[CesarioRose]

you know it's going to be an easy, painless day when you wake up in tears, and can barely make it through the morning shower without bawling like a baby. i feel like a diseased monster that no one can stand to be around.

[BNLsMOM]

(((hugs))) I hope you feel better soon.

[PT52]

Aw! That is the worst feeling, I hope you'll realize that everyone here loves you and values you just the way you are - which is NOT a monster!

[CesarioRose]

my terrible, and tormented mind keeps conjuring up images in my head of me and my sister hugging, and images of me having a melt down in public and physically assaulting my co-workers.. i'm a waste and terrible human for even letting my self think of such awful things. i want to go hide underneath my desk to hide from the shame, and humiliation to come.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by CesarioRose

my terrible, and tormented mind keeps conjuring up images in my head of me and my sister hugging, and images of me having a melt down in public and physically assaulting my co-workers.. i'm a waste and terrible human for even letting my self think of such awful things. i want to go hide underneath my desk to hide from the shame, and humiliation to come.

I have had meltdowns in some of the most inconvenient places...one thing I've learned is that it is survivable and that people forgive you more quickly than you forgive yourself. If your urges don't become actions, cut yourself some slack, okay? If the shame and humiliation is in your thoughts, then the forgiveness is, too. No one around you thinks as poorly of yourself as you do right now - and you are a valuable, caring, sensitive human being who's having a rough time right now. Be strong.

[CesarioRose]

that's not true. you're lying. how can i be any those whilst completely alone, and alienated from social society. i am clearly unwanted, and unloved, and uncared about. no one takes the same amount of time, or care, to love as hard as i do, nor do they ever return it. i just want to pull my hair out from all of anger and sadness.

Originally Posted by CesarioRose

that's not true. you're lying. how can i be any those whilst completely alone, and alienated from social society. i am clearly unwanted, and unloved, and uncared about. no one takes the same amount of time, or care, to love as hard as i do, nor do they ever return it. i just want to pull my hair out from all of anger and sadness.

I wish i could hug you right now if it would help. I cry every morning in the shower and on my way to work. I feel alone while sitting in a room full of people, but i do know that these feelings are temporary, and sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is the 2 kitties that are like my children. My heart hurts for you feeling this way and i hope it doesn't last much longer. You are not alone, you are not unloved and you are cared about.

[CesarioRose]

thanks.

yea. i need to talk to my landlord about the pet policy, and put my security deposit down. hopfully it isn't some ungodly amount of money to have a cat again. i had an awesome black one growing up, that's now in the care of my parents, because he's so old. i could use some kitty love right about now...

i ended up coming home from work with my dinner, i ate, and spend the last 3 or 4 hours crying almost nonstop. and now i am at my sister's because i couldn't stand the solitude. i cant stand my self alone. i can barely stand my self in company of family. i'm a complete wreck of a person. broken in every way.

all i want to do is curl up in my bed, and waste away like everyone wants me to, so i can be out of their hair, and forgotten. no one wold miss me.

[embracinglife]

hey, I wish I knew how to cheer you up. I'm a loner too...so I don't know what to tell you. But just know that the people here at PC care about you. You're not a lost cause.

[lastyearisblank]

I know it's hard cesariorose... it almost seems like there is this knot right now, where you want sympathy and acceptance but it feels too hard and painful to allow that. Know that people care! I'll be here if you wanna chat.

[CesarioRose]

thanks. i've gotten a tib better being with my sister. she always seems to know how to bring some of the best of me out. but i still feel so damegd inside, and this temporary calmness will quickly shatter the second i return home to my bed where i am free to cry my eyes to pain.

maybe i'll stop and buy some alcohol on the way home... i know i shouldn't be turning to the bottle to help with the depression. but it's ever so tempting...

How are you today CesarioRose?

[mgran]

Hey Cesario,
how are you today? Did you buy the alcohol? I used to do that when I felt as down as you do, or when I felt desperately afraid and anxious. In the end it made everything worse, my depressions lasted longer, my temper frayed, and I've had to give it up completely because it just puts me into a despairing tale spin.

Do you have a therapist, or any kind of professional help? Have you been prescribed any meds?

(((hug))) It does get better.

[CesarioRose]

I started the day off fine, but it quickly turned into pain and sadness. Crying for two hours straight.

no. i stayed with my sister, and watch a movie with her and her husband. so, i left at 1am, and no one is open that late around here, so. No alcohol. probably for the best.

i'm bored, lonely, and sad. i don't have the energy to do my laundry, or take all my trash to the local dump. :/ i barely have enough energy to shower right now. :/

i do have a therapist. but she's sick, and had to cancel our thursday session. i don't see her again untl tuesday; i see her twice a week.

no meds anymore. i'm in the process of studying my mood swings off meds. it's painful, but it has to be done.

[mgran]

Originally Posted by CesarioRose

I started the day off fine, but it quickly turned into pain and sadness. Crying for two hours straight.

no. i stayed with my sister, and watch a movie with her and her husband. so, i left at 1am, and no one is open that late around here, so. No alcohol. probably for the best.

i'm bored, lonely, and sad. i don't have the energy to do my laundry, or take all my trash to the local dump. :/ i barely have enough energy to shower right now. :/

i do have a therapist. but she's sick, and had to cancel our thursday session. i don't see her again untl tuesday; i see her twice a week.

no meds anymore. i'm in the process of studying my mood swings off meds. it's painful, but it has to be done.

It's hard going med free. I really feel for you. Also, I'm glad that there was nowhere selling alcohol, you're right, it's for the best.

Tuesday seems a long way away, but you'll get there. Personally, I think you're very strong for toughing it out without meds in order to understand the shape of your moods. That takes guts. I hope it won't be for much longer.

Stay safe. (((hug)))

[CesarioRose]

thanks, mgran. ut alas, i am not strong. i am turning to the bottle; i caved man. i am totally drunk, and euphoric, and i cant even feel my fingers any more.

[mgran]

(((hug)))
Don't worry, you've done it once. That doesn't mean it will happen again.
Let us know how you are when you've sobered up. Look after yourself.

[CesarioRose]

i slept until 2pm today; a total of like 14 hours. i couldn't drag my self out of bed for more then 5 minutes at a time unless i was vomiting from the hang over.

i cried for most of the day, and in tears now. i feel so worthless, and empty, and i feel like i dont want to go on in so much pain. but i'm so afraid of my self, and i'm such a coward, i'm not going to act on any impulses.

i'm so utterly afraid. i'm going back to sleep. maybe my dreams will provide me with some comfort...

Lots of Cesario! I'm so sorry you're feeling so crappy lately. It is terrible the things the depression monster tells us when it is taking over rational thought... Sooooo hard to believe that it is lying to you, yet it IS.

I struggle mightily with the social thing, isolation and loneliness too. I know it sounds weird to say, but know that you are not alone in that.

Is your T on board with the no meds thing? I can scarely imagine how hard that is. Once you get the swings figured out, I hope you can come up with something that works well for you.

Since it seems you are a cat person, I hope that you are able to have one in your apartment. If not, a suggestion if I may? Guinea pig. Since they live in an enclosure, it may be something more allowed by your apartment manager. (Of course, it's fun to let them have "floor time" --just keep your electrical cords and munchy plants out of reach -- you can "hide" bit of vegetables around for them to run around and find. They are such gentle creatures. (I'm afraid of hamsters and such.) Many many is the night I've spent with them curled up on an old towel on my lap snuggling and watching dvds...

[CesarioRose]

Yea, she is on board. I have to go pay my rent today, so i was going to ask about the pet policy; i think i can have a cat. So i'm probably going to get one really soon.

i called off work sick today; i couldn't drag my self out of bed, and felt terrible. i think if i had gone in, i'd have been too obviously depressed, they'd ask uncomfortable questions, and make me feel worse.

this is by far one of the worse depressions since x-mas break when i was suicidal last. thanks everyone for your support. this place has been a safe place to talk when i'm not w/ T.

[Kymaro]

Originally Posted by CesarioRose

thanks.
all i want to do is curl up in my bed, and waste away like everyone wants me to, so i can be out of their hair, and forgotten. no one wold miss me.

With pure intensions, move over because I want to curl up right there with you. Maybe we can keep each other company?

[lastyearisblank]

Hey cesario, don't forget the hangover might be affecting your mood. Take care of yourself!

[CesarioRose]

Originally Posted by Kymaro

With pure intensions, move over because I want to curl up right there with you. Maybe we can keep each other company?

indeed. everyone needs company during their downswings.

fyi. i paid my pet deposit; it wasn't much. i'm getting a cat again... i have a scoop of a nice 2yr old black cat.... i had a black cat growing up as a kid; the one pictured in my avatar.

[abience]

That's great CesarioRose, cats are great company.

Originally Posted by CesarioRose

...fyi. i paid my pet deposit; it wasn't much. i'm getting a cat again... i have a scoop of a nice 2yr old black cat.... i had a black cat growing up as a kid; the one pictured in my avatar.

Yea!!!!! Fur-buddies are great! So glad for you!