[Ryask]

I've been kinda in a strange mood as of late i dont really know whats happening. I was doing fine for a long time then seems like suddenly I'm exhausted, i don't want to do anything, i cry nearly everyday for nothing really, and I'm extremely anxious. I first thought it was just cycling down to depression but i have some other symptoms that aren't quite normal for me when depressed. I an extremely irritable, telling my husband i hate him daily, yelling at him, having a hard time refraining from being violent toward him? Thats not like me at all, and i have been having some disturbing thoughts about harming other people, and i guess the last part is that I've become obsessed about acquiring an...item i guess, i keep researching it, thinking about it constantly and begging for my husband to get me one..and well he did i thought id be happy when i got it but really..i kinda just feel like i just wanted to want something...even though i made a big fuss and made him drive 4 hours to go get it...i don't really feel satisfied. My boss at work keeps making comments, asking me whats wrong and i never know what to say i just keep saying i'm tired...even my husband keeps asking me whats wrong..but i just dont know what to say...maybe it's depressed? It just feels different...that previous depression...i'm not really too sure what to do...looking for some advice and maybe if anyone else has/does feel like this ?

[BlackPup]

sorry you are not feeling good.
Sounds like your meds are not working properly and you are a bit depressed or maybe even mixed. the meds do mix up our moods a bit while trying to fix them...
Also I think spending some time with a good T would be a good idea to see if there is an underlying reason for your crying and your aggression.
Hope this helps. Praying for you.

[Ryask]

yeah i'm not on meds or in therapy anymore..i just dont seem to have the desire/energy to pick up the phone and call..i guess that sounds dumb..

[Tsunamisurfer]

Sounds like a little red flag to me too.
Huge hug ((((Ryask)))
Time for medical attention, I'd say.
Praying for you too.
Peter

You sound really mixed & like you are having a hard time escaping the "self-defeatism" cycle we so often find ourselves in. If you have the means to see a T & get yourself help, by all means take advantage, because there are a lot of us out there that so wish for that priviledge. Stay safe & let us know how you're doing. Find some ways to keep yourself entertained or distracted in the meantime-- Living in a realm of fantasy via music, books, & movies is a lot better than doing/saying things you might otherwise regret.

[Ryask]

i think the biggest thing..honestly it that it's affecting my work life allot, i'm kinda scared to go back to my t because he may have me take time off work again...finacially i can afford it however...if i take the time they can/will replace me..i might not have a job to go back to and if that happends...i know i'm not ready to look for another job, interview etc...i hate it..i hate my job but it's more bearable being absolutely miserable doing a horrible job then it is toget another job. It would be tough financially if i was not working at all...but more mentally when i am off work i spiral down even farther and imagine my husband hates me because i'm not working..i'm not sure if it's true or just me feeling that way. Another thing is if they put me back on meds i'll need time off because i just can't adjust while trying to be a caregiver at work, i don't have any patience or understanding left just anger and sadness...and it's really not fair to my clients. I just down know what to do.

Originally Posted by Ryask

..i just dont seem to have the desire/energy to pick up the phone and call..i guess that sounds dumb..

Not dumb. I just managed to leave a msg., 2 full weeks since I really should have (ie. on the very heels of last appt.). Just couldn't. Totally get it.

Originally Posted by Ryask

i think the biggest thing..honestly it that it's affecting my work life allot, ...i know i'm not ready to look for another job, interview etc...i hate it..i hate my job but it's more bearable being absolutely miserable doing a horrible job then it is toget another job. It would be tough financially if i was not working at all... I just down know what to do.

Wow, can I ever relate this, Ryask! (Finally sat down at computer to write a post, then in reading discovered that between you and catrules, you've got a bunch of concerns already covered(!) How did you do that?!). Sorry not to have a useful answer, but know that you are not alone.

[Ryask]

yeah i just read catrules looks like it's really something many people deal with.

It can honestly be really hard to keep your motivation up when your mind is either too numb or too wired to do anything. That's how I lost my only opportunity for mental health treatment... I was supposed to start seeing a T & a psychiatrist over at a regional facility so I could get sliding scale therapy & medication. But between not being able to get a ride over & my motivation being low, at best, I missed my chance. Blah. :/

[Ryask]

I woke up crying this morning after having a very intense dream.*
I was working with my partner for 20 years, I was not to touch the switch for the train but i did my partner was hit by a train and killed. At the funeral I told his parents that it was my fault and that I was sorry. His parents insulted me while trying to console each other. I remember crying and being given two days off, I couldn't understand why people couldn't understand my pain as i lost him too and the guilt of it being my fault. I sat there crying or was I ? maybe I was just sad, not crying at all maybe that's why nobody noticed my grief.*


Oddly enough this is exactly how I feel I feel grief like I've lost a long time friend and it's my fault. I feel like no one can see me crying. I feel like I'm sitting there bawling my eyes out and they ask me what I want for dinner or if i want to go fishing and I'm sitting there thinking what the he'll is going on here. Maybe my emotions are not being reflected in my face or body and Im expecting people to read essentially my mind.

Just need to vent*/ update

[BlackPup]

You don't have to stop work if you see your T, they can suggest it but you still can chose to keep on working, I totally get the spiralling down without work to keep you going. Hope that you can take the steps you need to get some help - I know its hard but it is worth it. Try not to worry about all possible outcomes now, only worry about what is is front of you.
Lots of and
You are in my prayers my friend.

[Ryask]

Geese that's the absolute truth, I always worry about all possible outcomes it's why I feel so overwhelmed and when I'm overwhelmed I just shut down kinda like my body just quits and I have to sleep. My husband never understands how whenever there is so much going on or we have a ton to do I just take a nap. Today I feel 1% better it's not much really but it's a little bit and I think I can start to make a decision. Here is my plan , I'm going to schedule an appointment with my T , I'm going to try to give away as many shifts as possible between now and the end of the month, if I can't get rid of enough I will go to the doctor tomorrow and ask for a note to take some days off while I either start my meds again or until I can see my T. September I start school and I'd like to be able to brush my hair, take a bath, get out of bed you know somewhat function.....and instead of working 12-13 hour shifts 5 days a week I can go back down to 3 hour shifts which I think is going to help out tremendously. I feel better because I have a plan. So here's hopping it works

[BlackPup]

Sounds like a great plan... very wise to get the help that you need and hope that the meds work quickly.
My pdoc always says that you go off meds for a reason, can you think of what was happening that made you stop taking your meds before? Maybe you should discuss that with your T or pdoc too.
Here are some to get you through the next few days...

[allme]

((((((((((Ryask)))))))))))))))

Yes, I also think you sound as though you are going from a mixed to depressed state. And unmedicated, without any therapy... I think it's time to pay the doctor a visit Pls? You can't go on this way and without medical attention it could spiral even more out of control. I know you are worried about your job and financies..i was the same but when it comes down to it you health is more important...above all that other stuff. What happens if you get worse and have to take time off work anyway? Pls see a doctor

Stay safe and pls keep us updated

[allme]

Originally Posted by allme

((((((((((Ryask)))))))))))))))

Yes, I also think you sound as though you are going from a mixed to depressed state. And unmedicated, without any therapy... I think it's time to pay the doctor a visit Pls? You can't go on this way and without medical attention it could spiral even more out of control. I know you are worried about your job and financies..i was the same but when it comes down to it you health is more important...above all that other stuff. What happens if you get worse and have to take time off work anyway? Pls see a doctor

Stay safe and pls keep us updated

Oooh I just saw your plan! And it sounds like a great one! Again, keep us updated!

[Ryask]

*update*
Made an appointment for a new T but i have to wait till sep 7th,made an appointment with a reg dr to possibly go back on meds but not till the 30th, and i gave away 4 13hr shifts...so..i have 7 shifts till the end of the month..i just need to make it through those 7 shifts but i have decided to make the commitment that if i feel as bad and suicidal as i was a couple days ago i will go straight to the hospital, if it means losing my job then so be it, it's better then losing my life...thanks for all your support guys and hopefully i can make it through 7 shifts.