[Secretum]

I'm doing much better now than I was a week ago; the thoughts have calmed down, the desire is less desperate. But I still have sui thoughts that are more intense than the current of harmless sui ideation that I chronically experience. As I described in a previous thread, part of me still very much wants to die.

What should I do about this? I suspect that once I figure out why I want to die, I can address that reason and either fix it (if possible) or end things (if no other solution exists). But what should I do until then to avoid the thoughts? They're distressing and dangerous (though I don't know to what degree). I'm meeting with my t on Thursday; maybe she'll have some suggestions.

A side note: when do you know that you're so sui that emergency action is needed? My parents told me to get them at any time when things get intense, and they'll take me to the ER. Of course, that sounds like a very dramatic action, and I don't want to put my family through that. But I don't want to put them through the pain of losing a family member to sui either.

Thanks

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Secretum

My parents told me to get them at any time when things get intense, and they'll take me to the ER. Of course, that sounds like a very dramatic action, and I don't want to put my family through that. But I don't want to put them through the pain of losing a family member to sui either.

Thanks

When I was pregnant with my first child, I did not know how to tell when you are having contractions. So I sounded a false alarm once and my neighbor took me to the hospital in vain. But he survived that.

Same approach.

[ajmich]

Hang on to your realization that you "don't want to put your family through... the pain of losing a family member"... for me, not wanting to be yet another statistic and cause additional misery to loved ones has been enough to hang on during the worst of it. That and sleeping as much as possible. Absolutely talk to your T about this! If you find yourself unable to resist, go to emergency and the hell with the fallout.

Program a sui hotline into your phone. Then when you don't feel like bothering anyone (which is my problem) you can talk to a nonjudgmental stranger

[manicdepressive07]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I'm doing much better now than I was a week ago; the thoughts have calmed down, the desire is less desperate. But I still have sui thoughts that are more intense than the current of harmless sui ideation that I chronically experience. As I described in a previous thread, part of me still very much wants to die.

What should I do about this? I suspect that once I figure out why I want to die, I can address that reason and either fix it (if possible) or end things (if no other solution exists). But what should I do until then to avoid the thoughts? They're distressing and dangerous (though I don't know to what degree). I'm meeting with my t on Thursday; maybe she'll have some suggestions.

A side note: when do you know that you're so sui that emergency action is needed? My parents told me to get them at any time when things get intense, and they'll take me to the ER. Of course, that sounds like a very dramatic action, and I don't want to put my family through that. But I don't want to put them through the pain of losing a family member to sui either.

Thanks

Definitely talk to your therapist! He or she will hopefully be able to give you much better ideas... but an idea I just had is what about you make a list... A list of 10 reasons you are happy to be alive. Your family, your friends, your pet if you have one... Love, the beauty in nature, listening to the rain, movies or music you really enjoy, websites you love to check out... those are just some ideas. Just make a list of things that make you happy, things you enjoy Then pull that list out anytime you need an extra reminder of why life is so amazing!

[manicdepressive07]

Originally Posted by manicdepressive07

Definitely talk to your therapist! He or she will hopefully be able to give you much better ideas... but an idea I just had is what about you make a list... A list of 10 reasons you are happy to be alive. Your family, your friends, your pet if you have one... Love, the beauty in nature, listening to the rain, movies or music you really enjoy, websites you love to check out... those are just some ideas. Just make a list of things that make you happy, things you enjoy Then pull that list out anytime you need an extra reminder of why life is so amazing!

If you like to be creative, you can even make it into a fun project! Like a vision board sort of thing... cut out pictures from magazines and the internet and call it whatever you'd like... but know the purpose is to remind you of all these wonderful things you enjoy!

[Secretum]

Thanks for all the ideas. Sui hotline is a good idea; it's just so hard for me to reach out. I've never called a sui hotline, because I always figure that there must be someone out there who needs it more than I do. I like the list of things to celebrate about life too. Part of me (I suspect the part that wants to die) really doesn't want me to make that list, though. Perhaps a sign that it would be effective at calming these thoughts?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Secretum

Sui hotline is a good idea; it's just so hard for me to reach out. I've never called a sui hotline, because I always figure that there must be someone out there who needs it more than I do.

When you are suicidal, you should not be concerned with the staffing challenges of suicidal hotlines.

In fact, even if you are not suicidal, unless you manage suicidal hotlines, you should not be concerned with their staffing challenges.

[Secretum]

Thanks for being such a good friend, Hamster. Thanks for being the voice of reason when my emotions have overridden my logic.

[BlueInanna]

Try the hotline. I know a good lady who volunteers at one, she said sometimes they don't get many calls. That was all she could tell me about it, I was eagerly curious about but I couldn't tell her why either. I've never called one either, but please do try it, I think they are kind compassionate people who volunteer at them. Just stay safe, go to ER if you're not sure. You're family loves you and we do too.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

You're family loves you and we do too.

That, that!

[cocoabeans]

Am I the only one who doesn't get it? I've had plenty of thoughts even tried it a couple times and can't understand when someone would go taking themselves in to the hospital. Thinking it is one thing but, when you're at the point of actively planning and wanting to end it, going to the hospital is the last thing you would even think of, except if you're thinking of a worst case scenario where you fail the attempt and need to come up with a plan to get out of the hospital ASAP if it came to that.

Are there really people out there who attempt suicide without desperately wanting to succeed?

[Lilithlee]

If you just need someone to talk about your Sui thought and don't or can't use the phone. You can email, they get back to you within 24hrs so if its a 911 type deal don't use them but they call Samaritans. They very helpful.

[BlueInanna]

Cocoa I think you you have trouble seeing past your own experience sometimes. I find it unsupportive, but maybe you don't realize it. Secretum is very bright and very aware of of her dx. She knows that sui thoughts can be a symptom, a very dangerous symptom. She will, I hope call 911 if it gets so bad that she's in imminent danger of hurting herself. Sometimes the symptoms get too strong and she needs to call for help and do what's necessary like ER to get help.

S I'm thinking of you and hope you might be feeling better. I'm not able to write much right now.

[Secretum]

Just an update: I'm doing much better today. The thoughts are gone for the time being. I discussed the ER with my t yesterday, and she said to go if I start to scare myself. I told her that I didn't want to go unless it was 100% necessary because of the expense in both time and money; she replied that the ER is still cheaper than a funeral.

I think I found the root of my desire to die. I feel suicidal when I realize how disappointed I am with life. Life hasn't been what I was hoping it would be, and the discrepancy between the actual and the ideal tortures me. Now I need to figure out how to better my life, or learn how to accept it as it is.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Secretum

Just an update: I'm doing much better today. The thoughts are gone for the time being. I discussed the ER with my t yesterday, and she said to go if I start to scare myself. I told her that I didn't want to go unless it was 100% necessary because of the expense in both time and money; she replied that the ER is still cheaper than a funeral.

I think I found the root of my desire to die. I feel suicidal when I realize how disappointed I am with life. Life hasn't been what I was hoping it would be, and the discrepancy between the actual and the ideal tortures me. Now I need to figure out how to better my life, or learn how to accept it as it is.

She is definitely right that the ER is cheaper than a funeral in terms of monetary cost. It is also way cheaper than eternal non-existence in terms of time.

You have been met with a lot of disappointments in life, Secretum. Your crushes are yet to return your passionate feelings - too bad. You were sent home from Europe due to the disorder - really a pity. So you are totally justified in feeling disappointed. Just keep going with your life!!

Originally Posted by Secretum

I'm doing much better now than I was a week ago; the thoughts have calmed down, the desire is less desperate. But I still have sui thoughts that are more intense than the current of harmless sui ideation that I chronically experience. As I described in a previous thread, part of me still very much wants to die.

What should I do about this? I suspect that once I figure out why I want to die, I can address that reason and either fix it (if possible) or end things (if no other solution exists). But what should I do until then to avoid the thoughts? They're distressing and dangerous (though I don't know to what degree). I'm meeting with my t on Thursday; maybe she'll have some suggestions.

A side note: when do you know that you're so sui that emergency action is needed? My parents told me to get them at any time when things get intense, and they'll take me to the ER. Of course, that sounds like a very dramatic action, and I don't want to put my family through that. But I don't want to put them through the pain of losing a family member to sui either.

Thanks

Music has helped me so much with this. One song in particular by Alanis Morissette called Joining You helps me a lot. Also not wanting to do it to my son or family, remembering times that were good and remembering feelings aren't facts helps.

[Confusedinomicon]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I think I found the root of my desire to die. I feel suicidal when I realize how disappointed I am with life. Life hasn't been what I was hoping it would be, and the discrepancy between the actual and the ideal tortures me. Now I need to figure out how to better my life, or learn how to accept it as it is.

I felt the same way for a long time. I feel like I wasted my four years at uni because I spent so much time being preoccupied with the disorder. I missed out on a lot of social functions/research opportunities/job opportunities/grades. Then I graduated and essentially stopped functioning and felt bad about myself for over half a year.

Hamster is right, there will be a lot of disappointments. The biggest thing I've come to cope with/learn is that I can shape my future and its not too late for me. It isn't too late for you, either.

[sunnyday]

I called a "hot-line" just once....they kept repeating every word I said, I asked them if there was an echo in the room? They disconnected me......

[Darth Bane]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

I felt the same way for a long time. I feel like I wasted my four years at uni because I spent so much time being preoccupied with the disorder. I missed out on a lot of social functions/research opportunities/job opportunities/grades. Then I graduated and essentially stopped functioning and felt bad about myself for over half a year.

Hamster is right, there will be a lot of disappointments. The biggest thing I've come to cope with/learn is that I can shape my future and its not too late for me. It isn't too late for you, either.

perfect post Confusedinomicon....
secretum i think you should read "selfish gene" from richard dawkins... you are either expecting too much or too less frm life...the book will help you clear few things.... and ... keep holding on

[BlueInanna]

It's so true, things don't often turn out as we hope or expect, especially such a high intelligence girl like you S. Acceptance is key, but keep your big dreams, they are worthy and beautiful. There's still time for all of us right, even me pushing 40 so many aspects falling apart. I will possibly have to rebuild everything as I've known it quite soon, including going back to college and beginning a whole new career. It is so disappointing, but if I want peace, have to accept it as it is, and persevere.

Had dinner tonight with ex gf lover, we're still good friends. So much I admire about her, doesn't get anxiety, successful in her teaching career, strong boundaries, confidence, almost always seems happy, seems to create her own destiny. In ways she has it easier than me, but in ways I have different gifts. She sees me as magical and spiritual and deep and intuitive and she sees my huge heart and sensitivity. I see those things in you S. We have it harder in many ways but we have special gifts, and sensitivity hurts, bad, but it is a gift. You are a unique gift to this planet

I'm glad to hear you're finding your way through this hard time. Don't ever give up. Never forget your intelligence and that you will always find a way once you wrap your head around something, and I will do the same. I've teetered the edge lately too and trusting that if it comes time to make that call, I will make that call or trip to the hospital if need be. This is hard stuff we deal with. I'm so glad you have a good t, she sounds like a good one.

Best advice from a pdoc to me regarding sui thoughts was realizing what things I want to be different in my life, and like confused said above, it's never too late.

[Secretum]

Thanks for all the ideas and support, everyone! Darth, I'll check out that book. I still want to live. I feel like I'll make one last desperate attempt to change my life, to become the person I want to be. Thanks again.