I need a hug.

Life has been... "interesting" since I decided to mess with my medications on my own a couple of weeks ago. For the first week I felt better, but I've been growing increasingly distractable and antisocial. This morning all of my sensory inputs seemed to be "off" in a very frightening way, and I ended up in the panic attack of a lifetime. I really felt like I was completely losing my mind. Thanks to some clonazepam, I'm now feeling much better, but I am sad. Very sad. I had hoped that I wouldn't need mood stabilizers (or any medications) any more, but after the mini semi-psychotic experience I had at church this morning (something totally new for me), I'm forced to accept that perhaps I really am bipolar, and I really do need medications. I'm terrified that the scary perceptual disturbances will return tomorrow once the clonazepam has worn off. I know... it's time for me to go crawling back to my psychiatrist. I'll call his office in the morning. But for now, what I really need is a warm, non-judgmental hug...

((((((Medicated)))))) I hope that hug is good for you. If not let me know and Ill give you a bigger one. Dont worry I wont judge you. I understand what your going through, but you did one more step than I have ever taken. You at least tried the medications.

I fight well fought with my doctor and I have never returned. I get scarey episodes. I know this is going to be sounding funny, but I dont mean for it too. Dont be afraid to take medication if it helps you then thats what you have to do. ( i know its like the pot calling the kettle black).

I really understand the denying or the non wanting of the bipolar diagnosis its hard and a very unaccepted condition that most people dont understand. Best of luck. ((((((Medicated)))))

Sorry if this dont make much sense as my thoughts are all over the place and very unorganized.

Hope you get in to see your p-doc and you get to feeling better soon on a good combo.

Sending you safe hugs! I think a lot of us play pdoc with ourselves and mess with our meds. Looks like you have learned from this experience as I and many others have learned. Hope everything stabilizes for you real soon! Hang in there!

I hope you are feeling better soon. Hugs to you, Medicated.

Sending you good wishes

According to my t, people with bipolar disorder will go off their meds an average of 3 times before we come to an acceptance of their necessity.

No judgement. No worries.
Hope all is well again soon!

((((((Medicated))))))

I feel terrible for what you are going through right now. It's tough. I never had to take medications, although some people felt like I needed them, I resorted to using my own mind to keep myself sane, which isn't always easy when your mind is playing tricks on you.. I still have problems, but I don't let it get to me as much. I don't worry or panic as much, and I don't feel so depressed all the time. I just wish that I could take away some of your pain, because I know how tough it is.. Just know that I (and the rest of us here) are here for you if you need anything, and if you need someone to talk to I am here. Take care, be safe, and don't give up. Make sure you post here some to let us know how you are doing.

only 3 times? maybe i'm not bipolar then, I have done it many many times....

Heck, I've been bipolar since I was 17, am 37 now. I still have yet to fully accept the ramifications of this disease.

It's an average; it's an average. It comes down to how many times we plan to put ourselves through the crash on the belief we don't needs the meds anymore. Or on the idea that they don't work anyway, so why bother. I so completely understand and have been there. Medicated, I hope you'll be able to get back with your pdoc and find the med combination that keeps you most stable. Try not to get too frustrated. We all understand very well what you are going through.

One warm non judgmental hug coming up.



Okay, so that was more than one.

Aww... thank you, everyone. I really needed that.

This has certainly been a learning experience... today was the first time I experienced any kind of perceptual disturbances like that. I didn't think I was capable of it. I guess the [himself bipolar] psychiatrist friend of mine was right when he cautioned me that just because I hadn't been through something before, that doesn't make me immune to it occurring in the future.

I think I'll take a "sick" day tomorrow...

hope you're feeling well again soon,

i think you are lucky to have the option of meds, i am going through a lot of difficulty at the moment too except the waiting list for the pdoc is weeks if not months months long
good luck my friend
many hugs!

Sorry it's a bit late medicated, hope you and your pdoc work something out sOOn!

Big hugs from me too, hope it works out for you!

Hope your feeling better now.

Lots of love and hugs comin your way! Hang in there!

I called and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. I just saw him on Friday and quite proudly told him that things were going well, so this is going to be embarrassing to admit what happened over the weekend. I'm feeling okay right now (although quite mentally/physically tired), so I don't think I need to be hospitalized. However, I'm still feeling the effects of the clonazepam I took yesterday afternoon (and despite it, I only slept for ~4 hours... normally the dose I took would knock me COLD for a full day...), and I'm worried that the freaky symptoms will come back when it fully wears off. We'll see what the psychiatrist wants to do with me today...

This whole situation make me so, so sad.

Medicated
Sorry things went south for you. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm in tears.

I just got good news from my school, but in the short term it means more work/studying for me, and I just can't handle that right now. I was already on the brink of completely overwhelmed, and I think this new demand just pushed me over the edge.

I'm sure I was (dysphoric) manic over the weekend, but I don't feel manic at all any more. Now I just feel really, REALLY depressed, unmotivated, and hopeless... like I'm destined to be a failure, so why do I keep trying?? Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just admit defeat and give up.

My appointment is in half an hour and I'm a teary wreck.

I guess I've found the "real" me... and it isn't pretty.

Just got home from the psychiatrist. I was so upset in the office that he gave me a 1mg clonazepam to take then and there.

He is putting me back on the same doses of trileptal and abilify that I was taking before, and left the wellbutrin and buspar where I had them. He also wants me to take a total of 2mg of clonazepam per day - 0.5 in the morning, 0.5 in the afternoon, and 1 at night.

He encouraged me to take the next few days off from work until I start to stabilize, but I told him I really can't... and it's true - I can't. Then he suggested that perhaps a "short" hospital stay would be best. I declined, but he left it available as an option if wanted/needed and strongly encouraged me to take it easy, because things could get worse if I push myself too hard.

Since I don't want to go to the hospital, it seems his plan is to keep me drugged up on the clonazepam until the other meds kick in again. Fair enough, I suppose. I see his point with the hospital - a safe, [relatively] calm environment where all that is expected of me is that I get better - I admit, the idea has its appeals, but it would royally mess up my schooling. Again. No thanks.

Well, the clonazepam he gave me at the office is kicking in. I feel calmer, but sleepy. I think a nap is in order...

(((((medicated))))))

Hope you had a good nap and start to feel much better soon.

I know I don't know your situtation but I can so relate to thinking I can't afford time off to take care of myself. Unless I am physcially unable to move I push myself onward. I lost my career because I wouldn't take care of myself when I needed to. Things did get worse when I pushed myself too hard. I don't expect to ever be well enough to return to full time work. I think if I had listened to my body and my doctor when it mattered I would still have my career.

If you had the flu would you still go to work? Why is it we don't treat mental illness with the same care we do other illnesses? Just wondering. Maybe you can rethink the best option for you right now and consider taking a few days to stabilize in peace and quiet. Trying to function while unstable could royally mess with your life.

Here's the thing - I'm a student pursuing a graduate-level professional degree in the medical field. As part of my training, I am required to complete a certain number of days/hours at each clinical site. There are no breaks built in for make-up time if I need to take a few days off, so if I miss more than a couple of days, I'll have to repeat the entire five-week rotation. This isn't like a normal job - it marches onward and won't wait for me to feel up to coming back. If I end up hospitalized again, I could lose my spot in the program, and therefore my career. I've fought very hard to continue in this program, and since I'm supposed to be finishing in December, I really don't want to give it all up now.

But I understand your point. At present, I am not well. Without medications, I'm an extremely anxious, semi-hallucinating, manic(ish) wreck. With the clonazepam on board, I feel much more calm, yet completely apathetic about my schoolwork and chores. I would LOVE to take a few days off... I wouldn't even mind being in the hospital for a few days (my apartment is a complete disaster and I want to escape it), but choosing that route could jeopardize my education and my career.

I feel like I have no choice... I'm either going to make this work, or die trying.