[BNLsMOM]

Trigger




Last night when I was getting ready for bed, I suddenly had the thought that I was going to kill myself that night. I went in to chek in on the kids, and it was almost like play acting, but I couldn't control it. I was trying to burn the memory of their sweet little sleeping faces into my brain so that it would be the last thing I would remember when I was drifting away from taking all of my pills.

I don't think I am suicidal, but this is a warning that I am getting invasive thoughts, which I haven't had for a while other than a few here and there.

I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to go to the hospital and miss Halloween with the family. I missed it last year because I was at the hospital. Isn't that weird? On one hand I am thinking about leaving them forever, and on the other hand I don't want to miss being with them for a night of fun.

It would be so easy to just give up. Just stop going to therapy (though I find the sessions healing) stop meds, going to pdoc, etc. and let the disease have me. You want to consume me, bipolar? Then take me.

I don't understand my brain, but I do know that it is firing strangely lately. I did leave a message with my T about getting an appointment tomorrow.

[kj44]

Please hang in there!!! I hope Dr, is calling back. Your family needs you, and, if all else fails, go to ER. Halloween is overrated anyways! Thinking of you

[roads]

It sounds to me as if you know this disease is ready to take you (any one of us) the moment you do those things you mention--I.e., drop your defenses.

You've pointed out the irony yourself of wanting to be with your family for one night of fun but contemplating leaving them forever.

Finally, you've asked to meet your tdoc. You know you must.

Insist on this meeting. Print this out & show it to him/her. With this disease, you just can't play Russian Roulette and see how close to the edge you can walk. You can fall off without knowing it.

Hugs & love.

[BNLsMOM]

Still waiting for him to call. He packs his days with appointments and doesn't have a receptionist to take messages for him so he just listens when he can.

I don't think I need to go to the ER, but I will keep it in mind if things get bad.

Wise words from roadrunner. I'm glad to hear that you called your T and keeping other positive options in mind, BNLsMOM. Good for you!

[BNLsMOM]

T called and we made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I have had a few more thoughts in that direction and in these thoughts it's a done deal. The plan(but I don't have a specific plan ( I don't really have a plan, it is like a projection of the future) is set and I am faintly thinking things like "By then I won't be around..." stuff like that. This is totally out of my control. My brain just does it and I am left questioning, "What did I just say to myself?"

This is the stuff that put me in the hospital last year and again in the spring.
If I told my husband what was happening, he would force me into the hospital. He doesn't understand. If he had to he would call the police to take me. I know he is just concerned, but he doesn't get it.

I have been feeing like I don't have much in my life, my kids are the exception,but lately I feel like taking care of them is such a chore. I hate to admit it, but I don't enjoy it right now, and sometimes I wish I never had kids. I think that is such a horrible thought for me to have, but lately a lot of my thoughts have been garbage.

Whatever, I am just talking on and on.

[Detach]

Oh boy, I'm sorry you're going through this.... In 09' same happened to me and I overdosed then went to bed. Was found 7 hours later in a coma, stayed in a coma for 5 days on a ventilator.... Almost died.

You know you need help, right? Hopefully you can manage at home with help from Tdoc and Pdoc, but if not, go to ER....please.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by dijmart

Oh boy, I'm sorry you're going through this.... In 09' same happened to me and I overdosed then went to bed. Was found 7 hours later in a coma, stayed in a coma for 5 days on a ventilator.... Almost died.

You know you need help, right? Hopefully you can manage at home with help from Tdoc and Pdoc, but if not, go to ER....please.

I am really sorry you went through that. It must have been scary.

Were you having thoughts on a front of the mind conscious level as in, "I want to kill myself, here are my plans, do it tonight, etc. or was it more of an uncontrollable obsessive sort of thought. I don't feel any compulsion behind it, but last time this happened, I did end up hurting myself. It went from thought to action pretty quickly, within a few days.

I definitely know that I need to talk to T tomorrow.

[Merlin]

It's scary to have thoughts like that, more scary when you think you might act on them. I am glad that you are seeing your T tomorrow and I hope it goes well. I'll go along in your pocket if you need me. Let us know how it goes.

[Secretum]

I've had that too, though to a milder extent, that eerie feeling that my life will just end, and at my own hand, when I don't even have a concrete plan. Not pleasant...

Don't feel guilty for not enjoying caring for your children right now. You are not a bad mother. You are suffering from a very serious illness that causes you to lose interest in even the most important things. You're not alone, and despite what the depression may tell you, this is NOT the end. You are going to survive this and be even stronger for it.

I hope your T appt goes well, and that he is able to help you gain a bit of control over this monstrous depression. And, of course, do everything needed to keep yourself safe, even if it involves going to the ER. Hope things get better soon.

[Sheba976]

I'm so sorry your feeling this way. I was feeling just the same as you are now 2 weeks ago. I was going to conference for 3 days. My kids were with my parents. My boyfriend was busy with his own things. It was the perfect time, I had a plan, and I was happy about it but...When I am feeling suicidal I always think of my two girls and how horrible it would be for them to grow up without a mother. I think of them crying for me and needing me. I get tears in my eyes even thinking of it right now. I always tell myself to keep going for them, that they need me. I may not be the best mother by being depressed sometimes but I need to be here for them. I don't ever want them to feel as bad as I have felt through my depressions. I need to be here to recognize signs of mental illness so I can get them help early, so they do not suffer like I have. I think of my boyfriend, my parents, and friends who may blame themselves for me committing suicide. I know my bf would blame himself and would go through a horrible depression himself. It would be so selfish of me to inflict all this pain on others by ending my own with suicide. I'd rather suffer through my own pain then spread the "plaque" of depression. Even in my lowest of lows, these thoughts always keep me from doing anything and getting through the night.

I hope your not alone right now. Is your husband there? Have a friend come over. You don't have to tell them how your feeling. Just don't be alone right now.

[BNLsMOM]

I am not alone, my husband and kids are here.

I still haven't told my husband how I am thinking. He only knows that I don't feel well.

[alwaysrejoice]

Youre in my thoughts I'm sorry you are going through this, i know its painful. Those thoughts are not the real you its a disease. Please be honest at your appointment so you get the best help.

[Sheba976]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I am not alone, my husband and kids are here.

I still haven't told my husband how I am thinking. He only knows that I don't feel well.

Ok I'm glad your not alone. Try to sleep if you can. Just make it through the night to see another day.

[BNLsMOM]

I am going to get as much sleep as I can. The thoughts come more at night, so I just have to get over that hump and fall asleep. Then I'll be all set until morning.

[Detach]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I am really sorry you went through that. It must have been scary.

Were you having thoughts on a front of the mind conscious level as in, "I want to kill myself, here are my plans, do it tonight, etc. or was it more of an uncontrollable obsessive sort of thought. I don't feel any compulsion behind it, but last time this happened, I did end up hurting myself. It went from thought to action pretty quickly, within a few days.

I definitely know that I need to talk to T tomorrow.

My thoughts prior to my attempt were of a compulsive "I don't want to be here anymore" nature, however I did think if I want to kill myself I could take all my pills.....I was depressed for a while, then that feeling turned into numbness.

Two days prior to my attempt I told my husband I thought I might hurt myself and didn't know what to do (I didn't have a Pdoc at that time or should I say I hadn't seen him in yrs.). So he said to make appt with our family doc the next day. I told the doc I was having suicidal ideation. He gave me a script for a different antidepressant. I filled it that day with no inward intention of committing the act, however the next morning I got ready for work and looked at my work laptop and saw 25 emails to do this and that when I got to work...... It sent me over the edge, I said to myself as I deleted every single email "Nope won't be here to do that"..."nope won't be here to do this"...."shove your email up your *ss"...etc.

After deleting every email I thought "okay this is it, I can't take this life anymore". I walked to my kitchen got out all my 90 day supply bottles of pills, poured a large diet pepsi and smoked cigs while I took every single pill I had. I calmly went to bed. I had one moment of panic when my feet and hands turned ice cold and numb, but fought threw it and didn't wake up again for 5 days.

When I woke up I was completely disoriented (I was in ICU), couldn't talk because I had a ventilator down my throat, was seeing double, then was told by my family and docs that there were complications when they were intubating me and I now had aspiration pneumonia and pleural effusion of the lungs.... I was on oxygen and antibiotics for over a month!

When I was out of the hospital and went back to my family doc for the pneumonia and told him I actually did have a suicide attempt the day after I saw him he looked at my husband and said "I'm so sorry...I really didn't think she'd do it".

This is why I take SI very seriously, more so then others possibly, because having BP we can be impulsive.... What I did was impulsive, even though I had had thoughts, I had really not truly contemplated when or where or any of that....I just did it. And unfortunately many people including my family doc didn't "think" I would do it, but I did....

Sorry to be so graphic....

[BNLsMOM]

I can see a lot of what I am thinking and feeling in your story. My T is probably going to give me the option of the ER. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

[roads]

What concerns me, BNLsMOM, is that you're not considering that perhaps you are making plans, just not consciously.

You're aware of thinking that you won't be here at some future time, and that's at a conscious level; but our minds work at other levels too.

So please do be honest about this with your doc tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you--from the postings, you'll have lots of folks along in spirit.

[Detach]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I can see a lot of what I am thinking and feeling in your story. My T is probably going to give me the option of the ER. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

It's very important in this state of mind to not have stress.. (if you work- call off sick), do whatever it takes to reduce any stress until your out of the woods so to speak, especially if you don't want to go to the ER.

I say this because you don't know what "might" send you over the edge.... Also, your husband should know, so he can help reduce stress from coming your way (kids, bills, whatever)...

[BNLsMOM]

Ok, making plans on another level and then being impulsive is a scary combination. T is getting the whole story tomorrow. I'll spend some time cutting and pasting my posts onto a Word doc so that I can print it up and share. Now I am nervous for that appointment.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by dijmart

It's very important in this state of mind to not have stress.. (if you work- call off sick), do whatever it takes to reduce any stress until your out of the woods so to speak, especially if you don't want to go to the ER.

I say this because you don't know what "might" send you over the edge.... Also, your husband should know, so he can help reduce stress from coming your way (kids, bills, whatever)...

Tomorrow is slightly stress free because my husband can take the kids off my hands for a while. I'll try not to worry about things like bills, etc. I can sleep in a little, though my son has a soccer game at 10 and there is a Halloween party at church in the late afternoon. I would like to make myself go, but I am not going to force myself, then again, I would be left alone so I should go...

My mind is revving up. I'll take my meds and go to sleep soon.

[Detach]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Ok, making plans on another level and then being impulsive is a scary combination. T is getting the whole story tomorrow. I'll spend some time cutting and pasting my posts onto a Word doc so that I can print it up and share. Now I am nervous for that appointment.

It is a scary combination.
Copying your posts is a good idea, try not to be afraid of your appt -remember he/she wants to help..

[roads]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Ok, making plans on another level and then being impulsive is a scary combination.

I'm relieved that you've realized that. Cut & paste your document then try to get some sleep, okay?
You're going to be all right.

[Charlie_J]

Hi BNLsMOM,

I hope you are feeling a little better. I just wanted to say I was thinking about you, and sending a bit of positivity your way.

I know it's one of those old ideas, but I always find calling the Samaritans really helpful. If you're not in the UK, check here: http://www.befrienders.org/

They'll let you talk it all out, and usually I'll just stay on the phone to them until the thoughts have passed. I'm not sure, but for me I think talking about it can exorcise it a bit, and stop it being the elephant in the room in my head.

I hope your T appointment goes well and you get the help there you need.

Lots of

P.S. dijmart, I wanted to thank you for the candid account of your experience. It's illuminating, and reminds me none of us should ever be complacent with these thoughts.

[roads]

I hope you got some good sleep. I didn't know about the Samaritans--sounds like a good contact. (Thanks, Charlie_J)

We're be sending good, strong thoughts your way now & all day long.