Frustration

BNLsMOM · Aug 01, 2010, 10:32 AM

Every time I begin to feel functional, the energy drains away and I feel depressed again.

FeelingHopeful · Aug 01, 2010, 10:34 AM

Aww Blns, i know how hard it is for you, Stat strong girl, it will pass, we are all here for you.

Aug 01, 2010, 11:42 AM

(((((((BNLsMOM)))))))

I hope you are feeling better soon.

BNLsMOM · Aug 01, 2010, 11:47 AM

I did 15 minutes of yoga and I do feel a bit better.

Time to find a yoga class in the A.M.

BNLsMOM · Aug 01, 2010, 12:55 PM

Aw geez, now I am redecorating my entire house in my mind and getting frustrated because my house in reality is too messy and overwhelming to redecorate. I want to move furniture around in the bedrooms and open up space so the boys can share a room and I can take the little room for yoga/art. I can't figure out where their toys will go. (Traditional New England Home with tiny closets)

I am dreaming about kitchen remodels, and yesterday we bought a bunch of plants to put in the front yard.

Ack! I am too much for myself today!

thinker22 · Aug 01, 2010, 02:04 PM

I'm glad you are having thoughts about fixing things up. That can get overwhelming, but it's good to have a project to keep away the blues. Just don't overextend yourself. You can always try to do just one little thing every day and gradually everything will come together. Hope you stay in good spirits and have the energy to enjoy life.

And don't get down on yourself if your chemistry is out of whack. Ride the wave and let it take you back to the shore of peace and well-being.

BNLsMOM · Aug 01, 2010, 02:14 PM

Yeah, I have had five mood swings today at least. I guess I ought to clean up the kitchen next.

I want to get things in order so that I can get someone in to do the real cleaning because I get these bursts maybe every 6 months and in between, my house goes to he**.

As I am typing this, I am thinking about how much I don't want to clean the kitchen. I just want a new one.

I feel frantic.

thinker22 · Aug 01, 2010, 02:21 PM

Sorry things are so frustrating right now. I get that feeling with projects too. Like when I need to clean the chinchilla cage, but it seems too huge and overwhelming to even start, so I sit and procrastinate and it gets bigger and more looming until I just grab a trash bag and march myself into there. Then I'll be halfway through and think, "That wasn't so hard." Key is just that first step. Think about one thing at a time. Seriously. "I am going to wash this fork." Don't even get as far as "I am going to wash the dishes," let alone the entire kitchen.

sugahorse1 · Aug 02, 2010, 06:38 AM

Sorry BNLsMom - this stupid bipolar thing can sometimes really get too much. It's not easy - but we're here for you. Don't take on too much, pamper yourself and take it easy.
(((HUGS)))

Pamela Choi · Aug 02, 2010, 10:11 AM

I can totally relate, don’t you just hate this FU disease. The hypomania is awesome with feelings of total control of your life. Nothing can stop a sense of confidence and security. Unfortunately, when the depression hits hard, it’s extremely difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. How long does your depression last? Mine can last up to 2 weeks or 1 month of mixed episodes.

My advice is to talk to your T or find other like me who can relate. For me, what helps the depression, talk to people like us, who truly understand your state of mind!!!

I have been down the same road before and you’re not alone, most all of us here, have been there before!!!!!!

Take care,
Pam

vjdragonfly · Aug 02, 2010, 10:17 AM

I'm sorry BNLsMOM. The mood swings can be rough. Take your time getting things done. Don't be to hard on yourself if you don't get everything done that you planned. I agree with thinker22, just take it one step at a time.

BNLsMOM · Aug 03, 2010, 12:50 PM

Today I am so blah. I have no energy to do anything. At the same time my thoughts are reelinga bout all the things that I need to do and all the responsibilities I have taken on that if I drop the ball put me and my family in a bad place again.

I haven't told anyone, but I have had a few sparse symptoms the last few nights.

TRIGGER BELOW

In addition to mood swings, my symptoms consist of violent images of things I can do to hurt/kill myself. They are completely out of my control and they play over and over in my head. I can't identify a specific trigger for how they start or why they stop. I haven't had any of these thoughts for over a month since getting out of the hospital, until the last couple of nights.

I have had the image of taking hundreds of pills (I don't have nearly enough in my house to do any damage, so this is not a real concern, just a very disturbing thought) and also the image of running full speed down the hall and smashing my head into the wall/window. This image repeats over and over and takes place in my own upstairs hallway, and in the hallway of the hospital.

I don't know what made the thoughts go away the last time, so I think I just have to deal with them until they stop.

thinker22 · Aug 03, 2010, 01:05 PM

Hi BNLs. I have those invasive thoughts/images too when I'm depressed. Always watching myself be hurt or hurting myself in the visions. It is a symptom of the illness. What has taken care of most of my invasive stuff is Geodon. Maybe you're not on the right dose of your anti-psyc. Maybe you need to be on a different one. They are beyond our control in the frequency that they come and the content of them. Just know that you're not alone in having those kinds of thoughts. They are not from you. They are from your messed up brain chemistry and can be eliminated or at least put on mute with the right meds. I would call your pdoc and let him or her know your current symptoms. They would want to know so they can get you on the right meds.

BlackPup · Aug 03, 2010, 07:29 PM

[quote=BNLsMOM;1449505]my thoughts are reelinga bout all the things that I need to do and all the responsibilities I have taken on that if I drop the ball put me and my family in a bad place again.
quote]
have faith in yourself, you are capable of handling those things, have a note book to "empty your head" of all the things you need to remember before sleep or when you get anxious...
with the thoughts, it is really distressing and unpleasent to live with, I'm not sure what will work for you, but for me, shouting STOP at them when they get frantic often helps. When I am more calm, thinking about why I am not going to do that etc helps me to not be as upset by them.
What makes them stop? maybe meds, maybe mood swings, maybe understanding where they are coming from and dealing with it.... I don't know...
Meds didn't stop it for me, they were always there in every depression but ok most of the rest of the time... Really for me it was changing how I think about things...

Lauru · Aug 04, 2010, 01:11 AM

As others said, you are not alone. I just looked back over my year and how my moods went. I had 4 separate depressions each lasting 1-3 months, which, if you do the math, is almost the entire year! This sucks big time, and I am currently in another depression, and it just keeps getting deeper. I don't know what to do anymore. But I send you hugs anyways

sugahorse1 · Aug 04, 2010, 02:14 AM

(((HUGS))) - i wish there was something I could do to pull you from this place. Just know I'm here for you and I care.
I know the pain of depression - I often get angrry that we have to experience this - but we just need to support each other, as the episodes will pass!

lonegael · Aug 04, 2010, 03:29 AM

BNLS, hon, hang in there. Pup had some really good advice, but antoher thing t odo is remember that thoughts are not REAL. They come and go unless you give them more substance, hon. Just let them go their way and they will. I know they are scary, I get them too, but try not to attach any emotion to them, and they will probably move on.
Poor hon. I HATE that frantic feeling. You're mixed and can't stay in one place long enough to get anything really done. Try to think about where you are NOW and don't try to cram everything into the times you have energy, you'll just backlash.
Huggs, dear.

BNLsMOM · Aug 04, 2010, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonegael

BNLS, hon, hang in there. Pup had some really good advice, but antoher thing t odo is remember that thoughts are not REAL. They come and go unless you give them more substance, hon. Just let them go their way and they will. I know they are scary, I get them too, but try not to attach any emotion to them, and they will probably move on.
Poor hon. I HATE that frantic feeling. You're mixed and can't stay in one place long enough to get anything really done. Try to think about where you are NOW and don't try to cram everything into the times you have energy, you'll just backlash.
Huggs, dear.

I think you're right. I am mixed. I think I keep going in and out of the same mixed episode. I saw my t today and I have DBT tomorrow. I may call my p-doc if things still aren't right.

WendyAussie · Aug 04, 2010, 10:38 PM

I am going through the same thing. But the Bipolar Depressions are getting worse and worse and I'm back to ideation every single day and every single moment (unless I can turn my attention away for a very short period with the hughest effort). I am seeing my psychologist twice this week which has never happened before as she knows where I'm at.

BlackPup · Aug 05, 2010, 01:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WendyAussie

I am going through the same thing. But the Bipolar Depressions are getting worse and worse and I'm back to ideation every single day and every single moment (unless I can turn my attention away for a very short period with the hughest effort). I am seeing my psychologist twice this week which has never happened before as she knows where I'm at.

I'm really sorry to hear that things are so crappy....

I remember how hard it is to live with this... I respect the strength you have in keeping on going, every moment, every step. Please remember that this *will* get better. Until then

hugs, best wishes and chocolate...

WendyAussie · Aug 05, 2010, 02:17 AM

Thanks BlackPop, problem is that it does get better, I get a bit of hope and then I plunge plunge plunge in an endless cycle of torment - been happening for years - no matter how hard I work on everything - all I DO is work hard on everything. I've decided NOT to see my psychologist tomorrow as I'm actually sick of talking in the endless cycle and getting nowhere - that in itself is torment. It feels good now I've decided not to see her on Friday as Self Determination has been taken away from me in so many different ways due to my illness and taking the wheel sometimes makes me feel like I have a modicum of a life. And, fact is, as wonderful and loving a clinician as she is, psychiatry and psychology aren't helping me. I have a wonderful psychiatrist and psychologist and here I am for the Xthillionth time right on my arse. They may help me scrape by by the seat of my pants on an ongoing basis. But this ain't a life by any means.

I feel I'm at a point where I've gotta either pee or get off the pot. So I'll keep exploring spiritual lines (always do) and see what happens.

BNLsMOM · Aug 05, 2010, 08:21 PM

Wendy, it sounds like you are going through a mixed episode too. Are you safe?

I am feeling rather lost, myself.

BlackPup · Aug 07, 2010, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WendyAussie

Thanks BlackPop, problem is that it does get better, I get a bit of hope and then I plunge plunge plunge in an endless cycle of torment - been happening for years - no matter how hard I work on everything - all I DO is work hard on everything. I've decided NOT to see my psychologist tomorrow as I'm actually sick of talking in the endless cycle and getting nowhere - that in itself is torment. It feels good now I've decided not to see her on Friday as Self Determination has been taken away from me in so many different ways due to my illness and taking the wheel sometimes makes me feel like I have a modicum of a life. And, fact is, as wonderful and loving a clinician as she is, psychiatry and psychology aren't helping me. I have a wonderful psychiatrist and psychologist and here I am for the Xthillionth time right on my arse. They may help me scrape by by the seat of my pants on an ongoing basis. But this ain't a life by any means.

I feel I'm at a point where I've gotta either pee or get off the pot. So I'll keep exploring spiritual lines (always do) and see what happens.

It always seems so much harder when you think that things are getting better then the bottom drops out of your world again.... Thinking of you

BNLsMOM · Aug 08, 2010, 07:57 PM

I have had another thing happen the last couple of days. I will think I see a cat or rat or some sort of animal move along the wall out of the corner of my eye. When I look straight on, it is a bag or t shirt or something on the floor. I didn't question it when it happened at my house, because I have pets, but when it happened at my parents' house, I wondered because they have no pets at all.

Hopefully I am just misinterpreting things, but it is so strange.

thinker22 · Aug 08, 2010, 08:02 PM

That is weird. I think I see things out of the corner of my eyes quite a bit. It doesn't usually startle me because it has happened so often. I just decide that it's some sort of reflection on my glasses and when I go to look and nothing's there, I prove my point. Of course, there have occasionally been real things like spiders or ants, but no large animals.

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