[Trippin2.0]

Broke up with BF last week cos I thought he's better off, and I was fine, or maybe my hypomania made it seem fine. Don't know if it was a BP decision or ME (judging by my actions the former seems accurate) I've been trying to convince myself that it was the right decision, no matter where it came from. Bare in mind that BF is also long time (10 yrs) BEST FRIEND, and it has finally sunk in that he will NEVER forgive me for my behavior last week, and rightfully so. He will never be a part of my life again, and it's MY OWN DOING, I'M A COMPLETE LOSER.

Having sui thoughts, and don't know if my thread is gonna be edited again, b/c for some strange reason, I write the typical BP things, but my threads always get edited (siting graphic,sensitive content which may trigger others, HELLO, that's why I use the trigger icon) I can't even be blatantly honest HERE So I have PURPOSEFULLY TONED DOWN THIS THREAD!!!!
Not sui cos I'm scared of ending up alone, sui b/c LOOK AT WHAT I"VE DONE!, HOW MANY MORE OF THESE AM I GOING TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO?
I'm scared of being alone with myself b/c I'm extremely sui and even tho I could find a million reasons not to, the temptation is there, and my SI urges are strong.

My new meds haven't arrived, insurance wants a motivational for the Risperdal/Risperidone, don't know when I'm getting the right meds.

I absolutely hate my depression (as do all of you) but mine is accompanied with psychosis (thus the need for a med tweak)

I'm scared and lonely and I want this hell I've created for myself to swallow me.

Sorry

[sugahorse1]

Trippin - I'm sorry you feel this way - yesterday I woke up at 3AM after a serious arguement with my boyfriend. I know how hard it is to have a relationship with BP.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm sticking to my original policy and NEVER getting involved with anyone again!
I'm already an emotional wreck, I sO don't need someone else speeding up and derailing my roller-coaster.

NEVER AGAIN

[blueoctober]

Trippin2.0; I hope you are feeling better about your decision. I think it's natural to feel guilty or sad etc. about the break-up, but the sui thoughts are most likely a function of the illness. Can you see your p-doc again?

[Trippin2.0]

he's out of town till Tuesday, my next appt is in Sept.

I just don't want to deal with any of this crap I subject myself to any longer.
I just want it to end, I'm sick and tired of being me, and there's no pill to fix that.

I can't do this, any of this anymore...

[blueoctober]

Trippin I have been where you have been before and it's highly likely I will be there again. I know it doesn't feel like it while you are going through it, but it will pass and the mood will lift again. Please surround yourself with people that "fill you up" and don't try to struggle with this by yourself.

[sugahorse1]

There will be a med combo that will drastically improve your moods. And then you can have a relationship.
The other person needs to know beforehand what they are getting themselves into, and the "nice thing" is that a lot of guys like to be the "protector" and are happy to look after us broken souls

(((Trippin)))
Please know that I am so sorry this is hitting you so hard. It will pass and don't mean to sound ... well, you know. I understand just how hard (ok, it *feels* impossible) it is to believe that in those times, such is how badly BP messes with our sense of reality. But it *is* lying to you. Please see if you can get an emergency appointment, ok? Even if they won't schedule one per se, be sure to have them put you on the cancellation list or at the least, refer you. Be sure to let them know just how bad it is for you right now. They need to know. Do not gloss over from pride or fear. Please. Meanwhile, know that we are all here pulling for you.

[Trippin2.0]

But I just wanna crawl in a whole and rot... Made plans to spend time with my brother this evening b/c his "good" for me. I'm really trying to ignore my mind and urges,but my mind has formulated some damn good arguments... I just wanna be somebody else,someone sensible, logical,and SIMPLE! I didn't sign up for this crap, I don't want any of it!

[BNLsMOM]

If you are truly not safe, please make sure you spend time with people. Seeing your brother is a good idea. If he can't be with you until you feel better, maybe a trip to the emergency room is a good idea. They will keep an eye on you.

[Trippin2.0]

Was honest with my brother about my feelings and fears for the first time,he confiscated my pills, prayed for me,held me,and said stuff I really needed to hear. He is now cheering me up with comedies and f00d, and making sure I stay safe until this passes... I don't think an emergency room would ever be neccessary as long I stay safe, as I tend to cycle quite rapidly. Which then leaves me feeling STUPID for ranting in the first place and making everybody worry! But it's something I need to do, so Thanks guys for always being so supportive!

[NuckingFutz]

Glad your brother could help. Maybe putting a plan into place so when you get this bad, you know what your next step needs to be. I have a plan that when the mania or depression hit, my sister gets a call and I ask for help on here. I also know not to make major decisions such as break-ups as I know I am not thinking clearly. Taking baby steps and self care helps too!

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks NF, I think a safety plan is worth looking into...

[Amandas256]

Trippin... Sending lots of love and hugs your way! This will all pass, I promise! Hang in there!

[Anneinside]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I just wanna be somebody else,someone sensible, logical,and SIMPLE! I didn't sign up for this crap, I don't want any of it!

Yes, none of us signed up for this but we have to deal with it. Being with your brother is a good idea, so is calling your pdoc for an earlier appointment, and, if all else fails, go to the ER.

[Trippin2.0]

Just realized I have serious guilt issues... Duh you'd think someone with above average intelligence and acute self-awareness would've deduced that by now. Got rid of bf b/c I felt guilty for being such a mess. Then felt guilty b/c of the break up. Took online PC advice and tried being responsible, and opened up to my brother. Really opened up. He took great care of me,and I was doing great for a few hours. Wanted to get to bed just now (it's nearly 2am here) and felt such comfort and relief that I was finally able to reach out (bonus, to someone LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE) felt such love,warmth and much needed comfort. Then came the inevitable GUILT of involving my baby brother in this mess that is I. Granted his n0t an actual baby, he's nearly 20,but with my dad passed on, he's been shouldering added responsibilties in our family,and I feel CRAP for dumping this on him to0. Guess there's no escape or even relief for me. I beat myself up when I deal alone,and beat myself even harder when I seek support. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm tired of me,and don't blame anyone else if they are too... PS. Thanks for all the support,you are honestly lifesavers, the lot of u. XOXO

[BNLsMOM]

You're being too hard on yourself. Your brother loves you and is a support for you when you need him. I am sure you would do the same for him. Just let him know how much you appreciate him. I am sure he is more than happy to be helping you.

[Trippin2.0]

Why does that n0t register in my oh s0 brilliant mind? All I ever end up feeling is guilt and shame. Doesn't matter how I spin it,the outcome's always the same. Thinking about it, this pattern is YEARS OLD, how do I break it when I'm n0t the 1 in the driver's seat?? This sucks to know end. Maybe I should accept my doomed existance as my fate and just get on with it...

[kadesgirl09]

((((((((((((TRIPPN)))))))))))) sorry I just saw this thread (Im DAYS behind...) BUT i wanted to let you know I LOVE reading your energetic posts. You are a wonderful woman and are being way too hard on yourself like BnLsMom said... be safe and know your not alone. lots of hugs for you because you deserve them...

[lonegael]

Oh Trippin, I hear the disease talking. You know all this but the illlness won't let it really sink in. You have been responsible. You didn't dump on him; you gave him the chance to help you and keep you safe. Imagine his pain if you had NOT done that. He needs you and you gave him the chance to do what he can to keep you, dear. That is not selfish, weak or anything else to feel guilty about, and you can tell that pain in the #¤% depression that, too. You're doing the right things, even if it feel like you're not. Hang in there. HUGGS

[Amandas256]

How is everything going Trippin? I hope well!

[Trippin2.0]

Much better! Thanks to everyone for keeping perspective when I could not. Guess I discovered there's an upside to rapid cycling. I spent the weekend in a bit of a daze,but my proper meds have FINALLY arrived,so I'm sure I should be fine (until further trigger, LoL) You guys are really the greatest! I hope and pray all's well with you,and I'm sending GIANT hugs to all who in need! MWAH XOXO

[Amandas256]

I'm so happy for you Trippin!

[vjdragonfly]

Glad you are feeling better. Best of wishes to you.

[unico]

I'm very sorry that you feel so awful, but something will change. I hope being with your brother helps. Being around the right people sometimes helps me.