How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Hugs to everyone.

I'm fried from playing video games for most of the day. Now I feel like I should have done something more productive. I'm running errands tomorrow as my penance.

I feel stable enough to get a second job, but I'm afraid that when school starts I'll burn out fast. I may not even be able to handle school and my part time job. Don't know. Being on disability makes me feel guilty, but I know I can't trust this relatively depression free period. I could trip into an episode at any time so I'm trying not to make rash decisions. Anyone else know what I'm talking about?

School starts in 2 weeks, so I'll find out soon enough.

Oh...so...yes. The last visit with my PMHNP, she mentioned setting my next appt. for 3 months out (because of financial considerations, which I appreciate, but...). I must've gotten a look of horror. She moved it up to one month (coming up soon). I explained.... well, it's the first time I've actually had meds that created relative stability (being formerly misdiagnosed) and I just can't believe that I could go that long w/o a major crash. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always has before, so... there's a certain guardedness.

It's just that unknown! When a certain pattern's been going on so long, it's hard to believe that it could stay better for longer. You hope, but you don't know, and that's very disconcerting. (I was undiagnosed, then misdiagnosed for sooooo many years (---talking like 25 years, so seriously ingrained!), that stability is a really new concept that I still can't quite grasp, you know?)

So yeah, like you say, "trust" it. Totally get that.

(And as an addendum to earlier post... work got cancelled tonight. No complaints. Looking forward to a "real" night of sleep. Back at it tomorrow, daytime, totally familiar location. No problem. Yea.)

Thanks PT52 and Innerzone!

Sorry for being so melodramatic yesterday, still feeling it a bit, but just focussing on 12 hours at a time!
took a sleeping pill and slept 10 hours straight which has helped a bit,may do the same again tonight, then i only have 14 hours a day to "get through"

Andy glad to hear you had a good day. I hope it lasts for you.

Moreta glad things are going well for you. I hope you enjoyed your day of relaxation.

Denise wish things would get better for you. You are loved here and are very special.

sundog glad you had a better day. Keep away from too much sweets, I know the battle. I tend to eat when I'm bored.

PT52 glad your hubs is back to being sweet, I also hope it sticks. Glad you are feeling a little better.

Innerzone sorry depression and anxiety is hitting you. Definitely not a good combination. Hope things are better for you today.

thinker I understand what you are saying. We can't trust our moods to last forever. Sure wish the good moods would last forever. Wishing you the best of luck between work and school.

poly it is ok to be melodramatic, we all have those days. Glad you pulled through and are feeling at least a little better. I can understand the wanting to sleep away as many hours as possible. Keep holding on and take care of yourself.


Today I got up early and actually not dealing with anxiety. It is nice not to be dreading the day ahead. Although I do plan on laying down and taking a nap later. So far no bad side effects from the Lithium, that is a relief. I know it takes quite some time before it takes effect so I'm riding out the waves for now. Feeling pretty mellow today which is a nice change. I've spent so much time being on the edge that it doesn't feel real. Just going to enjoy it while it lasts.

IDK if I even feel at all anymore...

Denise: I know it's not much, but if you have no feeling, it's a little better than thinking the world hates you..lots more hugs and hopefully tomorrow you'll feel a little better..

vj: Enjoy!

poly: SO happy you're feeling better!! You totally deserve extra exclamation points today!!!!!

Inner: Hope that shoe stays right where it is, mine too, and everyone else who's waiting..I think my big test will be when I actually find a job again - then maybe I'll be a bit more accepting. But I guess the real test will be if I can keep a job

thinker: It's hard not to think ahead and worry about the worst. Maybe you can wait til school starts and you get an idea of how much time it will take before you decide whether to get another job? And please don't feel guilty about being on disability! There are a heck of a lot of people who are scamming the system and you're not one of them! I worked with a woman who's family lived on her paycheck and her husband's disability check - he supposedly couldn't work because of his back...funny, tho how he managed to play golf four or five days a week...

Me: really okay, which I consider great after the ups and downs of the last couple of weeks. Hubs is still being sweet, and if the pattern follows the past, it will hold at least til he gets home in a few weeks. Then we'll see, but it's looking good at this point.

Just found this thread. Need to vent a bit before getting back to task- for those who offer support and feedback to others I am proud of you! I read, relate, feel and send thought hugs and encouragement, then totally forget what to write in my reply!

My day is stress- I have new printer copier fax all-in one; print copy work great- fax is not working and the calls to fix it are beyond my capacity now! It can also scan- great I can scan, put it in the computer as a document, the attach it to an e-mail rather than fax- sounds great- except I don't know how to scan yet; have no idea where to start with finding the scanned document in the computer and creating it so I can find it to attach; AND I only know how to find/attach documents on a mac- NOT my new PC! Stress anyone??

Oh I also am representing myself and husband in legal proceedings to get our son back from my sister- so these documents I need to send or get and print I need fast to prepare for a hearing in less than 2 weeks and the trial in a month- for which my entire defense and corroberating evidence has to be in written form to the court three days after the hearing. I could ask for more time- but I want my son back and it has been long enough! Add stress!

Let's see- It is fall here in New England- time to fill up the oil tank so we don't freeze; Checkbook empty after that, but we haven't bought food or paid some other stuff- my disability check is a week away and hubby's paycheck is already slated for stuff that has been on "hold"; add Stress!

So thank you for letting me vent- steam vent needs to be released from time to time! No I have to go back to finding out how to do things on my computer- "windows 7 for dummies" book in hand- except it doesn't include word processing software or anything useful like that- I can find here and facebook and do bing or google searches- those are the same mac to pc- but "appleworks 6" and "microsoft word" are unbelievably different- as is the menu for documents!`

I am so tired of being here. I do nothing everyday. I spend most of my time just sitting here caught up in my head and my thoughts. Stressing out, worrying, ruminating. There is not much else to do way out here in the middle of nowhere.

I went to Atlanta to my aunts last weekend and got messed up in some stuff I probably shouldn't have. When I came back here to my dads this guy followed me and hasn't left since. He's a nice guy but I am tired of the shadow and not being able to spend anytime on here or doing any of the things I am used to doing alone. Plus my camper is so small with me and my dog I already am claustrophobic in it... He was waiting on a job in my town is why he came, finally today he went to work. Hope he will go back to Atlanta soon, I need a break.

I miss Fl and my life there. Miss my Tdoc and feeling like I was kind of a part of the world. That is odd to me and very confusing. I am losing who I am more each day, i feel like just a hollow shell, useless and worthless.

I am sorry I havent been keeping up, or responding, or offering any support. I am just finding it very difficult to have the energy for that right now. Most of the time havent even had much will to post... I am grateful for those of you who have been offering your support and wish some peace for all today...

Today I feel pretty excited, as I'm being discharged from the hospital today! I also get to start school tomorrow!

I agree! What a nice thread idea....It's amazing how much I can relate to what the other folks are saying. I've had about all those experiences--like losing a therapist.....

I am doing pretty well today. I just saw my psychiatrist (monthly check-up) this morning. I'm on a minimum of drugs right now (had to go off a bunch for different reasons), so they're keeping a close eye on me. I see my therapist every week.

I went on a live forum last night here for the first time. It was sort of fun, but I do admit to feeling somewhat frustrated because I didn't know what other people's issues/triggers were--and people kept leaving the room and paranoid me starting thinking it was something I said. It was definitely a learning experience. Plus I've never twittered before or anything, so I was trying to learn a new language--such as "lol," etc. I did learn how to make faces! LostSavant was a big help.

I feel like, as bad as I hate it and am terrified of it, I need a major change in my life and soon....

I also feel like I am an inconvenience to everyone who knows me, I feel like every one (myself included) would be better off if I were not alive... WHY cant I just accept the fact that the world doesnt want me and has no place for me and take the appropriate action to rid this place of my awful existence?

Denise: first, huge hugs . Second, you can't accept it, because it's simply not true. Please reach out to someone who can help you get through this; and if you can, try to reach deep down inside you and find even one small grain of love for yourself, and one small reason to keep going. Please?

fearful frog: sorry you are frustrated. If you haven't figured it out yet, here's an easy way to scan with Windows 7: On the start menu, click on devices and printers. Right click on the picture of your printer (make sure it has a green check on it), select "Start Scan". A new window will pop up so you can select the settings. I use profile photo and .jpeg (I noticed saving it to Word causes it to come out weird). Once it scans it should ask you if you want to tag it - give it a name that you can search, but it should end up in the pictures file anyway. Then you can attach it to an email either using the attach menu on the e-mail or just dragging and dropping it - hope that helps!

Melissa: yay!

Payne: Glad you like it here!

Me: started feeling pretty good yesterday, got a ton of homework done. Then spent WAY too much time trying to figure out how to transfer itunes from one computer to the other with a flash drive. Going to have to come up with a plan B and not waste so much time. Think I'm on that fine line between productive and hypomanic; I need to do homework and housework, I want to work on my writing, and here I am, not wanting to get off this forum! So, I'm going to go take a shower and try to get my focus back. But for now, feeling pretty darn good.

fearfulfrog sorry you are having so many things to stress you right now. I hope you can figure things out and get everything together in time. Good luck with getting your son back.

melissa yeah!!! Congratulations on being released and going back to school.

payne glad you are doing well. I haven't really used the live chat. I went in there once, but I was intimidated by not really knowing what to say. Glad you found it enjoyable.

denise I know things seem bad at this time and you may not want to believe that you are loved and needed. All these bad thoughts of being better off gone is just the illness talking. I know it is hard to keep on going during the bad times, but your life does have meaning. If you were an inconvenience to everyone the door would not be open to you to live there. I agree with PT52 and hope you can find a sliver of love for yourself. Sending big hugs and vibes of love and peace your way.

PT52 I'm glad you are feeling good today. I hope you get your focus and are able to be productive. Way to go on getting your homework done.


Today I feel pretty good. Not productive really, but my mood is good. I got to sleep in this morning which was nice especially after waking up to a really bad headache last night. It has been nice not being anxious and restless the last couple of days. I'm trying to enjoy my mood while it lasts. Hopefully it is a start of a new trend for me and things will continue to get better. I really need to find a job and I would like to be stable enough to hold one down. So keeping my fingures crossed that this is growing improvement in my mood.

(((((((((((((((Denise)))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((VJ)))))))))))) So glad you are having a good day!!! And that your mood is good and that you got to sleep in!

Glad you are feeling good too!! ((((((PT52)))))

Ugh, I got sick yesterday with some kind of stomach bug. It was really nasty and I'm still feeling very ropey today so I'm laying low.

((((((((((HUGS TO ALL))))))))))))))))

Had the hardest time falling asleep last night. Was wide awake for hours, tossing and turning. My alarm went off at 8 and I took my meds...what I thought were the right ones. Finally got out of bed at 11:30 and realized I had taken my PM meds, which is probably why I overslept so much. I tried not to panic and took my AM meds that much later than usual, not taking the morning dose of Geodon (20mg) because I had already taken the PM dose of 60mg. I'm groggy, and likely to stay that way all day. I just hope Cymbalta kicks in soon, because I don't want to fall into a depression just from taking it so late. I feel like going back to sleep. All out of sorts. Need lots of hugs. And here's some for everyone

thinker22 - so hate it when that happens... hope your day gets better
sundog - get well soon
vj - hope things stay good and good luck with the job hunting
PT52 - careful does it... keep away from that fine line!!!!!
Denise - even if you can't see it, you and your life has value and meaning, please believe me when you can;t believe yourself.

me: been away a bit with some crazy head stuff... my doc was right, I was wrong what I had hoped was normal was the beginning of mania, went a bit nasty and then between the drugs pulling me down and the high sending me batty I was a bit of a fruit cake. So far so good on the "soft landing" though, not high any more, still on drugs for another week... see if I get a rebound depression - cross your fingers that I miss it!!!!
Getting stuff done at work this week..... better get back to it.

I'm not sure how I feel today. I felt a bit rough when I woke up and this led me to take extra seroquel. This mellowed me out a bit and I am okay now. I haven't moved far from my computer all morning. I played a couple of games of scrabble on facebook. I have not been onto PC for a few days, so I thought I should visit.

Have a good weekend, everyone !!

Hi everyone

((((denise)))) I can so relalate, but just hang on in there even if it is an hour at a time, sooner or later it will feel better

me , im still chronically suicidally down, i have now managed to get it into my head that the suicidal desires are just a symptom and not a "truth" but still feeling pretty s**t
really annoyed that having gone to gp to say i couldnt cope anymore and i needed proper assessment and meds that the waiting list is 5 weeks.... thats a long time to be on the edge

Poly: Thats a LONG time to have to wait! I am so sorry you are feeling this way, how can you accept and see Sui Ideations as a symptom?

Clive: Glad your mellow today =)

Blackpup: Fingers and toes crossed =)

Thinker: Sending you the biggest, best hug I have ((((((((Thinker)))))) Hope it improves soon!

Sundog: Hope you are feeling better!

VJ: Got my fingers crossed for you too, hope your mood does continue to improve, I know you deserve it =)

PT52: Glad your feeling good too.

Me: Not sure how I feel today, better than I have lately but the day is still young. Still feeling pretty worthless but sitting around all day not doing anything will do that to you. My dad says I need a list. I do agree that I need SOMETHING to do to occupy my mind, creativity, and time but what? Still waiting on disability too and thats frustrating as hell. Oh and I'll be 27 in 9 days and all I can think is after 27yrs I have nothing to show for myself. Plus the last few birthdays have been hell for me, not because I'm getting older but because either someone is fighting or no one acknowledges it.... Oh well.. I wish it had never happened in the first place..

Denise: If it makes you feel any better, I have kids that are older than you, and I'm still trying to figure out my life! One thing you might consider for a creative activity is writing - we all do a lot of it here, and there seem to be a lot of writers here (I'm one of them). If you like to read, start with a book of short stories - it seems easier to get thru one story rather than facing down a novel. Reading is a great start to writing and writing (particularly fiction) is a really good outlet for creativity. Whatever you want to do, make the decision to start - set a date and stick with it. Do something that you can see tangible results quickly, but don't expect perfection! I think one of the reasons so many of us give up is because we expect perfection.

Thinker: hope you're feeling better

Clive: Happy you're doing okay

BlackPup: Glad you're feeling productive, hope that depression stays away!

poly: sorry you have to wait so long, but happy that you recognize the symptoms..keep reminding yourself and hang in there a few more days!

sundog: hope you're feeling better today - those stomach bugs are awful.

Me: as close to normal as I can be, I think. Stayed on the right side of the line (whew!). Finished a lot of homework yesterday and worked on some articles for my volunteer job. I call it a job now, because the people in charge are great at letting me know how much they value my skills and are comfortable around me even tho I've told them everything! I guess it helps that they don't have to pay me. But it is satisfying when someone brings me an article or a grant proposal and asks me to fix it up...and turns out I'm pretty much the computer genius there compared to everyone else, which makes me look even smarter. I think today I'll let myself putter aimlessly and enjoy the good mood.

Big hugs to ((((((((Thinker)))))))

Keeping my fingers crossed for (((((((Blackpup))))))) that there is no rebound depression

Hi (((((Clive))))) Glad the Seroquel helped you mellow out

(((((((Poly)))))) I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad and I'm sorry about the long wait. Sending you strength to hang on in there

(((((((((((Denise))))))))) I think a list is a good idea too. And I really like PT52's suggestion of writing as a creative outlet. I don't like Birthdays either and I can definitely understand why you are dreading yours. I hope it passes as painlessly as possible and that you start feeling better afterwards.

(((((((((PT52)))))))) Well done for being so productive!! It's great you do volunteer work and that you are so appreciated for it!! Glad you are in a good mood! Enjoy!!!

I still feel bad today physically and I feel very down emotionally. My stomach is not right at all. And I'm feeling very anxious about it, which just adds to the general sense of feeling unwell. I don't know what caused me to get sick since no one close to me has caught it. So now I'm worrying that it's something other than a bug. I would go to the doctor, but every time I go and see her she tells me that whatever I'm feeling is most likely anxiety-related and that I should talk to my psychiatrist.... I feel tearful and worn out and I don't know what to do to feel better. I'm so tired of feeling bad, one way or the other. I guess I just need to wait things out and hope for the best.

Ugh, sorry for the pity party!!!!! (*insert Violin-Playing Emoticon here!!!*)

(((thinker))) I hate when I take the wrong meds, been there done that before. I hope the sluggishness wore off and all goes well.

BlackPup crossing fingers warding off depression. Sorry you went through a manic spell. Hoping things will level out for you.

Clive glad you felt better after your med. Hope the feeling lasts. You have a great weekend too.

(((poly))) sorry you are going through this right now. Five weeks is a long time to wait for help. Take care of yourself and just take it one day at a time. Hoping you feel better soon.

Denise glad you are feeling better. I can understand needing something to do with your time. I would benefit from the same thing. I hope your mood continues to improve.

PT52 I am glad you are feeling good and that you are appreciated at your volunteer job. Enjoy your day!!!

sundog sorry you are still feeling ill. I wish you well. I also hope your mood improves. I hate to hear that about your GP. That is not very reassuring.


I woke up anxious this morning but a klonopen took care of that. I sat around the house for a couple of hours and started getting restless so I decided to go visit my parents. It was kinda nice getting out of the house for a little while. They were happy to see me cause it had been a little while. They want me to come around more often, but I struggle with getting out and going anywhere. I don't know if they really understand this so I just tell them I will try. Anyway, I guess it has been a decent day so I will not complain. Sending good vibes to everyone.

I know how you feel. I have no therapist, psychiatrist. The only person that helps me is my Medical Doctor. It sucks. I live in a small town... I like coming here tho. It has helped me