Recently Diagnosed as BP II... think i may be BPD too?

I need some opinions.

My Therapist, PDoc and I have all worked hard these last few months tracking my moods, and swings. i just spent 5 days in he hospital for severe suicide ideation. (I held a knife over my wrist, and the only reason I couldn't do it was because i couldn't make someone else clean up my blood. not a good reason. i'm scared of my next major depressive episode even on lithium.)

But... i feel like my personality is a major player here. and how i seem to just try and adapt my personality to treat other people's personalities. like if they like to run, i start to run. they don't eat meat, i now suddenly don't eat meat. i shape and form my own personality to suit theirs so they like me more, or want to spend more time with me. i lie to my self to lie to others, because i don't have any sub-personality, in my opinion, when i am by my self. i have a few likes; like music and tv shows... but again, i only seem to like things because other people in my life that i spend time with (aka, friends/ room mates) like those things too, and did originally. i feel like i am a big copy cat.

maybe it's my chronic feelings of emptiness from the depressive and mixed episodes, and the delusional thinking that comes with BP. But i feel like i am a shell of a person, like all the time. i should tell this to my pdoc....

i seemed to have learned a lot about my "illness", but i have so much more to learn.

I don't have any great opinion for you. It seems like you're taking all the right steps: seeing a T, and a Pdoc, hospitalizing yourself for suicidal ideation. I know it's hard but just keep trying. Perhaps you're not on the right medication or medication combination? If you're still that depressed and taking a mood stabilizer than it sounds like you need a medication adjustment. I just wanted to make sure you knew someone's "listening."

CesarioRose I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. Depression can make me feel like I don't know myself anymore as well. I'm assuming from your post your were diagnosed 3 months ago? If this is correct it does take time to learn how to manage this illness and part of that is finding a med combo that works for you. If you haven't already I would suggest educating yourself on the illness. The book in my signature is excellent. I would suggest being completely honest with your pdoc and t and I hope you're feeling better soon.

Thanks for the thoughts, guys. My T gave me a book suggestion, the bipolar handbook, and i bought it on amazon; should be here in time for our bi-weekly session, i also ordered "an unquiet mind" to read.

do BPII people have depression more often then hypomania? i mean, the one thing i love about hypomania is the euphoria; although the rest of it is some intense stuff for sure. at least for me. it's the cycles that drive me insane to be honest. one week i'm high, the next i'm down for months it seems. even though my best friend told me she was diagnosed when she was a teen with the same thing, but rather mum about how she feels; she does have someone elese in her life though.

I'm sure yall can relate to having "normal" moods, and loving every second of it knowing it won't last. i hate rapid cycle bp.

i just started on lithum 900mg/daily (1 300mg mornings, 2 300mg night) last week, so i guess "it's too soon" to see benefit. so i am not sure if i want to go off now in the beginning. but i don't see much of a diff right now as when i was off meds.

the pdoc had me try ability, xyprexa, and seroquel in the span of about 4 weeks, and they were all wrong for me. the ability was making me feel like ****, and the xyprexa gave me 20lbs in 1 week to live with, and the seroquel was just... not working; making me suicidally depressed. i did make the right desision to hospitalise my self... it's not that.

it's that people just don't seem to ever understand me, or can relate in any way. the highs and lows, and mixed are driving my life, and i just want to live my life, and find the things that find me joy instead of feeling like i see no point in ever finding joy in the world.

According to experts, BP2 hav mor and maybe deeper depressions than BP2. Only a fer percent og the time is hypomania.
Staring on mood stabilizer, Lamictal, I realized that much of my life between episodes I had been irritable and felt emotionally vulnerable. What a relief to be without.

It is difficult to know what is normal when we are psick.

maybe i'm just another one of those "angry psick bi polar people." or something like that.

but i know what happiness is; i know what joy feels like. i want to feel them more frequently... i want someone to share in all of this.

but i'm just so utterly sick of feeling every single emotion in the book besides happiness and joy in a lasting fashion. don't worry... i have not started to think of that again.... but i am pretty sure i am spiraling down the rabbit hole again.

yes life is unfair, but it seems to be particularly unfair to me. throwing me skeletal deformities limiting the use of my left arm. giving me tonic clonic seizures as a child. anger issues in middle school (I would just flip out, i have been told, and hit and kick and bite people. for no reason besides perceived rejection.) so i never made friends until high school, and every single one of those have thus far walked out on me, and i dont even know why or what i did wrong.

ever wonder why someone doesn't want to be your friend? is it because i was cold, or didn't have the same interests, or i was emotional, or afraid to open up for fear of rejection on my end... what was it? and why cant i make them now? why do i only seem to make connections with "couples" who are engaged and in love with one and another, and leave me to my lone-self to brood and hate this life i've been dealt because the deck was stacked against me.

this world hates me. i hate me. everyone hates me.

I'M SICK OF IT ALL!!!

A person with BPII will experience major depression more often than hypomania. Part of the reason your mood may be so labile is from your post it doesn't sound like you were on a med for any length of time. It does take time for meds to get to a therapeutic level and then it takes time to see if a med is going to work for the person. It's very frustrating, but unfortunately many of us have had to go through the trial and error process.

For me it took time for me to discover what a stable mood was. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 31, but had lived with symptoms since I was 8. I assumed everyone was highly driven (this was hypomania for me) and then would burn out (major depression for me) and the cycle continually repeated itself. I have been diagnosed since 2007 and I feel much more at peace with myself. The meds won't take away all the symptoms, but my highs aren't as high and my lows aren't as dangerous.

Unquiet Mind was okay, but I found it depressing and I couldn't relate to her experiences with the illness. If you're looking for a biography type I preferred The Up and Down Life by Paul Jones. He was a stand-up comic, so it's not a doom and gloom look at bipolar.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

thanks, mate. it's i guess one thing about being BP is that you kinda know you're gonna swing again sometime, and when you do, you an hope it's a little high.

it's just utterly frustrating.

It is frustrating... just remember you can always vent here and kudos to you for looking at the up side: things will eventually get better, it's the nature of the illness.

I didn't like "Unquiet Mind" either...Kay Jamison has a support system few of us do, and it made me feel even more lonely and useless to read about how great she adjusted to BP.

you say she had a support structure few of us had... what do you mean? Therapist, PDoc, maybe some Family? She one of those lucky jerks who had lots of friends and other bull-crap?

I mean all i have is my Therapist who knows me best, and my PDoc, which may change to one i can afford/on my insurance, and my sister who i talk to this stuff about. i guess those are good things.

i guess another positive is that i journal a lot, and often; which i share w/ Therapist. (T checks my on line journal before we meet, and every so often between sessions.)

it doesn't alleviate how i feel though; it doesn't make the depression better, and it doesn't stop the intrusive thoughts about how people talk about me behind my back, and say bad things about me, etc.

Hello,

I thought "An Unquiet Mind" was brilliant, however it is definitely not a therapeutic read for all of us. I emphatically concur that we all do not have the author's support system. Wouldn't it be nice if we did?

Thank you everyone for the alternate reading suggestions.

(I hope I did not offend with the use of the pronoun we.)

Best,
radiantchild

Not only did she have friends and family who stuck by her, she kept her high powered career and makes a living as an expert about BP...
CBT helps with that negative thinking, CR...a book about that IS worth reading. Try "Feeling Good" by Dr David Jones. It helps me a lot.

Wow it sounds like your T is awesome A shared online journal, what a great idea! Then your T knows how things have been going and sometimes it's way easier to type how we're feeling than say it out loud.

Yea... i mean, everything about my personal life points toward me being happy for happy sake... but like i said. These chronic feelings of loneliness, and emptyness, and chronic dark deep depression that is the nature of our beast always gets me in the end. every time. i have a great job, and career, a college degree, half my school debt is paid for by now because of the hypomania that i had coming out of college and a few times in college.

but... it all seems to come falling down when i'm depressed. the nature of it all.

I also suffer from chronic feelings of loneliness, and it's this that is causing my T to possibly add the diagnosis of Borderline to my BPII.

I am BPII, and definitely suffer from depression more than hypomania. But by adding an anti-depressant to my meds, I've managed to stay away from major depression for a few weeks now (Long may it continue)

'An Unquiet Mind' seemed to focus more on the mania, which I could not relate to at all.
I also have the Bipolar Workbook at home, but have not worked on it much. I have a book on depression and bipolar, which I find very useful though.

Thanks, sugahorse. i go see my pdoc tomorrow... so i'll talk to him about adding an anti-depressent augment to my meds. i need all my strength for my move in two weeks... :/


i got back to work today... overwhelming to the max. and no one noticed i dyed my hair blue!!!!!

Thank you so very much for saying this, wingin'it! Though there were parts that much resonated, they were few and far between. Overwhelmingly, the book made me feel exactly like you said..."even more lonely and useless to read about how great she adjusted to BP". She just so offhandedly writes about so much that I could only dream of.

Here's the other thing. Frankly, I don't think she really (I mean really) understands or appreciates how flipping damn good she has it in those respects and just how damn rare those things are for most of the rest of us. And it's soooo often recommended reading. Someone w/o BP might well read it and think they "understand". Well, they'd know jack**** about how it's been for me, that's for sure...

Awww, Cesario! I'd notice you dying your hair blue! I think that's cool.

The Bipolar Handbook by Wes Burgess is a great, great book. I hope it's arrived and you're finding the time to read it. A great how to guide to bp life.