[chester1066]

Hi there,
I posted here a few weeks back but can't find my post - I've also moved house so don't have regular internet access!

Im a female dating another female who has bi polar. We've been seeing each other for just over a month, so not long at all. She has told me on and off over the last month, that she is not feeling that well and at one point in the last few weeks, took a week off of taking meds (she takes 5 different meds). We have had some really nice times, and some other slightly odd times - a real mixture. We had an opportunity to spend some nice time together this weekend, and she told me she was really looking forward to it - me too. However, it took a turn for the worse and within a matter of hours she told me she wanted to be alone. I mistakenly phoned her and asked her if i could stay at hers, thinking this would show her that I care and that I don't want to run a mile because of the bi-polar (which she said most people have previously). But I was wrong - she reacted really badly to this, saying she told me she wanted time alone and that I hadn't honoured that. She has now gone home to see her parents (about 4hours away). I talked on the phone to her, apologise for whatever I had done to upset her and told her that I cared and that I was there if she wanted to call me. She was angry, blunt, distant and very cold. I then got a voice message telling me she was ill, and getting more and more ill - and that she can't deal with the emotion of seeing me. She said it tips her over, every time she enters into a relationship. Ultimately she told me she no longer wants to be with me. This has been in the last 48hrs. Its gone from really nice, to really awful.

Please help me to understand. I desperately want to contact her, but am too scared Im doing everything wrong.

Im trying to 'stand still' as opposed to running forward trying to remedy what I know can't be remedied, and not to withdraw. Im doing nothing and its killing me.

Ive never experienced her being this angry. I know she has gone through a manic stage in the last 2 weeks. Is it 'normal' that someone with bi polar would dip like this after? She started taking her meds again a week ago. She shouted at the doctor and got told not to go back again?? Would this be the effects of not taking meds? of taking them again?
I just want to understand - i like her so much.
Thanks all

[Melmo]

Im sorry you are going through this. The girl you are/were seeing sounds a lot like me, sadly. I go from being excited to seeing someone I am dating, to not wanting to see them at all, just wanting to be alone. I don't know what to say other than give her some time. Don't call, don't contact her at all for awhile. I know when I am in a mood where I want to be left alone, I get very annoyed with someone calling/texting me constantly.
Anyways, good luck.

[Victoria'smom]

Between med withdraw, mood swings, and whatever made her choose not to be on meds. I'm not surprised. I am a super *itch when getting off meds the worst part is I don't care because I'm powerful and if they really had a problem they are welcome to leave. I would text her "Here when you need me." and leave it in her court.

[Lauru]

Be there for her by waiting and not judging. Do NOT contact her. You will scare her and push her farther away. Her emotions and behaviors based on what you have told me are very common in someone who has bipolar. This has to do with her, not you. Just wait and giver her time. If she is interested in you at all, she will come back. The anger is very common after a manic, when you are coming down. Just breathe and wait. That is the best advice I can give. Good luck

[~Christina]

My advice is give her space, alot of space. New relationships can be emotional on anyone, then toss unstable Bipolar in the mix ... yeah tough times.

Good luck

[chester1066]

Id like to say thank you for all the feedback to my request for support on this. What Im hearing is to not contact her, to give her space - that is what you have ALL said, so this is the advice I am going to take.

I am a social creature and love nothing more than to be in contact with someone a lot, especially when i want to share news, or want to hear theirs..so this is going to be really hard for me. But what I know, is that this is a billion time harder for her, and that is the key to this. Its not about me, it is about what she is going through. I want to be there at the other end, should she want me when she feels safer and more secure in herself. We live an hour apart, so theres no chance we will bump into each other. I have contacted one of her close friends via Facebook and luckily she has got back to me about this. She has told me that I should not contact her for a while and that she needs her own space. I definitely now know that this is a way I can help. I think I'm a pretty patient person, but I also feel so useless not doing anything. And the waiting is killing me - its only been 48hours but we talk everyday, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day on the phone. The gap this has left in pretty enormous. I really care about her though and I must honour this. I really do appreciate everyones support here, you ve helped me to understand this particular period of time.
So thank you xxx

[Victoria'smom]

I also feel so useless not doing anything. Right now you'd help her by making sure you take care of yourself, and enjoy yourself. Take yourself on a date, enjoy your hobbies or anything. It doesn't help to standstill because that's a lot of pressure on your girlfriend. Adjusting to meds and healing from an episode takes time. You could be waiting 3+ weeks to get back the girl you originally met.

[canacrip]

I also have a friend who does this. I've known her a few years now and it is still painful when she does this. I've learned, though, that if I leave her alone, she will come back around. I miss her in the meantime, but I've learned to accept this about her. I think she appreciates this, too. She is so afraid of others abandoning her that she has this way of pushing those closest to her away. It's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Be patient. She will be back and she will probably be very happy to see you are still there.

[chester1066]

Thank you again for the support.
I have to say Im struggling today.Last time we spoke was Sunday morning (and it wasn't a nice conversation ) and its now Wednesday. I know that doesn't sound like a long time but Im wondering how she is, how she is feeling. I know I need to look after myself, and Im trying to - I'm getting early nights, I'm going to work, I'm still doing things I like but all the while I have her in my mind - will she come back to me? Does she hate me? I can;t stop these things going over in my mind. I even wrote out a text, to myself and saved it in my phone, in the 'draft' section to remind myself not to contact her in any way - i know that when i go out this Friday night drinking with friends, that I am prone to trying to contact her. And I'm trying to find every way I can, not to do this.

Thanks everyone for the words x

[chester1066]

Miguelsmom, you suggested texting 'here when you need me' - and I really want to do that..im still not sure i should even make that move? I desperately, desperately want to but Im scared. I can't help but think that she thinks i don't care if i don't make any attempts.. just a week ago she left me a lovely voice message telling me that she thinks I'm fantastic, and that most other people would have left by now, and that she thought that said something about the kind of person I am.... I don't think its about me, its about how you feel about someone and how prepared you are to stand by them. And I am, I really am. Argghgh sorry to go on, Its just really killing me inside. Im trying so many distraction techniques its unreal!

My situation is similar. My friend and I have been together since February of this year. We had one date way back in high school (34 years ago) remained friendly but went our seperate ways. We lived two completely different lives. 2 1/2 years ago my husband succumbed to cancer and he divorced. Neither of us knew much about our lives until we met up in February of this year. He explained his bipolar,depression and adhd. We have developed a sensational friendship but I must admit that I am falling in love with him. He doesn't want a relationship and has asked if I could just be his friend and I said yes. It is difficult when he goes silent for a day or two, sometimes a full week. He recently had med changes and on top of it, this seasonal change. His new quiet time is aroung 6:30 or 7 p.m. which leaves me but a couple of hours after to work to visit with him and the weekends. He thinks its odd that I stick around. I am learning to deal with it because he is worth so much more than he his given credit for. There is a beautiful song by Jason Mraz and it was performed by Jason Mraz and Daryl Hall on Live at Daryl's house. Its a performance that touches my soul. If you check it out on youtube you might find that the words are so full of truth and desscribes at least for me, the way I feel and what I plan to be to my friend. He likes a different style of music but appreciated and understood me better when I sent him the video. I hope this helps..

Oh the song is "I won't give up" and its Jason Mraz and Daryl Hall.

[chester1066]

Thanks for the suggestion of the record I've not listened to it yet, mainly because i think it will make me feel too sad?
I just heard of the girl Im mentioning - she's called it off. No reasons, just that i annoyed her when i called her the other night and asked to stay over. That was it basically. And thats that. She said to me, as cold as frost, "do you have any questions?" - like I was at a school. She doesn't think our personalities matched - I said I was calling because i actually cared about how she was feeling. she said that was nice, but not really helpful. Followed by 'so, you okay with us just being friends then?' and 'just call me when you feel like it'......im sitting her in amazement.

[Anika.]

Hmm the last bit there that she said to you,

I think I would take as her actually calling it off. And it could be that was what she was trying to do, and did not have the guts or communication skills to do it in an upfront manor. So she may have went in a little circle of excuses there. People do that all the time. People are also good at taking or projecting there experience or response to something onto someone else... your calling her, to me seems like something she could have talked to you about, and tried to understand your reason for doing so whether it annoyed her or not. Her saying you had not honored that, but she also offered no explanation and just took off.. what is she honoring exactly? It takes two to tango, bipolar or no bipolar.. a relationship is about the needs of both people not just one person.

I could be wrong, but this relationship is new. And I hate to use bipolar as an excuse for everything when there is so much more room for other things to be at play. Personality, people with bipolar all vary, just like everyone else. They way people think, their issues, how they handle relationships, the why's and how's... too varied to pin it all on bipolar in my opinion. Getting into the habit of bending over backwards for someone in any relationship, no matter their issues is probably not a good idea. It's one thing to ask for some space and another to shift entirely, ask for space and offer no reasoning at all. You are supposed to take all her feelings into consideration here, and she is not willing to do the same back. that is what I am getting from this. I don't think that is reasonable, despite any dx. To me that would be being a door mat. It's kind of early in the relationship to be asking for so much of you. She has also been verbally aggressive with you and slept with her ex in this time? From a different thread. She also told you she would hurt you.. and from the sounds of that thread.. lacks boundaries and respect for others feelings, yes blunt, but that is what I think. Actually she doesn't really sound very nice.

I know you feel sad and hurt, and it is a hard time for you. Just try not to sit there and take the blame for what happened.. To me it doesn't sound like she is taking much accountable for herself or her relationships with others, perhaps not even her own stability. Maybe she is not ready for relationships.."she can't deal with the emotion of seeing me. She said it tips her over, every time she enters into a relationship." That is hers and she has to own it, that has nothing to do with you. She said every time she enters into a relationship. So it would seem to be a pattern and it's hers, you can't fix that for her.

I am sorry you are hurting, keep taking care of you.. it will pass.. breakups are never easy

[chester1066]

Anika, thank you for your reply - im at work so cant write an elaborate response. But I appreciated your input and yes, I do believe we are over. Just like that.
I know she finds getting into relationships really difficult, but i have been really supportive of that and never told her it was a problem. I am hurting so much, in fact it wont stop going over in my head. I do know though, that 2 previous partners shes spoken to me about, have said that she's been a b**ch to them...why would she tell me that? Its like shes saying this is what im like, if you come into a relationship with me, this is what to expect and its your own fault if it goes wrong and you cant handle it. But to me this is clearly not taking responsibility for your own problems?
Thank you so much for your reply and honesty xx

[moodiegirl]

Hi Chester,
I'm really sorry you have to go through this. But maybe it's for the best, though I'm sure it doesn't seem so right now. I agree with everything that Anika has said. Having bipolar disorder is no excuse for treating another person badly. I hope you heal from this relationship soon. I really feel for you.

I am so sorry for your pain. ANd moddiegirl is right in saying that it's no excuse for treating someone badly. I really don't think you did anything. She is just not ready and perhaps she's trying to spare you from her own insecurities in order not to hurt you.

[chester1066]

Thank you, both of you, I think you re right in saying she wanted to end the relationship but wasnt sure how to - for whatever reason she has in her mind. Im not sure what happened even, im puzzled. She wanted me to stay at her house, she invited me back she said she couldnt wait to see me...and then Bam! She didnt want me there. I dont think she can handle any emotion in her life, seriously. What i didnt add, was that she has a best friend who is in love with her and an ex boyfriend who is now one of her closest friends, who also told her he still had feelings for her - that was all over the weekend that she split with me. A lot to deal with, I admit....but I am here -ive been here from the start and ive been SOOOO cool about it all!! ive never judged her saying all this to me. Ive asked if i can do anything when shes told me she feels like poo or shes manic, or shes down. Anyway no good me going on, i just feel very rejected right now. But thank goodness for you lot and this forum - xxxx