[argv]

Well. I've concluded through reading, asking questions, being very honest with myself (as honest as I can be) and evaluating my whole life that I have psychopath/sociopath traits. I won't say I AM one completely, but I have done things that most people wouldn't even THINK of doing. That being said, I attempt to give, in my own words, a rundown on how one might "roll".

It's a hard conclusion to come to because I don't know what normal is. I don't know how 'normal' people think. But here goes:

Apparently there is a set of rules in place, that society has made. Most people follow them. Others, like myself, don't even see them. The world is my oyster, I can do whatever I want. Start fights, slash tires, break windows, stalk an enemy, steal a sign, paint a wall, drive in the wrong lane, blow a stop sign, eat with my hands, or wear a rubber chicken suit.

I think I purposely don't watch television because that would mean I knew what these rules were perhaps. I really just hate television. It's boring, and stupid and makes me feel dumb even watching it.

Chances are, your close friends know you're a nutcase, but won't tell you. There's a good chance they're afraid of you. Afraid you might blow up, or never talk to them again, or just start throwing **** and go on a rampage. It's much easier to just not say anything. Besides.. they like your psycho. They think it's cool to have the crazy guy as a friend.

You probably grew up hurting animals, being too rough on the playground, and were smarter than all the other kids. You probably also knew you were "different" but didn't really know the extent of it. You were probably a bully, but if you were like me, you liked a challenge. You liked to bully the bullies. This kills two birds with one stone. You look like a good guy, and you still get to **** with people, and possibly get violent.

Later you hook up with a friend or friends and do alot of senseless vandalism. Anything to get a rise out of people, or make an impression. Just knowing that you ruined someones day/week/life gives you immense pleasure. You made your mark on their soul and they will never forget you, even if they've never seen you.

You keep going through life, probably have lots of girlfriends/boyfriends because everyone loves the ruthless asshole that likes to fight and start **** with everyone and anyone that so much as looks at them.

Nobody that isn't close to you knows you're anything but a sweet person. You can turn on the charm at any moment, and even if you were caught beating a guys head in, it's ok.. he was a rapist and tried to steal your girlfriend. You can lie pretty good too, and have lies stored up for certain occasions.

If you're like me (and these are just my experiences, they're all different) you know you're crazy, but it's not like you can do anything about it. There is no off switch and sometimes medication doesn't even help. When you have such fierce anger like mine, medication is like pissing on a forest fire.

You probably LOOK scary. There is something about your eyes that people know you're not innocent or trustworthy completely. However, people try to give you the benefit of the doubt if you act sweet and smile, and you really try hard not to look people in the eye. They eye's can't lie, and you know that.

If you bring your girlfriend flowers, you probably stole them out of someones garden, and might even still have the roots attached. You think that adds charm and wit. When invited for dinner at the girlfriends, you are on your BEST behavior. Talk about your future plans, going to college, make millions, buy a few condo's. You know it's all ********, because you just want to be a tattoo artist but it's not like you're gonna tell them that.

You might be described as being "different". Like you're just a "different" type of person. meaning people don't know how to place you. You're smart, they know that, but don't know exactly what makes you tick, or how you can be so positive all the time and just be the "perfect" person.

You don't like talking about yourself, and in fact will think of a reason to get angry if people press the issue. (red flag!) suppose you're at dinner with the girlfriends parents, they start asking you questions about your early life and you mention a few things (not about the abuse, neglect, beatings, etc). They start pressing for details and you stop eating, gain your composure, and try to think of some good lies.. or you have a mouth full of food, and chew it slowly hoping they will quit badgering you. For some reason, you didn't have a stockpile of lies for this occasion. You really hope your girlfriend butts in, but if she doesn't, you just shrug off most of your details and maintain that your life was pretty normal, no big deal, and you're just a regular kid from the block.

The truth is, you were sexually abused, physically and emotionally abused, neglected, and told you were worthless and a piece of crap, etc. But you, of course, don't mention these things. Not to anybody. your closest friends don't know this stuff. Your family probably doesn't know (unless they were the abusers).

You know certain things are considered "wrong" but either don't care, or believe that those rules were made for "normal" people, and not people like yourself, who is above all people and all humans. Humans are sheep, and you are the big bad wolf. You know how fragile humans are under even the toughest act.

your life is completely empty and void. Without drama to spice it up, it is nothing. but you like it. You like being cold and ruthless. You like dingy hole in the wall places, shady people, and dark basements. You probably have handcuffs under your bed. If you're nice like me, you have fuzzy ones. I used to always have a red light in my room for "romantic occasions". or a blacklight works too.

Probably did lots of drugs, and started early. Had a few friends that were as shady, if not shadier, than yourself. You probably have a friend or two that is 21 and will buy you booze because you seem mature for your age. You are the perfect person, and everyone likes you. People talk about how sweet you are. You do things for people, with the sole purpose of being the star. You want the whole world to like you.. and you prefer they do it without asking any questions about you.

This is getting longer than I had anticipated. Let me know if anyone is interested. I know some people were intrigued by the idea of the sociopath.

[Phoboxyl]

Hands. Down. Psychopath.

Honestly, I'm getting a pure Narcissist vibe here.

I don't have a lot to say, there are no meds for anger tho that I'm aware of. My ex husband once stole me flowers from someone's garden, probably more than once and he too thought it witty. I already told you what I thought he had. But maybe you should post this in the ASPD forum for more feedback. Worth a shot, I'd try the NPD forum as well.

One last thing, you mention a lot how everyone loves you cause you are a crazy *** pretty much, but is that true or only your perception? Not trying to be a disturber, but I would give that some thought. I've been around many like this and I realize that that kind of perception might not be quite reality based.

Argv, I don't know if this is all true, but if it is do you think it might be time to deal with some of the abuse you went through? I know you say you don't really care, but I think that must not really be true. Because you are posting here, gives me some inclination that you do care.

Take care my friend, I hope you find your peace and peice with this!

[argv]

Originally Posted by Anika

Honestly, I'm getting a pure Narcissist vibe here.

I don't have a lot to say, there are no meds for anger tho that I'm aware of. My ex husband once stole me flowers from someone's garden, probably more than once and he too thought it witty. I already told you what I thought he had. But maybe you should post this in the ASPD forum for more feedback. Worth a shot, I'd try the NPD forum as well.

I did.. well.. haven't tried the NPD yet, but the ASPD.. nobody posts in there.

Originally Posted by Anika

One last thing, you mention a lot how everyone loves you cause you are a crazy *** pretty much, but is that true or only your perception? Not trying to be a disturber, but I would give that some thought. I've been around many like this and I realize that that kind of perception might not be quite reality based.

I hear all the time about how people 'love' me. I don't know why or how. It probably isn't reality based, and I know that in my home town, I'm pretty notorious. Now when I walk in to a place, people say "there's the trouble maker." I should have left this shithole town a long time ago. haha

Originally Posted by Anika

Argv, I don't know if this is all true, but if it is do you think it might be time to deal with some of the abuse you went through? I know you say you don't really care, but I think that must not really be true. Because you are posting here, gives me some inclination that you do care.

It's all true, and there is alot more. This is the first time I've ever even said these things, and I'm 35 years old. NOBODY knows these things.

Talking about the abuse will probably make things worse. Or so I feel. The big question: do I feel bad? I don't feel anything to be honest.

Originally Posted by Anika

Take care my friend, I hope you find your peace and peice with this!

Thanks for not judging. I decided I would quit pretending to be a guy that I might not be. All the fake ********. As I sit here I keep thinking to myself "Am I really THAT guy?" Maybe one of them. perhaps it's just narcissism. but I always kinda "felt" psychotic. Like I had super powers sometimes. Like I couldn't control my own actions, or like I was watching myself do stuff. weird. I dunno. but I sure do have alot in common with the symptoms.

Thanks again. I know you guys are really nice people, and I hope not to be judged, but oh well if I am. Not like it's gonna make my life any worse. Or better.

[argv]

Damn. As I sit here and say to myself over and over again.. "Do I care? do I feel bad?" "Am I being honest with myself?" I've always known I had a problem with empathy specifically.

I guess I just don't understand what it's like to feel 'bad' about something. Why would I feel bad? If I did something, I must have had a reason. Last time I thought I felt bad about something was about 2 years ago, I almost killed my ex girlfriend. She was chasing me down the freeway (loooooong story as to how that came to be) but anyways, 80 mph and she tries to pass me on the freeway. I pulled out right in front of her and hit my brakes to which she 360'd into the guard rail (did I tell this story already?)

anyways, I was worried she was going to call the cops on me, so I welled up some tears and pretended to cry (I know I was pretending because as soon as I got off the phone I felt fine). I came over and tried to make things better, but then ended up just getting pissed again and stormed out of her house. Then I went home and sent an email to my boss about her and all her druggie friends taking a camping trip that weekend, to which everyone got drug tested, a couple got fired. her life got screwed. her whole job and everything. So not only did I help screw up her car, and almost kill her, but I turned her in for doing drugs as well. No, I don't feel bad about it. Later I would go on to kick in her daughters one remaining GOOD door to her car after a drunken argument and I had considered filling a visine container full of super glue and leaving it by her car so hopefully she would use it without thinking (I know she still smokes pot) and glue her eyes.

So. how does that sound?

Meh. I'm not really sure, to be honest. What sticks out to me though, is the fact that you're making several posts about whether or not you're a psychopath/sociopath. It's almost as if...you're seeking reassurance from others that you fit that label. The few psychopaths I've seen on this forum, have either been properly diagnosed or just KNOW they are psychopaths, and leave it at that. Sorry if I'm way off base with my thinking, but that's just how it appears from the outside.

No judgement coming from me Argv, just trying to help you map things out. Seriously, I have spilled my guts on here plenty and have been very honest, enough to be judged forsure, people at PC just seem pretty good about that, more so than the outside world maybe.

There is so much at play here, I think it would be really hard to sort what from what. You have got physical/emotional abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, those things right there can have massive effects on you, and no one handles those things exactly alike. Then you have had issues with drugs/alcohol use, I've seen you mention it but I don't know the extent, you also said this started at a young age.

If you really worked through these issues and explored them from the inside out with a good therapist, what I am wondering is what you would be left with after? I don't really like to assume anything, but I am going to assume you are not too happy, you sound like a pretty angry guy. I'm just wondering whats below the anger, and what do you want out of life? Do you want happiness, do you want to feel more, experience the world through different eyes? And do you want the chaos?

[argv]

Originally Posted by melissa.recovering

Meh. I'm not really sure, to be honest. What sticks out to me though, is the fact that you're making several posts about whether or not you're a psychopath/sociopath. It's almost as if...you're seeking reassurance from others that you fit that label. The few psychopaths I've seen on this forum, have either been properly diagnosed or just KNOW they are psychopaths, and leave it at that. Sorry if I'm way off base with my thinking, but that's just how it appears from the outside.

I've known I was psycho long before I got here, I guess I'm just trying to tell folks on here a little about myself. I will stop.

[bluematador]

I am almost envious. I have always had too much empathy with people. I can't ride the bus sometimes because of the empathy I feel with everyone on the bus. So many of the people riding the bus are suffering because of hard economic times. Many of them are homeless. My conscience bothers me over the slightest mistakes. I've been told I am so empathetic it is eccentric. I have often had homeless people live with me. I've been kicked out of houses by roommates because of the bizarre behavior of some of the mentally ill homeless people I have taken in. I do these things but I always feel like I'm not doing enough.

[argv]

Originally Posted by Anika

No judgement coming from me Argv, just trying to help you map things out. Seriously, I have spilled my guts on here plenty and have been very honest, enough to be judged forsure, people at PC just seem pretty good about that, more so than the outside world maybe.

There is so much at play here, I think it would be really hard to sort what from what. You have got physical/emotional abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, those things right there can have massive effects on you, and no one handles those things exactly alike. Then you have had issues with drugs/alcohol use, I've seen you mention it but I don't know the extent, you also said this started at a young age.

If you really worked through these issues and explored them from the inside out with a good therapist, what I am wondering is what you would be left with after? I don't really like to assume anything, but I am going to assume you are not too happy, you sound like a pretty angry guy. I'm just wondering whats below the anger, and what do you want out of life? Do you want happiness, do you want to feel more, experience the world through different eyes? And do you want the chaos?

I dunno. I kinda like how I am, but it would be cool to have feelings and things. Not feel so empty and void, but that's a good question. What's underneath? I have no idea. I've been in and out of counseling my whole life, all I do is talk in circles, and feel like I can't say certain things or I'll get locked up.

So, I live my little life, play music, eat food, sleep, work, repeat. What would I do after therapy? Same stuff. I guess.

as weird as it may sound, I like my little depressing black hole. I think good music comes out of it, and I wouldn't wanna change that. I'm just going to devote the rest of my time on this mudball to learning more about music. Now that I know I'm messed up and it wasn't just a dream or nightmare, I guess I'll do something I like. In the meantime, I'll just try to chill, but I get reallllly bored sometimes. But I'll try, in the future, to refrain from talking about myself on here.. I see it annoys some people.

[argv]

Originally Posted by bluematador

I am almost envious. I have always had too much empathy with people. I can't ride the bus sometimes because of the empathy I feel with everyone on the bus. So many of the people riding the bus are suffering because of hard economic times. Many of them are homeless. My conscience bothers me over the slightest mistakes. I've been told I am so empathetic it is eccentric. I have often had homeless people live with me. I've been kicked out of houses by roommates because of the bizarre behavior of some of the mentally ill homeless people I have taken in. I do these things but I always feel like I'm not doing enough.

That's very cool of you. I wish I had that kind of compassion myself. Even a little bit of it would be nice. sometimes, but like I say, I kinda like my depressing black hole though.

[~Christina]

Arvg .. I dont think you are annoying anyone .. everyone seems to me to be replying in a " trying to be helpful and supportive way " Like 99% of all the people posting on this site.

I also hope you find some Peace with how your feeling now and apparently all the horrible stuff you went thru as a child and thru out your life .

((((((Hugs)))))) If you want them .

[moremi]

You dont annoy me. I like to read all kinds of stuff. I go to all kinds of websites to read reviews and experiences.

I don't think Melissa meant you annoy her. I think what she was saying is that the other ASPD people on this site don't care for others opinionins about their experience, and you seem to care somewhat. The point being psychopaths could care less about one anyone thinks of themselves ( are they? Are they not ? ) That and they wouldn't apologize for annoying anyone ( hands over power ).

That's what I took from it.

It's possible to repress emotion to an extreme. It's protection. You talk in circles with a therapist but what would happen if you didn't do that? I'm not trying to be pushy. It's just that having been in similar places myself, but also experiencing the opposite I realize that life has so much more for me. Sure I do the same thing day to day. Clean, take care of kids, make artful things, physical activity and sleep. But that isn't the true experience in my mind. The compassion, empathy, conectedness to the universe give me so much more deep intense feelings than emptyness ever did. Its hard to explain but I think it's something we all do/can have, and why miss it.

I think it would be interesting to know what's underneath, know the whole self vs. What could just be ego self or skimming the surface. Doesn't mean your going to turn into some mushy guy all of a sudden. And who knows either, maybe there is something there that would make creating music even more powerful. I'm a creator too, I understand the scary thought of loosing it, I felt like that with my meds. But holding back from trying to get the full human experience can also be limiting in ways too.

If you did find out what's underneath and didn't like it, you could always go back to same as before pretty much. Our minds are powerful things, but we sure do like to be comfortable with what we know whether its good or bad. It's familiar. I was watching a documentary last night, they mentioned how one of the minds basic functions/ thought is to do everything in the way the uses the least energy, survival basics. Always doing what we know and what is familiar uses the least energy in more ways than one. Maybe that's partly why we like it.

Likeing your depressive hole actually doesnt sound weird at all, sounds familiar and common. Like I said we like what's familiar, familiar is safe, we know what to expect. Change is scary, hard, and requires a huge amount of energy and effort, and it doesn't feel safe, so we avoid it at all costs a lot of the time.

[lynn P.]

Later I would go on to kick in her daughters one remaining GOOD door to her car after a drunken argument and I had considered filling a visine container full of super glue and leaving it by her car so hopefully she would use it without thinking (I know she still smokes pot) and glue her eyes.

I'll be the odd one out and say I'm not comfortable with violence - endangering a woman's life and trying to blind her. I don't get how coddling this behavior is helpful.

Originally Posted by argv

I've known I was psycho long before I got here, I guess I'm just trying to tell folks on here a little about myself. I will stop.

No need to stop argv. I wasn't saying that you annoy me by any means. Anika is right: I was just pointing out that you differ from the other psychopaths on the site, in that you seem to care what others think.

Keep posting whenever you'd like; that's what the site is for.

Not coddling it Lynn at all. I absolutey am against violence, in any form. I think trying to get someone to realize that they do indeed have the power to change is important. I don't believe that people with ASPD cannot change. It's a personality disorder, we have some control over that whether we want to take responsibility for it or not. It's still there.

I didn't address the violence directly because it's triggering. And there should be a trigger on this thread.

Ok now that said, thank you Lynn for bringing this up. Whether you feel empathy or anything at all violence is never right. I don't care whether or not anyone agrees with societies norms. No one has the right to inflict harm on another. Whether you try to justify it, reason it away or not, it isn't a right. The daughter clearly had nothing to do with this, bringing her into it is clearly irresponsible whether you have empathy or not. Driving someone off the road possibly killing them, or possibly blinding them is not something that can be justified. She is an ex, why not stop contact if you are not going to control yourself??

I don't have the patience to sit around & talk to everyone today, nor the patience to actually read what everyone has said, so my response may not be relevent or touch on anything important having been said here:
Possibly you might be a malignant narcissist, seeing as you're a helluva lot more entitled than I am. That's the factor that ruled out NPD on me. Or alternatively... You're just manic & only pointing out the aspects of your personality that fit you trying to diagnose yourself. You're a bit more than curious if you're posting about it every 5 minutes.

And at melissa.recovering... HAHAHAHAH!! You're not totally off base there!
But I don't think he needs to stop posting, either, as what is therapeutic is simply that... But I have to agree. I mean, there are times EVERYONE needs a little assurance, especially when you're trying to figure yourself out. When I'm manic, I admit, I do tend to obsess over it & even get concerned that I fit the profile of a serial killer. When I'm not, it's just there, just as important as the colour of my eyes. No paranoia about it...
So there's definitely a definable line between trying to figure yourself out & wanting others to have you figured out. And if you need other's assurance, well, I'm not sure where the line blurs between autonomy & psychopathy myself. But there has to be one somewhere.
More often than not, between my bipolar altering my moods & having such a low emotional capacity, it's sometimes as if it's not even there. So I tend to doubt that there's anything in fact wrong at all... Until I get into trouble, that is. :P

One thing I do like about these posts, however, is the philosophical implications. I like being able to think about psychological threshholds.

[Anneinside]

I find argv's posting to be disturbing and triggering. This is a support community and he isn't asking for support, he is just spewing vileness. I answered once on the first thread about being a sociopath to give information about diagnoses. Now this post and no more. I don't like to be negative in this forum but negativeness is how this thread started.

Are you bipolar, do you belong in this community? Are you just looking for attention?

[argv]

I don't know. 4 months ago I attributed all my behavior, thoughts, and all craziness to being ADHD even though it didn't make sense.

Maybe I'm not a sociopath or a psychopath. maybe I'm just bipolar, and am manic, and forgot to take my meds (which I did).

Part of me wants to say "Hey, this is my thread, and if you don't like the contents, no one is forcing you to read it." I understand how curiosity works. I was really kinda hoping some other person with ASPD could tell me if my list was correct or not, because that was just a list of a few things in my life that I've done, or thought, or whatever.

All I'm really sure about, is that I'm never happy, and never have been, and I want to know why. why can't I just be content? why can't I just "be". Maybe all I want is attention. Maybe I just feel like being an asshole. Maybe I want to see how people respond to potentially triggering phrases and sentences. Perhaps this is my way of getting to know how people REALLY are.

I don't know.

*and I don't condone violence at all. I'm simply saying that that's the kinda stuff I do, or think about.. and that was before my diagnosis of bipolar, when I still thought I was just deficit of attention and hyperactive.

[Moose72]

Keep Posting! I think it's good for you.

[argv]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Keep Posting! I think it's good for you.

Thank you.

[argv]

I'm wondering if anyone happened to see the question mark at the end of my title, which says to me "I'm curious if these are the actions of a psychopath / sociopath, or if I'm just bipolar" That is the ENTIRE point of this thread. I'm hoping some ASPD people are lurking around and could tell me, since no one posts in the ASPD area.

grrrrr..

ASPD doesn't exactly make for a close-knit group of people. Sometimes they talk a lot, sometimes it's a dry spell. Maybe try psychforums.com? Mike used to go there before he got banned... I've never had too much to really 'express' over in the forum in question, so maybe psychforums will be more active? I've been trying to assist you, but I am only one person. And frankly, I think multiple perspectives may quell your neurosis on this matter...

And don't take **** so personally!! Hahah, it's just a forum of nutjobs. You don't have to be here either. You don't have to ask other people for their opinions. Just sayin'. Not that I have any issues with you, but just some friendly advice!