[BNLsMOM]

I am not sure if this belongs here or not, but if it breaks the rules I am sorry and won't be angry if it gets deleted.

I feel like I have to come clean and I don't know how to tell my therapist this.

Whenever I have a session with him and we talk about an episode, I tell him that I want to get better, that I want this bad stuff to stop happening. Well, last time I hinted that I wanted to use a bunch of pills to just stop time for myself for a while, not to kill myself, but to see what happens on the other side of the OD. I don't think I was clear with him about it though.

I will try to eplain here. This may get long so feel free to drop out of reading it at this point.

Ever since i was a ki i have wanted to be sick in some way. I wanted something serious that wouldn't kill me, but would come close, something that would put me in a coma, or in the hospital for a long time. When I was in middle school, I would read books about people who barely survived cancer, or anorexia or some other serious illness and I wished I could have the experiences they had. They say be careful what you wish for, right?

Fast forward to two years ago. I am a 34, now 36 year old woman with a husband and two kids and I have just been told I have bipolar. That the world I created for myself as a kid just happened. I have a serious disorder. Am I happy? No. Do I want it? No.

Do I want to get better? I don't know.

I put myself to sleep at night sometimes pretending that I ODed on Seroquel or something else we have in the house. I calm myslef down to sleep by pretending that I am in the hospital and someone will be doing checks in a few minutes. I imagine how much harm I could do to myself in the 15 minutes between checks. I imagine what would happen if they had to put me in restraints.

Then I go to therapy every week and say that I want to get better. I feel threatened when I am having a good week or day although I post all over the internet that I am doing well and I am happy about it. Really, I am panicking. I tell everyone in my life that I want to get better, and I do all the things required to get better because I am afraid of ridicule by my family, and treatment team.

I don't think I know what I am really trying to say other than maybe I am a hypochondriac who likes being sick, or maybe I just need the attention.

I am afraid I will be found out that I am a fraud and yet, here I am posting the truth. It's like two people live inside me. the one who knows what I should do to fit in with the world, and the one who says F*** it, just enjoy the attention your sickness can bring you. Then the other one says something like, "Everyone will think you are crazy." So I am keeping the secret that I am crazy, so that no one thinks I am crazy, even though I want to be crazy. (and I use the term sarcastically toward myself not at anyone else here)

Help, if you can... I still don't think I have expressed this properly.

[Moose72]

Nah. Don't worry. I have times that I like to get my episodes of ileitis- a very painful I testinal infection which lands me in the hospital- becaus time stops. I get better. People watch over me.

As for bipolar, it is so consuming sometimes that I can't help but give in. Just a few days ago I had a psychotic episode and thoroughly enjoyed it! Now I want help bu don't want antipsychotics. My pdoc is probably annoyed with me for that. So what do I do?

[Warrioress]

You are definitely not a fraud. It's true that some of your thoughts and the things you like aren't natural, but that's what we mean by a mental disorder, right? You need to find out WHY you like being sick or crazy or whatever you call it, then you can fix the problem.

[BNLsMOM]

I just re-read my post. I am disgusting. How could I wish for misfortune when there are so many people in the world who really do have misfortune.

I am disgusting.

[laur88]

You are not disgusting. You musn't think things like that because it's not true. I've thought about things along those same lines. The other night I impulsively though about falling down the stairs and getting really hurt... horrible thought and I would never follow through but I just think about it sometimes. I would definitely talk to your therapist about it and try to work through it (although I can't say that I will...). The human mind and why we think what we think is so complex...

[BNLsMOM]

Or maybe I am a little suicidal and don't have the guts to say so. I don't want to get in trouble. I keep thinking about how much I want to OD, but I don't want to die.

A cry for help?

[tattoogirl33]

you are NOT disguting!! you, like most of us here, suffer from a disorder that has taken us over!! I know of many MANY times I have done, said, and felt just like you... only out of fear of losing my kids, family, and being so convincing that I am "crazy" that I never get let back out into the "real world". ((((HUGS)))) to you. I know from my own experiences, most of the time I don't WANT to get help (although I do KNOW I NEED help)... I just want to be ME and live this life of constant pain and confusion... but I "pretend" for the dr or else be shunned by my family..

You are NOT disgusting!!!!
you are brave for talking about your feelings.

What you have is an illness.
i think we get so caught up in trying to be normal....whatever that means...You were only recently diagnosed so this is all new for you...take it easy on yourself!

i've been diagnosed with depression since i'm 12, bipolar since my 30s....some of us are just more used to it than others....it doesn't make it easier, we've just done it more often.

Sometimes the thoughts of a few extra pills....a longer sleep, feeling numb to escape the pain....Not a complete OD but just a break from the reality of my daily nightmarish existance would be lovely....and I was thinking i would mention that to My T this week....so you are not alone in the way you think at all.

[kitty004567]

You are not alone in your thinking although it does sound like perhaps it's time to ask for help. Gentle hugs.

[Amura]

This was a brave post, I appreciate your honesty.
I agree a lot with how you described what you are feeling, I often have thoughts similar to that too. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I have felt this way since childhood also, I felt like something was wrong with my body at an early age.
I justify my thoughts now by thinking 'I am sick, but no one can see it! Maybe if I was physically ill or injured people would have more sympathy, patience, understanding for me?'
I don't know if I am ready to take this topic up with my T yet, but I'll keep you posted if I get any answers.

[codeWeasel]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I tell everyone in my life that I want to get better, and I do all the things required to get better because I am afraid of ridicule by my .... treatment team.

Everything else in your post, in my mind, is nothing new. I am not diminishing it in anyway, it is no doubt intense and hard and unpleasent. We all have these kinds of issues to deal with, and given time we do learn how to, to a greater or lessor extent.

The statement highlighted above however concerns me. Ridicule by family is a common enough theme around these parts (sad by true, my father flat refuses to believe that I have a problem), but your trust in your treatment team needs to be absolute. This trust takes time to develop, but never forget, they work for you!

If you have worked with someone for a while and you just don't feel you can trust them, fire them! Of course you need to discuss your concerns with them first, and more likely than not, your fears can be resolved. Simply put, you need to be able to discuss anything in your life that is on your mind. For many years I was caught in the trap of feeling like I couldn't change docs. Once I did, I was sorry I waited so long.

I will chime in with the others. Very brave posting. Thanks for sharing.

[BNLsMOM]

I made it through the night. I still feel really confused, though. Maybe I shouldn't be seeking answers for everything, I don't know. Maybe this is just another episode.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by codeWeasel

Everything else in your post, in my mind, is nothing new. I am not diminishing it in anyway, it is no doubt intense and hard and unpleasent. We all have these kinds of issues to deal with, and given time we do learn how to, to a greater or lessor extent.

The statement highlighted above however concerns me. Ridicule by family is a common enough theme around these parts (sad by true, my father flat refuses to believe that I have a problem), but your trust in your treatment team needs to be absolute. This trust takes time to develop, but never forget, they work for you!

If you have worked with someone for a while and you just don't feel you can trust them, fire them! Of course you need to discuss your concerns with them first, and more likely than not, your fears can be resolved. Simply put, you need to be able to discuss anything in your life that is on your mind. For many years I was caught in the trap of feeling like I couldn't change docs. Once I did, I was sorry I waited so long.

I will chime in with the others. Very brave posting. Thanks for sharing.

I think it is more of a fear of disappointing them or having them question me about the truthfulness of everything. I trust my T with my life as he has been responsible for saving it at least twice. I like my p-doc because she listens to me and lets me help in making decisions, but I have been with her for less than a year, so I am still getting to know her.

I switched from a p-doc who did ridicule me everytime I went for my appointment. I think she was trying to make me sicker and I was starting to get paranoid because of her. When I requested my records and notes so that I could bring them to my new doc, I read them and there were all sorts of things in there that made me sound like a terrible person and a difficult patient. I try so hard to not be difficult and there she was calling me difficult. I don't want my new p-doc to get her impression from these notes and then form the opinion that I am difficult, so I put my best face on. I tell the truth about when I don't feel well, but I don't think I let on how badly I feel.

I have kind of chickened out on calling my T today, though, because I reread the thread and I am just out of my mind. I don't want to deal with that over the phone and I go in to see him tomorrow morning.

[laur88]

Originally Posted by Amura

I justify my thoughts now by thinking 'I am sick, but no one can see it! Maybe if I was physically ill or injured people would have more sympathy, patience, understanding for me?'

That's exactly how I feel!! It's so frustrating because a lot of people trivialize mental health...

Originally Posted by Amura
I justify my thoughts now by thinking 'I am sick, but no one can see it! Maybe if I was physically ill or injured people would have more sympathy, patience, understanding for me?'

Originally Posted by laur88

That's exactly how I feel!! It's so frustrating because a lot of people trivialize mental health...

I feel this way too and i think I get a lot of other health issues....upper respiratory infections and definitely my migraines as a result of my bipolar "acting out" and becoming physical so people will recognize that I'm sick.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by jadedmoonbeam

Originally Posted by Amura
I justify my thoughts now by thinking 'I am sick, but no one can see it! Maybe if I was physically ill or injured people would have more sympathy, patience, understanding for me?'

I feel this way too and i think I get a lot of other health issues....upper respiratory infections and definitely my migraines as a result of my bipolar "acting out" and becoming physical so people will recognize that I'm sick.

I agree! Migraines knock me out - yesterday had one and after was knocked out for 3 hours. Flat-out exhausted in the middle of the day. No one understands that you aren't faking the pain. And nobody understands that bipolar can be quite a lot of suffering. That you feel alone and unloved when psychotic.

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

...Whenever I have a session with him and we talk about an episode, I tell him that I want to get better, that I want this bad stuff to stop happening. Well, last time I hinted that I wanted to use a bunch of pills to just stop time for myself for a while, not to kill myself, .

.... I have a serious disorder. Am I happy? No. Do I want it? No.
Do I want to get better? I don't know...

BNLsMOM. To the first part, yeah, I've done that with my psych. Asked her if she could write an Rx for a club on the head to knock me unconscious. On more than one occasion. It's kind of a joke, but at the same time, it's really not. Not sure she really understood just how very badly I needed a serious time out. (Which is my fault for making it jokish, because... see bottom of post.)

To the latter. Sigh. I often wonder this and feel guilty in the midst of the devoted. For me, getting better is only a short term goal of making things more bearable. Just to get through. I'm not a long term thinker and act accordingly.

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

.. I tell the truth about when I don't feel well, but I don't think I let on how badly I feel.

Me too.

So is your appt. today, BNLsMOM? Please let us know how it goes...

[BNLsMOM]

Of course we didn't solve anything in the hour, but he helped me feel safe and reassurred me that he doesn't judge me and that we can work these things out together.

[BNLsMOM]

I thought I was doing better today until I lost it on my 3 year old. he was pulling a tantrum about taking a nap, and I just screamed at him to get in his bed and stay there till I came get him.

I hate when I get that way.

I have so much going on in my head that I can't seem to find any patience for my family. I am afraid I am going to hurt them by being a jerk all the time.