[Lauru]

My pdoc says I am in a mixed episode right now which is very dangerous. I am severely depressed, but instead of having no energy, I have the energy and motivation to kill myself, and in a rather violent way. This is unusual for me as usually my suicidal thoughts involve rather passive methods. My anger is out of control, so much so that I put myself in danger of self harm and suicide. I haven't self harmed in a long time, but the urge now is so strong.

Has anyone else had this type of mixed episode, and if so, how did you deal with it. Right now I am obsessed with why my life is not worth living. I know this is the mixed up thinking of mine when I am depressed, But I just can't change my thinking right now. The pull is too strong. Any help, or any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. And yes, I see a pdoc and T regularly. They know what I am going through and we are all trying to keep me safe without going inpatient.

[Merlin]

Mixed episodes have always been the most dangerous for me suicide-wise. The combination of depressive emotions and racing thoughts as well as excess energy is a ticking time-bomb. I am glad you are in contact with pdoc & T. That was something I was never able to manage. I was too afraid of being hospitalized to share. Or, perhaps, I didn't want anyone to make the choice of "to be or not to be" for me.

It's been a while, fortunately, since I've felt that way. When I have mixed symptoms these days, I pay attention to sleep making sure I do not go more than one night without sleep or more than 3 nights with less than 5 hours. I take sleeping meds at that point. I make myself exercise to burn off energy. I also spend time with my parents or anyone else that can stand my rapid, and often rather loud, speech.

[cocoabeans]

I've been there. Remembering that it is bipolar and if you can manage to wait it out will help, uhm, sometimes I've developed a belief that I'm already dead so, there isn't any purpose to suicide like, I won't die anyway but, then I try har, proving myself right...um.

Only thing I can say is, it is bipolar. Wait out the episode. For the majority of people with bipolar, even bipolar depression rarely lasts more than 8 months, typically, mixed and mania are shorter.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi Lauru,

I have dysphoric mania and mixed episodes quite a lot. It is a very dangerou time, I agree. I am much more likely to SI, and my suicidal thoughts are most prevelant. This is when I have my episodes. It's like an erruption. I try to think of bipolar as the weather systems inside my head. Sometimes it's sunny. Sometimes it's raining and drizzling. Sometimes it's a tornado. And I think of suicidal thoughts as lightning. sometimes they are just the flashing in the sky far away. But sometimes they are right there coming in to strike. They are temporary, but they can be deadly.

The first tip I have is not to be alone. Learn to be aware of when you think you're close to an episode and just have someone there with you. I find it doesn't matter if they know where I'm at or not. Just having someone around is a big help. My family members often serve as a buffer without even knowing it. I try not to have any serious conversations. This is not a time to discuss problems or concerns. Its best to have them there doing something else like watching tv. It's kind of like being under observation without actually being under observation.

I try to focus on other things. Trivial things. For example, I'll watch tv. Not the news or anything dramatic. Sitcoms work wonders for this, especially ones with a laugh track. This doesn't mean I'm laughing or paying much attention or having fun, but it does help bring a focus point off of myself. This is actually a little trick I learned away back in high school, and it always works out for me.

Because my mind is racing I'll also do something else at the same time. Again, I try to make it something trivial. For example, I look at humorous pictures, like those cute cat and dog pics with funny captions.

Another thing that helps me with the dysphoric racing thoughts are games like Tetris, or other match 3 games like Jewel Quest. Games that have very specific little goals. I love match 3 games. I am horribly unproductive during these periods, but this gives me something to fidget with. I now even carry match 3 games with me everywhere I go with my phone. I can play a match 3 game, watch t.v., and look at funny picturtes at the same time.

Things I avoid are looking at Facebook, watching or reading the news, looking at old photo albums or year books, watching sad or dramatic shows and movies, or go on any forums I know are argumentative.



Take care of yourself. You will get through this. You deserve to get through it.

[hamster-bamster]

Not realizing this is bipolar, and being BRIEFLY alone, I had a major attempt (barely survived, as if by magic) out of that state. So, yes, they are dangerous. In hindsight, I think that Zyprexa for just a few nights in a row would have done the trick. You do not have to take it forever keeping putting on pounds - just as a PRN. See what your doctor thinks about it.

[Lauru]

Thanks all for the replies and concern. I really appreciate it. Since I last posted, I have gone back to cutting myself. I haven't SI'ed in a long time before that. Like, I SI'ed once in four years. I am also wanting to drink but so far I have been able to stave that off. I saw my T today and told her the truth, she is having me go to Intensive Outpatient 3 times a week. Hopefully that extra help will keep me out of the hospital and alive.

Lauru, I am so sorry you are feeling this way! Mixed eps suck!

Please, please hold firm on the not drinking. The last thing you need, especially at such a time, is any lowering of inhibition or increase in impulsivity!

I want to share the following personal experience, hoping you find it helpful. Your post resonated. And so, here goes... I've fairly recently been seriously avoiding drinking and have found it to be a better choice than I had even imagined it could be. Those few times I've caved -- even slightly - every single one produced regret in terms of resulting behavior (been having a hard time lately and let loose things that were most unhelpful to an already overwhelming situation), and the effects to physical and mental states have been negative as well. As mentioned, it's been a rough sled lately, and so much of the time I've desperately wanted what is going on in my head to be, well, different, better, not so damn noisy, unsettled and bouncing all over the place (not mixed, but quite messy). So I hear you -- the temptation is there. BUT I've found that there's what I *imagine* having one will accomplish, and then there's reality. They don't match.

Sending you many thoughts for strength.

[Merlin]

I think the IOPs do a world of good and I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.

[Lauru]

I start IOP on Wed. I've been there before. Right now I just feel so helpless, worthless, and ruined. I have no hope. I have been so hopeless I am afraid I will always be like this. Always having good times with bad times right after. I am tired of this roller coaster. I don't know what would happen to me if I didn't have family to help support me. I guess I would be homeless and starve. So there is a blessing in that. But I wish I didn't have to rely on others because I get so sick and can't take care of myself.

[Merlin]

Others have hope for you and belief in you. Can you hold on long enough with that hope till you feel it yourself?

[sweathers81]

I think that Zyprexa for just a few nights in a row would have done the trick. You do not have to take it forever keeping putting on pounds - just as a PRN. [/QUOTE]

I was just taken off of that(zydis) but I've never been diagnosised with bipolar, just depression,anxiety. So far after 10 years it was the only thing that worked but i gained weight so he took me off and i have to wait till fall to find something else. So far your the only person I've seen take that, at least briefly. I was wondering if you had any suggestions on what else could work for Me?

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Merlin

Others have hope for you and belief in you. Can you hold on long enough with that hope till you feel it yourself?

All I can say is that I will try.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by sweathers81

I think that Zyprexa for just a few nights in a row would have done the trick. You do not have to take it forever keeping putting on pounds - just as a PRN.

I was just taken off of that(zydis) but I've never been diagnosised with bipolar, just depression,anxiety. So far after 10 years it was the only thing that worked but i gained weight so he took me off and i have to wait till fall to find something else. So far your the only person I've seen take that, at least briefly. I was wondering if you had any suggestions on what else could work for Me?[/quote]

Could you elaborate on what symptoms you are having and what needs fixing?

[BlackPup]

Lauru thinking of you, hope things improve soon, hold on tight until they do

[lbrown1]

I will pray for you, I have mixed episodes often! The worst mixed eipisode of my life happened last year, lasted way to long 3-4 months, It was the first time I ever attempted to off myself, and I had it justified in my own mind!? now it sounds CrAzY! Im not sure how I made it through it honestly, I didnt want to. My mom made me go see a dr and get on meds... I took them for a month and stopped. I guess it was long enough to pull me out of the mixed and I stayed depressed for many months after. Now Im like a roller coaster.. Day to day I never really know what my mood will be until I wake up.
I didnt want anyone around me during my mixed episodes but I hated being alone, people drove me crazy and I would go psycho on them BUT if you have someone in your life that understands Bipolar and knows you dont mean everything you might say and loves you.... HAVE HIM/HER STAY WITH YOU. dont let yourself be alone.. Its to easy to follow through with the bad thoughts.. I attepted and I woke up a week later and hadnt a clue what had happened.. my kids 6yrs and 3yrs were devistated had no idea what was goin on either. I hope I never go through something so horrible again. I have a great family and they watch for me to cycle and keep an eye on my behavior, They drive me nuts when Im depressed, lecture me about being responsible when manic and help me with my kids so I dont disrupt their stability in life. AND my mom wont let me be alone if she senses Im in a bad place mentally. She really disrupts her own life to watch over me. Im so blessed to have my mother.

Pray and keep positive people surrounding you! You just have to fight it and not let it win!

[fletch33]

My mixed episode landed me in the hospital. Do not be afraid to seek treatment if you need it. Asking for help is actually a huge strength. Also, if you have a local 24 hour crisis number, I would call it if you need to. That helped me.

How are you doing, Lauru? Thinking of you.

Originally Posted by Lauru

My pdoc says I am in a mixed episode right now which is very dangerous. I am severely depressed, but instead of having no energy, I have the energy and motivation to kill myself, and in a rather violent way. This is unusual for me as usually my suicidal thoughts involve rather passive methods. My anger is out of control, so much so that I put myself in danger of self harm and suicide. I haven't self harmed in a long time, but the urge now is so strong.

Has anyone else had this type of mixed episode, and if so, how did you deal with it. Right now I am obsessed with why my life is not worth living. I know this is the mixed up thinking of mine when I am depressed, But I just can't change my thinking right now. The pull is too strong. Any help, or any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. And yes, I see a pdoc and T regularly. They know what I am going through and we are all trying to keep me safe without going inpatient.

this moved me....it's horrendous to be aggresively stalked by yourself.!

......some people fear others and some others just fear bad luck.

how convenient how envious I am of those ones...
it makes perfect sense to be safety conscious and regard the world as a dangerous place an unpredictable environment...

it's a shame when it's personal over-ride and tragic super-unlife presents itself and so convincingly to us and for a damn while too long enough to believe it is right

[Anneinside]

Originally Posted by cocoabeans

I've been there. Remembering that it is bipolar and if you can manage to wait it out will help, uhm, sometimes I've developed a belief that I'm already dead so, there isn't any purpose to suicide like, I won't die anyway but, then I try har, proving myself right...um.

Only thing I can say is, it is bipolar. Wait out the episode. For the majority of people with bipolar, even bipolar depression rarely lasts more than 8 months, typically, mixed and mania are shorter.

Wish that were so, but we are all different. I have had 2 two year long depressive episodes and my mania/mixed often last a month or so.

[Lauru]

Thank you all for the replies. I just got off a 5150 hold at the local psych hospital. I went in voluntarily but they, wisely, decided to put me on a hold so I wouldn't leave to hurt myself. It went well. I was in a safe place when I needed to be. The first day I was one on one, no peeing or showering by yourself even. that really sucked, but probably saved me from attempting inpatient. I have been to this hospital many times before, so everyone knows me including the doctor who was actually very nice. I hadn't been there in 3 years or any other hospital in 3 years, which is very good for me. So I am here again, attending IOP again on Friday, with follow up with group, psychiatrist, and T within a few days. I am very lucky. I almost didn't make it this time. Luckily I went in before I lost all ability to control myself. I highly recommend to everyone who may need it. It works, even if all it does is keep you from hurting yourself. Thanks all again for the replies. You're all great!

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad you are safe I'm glad that it was what you needed and you were able to get there safely. And of course that your back

[hamster-bamster]

Welcome back, Lauru, very glad to hear your news.

[ktbelle373]

I truely feel the for you, the pain you are going through comes through in your words so powerfuly, i have tried suicide in the past a few times, and thank god it didnt work because i am better now and i love my life, if you have feel you have nothing to cling to, no reason to be here, think about your family, even if they are upset with you or have distanced themselves from you they love you with all their hearts. the devasation you will leave behind will be far more painful to your family than the pain you are feeling right now. please believe me when i tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there is always HOPE! just take it a day at a time or an hour at a time if you have to, dont think to far in advance. PLEASE take care of yourself, down the road you will be glad you did. you will be in my thoughts and prayers

[ktbelle373]

Also the last thing you need right now is to drink, if you feel you have an alchol problem go to an AA meeting, I am a recovering alcholic as well as bipolar and aa saved my life, i wish you all the best!

[tnlibrarian]

No advice but lots of hugs and sympathy. I'm in the exact same situation. Right now I just wish everybody would freaking leave me alone so I don't blow up at anyone or start crying hysterically.