Purpose & Identity - Who am I

Currently my greatest struggle is just coming to terms with who I am. For so long, everyone just accepted my disorder as "that is just him" and they loved me when I was up and seemed to wait patiently for me when I was down. Through this roller coaster life I learned how to excel in everything I did, and was able to fluidly assimilate into any situation. I had friends from every creed, and refused to be told that I could not do something. In fact, for almost every "you can't do that" statement I did it and did it well. Unfortunately in the process I often severed ties to friends creating a sheltered existence and an existence adorned with achievements from the dreams of others.

But yet I am still unhappy with things. I feel as though I do not truly fit in anywhere. I feel as though I do not know the person in the mirror. I feel like the perfect chameleon, and can become whoever you need me to be at whatever moment you need it. I feel as though I can accomplish anything, but have no idea what it is that I want to accomplish for myself. Purpose has become a profanity and identity an image of your immediate need.

How do I break this cycle? How do I discover what makes my soul leap? What is the sum of everything I have done? When will the smile in the mirror be for me and not you?

I can't tell you how to be you. I can tell you how I found me. I had always loved musical theatre but had always been too scared to audition for anything. All through high school I wished I had time in my schedule for it but I didn't and was afraid of the "clickyness" of it. Through college I was too scared.

Finally I felt like I had hit rock bottom in my life and I figured I had nothing left to loose and auditioned - I got cast. Turns out I belong in the theatre. So my question to you would be do you have something you've always wanted to do but didn't? Try it! Or just try something new...maybe it will help you find you.

You need to work out what really makes you tick. What gets you out of bed, what you would miss the most if you weren't around, what really makes you smile, what fulfills you.
Then make sure your life is full of these things.
I am finding it invaluable to be able to see a T and she helps me work on these same issues. Some days for me are worse, where I really question who I am and why I bother living life. But these phases pass. I need a friend that directs me back onto the healthy path.
I hope you can find you peace and purpose soon.

I agree that therapy might help you answer these questions, lost. I know I had a major identity crisis when first diagnosed. "Was it me or the bipolar?" "Is this person on meds the real me?" Therapy helped. So did exploring self-help books. Philosophy might be a good choice, too. Everyone has these questions about themselves, and it is part of being human to keep exploring the core of our being.

Along the same lines of the supportive words above. The reality is you are you and we are we but it may help you as you hear how we have dealt with the same quandary you present.

For me I accept my illness as a part of who I am. It does not define me though. I do however have to fight the unnatural and illogical direction it points me too.

As a young man I was an outstanding athlete who had a brief flirt with chasing a dream of professional baseball. I then became a musician and that has brought many good things. I also managed to start a successful Janitorial Business. I have been married twice and the 2nd time has been great and I have 2 daughters who are doing very well.

I have also failed miserably at all of these things over and over and had a period of severe self destruction and suicidal leanings.

For me and let me stress for me, it was comforting to find out what I believe is the purpose of life for everyone and everything. Which in turn has helped me, emphasis on I am speaking for me, be firmly and unequivocally convinced that life as we know it was not intended to be like this and all will one day be corrected by our creator.

Now while many will scoff or others will interpret this as some emotional religious mumbo jumbo so be it. Just know that I am not talking about some inner blind faith or some church babble. It is based on my own personal research and my relentless search for the answer to the very question that you presented. That is again the answer for me.

This is what has worked with me. No human was meant to live like this nor with any trouble known to man. And knowing it will end is enough for me to accept the present reality of dealing with it.

I have had that issue for years, and still do. You described the identitity conundrum so well. Though I am still quite lost, I've just started going back to college for a degree in English, at 36 years old. I've been in college before, switching majors back and forth, and listening to people who told me that I had to study something that was in-demand and well-paying. Well, that's why I dropped out of college. I was confused and unhappy. It's time for me to do what I've known all along that I love.

What have you always liked to do? Think back to childhood or your teenage years, and the classes that you enjoyed. Think of activities that make you feel as though you lose time, because you are so engrossed that you don't notice it's passage. For me it's writing. It's different for everyone. It could be academic, physical, or artistic. It could be something others think of as mundane, like cooking, knitting, or even cleaning. Whatever it is for you, pursue your passion. You don't have to be an expert at it to start. You don't even have to be very good. Practice will make you good. The important thing is to begin.

There's a quote that says, "You are what you think about all the time." So, if you like painting, but think your work is poor, you're still a painter. If you like cooking, and cook regularly, then you're a cook. If you know what you're passion is, but haven't pursued it yet, then deep down you are still that person/label, just in latent form. It's your purpose. It just has to be begun to come out.

I know, I've heard this all before and refuted that I didn't have a passion, even though I know deep down I love to write. I said that I couldn't write because I have no ideas. So, that's why I'm going back to college. Somewhere inside you know what really interests you. If you need professional training to bring out the talent or ability, then get it. Just start. It doesn't really matter if we're ever able to make a full-time career out of it (though that would be ideal). What matters is that we do it at all.

We define ourselves by labels all the time, usually others' labels. So, try on some new labels. See how they feel. Tell yourself, "I am a ___." The one that makes you smile is your passion.

Also, your bipolar is not who you are. It is an illness. Do you say, "I AM the flu?" Of course not. You HAVE the flu, and you HAVE bipolar disorder. By searching for your passion and surrounding yourself with people who share your interests, your relationships will get easier because there will be a kinship, rather that mere competition for the achievement. You will be able to enjoy the process together. Don't be too worried about the friends you've lost. People grow and change, and it's not always any one person's fault. Just tell yourself that you are starting your life again on "reset," and be open to meeting new people who will help you to illuminate the path.

Nice post Starry, although, and not too sound like I am taking issue, if I had the flu 24/7 I would consider it a part of who I am just as my height and weight is a part of who I am. It would clearly have an impact on what I do and how I am doing.

But your point is very valid nevertheless. In the end it does not define you.

Your other points were also very good. Along those lines I think it is also imperative that you do not allow society or outside influence to tell you what success is or what meandering through life is.

Ironically there have been many late bloomers who did not have mental disorders and they were happy and became "successful".

Rodney Dangerfield didn't get rolling in comedy until he was in his 40's! Al Jarreau released his first LP at the age 38! Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote her first Little House book when she was 65. Colonel Sanders didn't franchise KFC until he was 65! Robert Duvall floundered as an actor until his role in The Godfather at age 40.

And these are people motivated to achieve in ways most of us do not envision. You clearly do not need to be this financially or well known to be happy and successful in your own way.

I mean I am as big of loser as there is and even I in my 46 years have done some things that were personally gratifying. Not including things like the birth of my children and helping them grow despite my deficiencies. And that alone would have been enough for me!

from Above You, Below Me by Badly Drawn Boy

This is the kind of philosophical subject that can make for fascinating conversation and yet stay incredibly obtuse. Maybe that's why it's so fascinating.

We're born with zero concept of who we are in relation to our environment. That leads to the premise that our self-worth develops through external subjective influences. Add to that the neurological skewing caused by mental disorders and it's no wonder we question who we are.

It seems to me that many times I worry over a characteristic that a mentally stable person would not. Say, for instance, being the person you want me to be at that moment. Yet, this is one of the ways society survives and people get along. I might sit on the patio with my family drinking beer, singing bawdy songs and making rude jokes but I wouldn't stand in line at the grocery store and behave the same way.

There are circumstances in life that I can't change. I can't make myself not be bipolar anymore than I can make myself not be 52 years old. I hope someday to be able to look in the mirror and say, "I am everything that you see, and I am everything that you don't see." And be okay with that.

Accepting living with this illness, has been extremely difficult for me. I had a seasonal sunglass business for 18 years and my short lived hypo manic phase, allowed me to excel at sales. I then shipped during my depressive phases. After a full blown mania I was medicated for the Bipolar in 1995, my sales ability went out the door. I went on SSDI, in 2002. Since then I have longed to find a passion. I sit here and think of things but that is as far as it gets. I keep thinking my purpose will become obvious to me, but hasn't yet. I spent most of my life being whatever someone else wanted me to be. Husband, father, business owner. The wife and business are gone, and the dynamic's of being a father has changed drastically now my daughters have graduated from college. So my life is now trying to find my purpose, accepting this hideous illness and trying to learn to enjoy life.

tcmoon52 adds an important element and likely the reason that we struggle more with this issue than others.

Most of us have suffered severe and serious set backs often including divorce, loss of opportunity, job dysfunction, and on and on. At the same time it is hard to determine why we did the things we did.

I mean most of us are not comfortable with blaming our illness. I know I'm not. But at the same time I can't imagine that I would ordinarily do some of things I have done.

But the fact is regardless of how much is the illness and how much is just good old human imperfection we are still in the boat we are in. And it usually is not a comfortable boat and the waters are rising fast!

But in the end we have to reestablish what our expectations should be.

And again for me I have broadened the question and feel convinced that the purpose of humanity is far beyond what this world presents. And all of this garbage and nonsense, including the physical frailty will be corrected.

Same boat! Never been able to keep a job. Though I just applied for one

Our makeup makes our self-feedback system seem to give us mixed messages.

One clue can be what we are into when we are "in-between".

Your profile suggests to me a couple of clues - the effect you have as a family man which is a distinct calling and what field of study you have chosen.

In regard to "sheltering" oneself, don't forget that in your case it has a knock-on nurturing benefit to your family. Also it is an excellent adaptation in our case to try to avoid overambitions triggering any kind of spell.

Inner life and home life are worthwhile in infinite ways.

One can have ambitions that one hadn't thought of as ambitions because one thought they wouldn't look big to others.

I've remained single and am in middle age and was in a line of work for a while, well now I'm wondering what life holds next!

Plus depending on what type of bi-polar or other mental disorder you may suffer from that can also influence you.

For example I was on a 7 year manic cycle from 1985 to 1992 and I did the work of about 5 people and felt like I could do anything! It was the most consistently successful I was at my music also!

But at the same time I did some serious damage to myself going 2 to 3 days a week without sleeping .........

@moose - I find that if you manage the workload and be realistic about how much you work you may find you can hold on to your job - Good Luck!