[Trippin2.0]

I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful whiny biatch, but geewhizz, idk what to do with myself... I feel so ordinary and that makes posting here HARD...

It's SO strange, swinging from 1 end of the pendulum to the other, weekly, then daily, then multiple times a day for years, and then all of a sudden SILENCE...

My head is so QUIET... I've had zero symptoms for 3 months now, and while I obviously welcomed the idea of stablity, I just don't know what to do with myself, and like, who is that in the mirror anyway???

Currently at my niece's house, she's going thru her 1st depression and I just couldn't bare to leave her alone with her own thoughts and a 11 month old... (btw she's 23, so we're more like sisters than aunt-niece) So, while it's cool to be taking care of her, and helping out, for some reason I feel like such a fake.

So, uhm, I don't actually know what the point of this post is, maybe it's just to say "I'm still around"... (even tho I don't quite fit anywhere)

[SeekerofLight]

I know how you feel. I've been stable for years and wonder who I am now. I'd describe myself as a doormat. That's very odd for this die-hard feminist. I'm weaning myself off of my antipsychotic to see how I do. Depression has always been the bigger issue for me. My manias were fun. I'm not fun anymore. So I've been on half my dosage for about two weeks, and aside from some awful withdrawal symptoms, I'm still stable. When I see my doc in 2 weeks I'm going to ask him to cut it in half again and see how I do.

[Trippin2.0]

It's just STRANGE, stability was the LAST thing I was expecting when I quite my meds...

thanks for responding, how are we supposed to adjust to this? it's not like there's a transition period or maybe someone wrote a manual "being stable for dummies" and I just havn't found it yet...

[venusss]

I get that. One feels bored and empty without the drama of your own. I guess the intensity is addictive in a way.

[Trippin2.0]

Exactly, the drama is addictive, and I don't know anything else anyway...
W.e.i.r.d

[moremi]

I really dont think I have ever had a chance at being stable. I have always been intence, impulsive, passionate about everything. The closest I would say would have been during this last depression as I became sort of numb in a way, at times. Other times not and very intense again. I dont know that I would know how to react either. Im very addicted to being manic, and I love my passion for everything dear to me. Sometimes I think I love too much and I become a doormat because I want to make my children happy all the time and they take advantage at times, they run over me w attitude and I try to always bite my tongue with them. I can snap and its horrible so I choose to walk away.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful whiny biatch, but geewhizz, idk what to do with myself... I feel so ordinary and that makes posting here HARD...

It's SO strange, swinging from 1 end of the pendulum to the other, weekly, then daily, then multiple times a day for years, and then all of a sudden SILENCE...

My head is so QUIET... I've had zero symptoms for 3 months now, and while I obviously welcomed the idea of stablity, I just don't know what to do with myself, and like, who is that in the mirror anyway???

Currently at my niece's house, she's going thru her 1st depression and I just couldn't bare to leave her alone with her own thoughts and a 11 month old... (btw she's 23, so we're more like sisters than aunt-niece) So, while it's cool to be taking care of her, and helping out, for some reason I feel like such a fake.

So, uhm, I don't actually know what the point of this post is, maybe it's just to say "I'm still around"... (even tho I don't quite fit anywhere)

Do you have any goals you are working toward?

Sometimes I miss the ups and downs, but then I remember that I need to be as stable as possible to achieve my goals (finishing med school and becoming a doctor).

If you are bored, set some goals for yourself to work toward. You will value your stability much more when you are working toward something where you actually NEED to be stable. Does that make sense?

[captain1]

I've remembered the mania and missed it. It was fun and I was so self-assured. I also remember a monster rearing it's it's ugly head. I don't want to go there, ever again.

[Trippin2.0]

I do have goals yes, 1st on the list is find gainful employment (I was retrenched a year ago) So atm I'm putting my resume out there daily, hoping to atleast get an interview. I know that once I have a job the stability would make more sense to me, but *sigh* I just feel like a misfit, especially here

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I do have goals yes, 1st on the list is find gainful employment (I was retrenched a year ago) So atm I'm putting my resume out there daily, hoping to atleast get an interview. I know that once I have a job the stability would make more sense to me, but *sigh* I just feel like a misfit, especially here

EXACTLY. And you want to be stable for a while before starting work. Imagine you're not stable, and suddenly a job opportunity comes along, but you're not in the right frame of mind to take advantage of it. I guarantee you would regret it. Or imagine you get a job, you start monday, and you have a weekend to get yourself stable and fix your sleep, etc. It's much less pressure to start a new job when you've been stable for a while.

I'm pretty stable too, so we can be misfits together. I'm taking my meds every day, and I've been remarkably stable. So instead of asking for help, I'm mostly researching meds and answering peoples' questions. Maybe you could do the same? It feels good to give back by supporting/helping other people in need on this board.

One thing about being stable is I kind of think maybe I wasn't bipolar after all. Maybe I was making it up, or I was misdiagnosed. I think I'm faking it, that I'm a charlatan among all these people who are clearly suffering right now. Do you feel the same way? It's like I need to be unstable and suffering to 'prove' to myself that I'm really bipolar, or something. It's silly, isn't it?

[Trippin2.0]

Not silly at all! I'm having the same thought patterns, and when I doubt my dx, I read my journal... I am trying to put myself out there and offer support, but at the same time there's this doubt, like what do YOU know? You quit your meds AND are symptom free, nobody's gonna take you seriously, you're not 1 of them...

So yeah, I'm kinda lost, don't quite fit anywhere, and miss the dramatics that has been my life for 12yrs, yes, even the depressions. It's like idk who I am without the drama... STRANGE...

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Not silly at all! I'm having the same thought patterns, and when I doubt my dx, I read my journal... I am trying to put myself out there and offer support, but at the same time there's this doubt, like what do YOU know? You quit your meds AND are symptom free, nobody's gonna take you seriously, you're not 1 of them...

So yeah, I'm kinda lost, don't quite fit anywhere, and miss the dramatics that has been my life for 12yrs, yes, even the depressions. It's like idk who I am without the drama... STRANGE...

LOL I guess I'm just a know-it-all that is used to giving advice, even when it's not asked for.

I'm only in med school and I already think and act like I'm a pdoc. Telling people what meds to take and all. I must be insufferable.

[Trippin2.0]

LOL. I don't think you're insufferable at all
Thanks for putting things in perspective for me, I appreciate it.XOXO

[nacht]

Originally Posted by bipolarmedstudent

One thing about being stable is I kind of think maybe I wasn't bipolar after all. Maybe I was making it up, or I was misdiagnosed. I think I'm faking it, that I'm a charlatan among all these people who are clearly suffering right now. Do you feel the same way? It's like I need to be unstable and suffering to 'prove' to myself that I'm really bipolar, or something. It's silly, isn't it?

Oh thank god, I thought I was the only person who ever felt this way.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by nacht

Oh thank god, I thought I was the only person who ever felt this way.

Definitely not. You know, bipolar is weird because it comes and goes. Everything else I have is constant. My tics and OCD and hair-pulling and ADHD I deal with every single day, so it's a constant reminder that I have it. It's indisputable. Even though it's much better on meds, I still have some tics, hair-pulling, OCD, and ADHD symptoms every single day. So I never question the diagnosis. I never feel like a fake.

But bipolar. Well, when you're in the midst of an episode you usually don't even realize anything is wrong (at least I don't). It's only in hindsight that I realize I was not behaving like myself. And because the episode is always IN THE PAST, by the time I realize I had an episode, the episode is OVER. And I think I'm cured, or that the last episode was just a one-off or that maybe it wasn't as bad as I remember it. I think maybe I'm making it seem worse than it was in my mind. And because I'm on meds now, longer and longer time passes since my last major episodes My memories of my last episode get fuzzier and fuzzier, and I question my diagnosis even more. I forget how strangely I was thinking and feeling during my last episode.

I have actually thought of coming off my meds to see if I have another episode just to prove to myself and to my parents that I really am bipolar.

One thing that helps me is to keep a list of the crap I've bought during manic episodes, and the thousands of dollars I've spent on that junk (and how quickly I bought it all). That's an objective, tangible thing I can look back on and think "yeah, I really am bipolar." I also remember that I've failed a course and lost a job due to this disease. And that I called the cops because I thought my classmate was going to bring a gun to school. Keeping a list of all the crazy **** I've done while manic and everything I've lost helps put my illness in perspective, and reminds me that yes -- I really am ill. I'm not a fake.

gotta be honest & say i am so creative while running a tad fast...get the best photo's, work on my books etc...could so use the crash & burn side but chugging a bit fast...yup.

stable is nice but as you say..a tad boring. i run out of things to say in therapy at times..yeah nothing new or exciting, no drama etc. she just sits back & says..you boring? dull? never. we have 50 years of stuff to wade thru!

When I used to be stable, I used it as an opportunity to find myself again. You need to accept your new self. Next time you fall into instability, you'll have that advantage to base your experiences off of.

[Merlin]

I find that you need to have passion in your life to enjoy the stability. I still get highs, but they're related to reality: getting a new job, finishing courses, spending time with friends, pursuing advocacy work.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Not silly at all! I'm having the same thought patterns, and when I doubt my dx, I read my journal... I am trying to put myself out there and offer support, but at the same time there's this doubt, like what do YOU know? You quit your meds AND are symptom free, nobody's gonna take you seriously, you're not 1 of them...

So yeah, I'm kinda lost, don't quite fit anywhere, and miss the dramatics that has been my life for 12yrs, yes, even the depressions. It's like idk who I am without the drama... STRANGE...

Trippin, I don't think being bipolar (or having bipolar) should be our identity, even though it seems to be so dominant in our awareness of ourselves, and colours almost everything we do.

Being out of an episode, feeling stable, and struggling for employment and passion is yet another part of living with a bipolar life. You are not out of place, or a stranger to us. People who genuinely struggle with bipolar will be well aware of the cycles and not think you an outsider because of it.

It is the people who don't go through what we experience that have difficulty relating to us, and can't understand our perpetual changes. That too is part of the challenge of living with bipolar.

Praying for you.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks Pete
It's just that when I quit my meds, everybody was warning me against imminent disaster. Yes withdrawls were nasty, and the ultradian cycling which ensued was exhausting, but then I woke up 1day like this... And I feel like such a fake. Bcoz even when I had periods of normalcy, I still had symptoms without an actual episode. This quiet stillness is not something I'm used to... Idk when last I felt like this, but it had to have been b4 2009...

[sunshineanxious]

Well, I recently started Lithium and am feeling dulled or "in a haze" especially in the morning.. But it's way better than depression, so I'm kinda satisfied. It goes away in the evening but in the morning it's like,... Blah.

But you actually quit medication? I'd never dare do that, and weird that you're still stable. But watch out for moodswings, they might still lurk in the background?
Anyway, don't feel like a misfit, I am sort of bored some days in this period too.. But better off that way than with depression, I'd say.

[sunshineanxious]

But I think it always takes time to figure out who you are, when you're stable. It's just a new identity, sort of, but that doesn't mean you'll get to like it just as much. Currently I myself am trying to build a stable, but still interesting new me - on a medication that works for the first time in 10 years

[Trippin2.0]

Bpbear you're right, I have to work on the new improved me, thanks!