[~Christina]

I have been reading a million posts on here .. Yes it has helped me to try and understand that I am not alone and so many struggle with the same stuff ... Heres my problem ..

My husband isnt supportive at all... He has his own problems with his work and a workers comp injury and surgery ( long story) Anyway ... I know that some of the things I do definatly are a result to having Bipolar ...

Now I dont want to offend anyone but I personally wonder if I will start using my Bi Polar as an " excuse" for being overly emotional ..

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I know now because of therapy since March of this year that I have been Bi Polar pretty much all my life. I guess getting the diagnosis is good and bad .

I guess I just wonder ... " Will I ever feel ok ?"
Or will I constantly be on this roller coaster from hell ?

Thanks ....

Wishing you all some peace and love ~

[mgran]

Funnily enough I was having a conversation related to your question with my son today. He's got asperger's syndrome, which does explain a lot of his behaviours... however, I've been getting sick of him saying, "I can't help it, I'm aspie" recently. For example, we went to the pictures today, and as if breaking wind loudly and unapologetically weren't bad enough, he had to cackle and grin like a loon about it. He also kept talking very loudly over the trailers, making wise cracks. For example, there was an advert for beer which said, "grab a bud", which, if you spoke Irish Gaelic, would be a pretty appalling double entendre. My son had to translate it at the top of his lungs, and figure out other embarassing things one could say in English that sounded bad in other languages.

I had to keep telling him to not talk so loud, reminded him that he was shouting, and he actually said, "I can't help it, I'm aspie."

Fortunately we'd sorted out appropriate behaviour by the time the film started, but I was irked by his falling back on the "I've got a diagnoses so I can do what I please" excuse. yes... I think there's a risk that we can fall back on a diagnoses, if it's there. On the other hand, if we're aware of the difficulty, and can see why it needs to be fought that's different.

I don't know whether you'll always be on this roller coaster... I certainly hope not.

[kaliope]

morethingswrong

some people do use bipolar as an excuse for their behavior and this is unfortunate. it just depends on how honest you want to be with yourself and whether you are willing to take responsibility for your actions or not.

now another way to reframe it is to look at bipolar as the reason for being overly emotional. i know for me, with my illness, i have bp and ptsd. i would become very angry and judgmental of myself for being so emotional. crying over burnt toast i would call it. i thought i was ridiculous for not being able to contain myself. but put in the context of my mental health disorder, well then my moods made sense. it wasnt something i could control, at least not until i learned a whole lotta new coping skills and unfortunately i required medication as well.

as for if you will ever feel ok or are you cursed to be forever on the roller coaster? i lived that way for many, many, many years. i tried anything and everything to get better for decades. finally i crashed so hard i had to go the medication route. it took a couple years to find the right med, but we finally did and now i do feel ok and i am finally off that roller coaster. i imagine that this is how normal people live. there are no more ups and downs, no more cycles, no more losing it. like total stability. still some anxiety but i am working on that in therapy. but that bipolar craziness is gone.

[Sophia57]

I was over emotional and finding out I was bipolar helped me realize I was not a bad person, like I had been told since elementary school. It also set me on a search to gain emotional control, through a lot of things, including health, spirituality, social skills and education.

I rode the roller coaster for so many years. I still have some gentle ups and downs, but my goal is that no one identify me as bipolar. Not because I am ashamed, but because I have not used bipolar as an excuse, but rather as a way to understand the way my mind works, and to change it. I have been about 15 years on this journey. I am not perfect, but very much different than the angry/raging/depressed/hypomanic person I used to be.

[~Christina]

Thanks everyone !!!!

Im still in the stage of not wanting to admit I have this roller coaster illness.. I see my T weekly and every single week he reminds me that I have Bipolar.. he knows deep down I'm in denial .He knows that I dont blame my actions on this illness but ... I beat myself up constantly mentally and physically. So somehow someway I have to learn how to live with this mess ..LOL

Thanks everyone for your replies .. they have helped me ALOT

Wishing you all peace and love <3

[SunAngel]

Originally Posted by morethingswrong

I have been reading a million posts on here .. Yes it has helped me to try and understand that I am not alone and so many struggle with the same stuff ... Heres my problem ..

My husband isnt supportive at all... He has his own problems with his work and a workers comp injury and surgery ( long story) Anyway ... I know that some of the things I do definatly are a result to having Bipolar ...

Now I dont want to offend anyone but I personally wonder if I will start using my Bi Polar as an " excuse" for being overly emotional ..

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I know now because of therapy since March of this year that I have been Bi Polar pretty much all my life. I guess getting the diagnosis is good and bad .

I guess I just wonder ... " Will I ever feel ok ?"
Or will I constantly be on this roller coaster from hell ?

Thanks ....

Wishing you all some peace and love ~

A lot of times, Bipolar does determine my behavior when I am manic. I just cannot control myself. I get eurphoric, pressured speech, psyhosis, and sometimes, I lash out at people.

I think I finally found the correct meds. that are helping me stay as stable as I can be and it has been a long time to get to the right med cocktail.

I denied my BP with my old pdoc because I was put on an antidepressant and was totally manic 100% of the time. I was on Paxil and I told him I was not manic, and that Paxil just made me feel good.

Then I embraced my diagnosis and am in the process of learning coping skills especially when I lash out on people. My therapist is trying to teach me to write down what I want to say to the people or person who I want to lash out at and get it out that way. She told me to go read it in a few days and if I still feel that way, I should try a nice way to handle it.

Once you embrace your diagnosis, you will be able to try to learn some coping skills to help your behavior when this disorder is messing with you.

Good luck to you and I really hooe you are able to accept the fact that this disorder is part of your life and has to be managed with meds and therapy. ((((hugs))))

[~Christina]

Thanks Sunangel ....

I really like the idea of writing things down and just waiting a few days... Part of that is my problem " I have no patience " altho I must say since I saw my T on Thursday ( the day I decided for once to put myself first ) I have found altho my mind is racing I havent felt like really " talking " .. especially to my husband .. which is what he often yelled at me a few months ago when we were fighting horribly ... " why cant you just shut up" Yes rude rude rude !!!! we dont fight like that anymore . But since thursday I just havent felt like talking to him at all. When I have to say something I make it as short and sweet as possible . He has asked me twice since then if "Im ok" i just reply " I'm fine" Im pretty certain hes confused since normally I " feel the need " to have conversations with him. oh well I say let him be confused ,, God knows I am confused LOL ... I am getting closer to being able to say " I'm Bipolar and KNOW it "
I despise yet adore the medications and Im still getting them changed ... typical I suppose .

I love reading your posts on here as they have given me so much insite into this illness. so.... THANKYOU !

Wishing you peace and love <3

[Beezup2]

It's no surprise that Bipolar changes us. I'm still on the roller coaster after almost 10 years of being treatment-resistant. Noone meeting me today would believe I once was a quite stoic, unemotional person, holding everything in. Today I wear my heart on my sleeve and am much more sensitive to others and thanks to years of therapy, have gained keen insight into others. (Ha Ha this insight and judgment goes out the window all too often as it pertains to myself thanks to BP!)

Until last year, I did not realize how angry I was at my BP. Like you, it was hard enough getting little undertanding and support from others, which, by the way, all the more helped me not look at myself, focusing on others' betrayals.

Over time, I got the anger out which let me better accept my BP - that it was not going away and was something I'd have to live with. The best thing I did was to write a letter directly to my BP and really let it out. Some emotions I found were very telling.

So, it took me years to ask: "What are the gifts of my BP?" There are actually many...getting back to that emotional/sensitivity for one. Some things I just wouldn't change even if I could.

I regularly worry about my BP becoming an excuse for me lashing out on my boyfriend, making paranoid assumptions of his behaviours, & for my impulsivity. After discovering I have BP & becoming self aware of my issues, as well as informing my boyfriend, it's almost as if it is a constant factor in everything I do. I get almost ridiculously preoccupied with it, not because I want to take the blame from myself & reflect it onto my illness, but because I want to recognize the patterns & be able to stop myself. However, that's not working as well as I'd like, but I still try. As long as you remember that you are yourself & your disease does not define you, I think it's no longer a scapegoat for you: You still hold the reigns over what you do & how you handle your feelings. But you're allowed a little leeway because you do have a harder time holding onto the reigns & sometimes your hands slip. But that's no reason to beat yourself up...

[BlackPup]

We are human - we are not perfect, BP is just part of that... go easy on yourself

It's a rocky road for a bit after diagnosis, but hopefully you will find meds that really help you to be stable. T also helps alot. Wishing you all the best for the journey ahead.

[GreenIvy]

After I was diagnosed in my early twenties, it took awhile for I had to sink in. After it did I began to understand more about myself. I was a good kid but made some choices and did some things that good kids don't do during my teens years and early adulthood. I realized the BP had a lot to do with those bad choices and things I did. For those things BP was an excuse. Moving forward I try to be aware of what I am doing and how the BP can influence what I do. Now that I know what I am dealing with I feel more responsible, within reason, for what I say and do. I know that things can still get out of control and that I can make bad choices because I am manic, hypomanic, and/or depressed. Even though I may get out of control or make a bad choice because of BP I will hold myself responsible for correcting it afterwards because even though the BP may have caused me to do it I still hurt somebody. If I said something I didn't mean I apologize. If I did something that hurt somebody I apologize and try to make amends. After I try to correct my mistake I let it go.

I try not to use BP as an excuse now. The people who that would work for already know me and that excuse isn't necessary if I get out of line. Most other people I have dealt with either don't care or don't know enough to understand why BP is an excuse so it doesn't work.

[vjdragonfly]

BP does not define you Morethingswrong. It is just part of who you are. Accepting the diagnoses is difficult, but once you do you can start the road to recovery. I was ashamed when I was first diagnosed but through therapy I gained peace. It is not your fault that you have this disease and yes sometimes we act a certain way because of it. You can choose to do your part in controlling the disease by working with your therapist and pdoc. Take your meds and be honest about what is going on with you, however hard it may be. I'm going on 3 years since I was diagnosed and I still have my ups and downs, but I know it is a process. I also can recognize now when I'm going through a mood and it helps me to battle the things I want to say or do. Don't give up, it will get better .

[kspen73]

I think I try too hard to keep my BP hidden from people and to NOT use it as an "excuse". Maybe that's why I'm often misunderstood.
But, I really hate it when I'm having a bad time and anxiety gets the best of me and i really break down I will leave the room and prefer to be by myself and my husband bugs me about what is wrong etc and when i say I don't know he gets mad and will slam the bedroom door shut. Sometimes I get the feeling that he thinks I act that way on purpose just so I can say it's because i haev BP, who knows

[~Christina]

A HUGE Thankyou to all of you!!!

I am so grateful for everyone that has given me insite on this damn illness. I do agree that at least for me Bipolar wont just become an "excuse" for me ..probably because I am so hard on myself .. Even when i see my T and I say something that is complete " bipolar" my therapist has to remind that what I said or my thought process is definate "Bipolar" . I know hes just pushing me to get me to "really accept " the illness .SO we can work more effectivly on how I can control my impulses.

As for my lack of support of course I wish it wasnt the way it is , but Not much I can do about it right now.. Maybe thats why I have just decided too really not speak to him right now . I am tired of having days where I honestly feel out of control and if I mention it to my husband ,,I dont know its just the look he gives me or something . anyway it stomps my last nerve I have left and I have snapped on him.. event tho at times I really feel he deserves it ,,I realize it does me NO GOOD .. so for now im going to be that quiet chburch mouse and pretty much just stay out of everyones way.

Again I want to Thank everyone for giving me help along this bumpy road

Wishing you all Peace and Love ~

[CruiseAustin]

My mdoc told me that if the meds work then it doesn't really matter what the diagnosis is. That made me think.

Acceptance of having BP has come over time for me. I am a different person today because of it. That is not good or bad, it is just different.

I have a hard time distinguishing what is bipolar disorder and that is really me. Does anyone get this?

Best of luck to you finding some peace with the diagnosis. I have been searching too. Some days are better than others.

May you find the peace you are looking for,
Sharon

[~Christina]

Thanks Sharon ,

I think you sumed it up very well .... It will take time. My Therapist said him and I will work on how to figure out my moods and thoughts and how they are effected because of BiPolar .. He assures me i will eventually feel better and my ups and downs will become easier to deal with. I guess learning all the coping skills will certainly help me.
Thanks