[Tsunamisurfer]

I saw a new Pdoc yesterday. A very sweet lady, but no pushover! Talk about getting a grilling! 1.5 hours of digging into my visions and auditory experiences, she argues with me that they are, in fact, undeniably, hallucinations (which I deny), that I am not mixed but highly manic, and she wants me on antipsychotics (which I don't) and to spend 2 days in hospital having an EEG and brain scan done to see if there is any epilepsy or tumour that could explain the symptoms. Good point! But how do I feel about all this?

Now, as some of you probably know, I truly relish the idea of being strapped down, covered in electrodes, shoved into machines, poked with needles, drugged into a stupor, and left to die in room where I have no control over the temperature or my urgent need to get to the refrigerator for a snack. So much so, that I am freaking out, back-peddling, fighting the diagnosis, and considering pretending there is nothing going on at all.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Now... (straightens tie) ... that we have that off our chest, we will go back to being a normal, medically compliant, and always very friendly member of this community . Thanks for bearing with me. Just had to share that. My next comment will be to encourage someone else. Promise. Love you all. Group hug:

[Confusedinomicon]

If you take a low enough dose of antipsychotics you won't experience a bad zombie state. Only thing is, you can actually feel it which sucks. For me it is worth it though.

I would be scared. If she tired to do that to me I think I would start crying. I am terrified of going back to a hospital. (I had a fairly good experience at one, though.) I understand where you're coming from. ((((((Tsunamisurfer!)))))))

[ladyjrnlist]

Sounds like how I felt when they decided it was time to try ECT. Tests, more tests, scans, the treatments...woah! Buy antipsychotics don't have to make you feel bad, that's very true.
If she's right, you might come out of this feeling better than ever!
Just remember, you control your treatment, so if something isn't a fit for you, speak up.
HUGS!!!!

[Trippin2.0]

Hey Pete, I'm on a low dosage (0.5mg x2 a day) and i am thankfully n0t z0mbified. I kn0w life must be scary right n0w, i'm s0rry i'm unable 2 chat or email,but kn0w that i'm thinkn of u and will keep u in prayer. X0XO
LIA

[Amazonmom]

I'm sorry. That sounds like a lot on your plate!

Hugs

[Tsunamisurfer]

Thanks everyone.

Trippin, LIA = Love In Action?

I forgot to mention - 3/4 of the way through the consultation, pdoc begins talking to my wife and referring to me as "him". (Hey! I'm still in the room, ladies! Oy! Excuse me!...) My thoughts obviously weren't loud enough, and my pdoc was absolutely convinced that I was somewhere else. Oh well. Maybe she will start hearing me if I swallow some Zyprexa for her. Apparently dealing with my issues will sort out the worlds problems too LOL.

[Trippin2.0]

LOL at Sweet Pete. I'm just trying 2b a g0od friend. XOXO

[sugahorse1]

Sorry to hear Pete; but I hope this brings some relief to you xx

[DivorcedWoman]

I know this is a new pdoc, but have you thought about getting a second opinion. I know I'm not as trusting as I once was of pdocs and if something doesn't feel right a second opinion couldn't hurt. This is someone that you have to work with very closely and in my opinion our health is in their hands in so many ways so we have to feel comfortable. I wasn't there but from what you told us the suggestions and information seem a little overwhelming.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by DivorcedWoman

I know this is a new pdoc, but have you thought about getting a second opinion.

Thanks DW.
She hasn't yet insisted on a frontal lobotomy, so I'll go for the tests and see what emerges. I agree that making a diagnosis in the first interview is difficult, and we will need to watch what happens over time. The last 2 pdocs had me on Epilim, Lithium & Seroquel & considered it BD-I. I was adamant it was BD-II. I tried the Seroquel and became a 36hr zombie and felt extremely disorientated. So I refused to take it any more. I subsequently had the most wonderful and sometimes scary experiences ranging from simple sounds and fleeting sights to hour-long complex auditory and psychic hallucinations (delusions?). I think that is what prompted my current pdoc to dig deeper. When she began talking to my wife as if I wasn't there, I had a distinct feeling she thought I was so out of my tree then that she needed someone else sane to talk to.
%^$&* that hurts, whether its true or not!!!

Looking at this thread a couple of days after the event, I feel the pdoc was poking hard on some very sore nerves, and I was clearly in denial about what was going on.

But realising that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I am still terrified, confused, and desperately want to get off this planet and board a shuttle to the furthest galaxy on a new mission that has nothing to do with chemical imbalances and life crises.

[Trippin2.0]

Take me with you 2 that galaxy Pete...

[DivorcedWoman]

Good luck. Keep us posted on how things progress. I'm glad you have your wife by your side supporting you.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Just heard that the psych hospital can't get me in next week, and we are now trying for early May. Its not just a bed, but a whole team of people that need to be scheduled with. Anxiety levels have just gone through the roof.
Fortunately my pdoc is coordinating the whole thing! That is sooooooo amazing. I would never be able to pull it off on my own.

[Tsunamisurfer]

So confused. Too much running through my head. Can't rewind and put it to paper. It comes, its gone, like a never heard song - its in - its out, all I wanna do is shout
'bout the bees in my head
but I'm cryin' instead
really wishin I was ....
then this knockin at the door
sends me duckin to the floor
cos the noise is gettin wilder
too much for my brain
which is goin insane
insane insane
going down the drain
now I'm looking for hope
that things will get better
but my pdoc gives me dope
and a sad reading letter
that tells tells tells tells
the insurance, well you know
if it rings any bells
that this is a long one
they call it chronic
when in fact I'm supersonic
and you know it just don't fit
cos a plane in a drain
is just nothin but pain
pain pain

[Moose72]

Sounds paranoia. And delusional. I get that. Delusional = ei g co vi ced things ate happening w/o proof but you're 110% convinced.

I'd freak if they told me all that. Even "regular" ducted things so
etimes send me into a freaked-out tailspin.

I
not all that great myself the last few days but I couldn't not respond seeing how you were feeling.

Hug!

[Moose72]

Excuse iPhone typos

[Nixi]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I just wanted to say I love your poem!!! I too write poems sometimes- when the mood takes me- to get rid of negative feelings!

(((Big hugs )))

[Tsunamisurfer]

Thanks Moose & Nixi for your support and encouragement. It really makes a difference.
Moose, you're right about the psychosis. I had another very close call with the undertaker yesterday. It's not depression, but I get so incredibly wired at times. The world around me becomes distorted. Sounds boom and conspire together to attack me like a pack of wolves. Yesterday (for an hour) I was pulled powerfully toward a high rail and urged to fly with my arms spread out. I resisted and clung to my seat. Later that day, I had to escape the pounding of laughter (real people, but too much for me, even with ear plugs) and sit quietly in a study in a house. The blinds made strange patterns, and I saw the silver surfer slide into the room then go invisible. Fairies shone lights from a tree to the right of the window, then hid, but they remained there. They had come to take me away. To avoid triggering people I'll stop there, but my daughters found me later and through their love I didn't carry out what I was about to do. I took 25mg Seroquel after that and slept for 15 hours.
My pdoc's receptionist wanted to admit me to the psych hospital, but with my pdoc going on leave this week, I felt I would be out of her care, so I declined the offer.

I'm pretty useless at writing poetry and lyrics, but the above lyrics were the only way I could articulate anything - a free flowing garble of thoughts that tended to rhyme in places. It's largely incoherent because I wasn't trying to be coherent - just express. I guess if I had to put it into a song to share with others, I would need to think it over and ensure it carried the right sort of meaning to my audience.

[thinker22]

Hi TS. I just read through the thread. I just wanted to let you know that everyone wants you to feel well and whole. I used to have hallucinations (mostly auditory, but sometimes visual) until I got on the right anti-psyc med. They tried almost every single one on me, but in the end it was Geodon that gave me the least side effects and did the trick. The problem with Seroquel for me, and as you discovered, is that it makes you extremely tired and sleep up to 15 or more hours a day. Sure you're not having hallucinations or delusions, but that's only because you're unconscious! I'd ask to be switched to something else. You are in control of the getting well process and you should speak up about the side effects. My docs didn't listen to me when I said that Seroquel was draining my will to live, so I went off of it on my own. Which led almost immediately to a manic episode, but man were those 9 weeks fun. So I'm not saying you should quit it without talking to your doc, but you should ask her to replace it with a different one in the same class of drugs. Sending you hope and hugs

[Confusedinomicon]

I have less severe version of that. But now I'm having bad side effects on the med they gave me for delusions so I'm scared that if I go off that I'll start to think like that again. I think I'll make it. I think you'll make it. Youve been resisting what they tell you, and you're strong Tsu. If anyone can beat it, I am sure it will be you.

((hugss))

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by thinker22

...I just wanted to let you know that everyone wants you to feel well and whole... I'd ask to be switched to something else. ... so I went off of it on my own. Which led almost immediately to a manic episode...

Thinker, thanks so much for that. My pdoc prescribed Zyprexa, but I have had difficulty getting my insurance to cover it (admin woes). So I used what I had, even though I hate the stuff.
My pdoc phoned me back this afternoon (while I was out taking a wonderful 2 hour walk in the rain) and was very angry with me, and insisted I get onto zyprexa "NOW!" Yes yes, tomorrow, even if I have to buy a week's supply and get another script for insurance after that.
But I am really worried about the weight gain side effects of Zyprexa, so I ate a banana for breakfast and nothing else all day. Did that have my wife happy with me when she found out?!!!

Now the Seroquel is wearing off, I have been feeling very excitable, with restless legs (which got me walking in the first place). Thanks for the warning. I'll be extra careful.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

..I'm scared that if I go off that I'll start to think like that again. I think I'll make it. I think you'll make it. Youve been resisting what they tell you, and you're strong Tsu. If anyone can beat it, I am sure it will be you.

((hugss))

Confusedinomicon, thanks for your encouragement, which came at a critical time. I had no idea how dangerous my psychosis was until I found how seductive and good sui seemed. Whether or not you are aware of it when you write, it is efforts such as yours that keep us fighting for life when the end looks so inevitably imminent.

Keep taking the meds you need to survive, and keep up your wonderful gift of encouragement.

Peter

[Trippin2.0]

Hey Pete, just want u 2 kn0w u have an army of cheerleeders cheering u on! (i'm head cheerleader lol) you'll beat this!

[Confusedinomicon]

Originally Posted by Tsunamisurfer

Confusedinomicon, thanks for your encouragement, which came at a critical time. I had no idea how dangerous my psychosis was until I found how seductive and good sui seemed. Whether or not you are aware of it when you write, it is efforts such as yours that keep us fighting for life when the end looks so inevitably imminent.

Keep taking the meds you need to survive, and keep up your wonderful gift of encouragement.

Peter

It's funny because I was just dx BP1 today and almost hospitalized.
Seeing your post back to me really made me feel better. Thank you.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

It's funny because I was just dx BP1 today and almost hospitalized.

You too, huh. That really sucks. I'm really sorry to hear that.
I got 1.5 hrs sleep last night. So excited. I will be trying Zyprexa this morning, and I'm kind of expecting to see half the people outside the pharmacy just magically disappear, including the gnomes We'll see if my pdoc's faith in this med is well placed.