[WendyAussie]

I am asking for wisdom or help about dealing with Bipolar Depressions and the ongoing flip of the coin between suicide and not suicide.

I have Bipolar, Panic and Anxiety Disorders, PTSD and some OCD thrown in and I'm also an 11 years sober member of AA. I was a blackout drunk from 14 to 32 when I got sober in AA. I am very much at peace about my alcoholism because when I hit Rock Bottom I went to AA did the drill (still do) and I've been sober from day One. A huge achievement considering alcoholism cuts through my family like a knife through butter.

But I don't have the acceptance about Bipolar Depression particularly as, despite being a 100% compliant patient (with the best meds mix I have ver had and HUGE dosages which I do need), working my guts out in therapy and seeking spiritual solutions I get some periods of relief, I start to to think maybe this is what life could be life and then I relapse again and again and again into the deepest Bipolar Depression, daily ideation (I tried to suicide two years ago and nearly succeeded - coma etc) absolute mental torture.

I am totally honest with my psychologist and psychiatrist about how deep the depressions are and how I would be very happy to take my life but that I simply REFUSE to live a life like this in the long term (I now know I have been sick since childhood with Early Onset Mental Illness and that's part of the reason I drank so dramatically from 14 - and I'm 43 now). My psychologist came to my house for our session yesterday because I have been so sick and when we were talking about this she said, "Wendy, you have a chonic lifelong mental illness and you WILL experience these episodes of deep Bipolar Depression". She is right, this is the very problem I am grappling with. This is the deepest of human suffering and I have all my cards on the table in terms of what I can do to help myself but I keep getting so very sick.

How can I find acceptance when this is an illness for life? I sometimes feel that I'd like to just cut to the chase and end it - stop all this fruitless hard work, including from my excellent psychiatrist and psychhologist.

As a rider to this I am under immense pressure at the moment with some complex legal.finnacial/medical issues and I have been given a Notice to Vacate right in the middle of all that, I have no-one to help me with all that except the love and support I get from my medical team and that is juxtoposed with profound loneliness after my permanent and necessary separation from family and one long term friend. Also, my psychologist said there are other things I can do but she hasn't told me what.

She is so concerned I'll suicide (I thought she's say this) that she canvassed doling out my meds daily and I told her that if that happened, or I was committed against my will, that would be the absolute end because I have been robbed of so much self determination and it soul destroying and degrading. She seems to really undersatnd what I about with that, which is good. Anyway, another day n Paradise.

[blueoctober]

Wendy, That is the nature of the illness and that's what sucks about it. No matter if you are the best patient on the earth, taking your meds, going to therapy, abstaining from alcohol etc. etc. it is highly likely that you will experience episodes. It sucks.

I have felt the same way you do, I am completely alone financially and if I have another hospital stay it will bankrupt me. It scares me. I also ended a long term friendship (almost 20 years in length) this year and haven't spoken to my parents since May out of self preservation (child abuse in my background).

I have had that same conversation with my P-doc and therapist saying if this is what my life has to offer I don't want it. In saying that I have had good times and though I still suffer mood swings, I am getting better at managing it. I'm glad I wasn't successful in my attempts and I do believe that we all have a purpose. Some of us will have harder struggles then others and when I was initially diagnosed I was pissed. I felt I already "paid my dues", but life doesn't work that way. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this.

[WendyAussie]

Thank you for that. I guess the nub of the problem is the DEPTH of the Bipolar Depressions. I never cease to be amazed at how sick I get and how quickly, like the bottom falling out of a paper bag. I guess I could cop having this serious illness and all the horrific life losses that occur, if I COULD manage these Bipolar Depressions (I guess that's a parallel to my AA experience). I appreciated that you acknowledged that there are some of us who DO put in 110%. Often on these boards and others the response to the post I made is try harder, it'll get better, there's a reason to all this etc. While those things might be true for some it's not for others. And also that you acknowledged that there is a difference in severity, I think, for any given psychiatric illness. So, again, some people even who have Bipolar may make blithe comments about sitting it out or think positively or whatever and it makes me feel worse. Thanks again, I appreciate your post.

[blueoctober]

Wendy, I'm glad it helped a little.

[gravyyy]

The truth of the matter is, Wendy, that it sucks, it's not fair, and why would you want to live the rest of your life like this? I hear you when your say you're a compliant patient as I am too. I echo you in that I have often thought that if this is what life is going to be like forever then i'm done. I don't want to play the game anymore. The profound depression is cruel and unusual punishment and there may be no amount of compliance or medication that will dull the pain. If there is, I have yet to find it. Every time I cycle down I think 'this is it, I have to end this' but yet I continue to put one foot in front of the other and get through it. I am also convinced that suicide will be my eventual end because at 27 I can't imagine doing this forever. I don't have any tremendous words of wisdom for you but I understand what you are saying. Sounds like so far putting one foot in front of the other has been working for you as well so just keep on like that for as long as you can. Maybe your T will have bettr suggestions when taking a step at a time becomes too much but whatever is working for you now, keep doing it. It's awesome you've come as far as you have, especially with your sobriety (Super Congrats for that!!!), and like I said... just take it a step at a time. Good luck getting all your medical/legal/housing trouble worked out. I'm glad you have a good treatment team to help you if you need it. Take good care and keep us posted.

[Lauru]

Wendy, I am right there with you. I can't accept that I will keep falling into a deep depression for the rest of my life. It has been going on for over 20 years. I am now 37. I am not sure I can keep this up much longer. But I hope you keep going, one foot in front of the other. You are a wonderful person and would be sorely missed, not just by us here at PC but by others in your life irl too. I wish for us both that things get better and we do find the acceptance we need to keep going.

Originally Posted by WendyAussie

... Often on these boards and others the response to the post I made is try harder, it'll get better, there's a reason to all this etc. While those things might be true for some it's not for others. And also that you acknowledged that there is a difference in severity, I think, for any given psychiatric illness. So, again, some people even who have Bipolar may make blithe comments about sitting it out or think positively or whatever and it makes me feel worse.

I so understand you on this. It makes me feel worse too, even trying to remind myself that no harm is meant. It's like I want to just do some Pollyanna Pummeling and scream, "you just ******* don't get it!!!" Especially when they talk about all their family etc. and all it means to them. Then I feel worse, because I'm glad for them, and wouldn't wish anything but the best for them. Still, they are them, and I am me, I can't relate and it makes me feel very very outside, and even more alone.*

Sure, those things can be useful when things are more mild. I'm probably even guilty to some degree of misapplication, and sincerely hope to not have inflicted any truly problematic hurt at those times. Personally make use of the lighter strategies when appropriate. BUT. Profound and persistant depression is a different beast altogether. Then it is like tossing tissues at Godzilla. And very frustrating to hear proposed.

(I would like to echo gravyyy in saying how very super awesome your sobriety is! Extremely commendable.)

On the topic of severity... Differences in severity are very real. Couldn't possibly agree more. (Have a rant on this topic. Another time though.)

* (Need to note here that I don't want anyone to feel bad for offering encouragement, and would obviously be loathe/unthinkable to discourage it, but I *do* have this reaction when I'm in a bad place, and I can't pretend it's not so. No reflection on anyone else, just my dark and besieged mind, and I want to be 100% clear on that.)

I truly don't mean to be a bummer. I know intellectually that our illness lies to us, but to my heart it is very very convincing in those times and just how relentless it feels. I just need to let you know that you are not alone.

WendyAussie, you asked for wisdom, I have none. You asked for help. I don't know what to say but that you can rest assured that I won't toss any of the stuff we talked about above out. So all I really have to offer is deep empathy and hope that in some measure it is of value to you. It's all I have, but it is fully yours if there is anything you find helpful even in the least bit. Even if it is only the potential of encouragement found in sharing.

[thinker22]

Just wanted to send you some and to say that I hear your pain. It's very real and I've been there too. If life is going to be like this, I thought, I don't want it any more (many many times). It can go on like that for months or years. We don't know how we survive, but somehow we have thus far. I won't offer any platitudes. Just know that I'm thinking about you and I care.

[BlackPup]

I also have no wisdom... but you do, you have the wisdom and experience hard won over your years of suffering. I wish I could give you something to ease the pain but all I can think of seems insignificant, I feel stupid saying, but I will...
... you are loved and appreciated in anonymity by the people on this forum...
... even a "normal" person facing eviction, finding a new place to live in the current rental climate and with financial pressures, would be struggling with life, don't lay it all on your illness...
I don't think any of this can help, but I and hoping and praying that your situation improves and your mood along with it...

[WendyAussie]

You guys are SOOO awesome. I just love straight talkin' and keeping it real with no platitudes or patronising and even just the acknowledgement of how bad it really is for some people. I'm very much at a nexus as many of you may have been. I had an horrific childhood like most of us but I "pulled myself up by the bootstraps", got an education while working and built an absolutely fabulous career and owned my own home (with a mortgage) for 14 years. I was blackout drinking through most of this and also had the undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. I'm sure that the hypomania/mania helped my career for years as I could channel it to a certain extent - but of course any control like that eventually ends and the moodswings are unmanageable - mixed states, rapid cycling, relentless panic and anxiety the high highs and the low lows, working in a high pressure career (PR and Communications) for years on little sleep. I'd breakdown and have to leave a job but would always pull myself up and get a BETTER job, promotions, raises etc. This went on for YEARS.

But three and a half years ago I got booted out of my job as I was so unwell and wasn't able to pull myself up like I had so many times. I'd been sober for about 8 years and thank goodness for that. But I haven't been able to work since. I find it very torturous to watch news and current affairs and I see Government Ministers, CEO's and Managing Directors I worked with, kicked arse on major projects with them, did great things and they are kicking on, partly because of all the media coverage and other PR I got them and here I am sitting in my loungeroom like a shag on a rock in this horrendous state. It's extremely painful. (My psychologist suggested not watching any news or current affairs but I am so isolated and disconnected from society as it is - that would not be a good way to go) I've progressed alot in casting off a lot of the ego stuff around my career, but I SO miss the intellectual stimulation and yes, the feeling of a job well done. I still try though - I just recently got some media for a small local business that had a big fire months ago and have just started up again (just for free) - that's just a little thing compared to what I used to do - major Communications Campaigns, but it still was good). They weren't very thankful but that was a good exercise in just doing something and not expecting thanks in return - I got my jollies out of doing it anyway.

I do accept that people can create whole new lives after losing a previous life like that, but these bloody deep bipolar depresssions make it so difficult. I tried to go back to work last year, melted down within a few weeks and had to resign (I have a rockin' Resume and can get a job easily but can't walk the walk anymore). I started back at study this year (we go by Calendar Year). I did pass the first subject but had to bail as I couldn't handle the bizarre (but too common) dysfunction of the admin and interfaces with the University. I book social or cultural or volunteer things in the town I am in and have to bail bail bail because of relapses. All this is crushing to the self esteem.

I am fortunate that I have many passions and interests, although they have been lost to my illnesses. But there is a platter of Life out there for me that I can pick up, only if my limitations weren't so limiting (??!! lol)

It's good just to be typing this at 3.00pm Sunday because Saturday was slightly better but I have plunged again today. Thanks again for all your welcome thoughts.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by WendyAussie

You guys are SOOO awesome. I just love straight talkin' and keeping it real with no platitudes or patronising and even just the acknowledgement of how bad it really is for some people. I'm very much at a nexus as many of you may have been. I had an horrific childhood like most of us but I "pulled myself up by the bootstraps", got an education while working and built an absolutely fabulous career and owned my own home (with a mortgage) for 14 years. I was blackout drinking through most of this and also had the undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. I'm sure that the hypomania/mania helped my career for years as I could channel it to a certain extent - but of course any control like that eventually ends and the moodswings are unmanageable - mixed states, rapid cycling, relentless panic and anxiety the high highs and the low lows, working in a high pressure career (PR and Communications) for years on little sleep. I'd breakdown and have to leave a job but would always pull myself up and get a BETTER job, promotions, raises etc. This went on for YEARS.

But three and a half years ago I got booted out of my job as I was so unwell and wasn't able to pull myself up like I had so many times. I'd been sober for about 8 years and thank goodness for that. But I haven't been able to work since. I find it very torturous to watch news and current affairs and I see Government Ministers, CEO's and Managing Directors I worked with, kicked arse on major projects with them, did great things and they are kicking on, partly because of all the media coverage and other PR I got them and here I am sitting in my loungeroom like a shag on a rock in this horrendous state. It's extremely painful. (My psychologist suggested not watching any news or current affairs but I am so isolated and disconnected from society as it is - that would not be a good way to go) I've progressed alot in casting off a lot of the ego stuff around my career, but I SO miss the intellectual stimulation and yes, the feeling of a job well done. I still try though - I just recently got some media for a small local business that had a big fire months ago and have just started up again (just for free) - that's just a little thing compared to what I used to do - major Communications Campaigns, but it still was good). They weren't very thankful but that was a good exercise in just doing something and not expecting thanks in return - I got my jollies out of doing it anyway.

I do accept that people can create whole new lives after losing a previous life like that, but these bloody deep bipolar depresssions make it so difficult. I tried to go back to work last year, melted down within a few weeks and had to resign (I have a rockin' Resume and can get a job easily but can't walk the walk anymore). I started back at study this year (we go by Calendar Year). I did pass the first subject but had to bail as I couldn't handle the bizarre (but too common) dysfunction of the admin and interfaces with the University. I book social or cultural or volunteer things in the town I am in and have to bail bail bail because of relapses. All this is crushing to the self esteem.

I am fortunate that I have many passions and interests, although they have been lost to my illnesses. But there is a platter of Life out there for me that I can pick up, only if my limitations weren't so limiting (??!! lol)

It's good just to be typing this at 3.00pm Sunday because Saturday was slightly better but I have plunged again today. Thanks again for all your welcome thoughts.

Wendy

I understand about not being able to work in your field anymore, that you were so good at. I had to leave my field and am now working very part time at menial jobs and still have to take time off for relapses. It hurts, bad. But at least I have a good support system. I am lucky that way. Wishing you all the best

[blueoctober]

WendyAussie, I'm sorry that you had a horrific childhood. That isn't right and it should never have happened. I know this doesn't take it away, but it needs to be said.

[catrules]

You perfectly put into words what I have been feeling lately. It is discouraging to be doing everything that you should, but still cannot shake it. Know that you are not alone

[WendyAussie]

Thanks guys.

[pondbc]

''I book social or cultural or volunteer things in the town I am in and have to bail bail bail because of relapses. All this is crushing to the self esteem.

Wendy, you have just put into words the last 5 years of my life. I understand so well what you are going through. You're not alone.

[WendyAussie]

Thanks Harriet. We are Fellow Travellers. I hope you progress through this too.

[Amandas256]

I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. You are never alone. We are always here for you!

[WendyAussie]

I just want to say thanks again for the support in this thread. I am on another site with mental health groups and me posting the same initial post has had a terribly different result. It's ended in another member giving me a hardarse religious rant. When I called her out on it she eventually apologised in the thread and I accepted. Then she sent me a PM really trying to nail me. Very nasty and very manipulative to do that, especially when I am talking about my life being on the line. Needless to say I'm getting the thread closed and I'll cease contact with her. Hard lessons. But at least on line when someone does this I can just make those assertives decision and unless she comes back under another name I'm rid of her. I was having a better day today and now I'm having a dip, which is natural - but I won't let her get me down.