[irishgirl4]

First, let me say, that I am not suicidal. I don't have a plan. I really will not do it.

That being said, I wish that I could die. I want out of this hell. I want final peace. I know that I would do it, and be brave enough to go through with it. However, I cannot do it because I have kids. I do not want to traumatize them for the rest of their lives. So basically, I am alive for them, being tortured by my mind. I am willing to do this, but how? I am only in my mid-thiries. I have such a long time to suffer. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my children, but I am constantly in pain-pain that consumes me.

Not to sound cliche, but I truly wish that I was never born. I don't necessarily hate myself, but I hate my mind; I despise it. I am tortured by a serious eating disorder, and a bipolar condition.

Any advice?

[lad007]

I had those same thoughts for many years, and stayed alive for my daughter, and then my grandson. I was obsessed with the thought that this world is not my home, and I did not want to be in it. You are not alone.
I found a good pdoc and got on some meds so now those thoughts are gone, finally, and I see the pleasure in life, for the most part. Bipolar is a chemical imbalance and if you can find the right meds it is something you can live with. Not sure if you have tried meds, but if you have and they didn't work, please try again.

[kj44]

Meds have helped me quite a bit, totally understand your feeling that way. Its a struggle, but, sounds like you need meds and a therapist, maybe group?? Its all for the best. Hang in there!!!

[irishgirl4]

I appreciate your comments, as I am in a dark and lonely place.

I have a wonderful therapist. He's very compassionate and insightful. I have a very busy, but pharmalogically excellent pdoc. I'm on 400 mg of Lamictal. My doc wants me to take 25 mg of Seroquell, but I can't. I have a history of anorexia, and cannot fathom gaining weight. I'd love to try something that doesn't cause weight gain.

I'm slowly dying....losing hope for me; not my beautiful children!

Irishgirl, I can relate to much of what you say. Not wanting to be here, my kids, the extreme pain, the bipolar, the anorexia eating at your soul. But things can get better, things can change.

If you are still feeling this badly then maybe the lamictal isn't working for you that well. I've struggled for years finding the right meds an trying to avoid the weight gain. Right now I am on two mood stabilizers instead of taking an antipsychotic like seroquel which are notorious for weight gain. Maybe something like that would be an option for you. Right now I am taking lithium and tegretol and it's working good for me.

Unfortunately the right meds are the key. If you are anything like me the bipolar episodes drive the anorexia further. If you can get the right meds it makes a world of difference in trying to get a handle on the anorexia. In turn it is really hard to feel good mentally when we are starving our brain and body of vital food. Not only that but when you are in starvation mode it effects how your body metabolizes your meds making them less effective. So it's really a bit of a circle with this one.

Just keep hanging in there with your therapy and treatment. Try to consider trying some new meds. It really can make a huge difference when you get the right ones. Remember you are not alone in this. (((( Irishgirl))))

[Serenity041606]

I was in the same place as you five years ago. Except I was 16 and didn't think I had anything or anyone to live for. I was so tired of trying new meds. I had been on lexapro, welbutrin, and celexa all at different times and all before I was 15. I was losing hope and beginning to think no medicine could help me. So I attempted to follow through with it. Obviously, I was not successful. I had been admitted after the suicide attempt to an intensive psychiatric facility where they had finally found MY winning combination. (Lithium, prozac, abilify, buspar, and focalin). I must admit, I was pretty upset with my impressive inventory of medication, mainly because no one could promise me that I wouldn't be on all of them for forever. Now at almost 6 years later I am only taking prozac. And I was off all meds until I had a bout of postpartum depression a year and a half ago. I feel like I'd be a hypocrite if I told you to not give up, but I'd like to spare someone else all the pain and struggles I had gone through while I was still just a child. Push for more exploration in your meds. If you aren't feeling well after the the time the meds are supposed to be working, then its pretty obvious you need to change them. You aren't going to keep using the same shade of foundation if it doesn't match your skin color, would you? Foundation is comparable to meds only in the way that there are thousands of options. It may take some time to find your perfect match, but its out there and when you find it you will feel so alive. And be so thankful. Goodluck.

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irishgirl4
So sorry you are feeling this way. I sure can relate. I remember you posting quite some time ago and feeling bad at that time too. Did you have any relief in between? Agree with the others about meds. Sounds like it's definitely time to bring this up (again) with your prescriber. He should be able to come up with another choice.

[irishgirl4]

Goodness you all, I am so humbled by your responses. Alot of times we post here and wonder if anyone even notices.

I ended up doing an IOP program about a year ago. I hated it and got very little out of it. That being said, the Lamictal seemed to help. My weight issues became bad again during the last six months. My therapist doesn't weigh me, but reminds me that the IP recommendations were a bit higher than my actual weight. I saw my pdoc who works with my t. He said that my weight was ok.
He did recommend the Seroquell, but doesn't get the mind games it causes.

What am I to do? Do I ask of a higher dose of Lamictal would help? Is 400 mg a lot? Does anyone know of a mood stabilizer that has no weight issues? I'm seriously at the point where I want to take scissors and cut off my fat!!!!

[faerie_moon_x]

I will say I know exactly how you feel.

My mom died when I was 13. This has been a huge trauma on me. She died of cancer, not suicide. But still, I often feel she had me and then left me here alone to deal with people who hate me.

So I have my sons and my baby. And I don't want them to not have me, even if I'm not "normal" and I'm a mess. I take good care of them, and give them mom, because I don't have mom. But I have those thoughts, too, of how if they were not here I would die. And also, my husband, I live for him, too. Even though now we are going through a rough time. I remember when my mom died and what it did to my dad. I don't know if my husband would have the same reaction, but I know it messes everyone one up when death happens.

When I was a teen I ended up decided to live because my dad was severly depressed by my mother's death. Everyone said to me "he might kill himself." So, I said I'm all that's left and forced myself to live.

I guess some days you can't live for yourself so the next step is to live for others.

[SmilingMask]

Bless your heart! I was in such a dark place a few months ago; I too see a great therapist and amazing pdoc; my meds were great in taking me from that dark place. I'm glad you don't have a plan; I never did either but that truly means nothing; I was made aware of that from both docs; just because you don't have a plan doesnt mean you aren't feeling dark.

Unfortunately I am dealing with weight gain, I take lamictal/cymbalta/atarax/vistaril but to be out of the dark is so much better. I have major food/weight issues which have surfaced lately. You will come out of this; try to stay strong. You are in good, supportive hands here at psych central.

Take Care!

Originally Posted by irishgirl4

I appreciate your comments, as I am in a dark and lonely place.

I have a wonderful therapist. He's very compassionate and insightful. I have a very busy, but pharmalogically excellent pdoc. I'm on 400 mg of Lamictal. My doc wants me to take 25 mg of Seroquell, but I can't. I have a history of anorexia, and cannot fathom gaining weight. I'd love to try something that doesn't cause weight gain.

I'm slowly dying....losing hope for me; not my beautiful children!

[interested2012]

Originally Posted by irishgirl4

Goodness you all, I am so humbled by your responses. Alot of times we post here and wonder if anyone even notices.

I ended up doing an IOP program about a year ago. I hated it and got very little out of it. That being said, the Lamictal seemed to help. My weight issues became bad again during the last six months. My therapist doesn't weigh me, but reminds me that the IP recommendations were a bit higher than my actual weight. I saw my pdoc who works with my t. He said that my weight was ok.
He did recommend the Seroquell, but doesn't get the mind games it causes.

What am I to do? Do I ask of a higher dose of Lamictal would help? Is 400 mg a lot? Does anyone know of a mood stabilizer that has no weight issues? I'm seriously at the point where I want to take scissors and cut off my fat!!!!

I'm sure other people have had a different experience but I had no weight gain with 25mg of seroquel. I didn't start to gain weight until I hit 300mg. At that point I gained 10 pounds that wouldn't budge no matter how much I exercised or watched what I ate. I recently dropped down to 100mg and the weight came off quickly.

I know that others have had significant weight gain that would not come off; maybe others can comment on what dose they were on when they gained weight.

Seroquel has been very helpful for me. It sounds as though you are struggling...it might be worth trying at a low dose. Just my thoughts. I hope you feel better soon.

[mgran]

Hi Irishgirl... I'm another Irish girl by the way. I've been in exactly the place you're at, only staying alive for others. Things did improve with lamotrigine (I'm only on 100) and seroquel (350). The seroquel was major for me, a life saver, but I've got to say the weight gain is very depressing in and of itself. I'm sixteen stone at the moment... I'd come down from sixteen ten to fifteen ten, but it was such a major battle, and now I'm heading in the wrong direction again. The worst of it is that everyone in my family comments on it (except my son, God love him.)

There are apparently "weight neutral" anti psychotics out there... this is something you'd have to talk to your doctor about. I'm going to talk to my Doctor about possibly switching to less fat making meds, since I feel so bad about my weight right now that I could see me going cold turkey, which would be difficult. It's very difficult to get off anti psychotics once you're on... seroquel is a sod for that. So in some respects your anxiety about going on it is probably a good thing. There are other meds out there.

[EverythingNothing]

Really sorry to here this. I feel this way a lot of the time (mostly during the winter) and I'm only around 20 years old. That should put things into perspective for you. Who the hell knows where I'll be in 5 years, let alone another 10?

Congrats, seriously! And you have provided love automatically just by being a mother to your children. This is worth more than any material thing in this world we live in. Please, keep on going, keep on trying to find the treatment that will make life a little more bearable for you.