HELP! I d0n't kn0w what i'm doing to myself!...

Either I really wanna prove i'm 'better' or i just pushed self-destruct...
Stopped seeing my T, stopped my meds and am REFUSING to be bipolar ( if that even makes sense ) scared of ending up in hospital and yet i'm enticed by it. Sick hey? I can't be in denial, i KN0W I'm bp... But i d0nt want to be. Now i w0n't take my medz, CAN'T take my medz no matter what little pep talk i give myself. Do i really wanna destroy myself? And why?? WTF am i even doing. I have NOBODY 2 talk to about this, and even if i could,i wouldn't even kn0w how. I'm so scared of myself right n0w...

You have us to talk to! I know exactly what you're saying. I've been there. I stopped taking meds a few months ago, but I did it at a time when I was feeling reasonably well. I was not in a crisis or anything like it. I just hated being bipolar and I hated having to take meds. Well, I was alright for a while. But now I fear I have a relapse coming up. I'm trying to fight it without professional help, but I'm not sure if I'll manage. Please don't do anything rash

I can relate in a way. I was off meds for two years, though for a different reason (everyone said my problems were behavioral and just offered meds to scare me). I have never stopped my meds, but I do sometimes wonder whether I should and should leave this institution, no therapy, etc. etc. But really if you want to test yourself, you should always quit meds under a doctor's supervision. Stopping meds abruptly can be dangerous physically.

Any one can refuse to be "bipolar" or whatever, but it doesn't change the fact. i will always have a mental illness, always, but with meds, and knowing how to take a day at a time, or even moment by moment, i hope to do the best i can. someone said to me, stop all the meds and become normal... hey, when i don't take meds, i end up in a psy ward. and i have served enough time there. from what you posted, i understand exactly how you are right now. i don't think i want to destroy myself, i Know other people do.... so i steer clear of a lot of them. plus they don't care if i destroyed me, but i will not give them the satisfaction.. hang in there.

[quote=Warrioress;2024668]You have us to talk to! I know exactly what you're saying. I've been there. I stopped taking meds a few months ago, but I did it at a time when I was feeling reasonably well. I was not in a crisis or anything like it. I just hated being bipolar and I hated having to take meds. Well, I was alright for a while. But now I fear I have a relapse coming up. I'm trying to fight it without professional help, but I'm not sure if I'll manage. Please don't do anything rash [/quote Every time i stopped meds, i ended up in a hospital. afer each time, i swore, i would never stop meds. but i have been where i felt good, i thought i was getting better, stopped the meds, went to some place in my head that doesn't exist. so back to the unit.. for me, never say never. but hopefully, never..

AS said above you have us to talk to. I am lucky that I have friends that are Bipolar. It realy helps and I can talk to my Pdoc anytime I want.

I convinced myself once that my doctor was just giving me placebos and that going to see him was just a waste of money because I was still having some episodes. It had been a long time since I had any problems and I convinced myself maybe I really wasn't bipolar, just confused about life or something. So after I stopped I had a really bad episode and then felt even more awful afterwards because I knew the severity was my fault for not taking my medicine. Now I've learned that the medicine won't take away all the symptoms but can definitely make them less severe. I think its hard though because when you're up you think "I'm ok, I don't need to take all this crap or spend any money on this, I'm fine!" and when you're down you figure "Obviously this stuff isn't helping, its just a waste of time. What's the point." Its really our choice whether or not to take our meds, but its a hard choice to make when the illness you're taking the meds for confuses you into thinking you don't need/want them.

"Do i really wanna destroy myself? And why?? WTF am i even doing."

I'm sorry about how your feeling but I know how you feel, I've done a lot of self destructive things and even though I know it I can't stop. I hope you find some peace.

At some point, I hope something in your brain says "Call the pdoc" or "go to the PER... just because". I know that every time I have an episode it gets worse. Called the kindling effect. You don't want the next time to be worse than your last, right? I do judo so I hear you- but at the same time, you can get the benefits while on meds. I switched to lithium since I just could NOT stand Depakote or any anti-psychotics. HUGS

Everybody quits taking their meds at times in their treatment.

As for me, every time I did quit, it was with my doctors ok, and I was closely monitored to make sure that if I got sick again, we could restart the meds. As you probably have already guessed, I got sick again and had to resume my medications.

I now have resigned myself to the fact that I will have to be on medications for the rest of my life in order to remain sane. In a strange way, there is a peace that comes with this realization. I have also added therapy to the equation and feel that this has benefited me tremendously.

Bottom line: talk to your doctor when you feel like getting off the meds. Work closely with them, and add therapy to the mix if you like. There are many weapons which we have with which we can fight this disease, and fight we must. Use all your weapons and never give up the fight.

It's like i've hit the det0nat0r, an am waiting for the explosi0n... So ashamed and guilty,yet i can't stop myself. Please pray for me, i cann0t bring myself to... Thanks all for the kind w0rds of supp0rt and empathy, i feel like less of a freak after sharing with you. I just d0n't get why i WANT to bec0me sick! Do i want attenti0n? Validati0n? A thrill? I d0n't get it, i h0nestly d0n't :-(

((((((Trippin)))))))

Can you go back to your T or pdoc, I think that you need some new meds and some help...

Maybe I just need a swift kick in the butt...

My sister kicked my butt, in a manner of speaking... I to0k my medz,just thought i'd let ya'll kn0w...

Give your sister a hug, and have a slap on the back

Hey Pete will do...

So happy that your sister got you to take your meds. again.

I think we all go through denial with this illness.

I was diagnosed, accepted the diagnosis, and then started arguing with my pdoc about how the Paxil I was on was not making me manic, that it was just making me feel good. I questioned my diagnosis for about 2 months, stopped my mood stablizers, and also stopped the Paxil which threw me into awful withdrawals, and my world fell apart.

I then went back to him and started all the meds. again, except for the Paxil, and felt a hell of a lot better.

I now feel relieved to know that there is a name for something that I feel all the time, accept my BP and take my meds. religiously.

Trippin, I am so proud of you for taking your meds. again. Be proud of yourself too please.

I do understand that feeling. When I feel well, I almost want to be sick. Maybe it is to justify the treatments we take. It is like picking a scab so the cut won't heal. At the same time, I don't want to be sick because it sux in a big way.

I am happy you took your meds.

Yup. Maybe if I'm sick I can tune out of the world for a bit. Then I remember (sometimes) that sometimes going off meds really sux.