"Am", but am not(!) and question

Where to start? I've been in a really weird state for the vast majority of a very long time now. A little background...There have been unrelenting huge stressors over the past year and a half. Don't want to elaborate any more than what I already have here on the forums, though it might be useful to know that even what I have talked about has not been full disclosure, and that there are a considerable number of other major concerns that I've not talked about at all. Not here. Not psych. Not anywhere.

Sure, I've had some substantial - but not nearly as lasting as they were before meds - depressions (complete with sui ideations and will not go anymore into that so as to not trigger) and even a wild hypomania (over the top from even my usual). It only lasted 2 days. Oh right, and meltdowns over getting totally disoriented quite a number of times. Thing is, I've been, for the most part, appearing to be coping. But there is a point, somewhere, that will exceed this capacity, you know?

Even my psych (who knows that I "cover" well, so is not particularly fooled) has been amazed. She said the other day, "You realize that w/o your meds, you would surely have been hospitalized by now, right?" She is right. I have absolutely no doubt of this either.

So what is the point of all this? I have what is, to me, the biggest stressor yet coming up in less than 3 weeks. I've often wondered what a total and utter breakdown would be for me. What? When? Where? How? I'm trying to just push forward and not think about it, but... it gnaws. I'm not talking sui here, but having people take me away. I'd say against my will, but frankly, I don't think I'd even have a will at that point. (Unless it took the form of raging, which would be just plain ugly, as I'd have the will of 10 people(!))

Does this last paragraph make sense to anyone? Thoughts?

(I've seen people see me in moments where they've pulled their phones out, considering calling. So we're talking beyond that... that I wouldn't be aware at all, and that they would call for sure.)

I have no valuable input or insight,i'm so sorry IZ, but know that you're in my prayers and i'm sending you barrels of love and strength! XOXO

I think I have an idea of where you're coming from. I was just there myself, for a short time, two weeks ago. My mother had a bad fall and suffered an internal brain injury. All I could think about was how quickly I would fall apart if she died. Like, have the ambulance at the funeral to take me right to the phosp and save everyone a lot of trouble. (She's much improved today, btw).

It sounds like you're coping, but not exactly thriving. Like it would take just that last straw to send you over the edge. The nice thing about your situation is that you know what, when, and where your major stressor will be and you can plan for it. You didn't mention what was happening in three weeks, so I'm afraid I can't offer any specific suggestions, but there are some things you can do overall to help prevent a relapse.

First, make sure you have a good support system in place. Let the people in it know that you're going to need a bit of extra help and support around this event. Talk about what signs they should watch for and have a plan as to what to do if you do start to get sick. Build in small interventions along the way. If one of your signs is isolating, plan on getting out and going to a coffee shop, or calling a friend. It's much easier to repair something that's just beginning to fall rather than when it's in full crashing mode. Can your pdoc give you a prn to take in case you need it for this occasion?

Most of all, don't dwell on it. I know it gnaws at you...but you need to let it go somehow. Distract yourself with enjoyable things, or things that you need to get done before the event. If, despite your best efforts, you do have that penultimate breakdown.....you will deal with it then, however it happens. Dwelling on it may only set yourself up to crash, just from the inherent anxiety around that alone. Don't add to the stress that way.

I hope this event will be an enjoyable one and you will come through it happily and safely. If it is unpleasant, then I wish you as much peace as possible to help you endure. Right now, though, I would focus on how you will prevent a crash, and develop a safety plan.

If this is really about to be the biggest stressor, I think we need to talk about prep work before it arrives. I'm not sure not thinking about it is the best plan. Doing nothing may leave you as a victim...I'm thinking this may be currently affecting your sleep, eating, constant flood of negative thinking, taking your attention away from all the things you learned that are healthy for you..etc. It is already I'm guessing taking its toll on you.

So my advice is not to distract but face it head on with your professional team and other support people.

Dragonfly, yeah.... the last straw analogy is a good one. The thing is a 3,000 mile move. From somewhere I love (and had wanted to live for years before I finally got here) to somewhere I don't want to be. (BF got accepted at a specialized college, yup at middle age, and that's where it is.) It's funny, because I almost wrote of this "at least this one won't sideswipe me", since we know it's coming. Nonetheless, we know no one, will arrive in town with a UHaul and nowhere specific to bring it, not to mention how much all this will cost, which will all be out of savings, as neither of us has really worked for the last several months.

We're already mostly packed, so as to avoid that last minute stress crunch, so that will help. In terms of support team, it's BF and my psych. That's it. VERY fortunately, my psych is seeing to keeping me in meds for a nice chunk of time to transition and to do sessions via Skype (or even phone if it comes to that). I had a VERY hard time finding a psych here, so I REALLY appreciate that.

Yeah, Direction, prep work is what I'm trying to do, which is an interesting dichotomy. It seems to alternately make me feel somewhat in control and also panic-y. Packing= control, research= panic. Nonetheless, I've been trying to research the area to not go in totally cold (ahhh, learned that the hard way soooo many times before being dx'd!), but can only handle it in short bursts. My sleep's been wonky for a long time, but it has been an unbelievably stressful year. Working on it. Oddly enough, we have been eating better(!) Lol, since all the food's out of the cabinets, we know exactly what we have to use up, causing us to meal plan better then usual. Who knew?!

I try not to dwell on it too much, but it is hard when you know your world is about to be turned upside down. I feel like I just got settled a bit here and now, just over a year later, to be starting all over again....it's overwhelming. I did try to make a list of potential positives and for me it basically came down to "maybe I can work indoors". I wish I was joking.

I do love that he is pursuing something he loves, but am terrified about the whole job thing, finding a new psych (those 2 things alone very nearly broke me last year) and learning my way around a whole new area (I just barely got this one down!), because I get very confused. I have already printed out maps of the area. I really am trying.

Back to the last straw analogy, see above (and other biggies I don't want to talk about). I feel like I've just started to recover from so many things that had already brought me to my psychological knees...
I know all I can do is try. I'm just really scared.

(Glad to hear your mom is much improved, dragonfly! )

((IZ)) I don't have much advice to offer, but I too am thinking of you, and indeed in a similar place right now. I don't have one specific event coming up, but all these little things that keep flooring me. There will be a final straw; at some stage.
Meds do help keep me going. And plenty sleep. And talking to people I know will care.
Please know that we are here for you, regardless of where you may physically be living.
Have you discussed all of this with your bf?
Try and prepare for the move as much as possible; investigate possible T's and Pdoc's, jobs or social activites for you... Who knows - one of your PC support group may even live in the area.
Keep strong

Oh, do I understand about the stress of moving cross-country, lol! I have moved cross-country four times. Yes. Four. Between New England and Utah. The first time we went to Utah, we only knew two people and didn't know the area at all. Now, having those two people was a Godsend, so I can understand how not knowing anyone would be very stressful. The second time we went to Utah, it was much better, but we were still in a different area, so there was still a learning curve. Going to NE was coming home, so that was a different story....but I digress.

I agree with Sugahorse - find as much social networking as you can. There are lots of places to look for information. First, start with the college. If they're a specialty school, it is likely that they have quite a few students from out of the area and may have some relocation resources. Next, look for a local DBSA chapter. DBSA is the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance and they have in-person support groups that usually meet at least weekly all across the country. You can find them at www.dbsalliance.org . Click on the "find support" tab on the left of the page. Another good place is the state government website. There you will find all sorts of information about car registrations, employment search services, schools, housing, etc. And don't forget about the state tourism sites! You've got to have a little fun and what better place than your backyard? Also check out www.about.com . They have lots of city-specific sites led by locals who know the ins and outs of the area.

Now, coming from the NW US, it sounds like you'll be moving to the east coast. Do you mind sharing where, in general? (New England, New York, Mid-Atlantic, South?) If you happen to be coming to New England, particularly Mass. or NH, let me know if I can help.

Moving anywhere is stressful. Relocating adds another whole dimension. But it can also be fun to explore a new area. You've done this before, you can get through it. Seriously - let me know if I can help.

Suga...Flooring me. Yes, exactly! (And I'm so sorry you keep being floored too... ) It's just been flipping unbelievable. Last night, thinking about the thread here, I mentally made a list of them. In order. It wasn't my imagination, they really were big, relentless, and some even overlapping. Though not a single one was related to this beloved current location, I tried to think that maybe somehow "dues have been paid" and things will change for the better in that regard. Who knows, of course, but I can hope.

Meds, TG. PC, TG. I'm kind of embarrased to say that I haven't discussed this too much with BF. Some, yes, but not the sheer level of terror. He's a worrier, and I don't want to trigger him any more than necessary (he has depression issues), or we'll both be a mess(!) We have to be a team, mustering all the positivity we can to make this work. He is aware of my depression signs (and has seen me manic-y), so he can keep an eye on me, as he is the only one who has the degree of real life contact to ascertain them.

We have a close scoresheet dragonfly! I've had 3 cross country with 2 substantials in that time frame besides! And lifetime? You don't even want to know, but I will tell you anyway. 22 (only 3 of which were as small child, and does not include back and forth to college 6x). So yeah, a LOT of practice. This will make 23. Except this one, I initiated every single one in adulthood (mentioned the undiagnosed BP, right?)

Unfortunately, being a tiny school, they aren't really set up for relocation help, but we will check in there upon arriving anyway, just in case there's any recent word-of-mouth or index cards on a bulletin board or whatever. I've looked up local chapters of both DBSA and NAMI. Neither are as close as I'd like, but we'll see how that works out on the actual ground. Also looked up psych people. And places to inquire about work doing the one thing I've ever come close to enjoying doing. And available public transportation (I do have a car, but it is old, and given the choice would rather not have to depend on it.) Didn't even think of car registration and such, thanks for the reminder. It seems like a lot of research, and it is in a way, but it's been in short bursts, because apt. costs make me want to pass out and that's the very first thing we need to deal with. (We are lucky here rent-wise, and I'm loathe to give it up. Apparently we're not allowed to strap our current apt. onto the UHaul, or believe me I would, lol! And the lovely tree of course...) Jobs? Yikes. I know it is that way everywhere, but it's hard to walk away from my job just before the really big contracts will be starting after months of diddly (as in about 40 hours total in the last 5 months).

Yup, east coast. NJ. (NH or MA, that's funny - used to live in ME quite a number of years ago! Thanks very much for the offer though! )

Oooh, and I must share a small miracle that happened just this morning. (Because I really really am trying to see any bright sides, even though it won't diminish my terror one iota.) An email. From someone I graduated h.s. with(!!!) They are putting together a small reunion kind of thing, scheduled for a month after we move. Which means I will probably be able to actually go. It never would have happened from here. Yeah, yeah, I know, people I haven't seen in <cough> 30 years, everyone's changed, and normally, this would get a big "no thanks!", but even the very remote chance that anything useful might come of it is kind of exciting, as I have no friends (2 sort-ofs, each many many many miles away - as in western state's worth- so not like you can go out for coffee or anything!). At this I know there will be at least 2 people to talk to, even if we have nothing in common anymore. Even to talk will be a treat, having zippo social life.

22 moves?! Okay, you win...

That being said, try to take comfort in the fact that you've done this many times before. I know it can be scary, not knowing how you will react to something big like that. Like I said earlier, the thought of losing my mom terrified me. Whether it's a death or birth or major relocation, these kinds of life stressors can take their toll.

It sounds like you're doing quite a bit to prepare yourself. That's great news about the high school reunion. Maybe you could reconnect with some old friends out there.

That's really neat -that you used to live in Maine. I used to work in Maine, lived on the NH Seacoast. Now I'm about 2 hours away from the coast and I miss it. But we're "home" here, so it's all good.

My psych told me that big changes are generally harder on people who are BP. I kind of realized this when I cried for a week before I went to high school and spent 2 months crying when I started college. No matter how much I prepared I wasn't ready for these big moves.

Now I want to move across the country after I graduate and I'm scared! So scared that I feel like I'll end up not moving in fear of what I don't know. (Quite literally!) I think it will take time but you'll manage.<3333 You've done it before so what will make this experience any different?

Good luck!<3 I wish the move well when it starts. <33333333333333333

All hail! LOL!
Ok, all may cease hailing now... I have no sense of time, right? Turns out it's not a month after we move, it falls during the move, lol! Somehow I forgot that July immediately follows June(!) And in fact, turns out it currently is June! Who knew?! Ok, so it may not happen. I emailed back trying to find out if the handful of people I actually care about seeing are coming. Waiting to hear. Meanwhile, if it's worth going, I can push the move date up...but it would be positively frenetic to pull off. So BF of course says... this could really stress things up, soooo consider well. Here's the weird thing... As I kicked up the level (just in case), it occured to me that is seemed to be making me more calm(!!!) Well, not calm exactly, but having to do something so focused... it's like if I had to do it so suddenly, I'd be there before I knew what hit me. Couldn't decide if that was good or bad. God knows how many times I've gotten somewhere and said WTH?! It struck me as almost like a hypomania, but externally-driven. I probably won't do it, but even the thought provided an interesting insight. Weird.
Yeah, I think that is true in some ways. (relate to the very things you speak of...) Thinking on the above combined with a serious history of sudden big hypomanic-driven changes... it is and it isn't(!) Yikes! I mean, how often have we done it to ourselves?(!) This has got the ol' brain cell wiggling!
I know EXACTLY what you're saying Confusedinminocom! For years and years, I put off getting divorced with that exact fear! Finally did it though. Considered so hard if I was hypomanic, and didn't think so, but not entirely sure. There's that whole damn "lack of insight" thing. Like to think I'm immune, lol! Btw, where would you be looking to move? We've got this small humble apartment, great tree off the balcony, nice location....

There actually is an answer to what makes this one different. This is the first time ever I'm the breadwinner so to speak. To someone who's spent decades in part-time minimum wage jobs...this is daunting to say the least. And heading in after months of nearly no work....yeah. So combine that with the things mentioned before (job-hunting, getting a new psych, learning my way around...) Yes, I'm still terrified. Worried if I can't pull it off, I might lose it big time, but this conversation is really getting me thinking about some things!

I just wanted to come by to thank you all you guys. Your thoughts and wisdom have really helped me in coming to a pretty ok place with this. Mwah! Yes, still terrified. No doubt about that. But taking your advice to prepare and control what I can to help with stability really is helping. It's still terror, yes, but it's... like it's not in total control anymore, if that makes any sense. Will I completely flip out over the last straw? I don't know. Probably. But I'm trying to not think about that. After all, with all that has happened here, in a place that I love, the last straw is not exempt from happening either(!) I guess it will always be that I wonder how a major breakdown will fall out. But it could happen anywhere. (And granted, with all the unknowns, it is more likely to happen there, but...) That may not sound good, but it's a better perspective than it was(!)

You guys are the best!!!