[beauflow]

OK- I think these few weeks or at least this week most defiantly i have been rapid cycling- T said perhaps you are bipolar with rapid cycling- I say IDK- but today I am like omg i think she may be right..

I have been really chaotic this week, ugh so much.. but today was like a kicker and it has made me think a little on things

OK So I work nights, so my "day started yesterday cuz I have not slept" if that makes sense to any one- I got up around 21:30. it is now 11:50 the next day SO NOT SO Bad I don't think-- but god- I got up angry, i was mad at the beginning of work with work crap, then I was ok- like whatever (good that is normal letting things go)... then I get mad about **** again.. then ok, then feel just odd.. then I find out a friend TRIED to commit suicide-- I did not really let that information sink in and I sent off a message- I am not sure what the message was all about for it has been deleted.. My friend deleted his post (on stupid face book) but any ways- so then I am upset, i am crying at work and all --- I get it together finish my job (i had not much to do- Ihad free time that is why I was screwing around on the internet- when I read this news)

Any ways- This morning I have been empty, mad, sad, guilty, upset in general, thinking my friend is mad at me, then joyful for other things, NOT CARING about what ever happened earlier and so on- I could go on. all with in a few hours..

Is this really rapid cycling I have to ask myself. This week has been just booo on beauflow with emotions every where..

On Tuesday afternoon or so I was like I KNOW WHY NO ONE likes me I get it---
Tuesday Night in Wednesday Morning i felt like everyone hated me, and Did not understand why and wanted answers

Then Wednesday morning = IDK what to classify this as- but I went a little crazy- I though my life was a cruel joke- I tried to by a pan, it does not fit what I wanted to use it for, i tried to buy a plate cover for the car- that does not fit- I could not find things to do work, i went crazy with emotional thoughts and all over the place I broke down doing my crazy crying.. I felt numb odd- then I was happy in the afternoon. Before I got mad and went to work-

Sorry that is all over the place- I have been having issues with concentration and focusing gettin stuff done- doing things in one shot (even this thread I wrote some then cooked then finished it before posting it)
Any ways

IDK I get confused-- Therapist says Rapid Cycling Bipolar, Borderline traits, ptsd.... I have to wonder thou some days...

ugh-- IDK ever since the beginning of October it has been going down hill

My boyfriend says the little things don't add up (i keep saying that cuz so much **** has been going ON! and yes the little things add up- espcially if there big things going on).. Boyfriend says that Life IS NOT Math- we don't add them up, they are just little things.. and they don't** matter

UGh I think some of them do-- but then again I am wrong on thinking
that has been proven several times this week as welll
It is not like I am confused but like -- I am not out right cocky all the time, some times I am, but its more like I am just putting pieces together- I am missing the middle or some thing and not gettin it all....

sigh-- i am sorry I don't even know why I am posting this now.

[kindachaotic]

(((((beauflow))))) Really sorry you are struggling so. Can't relate on your scale cause I don't rapid cycle, but can understand from your post why you are so frustrated & confused.
Also finding out your friend almost committed sui sure didn't help.
Sometimes, for me, little things do add up, just depends on who & what try are.

Have you tried calling T cause it might make you feel better going into the weekend, just letting him know what's going on.

Sending many, many good thoughts your way.

[alwaysrejoice]

It took me two hours yesterday to make boxed mac and cheese and canned soup for dinner. I was totally all over the place and wigging out. I too am wondering if I'm bipolar. IDK either. I hope you feel better soon.

[roads]

*hugs* beauflow, & kindachaotic has a good idea about calling your T before the weekend sets in--just to touch base. So much going on for you right now, and a friend's sui attempt thrown into the mix would be too much for most of us.

Don't try to sort it all out now. Try to be good to yourself. Be sure to get some sleep, eat good food, take some "you" time.

[beauflow]

Kindachoatic, AlwaysRejoice, RoadRunner- Many thanks to you all!

I don't call my t cuz Idk why--- She said I could call- she is going on vacation- Part of me does not feel I want to bother her with this me stuff-- like idk why.... ugh-

It is a very good suggestion- it is --- eek this weekend I am to go to my boyfriend's parents- crap I forgot about that-- I am still poking people with sticks cuz I have issues with getting close to them.

my boyfriend is up now though- - he always helps with talking and getting me to a happier state-- i have not told him of the stuff this morning-- geez i cant believe it is the afternoon for me already--

I will think more on calling T- she told me to "write things down if I have to" for our next appt which is in fricking December.. i understand she has vacation- i am glad she does really but still.. akk

[kindachaotic]

If you can print out you post & fax it to her, if you feel comfortable.

I agree Dec is a long wait to see her again.

[beauflow]

thanks kindachaotic! Idk i never noted on her card a fax i could look. But idk. Sigh my boyfriend wasn't feeling well and he's went to work by now. Uhg him not feeling well- That's another upsetting thing though. I keep getting promised he'll go to the clinic but he hasn't. I'm really wondering about him. In all forms. But one i guess intrusive thought- Like why he doesn't want to go- and that i'm his real problem. I keep getting told no, but idk. Just bad thoughts like i'm not his love love :-| eh.
I can't believe i'm still up. I was trying to play Peggle a game i like but still bad thoughts came and went. I keep thinkin about my brother too like i'm worried now- my whole friend thing has made me worry about others that i know have the same struggles as me. Maybe i'll call him tonight to shoot the talk

Maybe i'll call t . I'm sorry i'm scared to. Or idk what it is. Part of me is like i'm not important enough. Or as me with me i always say it could be worse. I would probably say that even at the worse thou :-| Blah. Idk i'm agitated with my animals which is odd for me. :-| i don't abuse them but they piss me off at points i don't like that.
How does a day feel like days or a week and how do some weeks feel like a day. And sadly i probably wont remember much cuz so much in my head. Blah.

Thank you all. I think this will be another post i'll print for my next session. December is far to me right now- but at least it's the first monday in december
Be well all- i'll try to be. probably will be i'm going to try to sleep

[Secretum]

((Beauflow)) I'm sorry about your friend, but I'm glad he lived. I can see how something like that would be very triggering.

On Tuesday afternoon or so I was like I KNOW WHY NO ONE likes me I get it---
Tuesday Night in Wednesday Morning i felt like everyone hated me, and Did not understand why and wanted answers

When you feel like no one likes you, remember that we do! I can really relate, though. I've been living my life expecting people to be harsh with me (and show other signs of hatred) for the past few months. Darn depression.

Then Wednesday morning = IDK what to classify this as- but I went a little crazy- I though my life was a cruel joke- I tried to by a pan, it does not fit what I wanted to use it for, i tried to buy a plate cover for the car- that does not fit- I could not find things to do work, i went crazy with emotional thoughts and all over the place I broke down doing my crazy crying..

I'm not sure if this is exactly in line with your experience, but I often feel like God created me so that other people could look at me and feel better about themselves. I feel like I am the "scourge of the universe". And the pan that didn't fit, etc.? When that happens to me I take it as evidence that the universe has turned itself against me. Crazy? Yes. But our emotions just aren't logical, especially when we are in psychological pain.

My boyfriend says the little things don't add up (i keep saying that cuz so much **** has been going ON! and yes the little things add up- espcially if there big things going on).. Boyfriend says that Life IS NOT Math- we don't add them up, they are just little things.. and they don't** matter

I respectfully disagree (quite strongly, actually) with your bf. The little things absolutely do add up. Psychology has found that "daily hassles" adversely affect both physical and psychological health. And psychological distress can be quantified, so life IS math in a way.

I hope that you feel better soon. December is a long time to wait to see your therapist. Take care of yourself.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I'm not sure if this is exactly in line with your experience, but I often feel like God created me so that other people could look at me and feel better about themselves. I feel like I am the "scourge of the universe". And the pan that didn't fit, etc.? When that happens to me I take it as evidence that the universe has turned itself against me. Crazy? Yes. But our emotions just aren't logical, especially when we are in psychological pain.

^^^^ That is very close to how I feel as well---- I wont go to much into it cuz I don't want to offend any one-- plus for me not being religious- it is irrational and not logical- just like what Secretum has "our emotions just aren't logical, especially when we are in psychological pain. "


I respectfully disagree (quite strongly, actually) with your bf. The little things absolutely do add up. Psychology has found that "daily hassles" adversely affect both physical and psychological health. And psychological distress can be quantified, so life IS math in a way.
^^^ I think he is trying to tell me though that just because a few things go down hill, does not mean it all does-- It just seems like here lately all the **** is rolling down hill to me--- But YES the little things do add up- I agree with that much! thank you

I hope that you feel better soon. December is a long time to wait to see your therapist. Take care of yourself.

^^^^ Thank you- All of you! you are all awesome..

I will try not to be so negative but it so hard some times.. I will try to calm down too---

Like today was odd, i cried out of no where and had to go hide... then I got anxious about a meeting next week and debated with myself of weather or not to tell my supervisor that I Don't Feel Well To come to this meeting, just to get B1tch3d at (That is what I got told cuz she is mad at my team - well the 3 week day people cuz 1 just is not doing anything, 1 is not up to her image of what she thought basically) As talking about the issues with the Lead- I find out that it really has nothing to do with me so why do I have to go? Just to hear her b1tch@us? IDK--- I have decided just to go and if I break down I break down but hopefully not---
(OH She is also doing this the day right before we have to take Mandatory Days off with out Pay Great person right!) So much crap going on-

Thank you all for being here, being someone to talk to.. I don't feel so alone as i have before.... I still feel alone at times, but right now not so alone right now

Be well all! I will try to be well-- I hope I am ok enough and my head aches don't get worse this weekend, cuz I would like to see my boyfriend's sister and kids that we have not seen in a few months.

[beauflow]

Sorry failed so deleted what i had posted. Sorry but i just need a "small break". My boyfriend knows and said ok. He's here so it'll be ok. Just a few shots and i'll go lay down. At least it's just alcohol and not what i really want :-P sorry i know this is giving in but i just need a break. Playing games listening to music isn't workin i don't have the sit time quality right now to do art. I'm not as rapid as yesterday i don't think. But i just need a break.thank you all. No worries i know not to over drink too.