Relationship Help!!!!

Hi All!
I’ve posted a couple times and I have been searching the site for some answers to my own issues.
My story: I have been this way (BP) since high school. The only problem was that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t know it was normal to be so depressed. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to be so aggressive, angry, frustrated. I thought it was part of life and that I was just a strong person and more of a loner. I thought the reason I didn’t have friends was that they didn’t measure up to me. That they always failed in the friendship test. And so on… so many of the symptoms, b ut no answer as to why.
I was diagnosed years ago as Bipolar. My brother is Bipolar but his was stage I and he had the hallucinations and the depression, mostly caused by drug abuse and alcohol. In other words his drug use triggered a major episode. So my frame of reference for BiPolar was that, I didn’t know about stages, so I always thought that I couldn’t be BP because I didn’t have the manic stage.
I am very angry now because my Dr diagnosed me as BP Stage II 4 or 5 years ago and never bothered to explain it to me. He just wrote it down, gave me some drugs and sent me on my way. A couple weeks later I felt better and the side effects were bothering me so I stopped taking the medicine and continued on with my life. I didn’t know or realize the hell I was putting my wife and our families through with my anger, outbursts, depression, ugliness and so forth. I just thought I was angry about something and that I needed to let people know how angry I was. Funny, anger seemed to be the way I dealt with all my emotions.
Two weeks ago my wife came to me and said she wanted a divorce. She couldn’t handle living with me anymore. I had alienated her family too much and she couldn’t go on without her family and she couldn’t bring them here because she never knew when I would lose it. The same with her friends. She says she has been “disengaging” from our relationship for a while and that a month and a half ago she decided it was time for a divorce. She started planning her escape route. During this she had her 25th High School reunion. While planning to attend and talking to old high school friends about the event. She hooked up with her high school sweet heart and started talking to him while at work and away from me.
She went to her reunion and met up with him. I don’t think anything physical has happened yet. But the phone calls are every day. She has said things like she can love two people at the same time. She needs time to work this out in her head. That she doesn’t know if she can ever trust me again. That she is thinking of moving back to her home town. I know he is whispering sweet nothings in her ear, something I haven’t done since we were dating. He is giving her the romance she needs and the good feelings she needs over the phone, while I am going crazy here.
All of this has triggered a major episode in me. I have been running around like crazy the past two weeks. I’ve talked to a priest, I’ve started seeing a counselor and finally on Tuesday I went to my Dr. He put me on Symbyax and Xanax. The Xanax he gave me to calm me down as I hadn’t had but maybe 10 hours sleep in two weeks. My mind racing out of control. And the Symbyax to start leveling me off. This is when I found out that he had diagnosed me 4-5 years ago as stage II. Now I am angry at him for not fully explaining to me what stage II was and what the symptoms were. If I would have known I would have stayed on the meds instead of putting my wife and family through hell.
Now that you have the back ground… my questions. Do I try and save my marriage? Do I beg my wife to stay and help me? Do I let her go so she can pursue a life with this other guy? I know I can’t continue to have her here while she is still sneaking off to have conversations with this other guy. We have to sell our house because of financial problems. My question is, should I move out while we sell it? Do I stay? Do I ask her to move out? She can stay with friends until the house is sold and then the money from the house she can use to by herself a new house or move back to her home town. She has friends and relatives here in Texas, while I have no family here. I just don’t know what to do. My emotions are all over the board. She is gone for two weeks out of the country on business and I am climbing the walls. I just don’t know what to do. She keeps saying be patient that she needs time to figure this all out. But how can I be patient? I’m cycling between manic and depressive almost hourly sometimes more often. The Symbyax won’t charge my system for at least another week and while the Xanax is helping me to sleep, making waking time is filled with worry, depression, anxiety, energy, crying, and so forth. What do I do? I am scared and I don’t know how to fix this.
Sorry this is so long but I needed to get it out. Thanks!

ranger99a - How long have you been married? Why don't you see if she will go to a counselor together. I wish my husband would go with me, he is BP, but he doesn't believe in counselors or therapist.

I guess I know how she feels, I feel like I am always giving and it would be nice for once for someone to pay attention to me and romance me!

Maybe if you suggest the counseling, she will see that you are serious and want to work things out.

I wish you the best of luck

I can't advise you on every question you asked. But, I'll try my best on some of them.

Now that you know your diagnosis and since you have a computer, research Bipolar II and learn all about it. I have the same DX. It helped me tremendously to read all I could and digest it. Taking responsibility for our DX is very empowering, because understanding a illness is the first step to recovery. I don't think that I would waste any time on being angry at your doctor. He may have told you your DX and you forgot about it. He's human, just as you are.

Perhaps it is a good thing that your wife is gone right now. This will give you time to work out a few things in your head. What does your T say about your situation? Lean on your T and don't be afraid to ask questions.

As far as the confusion, concerning your wife's alienation from you, take into consideration that she's been hurting too, for a very long time. I was married to an alcoholic, a lifetime ago and I remember knowing that I could never "connect" with him, due to his disease. He didn't seek help and we divorced.

Empower yourself..counseling, reading and I suggest exercise. You may think that I'm crazy, but I guarantee you that if you're physically exhausted, it helps. (actually, I am crazy... )

I hope this helps. Pat

(((Pssst. Pat. I love this)))

Taking responsibility for our DX is very empowering, because understanding a illness is the first step to recovery.

Welcome Truffles!

Petunia

Truffles,

I am trying to get her into counseling both for herself and to a marriage counselor. The problem is a month ago she had decided to end our marriage. She went to a lawyer and had the divorce papers drawn. She disengaged from our marriage and in doing so she hunted up an ex boyfriend. One that she hadn't seen in 25 years but still had thoughts and feelings for... Two weeks ago (aug 12), she went to her 25 year high school reunion and met up with him. I was back east visiting my family. Since then she says they have developed feelings for one another and she needs to figure out what those feelings are before she can continue with our relationship. This sent me into a massive cycling of my Bipolar. So I am trying my best to be at peace and to let God run things... I don't know what else to do.

She told me she wanted a divorce on Aug 16th. 4 days before our 6 year anniversary. She said she wanted to sell our home and go on her way and see where things lead... Since then she has had to go out of town on business for two weeks... not just out of twon but out of the country. I finally worked myself into such a mania I had to go to the Dr for meds. It was then I found out that they had diagnosed me 5 years ago with Stage 2 Bipolar. Nice of them to explain it to me. They said I was bipolar but my only frame of reference was my brother when he was diagnosed as stage 1 and since I didn't have the hullicinations, the paranoia and I was functioning I didn't think I had a problem. Well now it is obvious I do... but it may be too late. So yes I have offered her individual counseling, marriage counseling, Drs. and anything and everything I can think of... I don't know what to do now.

Pat,

Thanks!!! Its what I've been doing and the mania makes it easy for me to get a lot done... but the thinking is killing me inside. Of course I imagine things being far worse then they really are and that doesn't do anything but work me into another tizzy... But I'm trying to relax and I'm trying to do this as controlled and as anaylitical as I approach everything else... The Xanax works great for about 18 hours... then it drops off and the mania starts again until my next schedule dosage. I jsut wish the Symbyax would start working...

how about trying to not analyze everything. that causes a lot of problems. are you exercising? and continue on with your therapy. you really can't "make" your wife go to therapy. it probably would not do a lot of good, if she felt forced.

Hi Ranger!

Could you please make your paragraphs smaller...as reading a massive paragraph is often harder to read...and digest. I've had to avoid reading several posts...becuz it is awkward to read such massive lines all put together in one huge monstrosity.LOL.Please do not take this as a slight. It is not written to be so.

~Dottie

Trust me... I have tried not to analyze everything... but the mania is causing it to happen in rapid succession... It is constantly on my mind and every word is turned over and over again. I thought the Xanax would help... but it lasts for about 18 hours and then I'm right back where I started until it is time for the next dose.... at least I take it at night so I have been sleeping...

I'm getting plenty of exercise cleaning the house. But I know I need to do more... I need to get to the gym, 1) to wear me out and 2) to get back into the shape I was in when I met my wife....

Thanks for the advice... I'll back off that and let her make her own decisions... and keep praying that it is the one I want her to make...

Sorry... I was in major mania episode when I wrote it... I should know better by now. I'll try to keep them shorter and more to the point. Thanks for the nudge.

Thank you, Ranger.

~Dottie

I am so sorry for the misery you are going through. It sounds exactly like my brother A's marriage. My siter-in-law was meeting men on the internet. It sabotoged and unraveled their marriage. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! He died of natural causes at the age of 50.

His pain had really taken a savage toll on him physically & mentally.

In my opinion ya ought to bail out of this marriage for your own sake.

Just my opinion. I wish you all the best!

~Dottie

Hi Ranger,

My advice is to find a good therapist, (psychologist), and talk to him/her about all these issues. You have so many that you need a real, 3-D person to help you sort through them and figure out the best way to deal with your wife, the selling of your home, etc.

I am sincerely sorry you are suffering right now. You heartaches alone hurt, much less the agony of raging back and forth in mania.

I wish you the very best,

January

Dottie,
My condolences for the lost of your brother.

Why do you feel I should bail out? Do you not think there is a chance I can change and try to save this marriage? I would be interested in knowing why you feel I should bail. To me it is not an option, I love my wife too much to not try and save it. To just give up and walk away.
Thanks

January,

Thanks... I have a good therapist... well so far he is the best therapist I have ever had. But since finding out about BP 2. I'm not sure whether he is equiped to deal with it. His fields have always been towards anger management, adolecent drug addiction, and marriage counseling... He told me last week we would discuss it this Wednesday so I am waiting and making a list for him of questions and see where it goes from there.
Thanks for you advice!

Hello Ranger.

Well YOU want to change. Your wife seems like she's doin' fine right where she's at. I see a no- win situation.

I had warned my brother 3 years before he died. I begged him. I even found a wonderful companion for him. He didn't bite.

He told me he was addicted to his wife and would not consider divorcing her again. They had divorced earlier...she got a lot of money in the settlement and she blew it on one of her boyfriends. One boyfriend took his own life when she left him.

Everywhere she goes she brings and has brought nothing what torment and grief..even death itself.

She was an absolutely toxic mother to her three beautiful children. One is a stripper now..with a baby. Boyfriend's been in jail for drug-dealing.

Another daughter is a crack addict.

Their son wants to move to China. He has a full head of dreadlocks...(I think they are called) Smokes pot and is plugged into Reggae thruout the day. The last I heard he was still living on his inheritance.

My brother was quite wealthy at one point. He started with NOTHING. She bled all of it from him.

At the time of his death...he was just filing for bankruptcy.

My brother was in therapy. Thinking if he changed HIMSELF...all would fall in place. (She refused therapy...said it was for "crazy people"!)

She was adept at belittling my brother for everything.

Just remember to take stock of your life. Look at it realisticly. Not through some dream.

In any case..I sincerely wish you the very best. Remember think of yourself...first!

~Dottie

Hi. Just remembered..my brother was dx Bi-polar, Depression Panic Disorder. May he RIP!

~Dottie

getting back to Ranger's problems...Ranger, i think it is great that you've created a list of questions for your T. and remember, educating yourself is very empowering. if i were you, i'd not dwell upon the possibility of your marriage going south, i would concentrate on getting better. whether or not you save your marriage is not as important as your recovery. and of course i understand your pain concerning your wife, but, as you and i have talked, you cannot make her do anything right now. xoxox pat

Hi Ranger!

Thanks for the condolences. I really appreciate that.

I hope that at least... in even one small way..an account of what happened to my brother, an outstanding Human Being, can help to prevent another fine Human Being from experiencing such tragedy.((( Still dealing!!)))

~as always

Dottie

Dottie,

One of my biggest problems and I am so hoping this illness caused a lot of it... is that I am too self centered. I always look out for myself and I don't let anyone get close to me for fear of them hurting me. Caution is one thing but if I am ever going to be happy in this life I have to let go, let the walls down and join the human race, rather than obserrving it from high upon the pedestal that I have placed myself.
I do appreciate your in put though. Gives me lots to think about.