[helley]

Hi to anyone who takes the time to read this.

I just need to talk. It's been nearly a year since I have been on this site but I always keep track of posts etc.

Until just recently I was happily working in a job I adored, had risen to the top rank of my profession and was finally got onto a medication regime that suited me (it took about 3 years!!)

Within one week (just before Christmas) I was retrenched without the correct entitlements (which I'm fighting for), my husband announced he thought he was bi or gay and I didn't have a cent for Christmas.

Now I'm facing going to court to try to resolve the issue about my entitlements and I'm trying to get a job - with numerous applications for jobs only to be told I'm over qualified! I can't seem to get a break.

I have accepted my husband's preference, although I'm sad because we've been married for a long time. We are still friends but purely pluotonic now, living together for the sake of family and friends to avoid losing them.

I certainly don't have anything against bi or gay males and now I have taken a lover because I was so, so lonely and felt so worthless that no one wanted me - not my employer or my husband. My husband knows about this and supports my decision as I respect his choice.

Now my guy has had to go away and I haven't heard from him for over a week which is very unusual - he usually texts three to four times a day. I'm so worried that he will not want me anymore when he returns and I'm worried about how he is coping (as he had received terrible news). I check my phone and emails every day but nothing.

I'm feeling so down and despondent - I can't get a job and I've gone from the elation of having someone who loves me and makes me feel desirable and wanted to not knowing if he'll want me when he is back.

And now I wonder if I should send him a email or just wait?

What should I do and how do I cope with all that has been happening?

[reader71]

Hi Helley:

I'm sorry you are going through so much right now. Are you seeing a therapist? I have found that in difficult times it's really helped me to talk to someone and gain a fresh perspective. Keep looking for a job--you will find the one that is right for you. I understand about your husband--I was in a similar situation and we ended up getting divorced but are still friends. It's so difficult when you love someone and feel like they no longer want you. If you feel like contacting your boyfriend, you should--leave him a message telling him that you are concerned about him and that you just want to know he's okay.

I know it all seems overwhelming right now but things will get better. Keep posting here and try to get outside every day for a walk. I have to force myself to do this a lot of times, but I always feel better afterward. I hope you feel better soon.

Much love,

Reader

[ladyjrnlist]

Sorry to hear that so much happened at once. That seems to be the way things go. Hang in there and we are here for you.

Awww Helley you are going through so much right now. the loss of a job is a huge life event, coupled with the loss of your marriage - another huge life event. You need to take the time and mourn both of these things...but like Reader said, hopefully you have someone to talk to....it's hard to keep all of this bottled up inside.

I know i would email or contact the lover to see what was going on. do it once and see if you get a response. if he did just receive terrible news he may just not have time to text you right now.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[Ryask]

Well fist things first good for you for describing the problem so well, You seem to have broken them down into 3 separate issues and that's a good start.

Job - It's important to not use overgeneralizing statements like "I'll never get a job" because in reality, that's not really true, you will but it may take some time. You can counteract those by just modifying what your saying "It sure is taking a while for me to get a job, but i know there is something out there i just have to be patient". Thinking positively and challenging your negative staements will help Alot with being able to cope.

Marriage - Here is another area where you say something along the lines of "Even he doesn't want me". I would encourage you to not internalize this aspect. He can no more control wether he is gay or straight then you can control your eye color. If you believe that too, then you know it has absolutely nothing to do with you, or him not wanting or loving you. In order to cope i would recommend making that distinction between your feelings vs the truth of the situation.

Lover - If he's dealing with something in his life right now you can try to be supportive instead of internalizing the situation. He may need your support, i would definitely send a an e-mail...but one of support (i hope your ok, i miss you) and that might end up making you feel better. Try not to take his actions as a sign that he "doesn't want you"...realistically his crisis has nothing to do with his feelings for you, so don't take those negative thoughts, write them down..and challenge them...replace them with more realistic thoughts...and that will lead to coping.

Just a final note, the world beats us down enough we certainly don't need it to be coming from ourselves as well.

[Michah]

Helley,

First of all, you are NOT alone

With all our combined support and your super resilient character, you WILL find your way through this dangerous terrain........but.......it will take time.

I shall take a leap here. This has little to do with bipolar disorder(you have that fairly managed biochemically it seems), and more to do with GRIEF. Grief is a wholly natural response to everything you have endured. I am not saying that prolonged grief will not upset the applecart to do with the symptoms of bipolar. It will. Prolonged and unresolved grief will affect the chemistry in your brain which will make it much harder for the meds to do their work. But, there are things that you can do to work through the deep and agonising sense of loss.

Are you still seeing a therapist or someone who monitors your meds? If not, that could be your first port of call. Someone to talk to that can help you make sense of the intense emotions and help untangle some of the "why?". You have had massive life-changing situations occur in a VERY short space of times. The fact that you can even speak of it and reach out to talk to us is a true testament to how much of a handle you have on things, even if it feels like it is spinning out of control. As horrible as this all is, you are AWARE and that is the most fundamentally important tool in resolving grief. Not only resolving it, but coming through it stronger, having more peace and forgiveness and so on.

A job is uber important, but the situation with your husband seems to be the most important at the moment. Whatever feelings you have which may sway from ambivalent to betrayed, will need to be resolved first. Then, like a domino effect, it will improve your relationships with others and the right job will come along. We ALWAYS get what we need. It just may not happen when we think it should or come in a package we expect. I do not wish to downplay the frustration or the sadness, for it can be overwhelming at times, but like with most things, healing can be very painful. It will get worse before it gets better.

But in the worse times, we are here, and in the celebratory times, we are here. Keep talking and take care of your very precious self FIRST.

“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” Taoist Proverb - Lao Tzu

Here is the biggest hug I can find and a soft pillow to lay your head for a time of rest and self-safety........

You are loved.

Michah

[madisgram]

helley did this new relationship start when you were still vulnerable with all the major changes in your life happening too? if it were me, i'd try to focus on the job replacement which could take the focus off the bf situation and you'd be productive too. i was overqualified in a new job search so i toned down my resume somewhat..it got my foot in the door and at the appropriate time during the interview process i tooted my own horn, modestly of course. landed a job that met my qualifications as a result and obtained an increase in salary too.
as for the bf, perhaps his trip brought more devastating news and he's dealing with that right now, idk. i'd only send one (more?) text or email just saying i hope things were going well and since i didn't know the circumstances i wouldn't communicate anymore and leave it to him to contact me. if you hear from him, great! if you don't hear from him, you have your "answer" re him. that's what i term, "next!!!"
just me but you need time to just deal with your life changes, sounds like you are doing well with that right now, and not take the focus off you. if you take care of the little things, life has a way of taking care of the rest.

[helley]

To everyone who has replied to my thread

You have all given me some interesting thoughts and very helpful suggestions on what I should do and I've sat here reading them all intensly and going thru them a couple of time to absorb them.

The first thing I will do is email my bf (Valentines Day today how appropriate) and tell him I am concerned about him and ask him how is coping and let him know that he is not alone. Thanks Jademoonbeam and everyone else who suggested that.

Second thing I'm going to do is concentrate on me feeling better about me and not thinking this is all my fault (and feeling I'm not worthy for anything) and get rid of these negative vibes. Perhaps that might allow the right job to come forward for me.

Third thing is acceptance. Please don't get me wrong about my situation with my husband - I know he can't help the way he is and I'm not angry or bitter about it. I just need to accept that this is way it is going to b from now on. Thank you Risak.

However it was Michah's reply that really hit the nail on the head when he/she said I need to grieve for my loss of job and my marriage. Until I had read this I didn't realise that this was what was going on inside me. Thank you Michah.

If I've forgotten anyone I apologise but I sincerley wish to say a huge thank you to you all for replying to my dilemna. I will keep you updated and hopefully have some happier news soon.

It's so nice to know I have some support out there in cyber space. I know this really isn't about my bipolar although I did think that my moods (very low) were part of it but now I realise I'm actually going thru huge life events and that's really what's impacting on me.

I really thank you all heaps from the bottom of my heart for replying.
Bye for now. I'll keep you posted.

[helley]

Hi everyone

Just to let you all know that I took the plunge and texted my bf and he replied to explain what was happening and ended it with "xx" which is hopeful. I'll leave him be for a little while and then text again to see if he will be home and we can catch up.
In the meantime on the job front I got notified today I missed out on a job (which I had two interviews for) which was disappointing. However I do have an interview tomorrow for a Medical Secretary and I'm really keeping my fingers crossed. God knows I've been trying hard enough!
Thanks again to everyone who has taken an interest in what is going on in my life - I really appreciate your support.
I'll let you know what happens next.
Much love to you all

[mgran]

Helley, I'm really impressed with how you're coping with the triple whammy that's hit you. I don't think I could manage it without flipping out. I'm constantly nervous of the possibility of relapse but you've inspired me to think that maybe I'll just keep getting stronger. You're a good example to us all here, and I just wanted you to know that I'm very proud of how you're handling things.
My ex is also bisexual, I know it's a difficult thing to find out. Hang on in there, and let us know how things go.

[laur88]

Thanks for the updates, Helley. You're handling your stressful situation remarkably well! Things will work out; they always do. Hugs to you!

[helley]

Thanks Mgran
I am overwhelmed and glad that I have actually inspired someone!
Frankly I didn't think I would get through this, and I'm still not quite there yet but strangely enough I seem to be coping better than I thought I would. And it was so encouraging to hear from my bf who is overseas at the moment as I miss him dreadfully...at least he hasn't forgotten me.
As for the situation about my husband its surprising how many people out there are replying to me to say the same thing has happened to them - so it's nice to know I'm not alone there as well.
I'm going for another job interview today so fingers crossed I might get this one!
Don't worry about having a relapse, sometimes we all do and if we do we need to reach out to our support team - whether it's friends and/or close relies, whoever. They will support you if you let them know you're not travelling well. But somehow I get the feeling you are stronger than you think so just go with the flow and see what each day brings you.
I know I certainly am at the moment!
Bye for now

[reader71]

Glad you're feeling better! Hang in there, girl!