concern, and understanding as thats what I mean it to be..

Lonegael: just as you see on here, and experience yourself, the oddities of the human mind, so too may your mother have her own she is human, imperfect, and susceptible. If you can keep that in mind while interacting with her perhaps you can come to understand and relate better with her. I am sorry it left you so drained though.

Me: Well it's morning thats evident. Whether it will be good is yet to be seen. I'm not sure why but I didnt take any of my meds last night. I have begun the last few months feeling as if I'm in a new alternate reality (as I have felt that for years my reality shifts from time to time). Sleeping half the day, being groggy the next, not really feeling anything in particular the last few days and that is unfamiliar and terrifying.

Perhaps that feeling of non-intense feeling of much is what they are trying to achieve but for me it is unnatural and terrifying. Makes me feel nonhuman. Does anybody else have the fear that to "get better" means losing all that you have as an identity? I already feel detached to this world and sometimes I guess its as though my "illness's" are all I really can rely on. I am also afraid that to get better means being more alone. Nobody cares much already about what goes on with me IRL so if I was "better" would that mean complete abandonment and lack of concern? It seems so with most people I know.

I love the time I am getting to spend with my dad but it is a constant reminder of how little of it I have left and the uncertainty of what is to come after. I can not imagine a world without him even though I didnt really have him from ages 4-13 and he has enacted some past transgressions that were very traumatic, but he is still an ingrained part of my identity/reality now. When I was in Fl this last year I got an idea of what that life without him had been like and it is desolate more so than with, for me both are so its a matter of degree...

I have so much more on my mind I would love to get out but I know I am rambling and I am sorry, since I didn't take my meds I have only had about 2hrs sleep and am not sleepy anyways so I have a lot of ruminative thoughts flying around and never anyone to talk to as they always require the ear and never want to provide it in return.. For those who took the time to read the whole post, thanks =)

I am having a low day, I have lots to do but I cannot get motivated to do anything.

thinker22 thank you for the words of encouragement, it means alot to me.

Lauru I'm sorry you are still struggling. I know the feeling of wondering if this beast will ever let go. Once depression gets it's claws into you it is like you are fighting a never ending battle. I hope your pdoc is able to help and you can conquer this depression that has enslaved you.

lonegael I'm sorry your visit with your mother was draining and left you sad. I wish I had words of encouragement to offer you, but it can be a touchy situation when you are dealing with family.

polyonamous awww the poor baby. I know what you are going through it wasn't that long ago our dog had a stroke. She turned out ok and is back to her normal self. I pray your dog recovers as well. I know the pain and worry when you are unsure of your dog's health.

Denise26 I can relate to the feeling of just being numb, no real feeling at all. I guess it would be terrifying if you are not used to it. As for me I get these spells alot. I look at it as still part of the depression. Kinda just being there. I'm not sure what to say about your feelings of detachment if you get better. Hopefully it just pans out to be a fear. I am glad you are enjoying time with your father, knowing that he has limited time makes each moment even more special.


I feel pretty much the same. A little more anxious today then I was yesterday. Thinking about just climbing back in bed.

So many hugs needed!!! PRN
Hmmm, Denise. For me, the non-intense thing is good, as it so often manifests as big time irritablity with ragey flipouts that have been very embarrasing to say the least. Won't lie, I do miss the euphoric ones, but since they seems to come as a packaged set... I feel non-human when I'm depressed. Like an alien that has been sent to exile upon this planet. What little relate-ability I have with "normals" at the best of times goes right out the window. So... yeah, relative "normality" took some getting used to, but it's nice not to feel so scary/out of of control... not really sure how to describe it.
I'm feeling pretty good today. The only really down thing when like this is a persistant feeling of loneliness and isolation, but it is situational, as opposed to mood-related. (BF is fabulously sweet, but his job is so physically draining that he sleeps a lot. I don't know anyone here and barely work. Good at amusing myself, but this level takes quite an effort. TG for the forum, I so appreciate you all!

Today I am actually feeling "normal". Went to my T today and got alot of stuff off my chest and it made me feel awesome. I hope this feeling lasts for a while! I hope everyone else is doing well!