[argv]

I don't know if this is a bipolar trait, or something else. Does anyone have a difficult (and I mean very difficult) time with the words "I love you?" Do you feel like you're lying when you say it? And when someone says it to you, do you automatically go "why?" or "What do you mean?" I might not say it out loud, but that's what I'm thinking.

I'm just curious, it just came up cause my sister said she "loved me" and it always makes me cringe. haha

[LiteraryLark]

No, definitely not a bipolar trait...just a personal preference...some people do not agree with the term "I love you" because they don't believe people mean it.

I'm someone who says I love you all the time, and I always mean it. Just because I say it often doesn't mean I don't mean it any less.

But then again, some people say it just to say it.

I think it's a personal thing too. But understanding from your other post that you don't really feel love, or I think that's what you expressed, kinda makes sense. I am fine saying I love you to people I actually do love and am close to. And fine with hearing it from the same people. When my bf first said it tho I couldn't and didn't say it back for a while, until I was sure I did mean it. Were you told " I love you " much growing up?

[argv]

Originally Posted by Anika

I think it's a personal thing too. But understanding from your other post that you don't really feel love, or I think that's what you expressed, kinda makes sense. I am fine saying I love you to people I actually do love and am close to. And fine with hearing it from the same people. When my bf first said it tho I couldn't and didn't say it back for a while, until I was sure I did mean it. Were you told " I love you " much growing up?

oh god no!! I don't think I ever heard that. I heard alot of "**** you's" and "get out of here you piece of ****" but not "I love you". hahaha

no, I mean, it's almost painful to say, and I feel guilty saying it. I used to always say "I heart you" because I didn't feel so guilty saying that. haha

Ya I think that huge! I mean if you never heard it, nor felt it, how would you be comfortable it? That's really sad too, every child should be shown love. Do you think it's possible that you might just not yet know what love feels like? Like I thought I loved my first husband, I was young and hadn't a clue what real love was or felt like, wasn't shown that a lot. Finally dawned on me one day that I didn't know, and I didn't love him. Different fom you a bit, but just putting it out there.

All that said tho, really with the other aspects you talked about, seems like a lot is at play here. I do think it's worth figuring out tho, for your own benefit. It's confusing trying to unwind stuff like this, but I really think it can happen. And hey you know, you never know what's at the root of your perspectives and if that can be built upon, until you go looking that is.

I'm responding here VS in the other forum based on Anika's responses.

It definitely has to do with upbringing... Even though I have ASPD, I have developed a way to cope with my lack of affect. Since some members of my family were more caring than others, I figured out how the dynamic worked & broke it down on an intellectual level that I could understand. Essentially, anyone that I "love" is essentially someone whom I've developed mutual respect & can view as vital enough to myself on some level that they become an extention of my own wellbeing...
Granted, should I be slighted, they are gone in a split second. Even with the most miniscule suspicion of disloyalty, they have to prove their way back into my circle. But it's a system & it has worked for me. I love my boyfriend & can comfortably say that. He treats me better than anyone ever has over the entirety of my life, he respects me & all of my flaws, he is incredibly interesting & talented & intelligent... And frankly, I am tired of the "getting to know you & trust you" process that is inherent in developing relationships with people. It's a very comfortable arrangement & I am counting on it lasting for my whole life.
That is a lot of the reason why I joined the forums in the first place. To learn more about myself & others so I don't sabotage myself by making others' mistakes.

[argv]

Hmmmm.. I thought I loved a girl once. My first major girlfriend. But we broke up after 2.5 years so i decided to move with some friends 3000 miles away. 3 days before the trip she writes a 3 page letter, and crying explained how much she loved me yadda yadda. I didn't really care. She pissed me off so I basically said "well..thats nice, but I'm still leaving." I think she still hates me for that. I've been accused of being very closed off and cold by people close to me.

Trying to think back and be as honest as I can, I've never loved anyone... Not to say I am incapable.. But it's more mechanical with me.

I can see myself as a lovable guy, many people like me. I'm funny, fun, and mellow but also have a mean streak a mile long.

Then again, I'm a male.... I think love is notoriously difficult for males, but.. Again, thats just been my experience. Hence the original question.

[Forgive77]

I'm on the exact same level as Argv. It's like pulling teeth from me, unless it's my kids. It makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I tense up when someone says it to me, and I feel such a huge pressure to say it back. Panic attack style. Just talking about it raises my anxiety!!! Breathe must breathe!!

[argv]

I'm glad I'm not alone!! Hahaha I don't know why, but it's seriously painful and I hate it. One of my girlfriends was cool, we just said "I like you" which was more accurate and less stressful.

[Moose72]

This post makes me want to tell my kids I love them more. I took them out flying kites today.

[argv]

Nice!! Please do. I hope it helps.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by argv

Nice!! Please do. I hope it helps.

The 14 y/o let's me show him I lOve him a bit differently than the younger two but we're workin on the teenage thing. :-)

[argv]

Nice!! Please do. I hope it helps.

[argv]

oops. I didn't know my first reply posted. Stupid phone! Haha

[argv]

Originally Posted by Moose72

The 14 y/o let's me show him I lOve him a bit differently than the younger two but we're workin on the teenage thing. :-)

Hahhaha right on.

Yeah, men just process things differently. Couple that with mental disorders & it can get kind of crazy. Not entirely bad, but it can take some chiselling to get to the surface. If I'm going to be with someone, I need to crack them all the way down to their core. I'm a bit on the intense side. So it can be difficult to see eye to eye, even despite the fact that I process things differently than most girls anyway. My last actual relationship was 3.5 years. He was really emotionally sensitive, but acted like he wasn't so he had this big "bad boy" facade. Would flirt with other girls to get attention, would never give me my due appreciation, & refused to take anything seriously because it was too much for him... *shakes head* But... It varies from person to person. If you want a relationship again, best of luck, if not, can't blame you.

[argv]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Yeah, men just process things differently. Couple that with mental disorders & it can get kind of crazy. Not entirely bad, but it can take some chiselling to get to the surface. If I'm going to be with someone, I need to crack them all the way down to their core. I'm a bit on the intense side. So it can be difficult to see eye to eye, even despite the fact that I process things differently than most girls anyway. My last actual relationship was 3.5 years. He was really emotionally sensitive, but acted like he wasn't so he had this big "bad boy" facade. Would flirt with other girls to get attention, would never give me my due appreciation, & refused to take anything seriously because it was too much for him... *shakes head* But... It varies from person to person. If you want a relationship again, best of luck, if not, can't blame you.

I don't even feel like I know someone until we have a nice long deep discussion. I like to know everything, morals, values, ethics, opinions, family, upbringing, etc. I don't like to talk about myself. I might say I liked to skateboard or play drums and tell them that's what I did my whole life. haha, which isn't a total lie.. but.. as if I'm going to tell them EVERYTHING!

Uhm.. I can fake love and stuff. I got that down, even the fake tears at times. I don't even realize how manipulative I am, and I don't even try. it's like a survival thing. manipulate and control.

anyways.. as I go off on a tangent and space out. Uhm.. yeah. I don't care whether I ever date another person again or not. I don't even care about sex. I can do that myself, and don't even have to buy myself lunch. But.... I know I will end up in another relationship, it just happens. Girls like me because I'm a complete asshole. I don't know why they prefer assholes.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. So I'm going to stop rambling.

[moremi]

I think I had more problems when I was younger than I do now. I think now its mostly bipolar issues. Growing up I didnt know much of what love was. It wasnt a part of my family. Well there was my dad and I got to see him sometimes every other weekend. He told me he loved me. It was always very uncomfortable for me. I didnt understand what he meant until I had my own kids and realize now what he was feeling. I know I can remember having to tell my self I should be upset or I should be happy and had to learn to act a lot. I probably would have been a very successful actress. Now I am different though. I think pregnancy changed that. I feel very intence love for my children and their father. I have always been very controlling. I was very strict and sheltered my kids life until 2 years ago when I started going in and out of hospitals and my husband took over parenting. It was good for them. I had them in catholic schools, controlled who I wanted them around depending on what I read out the kids. They couldnt stay the night with other kids, were not aloud to leave the yard even at 10 and 12. Controlled it all, until I lost control of myself. Now I have learned to let go a little and let them live. They are 12 and 14. I think that because of the way I grew up and not knowing that feeling until I had them, I was so scared it could be taken away from me so I held them close at all times. Also sheltering them the way I did they have pretty good heads on their shoulders. I was always brutally honest with them about the sickness in the world, about sex and drugs, about child mollesters. I think I scared them with the last one, but they know to stay safe now. Well I got lost in this but yes love was hard for me when I was younger, not so much now.

[argv]

Originally Posted by moremi

I think I had more problems when I was younger than I do now. I think now its mostly bipolar issues. Growing up I didnt know much of what love was. It wasnt a part of my family. Well there was my dad and I got to see him sometimes every other weekend. He told me he loved me. It was always very uncomfortable for me. I didnt understand what he meant until I had my own kids and realize now what he was feeling. I know I can remember having to tell my self I should be upset or I should be happy and had to learn to act a lot. I probably would have been a very successful actress. Now I am different though. I think pregnancy changed that. I feel very intence love for my children and their father. I have always been very controlling. I was very strict and sheltered my kids life until 2 years ago when I started going in and out of hospitals and my husband took over parenting. It was good for them. I had them in catholic schools, controlled who I wanted them around depending on what I read out the kids. They couldnt stay the night with other kids, were not aloud to leave the yard even at 10 and 12. Controlled it all, until I lost control of myself. Now I have learned to let go a little and let them live. They are 12 and 14. I think that because of the way I grew up and not knowing that feeling until I had them, I was so scared it could be taken away from me so I held them close at all times. Also sheltering them the way I did they have pretty good heads on their shoulders. I was always brutally honest with them about the sickness in the world, about sex and drugs, about child mollesters. I think I scared them with the last one, but they know to stay safe now. Well I got lost in this but yes love was hard for me when I was younger, not so much now.

I don't have kids, and so I'm not sure how I would feel, even about my own kids. As it stands, kids to me is synonymous with "pain in the ***". I think if I did have kids, I hope it's with a really good mother. (like you! )

Gah. My childhood was effed up. My mom, the crazy, OCD, anxiety ridden bipolar maniac, my step dad the alcoholic, my real dad committed suicide. My uncles are psychotic. My aunt caroline was really cool, and recently I found out my uncles almost beat her to death because they thought she stole drugs from them.

Such a lovely environment!! I always thought this was normal as a kid. I thought every kid got beat up at home.

Even people that are very dear to me, and have helped me along.. I can't say "I love you" without either laughing, or smiling or doing something to take the pressure off. I hate it. I'm not too big on family gatherings either.

[moremi]

Originally Posted by argv

I don't have kids, and so I'm not sure how I would feel, even about my own kids. As it stands, kids to me is synonymous with "pain in the ***". I think if I did have kids, I hope it's with a really good mother. (like you! )

Gah. My childhood was effed up. My mom, the crazy, OCD, anxiety ridden bipolar maniac, my step dad the alcoholic, my real dad committed suicide. My uncles are psychotic. My aunt caroline was really cool, and recently I found out my uncles almost beat her to death because they thought she stole drugs from them.

Such a lovely environment!! I always thought this was normal as a kid. I thought every kid got beat up at home.

Even people that are very dear to me, and have helped me along.. I can't say "I love you" without either laughing, or smiling or doing something to take the pressure off. I hate it. I'm not too big on family gatherings either.

Thats funny I hate holidays. I love them for my kids but me myself, I get so stressed out knowing I have to be smiley and happy and I want to do is freaking run away and scream. Thats holidays with hubbys family. My family is nuts. All of us. My mom had five kids and we are all bipolar. Cops are called every holiday and birthday and a lot of pay days because my brothers are also alcoholics. Christmas time, the cops were called but not on me. I waited until they left and got my insanity out. My two brothers got in a huge fist fight right in the middle of doing Santa gifts for all the kids. I threatened to kick both of their assed when the cops left and they know better than to mess with me because I am after all the craziest of them all. All the cops know my family well. If its a birthday or holiday somethings gonna blow. This was my first attempt at celebrating with them in a very long time. I tried to keep my kids away from it all. They are all unmedicated except for my mom and shes on and off her meds which makes it all worse.

Childhood was the worst years. No love, no affection, beatings, sexual abuse. My mother at the time an unmedicated bipolar with an abusive heroin addict husband. My mom never bonded with any of us. I saw it all, stabbings, beatings, needles hanging out of arms, blood shooting across the room when they didnt do something right with the shots, grown *** men with **** and piss all over them, waking up on christmas morning to a drug addict laying on top of our christmas tree. I guess he just passed out standing up and fell on our tree. No gifts but a tree. wtf? ****ed up **** for a kid to see. I learned I had to lie early on because of child protective services. They were called on my family more than quaker has oats. I was the protector of the younger kids. I took all the worst of it. If they went for them I distracted them with something worse and turned the anger my way. I had this uncanning abilty to shut myself down while I was being beat or mollested. I didnt feel it. I dont remember most of it. I have black out problems, didnt remember most of the sexual abuse until around 15, I still have **** come back to me every now and then.

Im a survivor, thats what my best friend tells me. Ive either seen it, done it, or lived it and made it through just a little messed up.

[argv]

Originally Posted by moremi

Thats funny I hate holidays. I love them for my kids but me myself, I get so stressed out knowing I have to be smiley and happy and I want to do is freaking run away and scream. Thats holidays with hubbys family. My family is nuts. All of us. My mom had five kids and we are all bipolar. Cops are called every holiday and birthday and a lot of pay days because my brothers are also alcoholics. Christmas time, the cops were called but not on me. I waited until they left and got my insanity out. My two brothers got in a huge fist fight right in the middle of doing Santa gifts for all the kids. I threatened to kick both of their assed when the cops left and they know better than to mess with me because I am after all the craziest of them all. All the cops know my family well. If its a birthday or holiday somethings gonna blow. This was my first attempt at celebrating with them in a very long time. I tried to keep my kids away from it all. They are all unmedicated except for my mom and shes on and off her meds which makes it all worse.

Childhood was the worst years. No love, no affection, beatings, sexual abuse. My mother at the time an unmedicated bipolar with an abusive heroin addict husband. My mom never bonded with any of us. I saw it all, stabbings, beatings, needles hanging out of arms, blood shooting across the room when they didnt do something right with the shots, grown *** men with **** and piss all over them, waking up on christmas morning to a drug addict laying on top of our christmas tree. I guess he just passed out standing up and fell on our tree. No gifts but a tree. wtf? ****ed up **** for a kid to see. I learned I had to lie early on because of child protective services. They were called on my family more than quaker has oats. I was the protector of the younger kids. I took all the worst of it. If they went for them I distracted them with something worse and turned the anger my way. I had this uncanning abilty to shut myself down while I was being beat or mollested. I didnt feel it. I dont remember most of it. I have black out problems, didnt remember most of the sexual abuse until around 15, I still have **** come back to me every now and then.

Im a survivor, thats what my best friend tells me. Ive either seen it, done it, or lived it and made it through just a little messed up.

That sounds like fun! haha j/k

I didn't have heroin junkies, it was more like bikers (well, they might have been, I dunno) and my mom would just leave me lying some place to go get high.

I'm glad you survived! that sounds like alot of shite. I'm tempted to say "for a girl" because I am a master at accidentally sounding like an asshole. (just being honest again). I think this new drug makes me more honest.. or I just feel better.

anyways, yeah.. family.. hmph! I guess I "love" them or whatever, but they drive me nuts. Not at first, but about 2 hours into it, I start getting antcy. I run out of things to talk about, they're all about the 'babies' and I just.. don't care. haha. At least they know it. This last christmas was funny, they all said "we know you want to leave, your presents are over there.." hahaha. they know me too well.

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by argv

I don't know if this is a bipolar trait, or something else. Does anyone have a difficult (and I mean very difficult) time with the words "I love you?" Do you feel like you're lying when you say it? And when someone says it to you, do you automatically go "why?" or "What do you mean?" I might not say it out loud, but that's what I'm thinking.

I'm just curious, it just came up cause my sister said she "loved me" and it always makes me cringe. haha

I don't think that there is a connection with having a difficult time saying "i love you". I can say it to relatives but it's harder to do so with a man.

But this may be a trait - For me, when I'm in a relationship, it's difficult to accept it when someone says, "i love you". I have asked my bf several times "Why?" with my face scrunched up like "really? why would you love me? what is your motive? are you just saying that?". Every single time I ask why he says, "are you serious? you don't know why?". I can't accept it. In all honesty, I feel like I'm not loveable when it comes to men. And that's not to say it in a way as "woa as me", it's just my reality. For now. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's me...Who knows...

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by argv

oh god no!! I don't think I ever heard that. I heard alot of "**** you's" and "get out of here you piece of ****" but not "I love you". hahaha

no, I mean, it's almost painful to say, and I feel guilty saying it. I used to always say "I heart you" because I didn't feel so guilty saying that. haha

I can relate. This is why I feel the way that I do and responded the way that I did. It's hard to explain...

[Lil Ant Lady]

yes same here! and also i wasnt told i was loved growing up. never kissed or hugged parents or other relatives.

and now i bear the brunt of all that

however, i tell my kids i love them every single day and i kiss and cuddle them all the time to make them know they are loved and in my thoughts 24/7

[Forgive77]

Originally Posted by laura youens

yes same here! and also i wasnt told i was loved growing up. never kissed or hugged parents or other relatives.

and now i bear the brunt of all that

however, i tell my kids i love them every single day and i kiss and cuddle them all the time to make them know they are loved and in my thoughts 24/7

LOL same here. My 15 year old told my therapist that I smother her. LOL! So I'm the polar opposite!