[Amazonmom]

I have been waiting my whole adult life for things to get better. They don't. I fight so hard to get where people love and care for me...only for them to use me and dump me the first chance they get. I have no real friends who want me.

My life is a hopeless mess of bills. It doesn't matter what I do it never gets better. I finally get ahead and my husband's salary gets cut AGAIN. I always wanted two kids but with the last cuts there is no way for me to ever afford it. I am 35 and don't have that much time left!

I probably shouldn't have more kids anyway. I don't know how to find things like playgroups and the such. My little girl is 2 years old today and I am sitting here sobbing that I can't teach her how to have a happy life full of friends. She is the sweetest most outgoing baby and I fake it so that she doesn't know mama is a loser. I would do anything to keep her from having the life I have had. I love taking her out to play and spoiling her rotten. She is a good kid and never acts very bratty. She is well adjusted so far according to pediatrician, etc.

Bipolar stole any hope I had of a successful education and career. I always thought that at least I would have success to amend the abyss of loneliness my life is...but I have nothing. There is just pain. It doesn't help that the hospital I work for is an inconsistent mess. I want a new job but there is nothing available on day shift in the entire area. My bipolar gets out of control working nights.

I wish I had never had any hope. It's easier when you don't know hope. Why did people ever say it could be better?

[wing]

I could have written 90% of what you said, amazon. It's difficult for me to focus on the good things, but to live with this illness I have to work hard at seeing the positives in life. It will get better...you have a beautiful little girl, a stable marriage and a job. It seems to me that you are living a successful life. I hope your blue mood lifts soon.

[Amazonmom]

Thank you wingin'. I ended up off meds due to food poisoning a few weeks ago and never went back on because the side effects are so bad. I do have an appt with a new meds person on the 19th.

I hope I get cancelled from work tomorrow so i can take Lunesta and sleep the day away,but I need to clean so if I get cancelled I will clean the house instead.

[wing]

Sounds like a good plan! Don't forget to take time out to play with your daughter!

[kitty004567]

I agree with wingin'it you've got a gorgeous daughter who you love and who loves you. You've got a husband who loves you. I'm sorry you're down but I'm glad you have someone who loves you unconditionally and brings such joy to your life.

[Ryask]

I'm so sorry that your going through this, it's so difficult sometimes to just get by when things are not going as they should. I want to commend you however, your trying your best for your family, for your daughter, what a wonderful person you must be to put on a "happy" show so that your daughter can have a good life full of joy. I'm glad to hear your going to be seeing someone about your medications, and i hope it can give you some relief, please hang in there...if the medications side effects are too unbearable, ask for something else, let your needs be know, there are other medications, other does, other combination, no one should have to suffer, and i want to give you a bit of hope....happiness is out there, sometimes we need therapy, medications and a loving family to find it, but it is there, and it is waiting...for you, and i hope you find it sooner rather then later. Your in my prayers.

Tina

[BNLsMOM]

I often bring up worrying about my kids and that I think my illness will hurt them in some irreversible way when I am in therapy. My T has told me over and over that I am a good mother and that my kids are wonderful, independent, caring, compassionate and sweet young boys. It has taken me a long time to understand that my illness is just a regular part of their life and that they are resilliant. My T keeps reminding me. I think he says it every session and I am starting to believe it. Believing it gives me a sense of purpose and although my life doesn't change in any significant way, my outlook and perspective does. So let yourself know every day that you are a great success as a wife and a mother and look at your family as proof. It doesn't change life, but it could change the way you see life.

[Amazonmom]

I see my T on tuesday and she can prescribe but she isnt a bipolar expert and my new meds person is. My sleep is all messed up, i'm depressed with a side order of hypomania I think.

I feel like a huge freak exceeding the expertise of someone who is so highly respected in the mental health community (my T is well known in the field). My one friend I talk to the most is also bipolar and sees this meds person herself for therapy and meds. She says I should give new person a try because the person is so nice and talented. I get to keep my T, and now the meds stuff can be removed from T so it won't interfere.

The day care lady just told me that since my baby is now 2, I can pay 100 dollars less a month for day care. That extra can help pay off the loan for the air conditioning in my house...in 5 months it will be paid off with the extra money. I can look for cheaper car insurance to help save money. I don't want to because I have been a GEICO customer for over 10 years but my rates are very high compared to some other companies. Maybe once a week I can try one thing to help save money. If I get certified in my specialty at work I can make another 1.25 an hour.

I want to join a church but my hubby really doesn't want to. I think it would help my social skills but am afraid to do this alone.

Ah I am so overwhelmed with things I NEED to do. Thanks for reading my rant.

[sugahorse1]

(((Amazon))) we all go through hard an difficult times. I hope you are able to make some headway when you see your T.
You know this is just an episode and a short time period, which will pass.
Having stopped meds suddenly will also not have helped much.

I also sometimes wish I could join a church, by it's definitely not something my partner would do, and I'm too 'scared' (Is that the emotion?) to go on my own. I get my fix through daily devotional emails and some friends I mail.

[dayton52]

Hi. Hope you're feeling better. Church has been a big help to my duaghter (15 and bipolar), but we've always been a church-going family. Last night she told me she needed to go to her church youth group meeting because she needed to be with her "church friends." Going to a church the first time can be intimidating, but you will likely find people there who will welcome you. If your impulses pull you that way, you might want to take that step. Again, God bless you--hope you're feeling better.

[Amazonmom]

I am scared to tell my T how bad I feel. I got cancelled from work today so now I can just sit in bed and cry like I want to. But I need to take baby to day care lady and do chores. Not doing things means I pay for it later.

[sugahorse1]

Just try do little things. Every little piece is still a piece of the bigger puzzle ((Amazon))

[LittleDora]

Originally Posted by Amazonmom

I wish I had never had any hope. It's easier when you don't know hope. Why did people ever say it could be better?

Ahah, just listen to yourself. I've never had a mum, at least not a blood related one, or even a supporting one, so trust me, you're doing a great job.Play groups and similar things aren't needed for a childs happyness.What she needs from you is to be there for her as she grows up, and support her no matter what problem crosses your path.

Playgrounds and similar don't have to be places where you have to take her.For example, take her out to town for a few hours.I remember my grandmother taking me all around town when I was little.Wether it was a park I went with her, a church, or simply a short walk, she had the tendancy of talking to me about important things that once happened there.

For example, if there was a statue of an important person, she would explain to me what they did, how much happyness and good things came from it, but also the bad ones.It's a good way to keep your child entertained but also to educate it a little as it grows, because with time it will sink into her memory.Plus a little treat (chocolate, lolipops or similar) every now and then, always helps to lighten the mood.

As for your financial problems and similar, I can't say I know much about it.But you have to have hope.Things could always be worse, keep that in mind, and be thankful that they aren't.And if there's a way to mess something up, there's surely a way to improve it as well.Have patience and try avoiding stressful situations.

Music is often good for relaxing, so is reading a book, or generaly doing anything to take your mind off the problem.Something you enjoy of course.

I hope everything will turn out better for you, and your family.Best of wishes and remember to stay positive.I'm aware it may be more then hard for you to do, but try appreciating the little things around you.Even a sunny day is a great event, if nothing else, it will mean you have a chance to take your daughter outside, and let her have some fresh air.

[LaraLynn]

Oh sweetie, you are a wonderful mother to a vibrant beautiful baby girl. She gets interaction with other children at the daycare she doesn't nee you to take to on playdates. - those are more for mommies then children - trust me. I have been on the other side with a Church, a Mommies group and daily outings. It was horrible. I had to get up get dressed with hair done and make-up on. Kids all dressed up. Money to spend where-ever the event of the day was and lunch money or lunch packed. And then there was the the conversations - what does your husband do? What charity are you involved in? My friends makes these bows and tutus. REALLY? Do I look like I care about this CRAP??? I did it for my kids - because I thought they needed it - I thought staying home all day with me would be horrible. BUT then they told me they HATED the snotty kids I was dragging them around with every day and we stopped. Ahhhhhhh!

*This is NOT to say that every group is the same just this particular group and my experience.

I do currently attend Church. My children like to attend church. It is currently the only time my almost 3 year old gets to interact with other children her age. She does really well in her class. She was in daycare until September 2010 when I went on med leave.

[BlackPup]

I don't have a kid, but I do have a 3 year old niece. She is in preschool 3 days a week and at home with my mum or my sister the rest. By the time its a stay at home day, she can't wait to be at home "doing work in the office" (=scribbling on paper in my sister's or my dad's office) or craft (drawing circles and trying unsuccesfuly to cut them out, or sticking random things together with glue) or just playing with her toys. Play dates are for the mothers like laralynn said. So if you like the people or want to get out more than thats ok but don't feel that you are a bad mum if you don't...

I've been to 2 churches since I was diagnosed and have loved them both, only moved cos we moved to a different city. Without the support I got from those amazing people I don't know how I would have got through this. Hope you can find a church with supportive friends like I did... it is really daunting at first (we only recently moved so I remember it well)....

[lonegael]

Amazon mom, hon, it sounds like you're feeling the disease. Don't let it get you down, dear. You have been doing an amazing job and I have always admired you. I think we all feel worried about our kids, how our problems will affect them, when we rant or lash out, how we might hurt them, when they get older, how will they react to us. I think that's normal and to an extent, that's good. It shows you care and you will make sure you take care of yourself to take care of her. That's important. You are a good mom. You were from before the start. Remember that.

Don't let your hubby and his reactions keep you away from what you need. If you feel you want to go to church, do it, even if it's kind of scary at first. If it's something else you want, go for it. I let my self get too shut up here in Sweden waiting for my hubby to help me get more integrated, and it was not a good idea. I just got more afraid and dysfunctional and dependent on him. Being dependent on him wasn't fair to either of us. It made me weak and overtaxed him.
Good luck wonderful mom! HUGGGGGS, and know that this will start to get better when you settle into a better med pattern and your hubby gets back on his feet work wise.

[laur88]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, Amazonmom! It's the disease that makes you lose perspective and unable to see the positive things in life. It's a horrible feeling that I'm sure all of us can relate to. Like the others above me said: you are an amazing mom with a beautiful daughter and a loving husband. Don't forget that!

Something that helps me when I lose perspective is to spend 15 minutes listing all the things that I'm thankful for (yes, cheesy. But really does help me.). I force myself to fill those 15 minutes so that I have to wrack my brain for even the smallest things I am thankful for. More often than not, I feel a lot better after doing that and realize how lucky I truly am, despite some of the things I struggle with.

Hope you feel better soon! You will get through this. Good luck with your T - tell him/her everything so that he/she can help you.

[malapp1]

Originally Posted by Amazonmom

I have been waiting my whole adult life for things to get better. They don't. I fight so hard to get where people love and care for me...only for them to use me and dump me the first chance they get. I have no real friends who want me.

My life is a hopeless mess of bills. It doesn't matter what I do it never gets better. I finally get ahead and my husband's salary gets cut AGAIN. I always wanted two kids but with the last cuts there is no way for me to ever afford it. I am 35 and don't have that much time left!

I probably shouldn't have more kids anyway. I don't know how to find things like playgroups and the such. My little girl is 2 years old today and I am sitting here sobbing that I can't teach her how to have a happy life full of friends. She is the sweetest most outgoing baby and I fake it so that she doesn't know mama is a loser. I would do anything to keep her from having the life I have had. I love taking her out to play and spoiling her rotten. She is a good kid and never acts very bratty. She is well adjusted so far according to pediatrician, etc.

Bipolar stole any hope I had of a successful education and career. I always thought that at least I would have success to amend the abyss of loneliness my life is...but I have nothing. There is just pain. It doesn't help that the hospital I work for is an inconsistent mess. I want a new job but there is nothing available on day shift in the entire area. My bipolar gets out of control working nights.

I wish I had never had any hope. It's easier when you don't know hope. Why did people ever say it could be better?

I wish I had words to ease your pain. I wish there was a cure that would give you life. All I can say is that I am proud of you for staying in the fight!

[Amazonmom]

Well I think with getting back up to my full dose of lithium I at least can deal with the depression instead of crying all the time. I just feel like such a loser because I know that I am an official crazy person who can't go without lithium for even 2 weeks without being nuts.

Thanks for all the support about parenting. I needed it. I think my job reinforces my bad thoughts about my parenting choices. In seattle you aren't a good mom unless you refuse all c sections and breastfeed no matter what happens to you. Who cares if you child would have probably died in labor and your mental health is so bad you are about to commit suicide so you decide to formula feed and take lithium. I refuse to push breastfeeding so hard that the suffering moms feel even worse about themselves.

I can't say enough about the support all of you have given me. Thanks.