[Passion222]

There's a guy I actually feel I'm in love with. I would love to be with him
But he and I are both married. We've messed around on and off for years and I ended it not too long ago. Now we have this flirty thing happening again where I'm just drawn right in. Fighting it so much. Dying to see him and crawl all over him. Yup I'm married and here I go again. I'm meeting my girlfriend for dinner and avoiding my cravings to drive to his house. Damn!!!!!!!!

[Passion222]

With all my insane stories, this has been my ONLY true "feelings" relationship

[hamster-bamster]

Now I see why you selected your username!

[manic most days]

I'm walking away.... Sorry kinda gotta on this one~ **** who am I kidding I am 2 years out of a 10 year marriage because he cheated WHAT THE **** ARE YOU THINKING?!?!?! I certainly hope there are no children involved and if there are I ugh nevermind!

[cocoabeans]

Why?

Apparently "why?" Isn't an acceptable post so, I'm mentioning that. More words and the site will let me submit.

[Blue Poppy]

I don't understand why you stay married when, by your descriptions, you live like you are single.

If you would like to be with someone else, at least end your marriage. It is not fair to toy with your spounse's life. How would you feel if he had a lover other than you?

[Clinte89]

I think thats just wrong if its a temptation then thats not a very good thing. I imagine you should put yourself in his shoes and imagine what it would be like to be cheated on like that. I agree with bluepoppy at least end the marriage first so you dont crush the poor guy.

[BlueInanna]

Passion, you're calling it temptation, so sounds like you don't really want to do this with the guy. Maybe you do need to treat it like an addiction. Just get his # out of your phone and try to forget him. You're too susceptible to the temptation right now, be careful!

[Passion222]

I understand everyone on this one. I'm
Disgusted with myself too.

[BlueInanna]

so... ru ok?

[Passion222]

Maybe I should leave this group out of total embarrassment. I'm sorry. With you guys being so truthful (what I need) I'm wondering why I even exist. I'm
A horrible wife and obviously not being a good mom. I don't know why I do what I do.

[cocoabeans]

Originally Posted by Passion222

Maybe I should leave this group out of total embarrassment. I'm sorry. With you guys being so truthful (what I need) I'm wondering why I even exist. I'm
A horrible wife and obviously not being a good mom. I don't know why I do what I do.

Oh don't be embarassed online! You're anonymous. I really don't care what you do enough to judge and this is just a message board...I don't know you from anyone else and I may feel for you as a human but, what you do or what happens to you can't really matter to me. For all I know you're a 15 year old girl, rather bored perhaps and making things up...I made up characters online at 15!

I'm just curious as to why you're drawn to cheat when you have a husband. For me, it doesn't make much sense. For you, it gives you a question to explore.

[BlueInanna]

no Passion... people here are bipolar too, it gets intense sometimes. anyone who's harsh on you for looking for support and being honest, they need to practice compassion, and take a look at if they're so perfect or not, and think about how they'd like to be judged. that is my opinion.

seriously, all those judgmental comments... they're bipolar, they know hypersexuality is a symptom of bp... i thought everyone knew that. doesn't mean everyone experiences that symptom... the responses suprised me honestly. maybe they're trying to give you a harsh dose of reality so you don't do something you regret and get mad at yourself.

post topics can get all sorts of opinions and responses from people. put it to your own use to make you stronger.

[Passion222]

Thank you Blueinanna
I went right to bed last night (phone always says I'm online) feeling like the biggest #%!& up ever. I already know why I cheat on my husband. Of course this doesn't make it right. Heres the story of my husband and me--I got pregnant with my first daughter at 20. I was still going to school and lived at home with my dad who was my best friend. I had to tell him I was pregnant and within a hour of telling him, be had me in church in front of the priest confessing my sins and insisting I'm married ASAP cuz no daughter of his would be having a baby out of wedlock. He was very strict Polish-Catholic. Had me married in a week. His whole family never came to wedding because my mother in law said I need a abortion and didn't want to know the "gold digging slut). I knew I loved bill but as a great friend. I could never find that love that I hoped I could. So I went through the wifely motions. Never accepted from them until recently they're warming up. My dad felt horrible through the years and offered to help me pay for a divorce. He saw I couldn't love my husband. My husband has hardly any sex drive and is honestly the coldest person in bed. He never "went down" and I would ask him to try and he won't. He barely touches me. Like I have thorns on me. I continued to be a good mother and even have another daughter 4 yrs later. I love my girls with all my heart and have a wonderful relationship with them. Just now I have the dark side I began years ago. I craved attention and wanted to be "wanted". My husband started "online relationships" I saw he'd send body part pics to women and say "show me your feet" (yup foot feet) or my wife didn't give me any-are you online?? That was years ago when things went through email mainly. I stumbled upon those emails. He never initiates sex honestly and at this point can care less. I should divorce him but I hold on for kids. I know that's wrong thing to do. Just hate to throw their comfy life off. So the double life comes In. I really would love a real loving relationship. I'm always looking for passion as my name says. I tattooed passion on my leg. Means someday I'm hoping I'll find it. Most guy Ive been with I'd ask them to "make love to me". Always want it passionate. Unfortunately alot of times I just want sex like a human being and have to go elsewhere. My pdoc and T have both met my husband. Both say we are very wrong for each other and they feel his coldness. They were amazed by how cold he is. My friends know he is too. My life has spun out Of control way too many times from my head just being so depressed and exhausted from this life. Really would live to go start
Fresh someplace else. This isn't a pity story--just points out how I've tried for years to accept my marriage and do things right.

[Passion222]

I'm not 15. I'll be 40 next month.

[manic most days]

I'm really sorry i was harsh with you hun I really really am obviously that is just a huge trigger with me it makes me no better then you, I find that I usually go off and walk away to not go further. It is a sore subject with me I have a very angry little boy and a hard time being single after so long. HOWEVER I will honestly admit I am glad he did what he did because obviously he really did do me a huge fsvor. My only request from you is IF you do it again maybe it is time to discuss divorce.

[Clinte89]

Wow well I can understand why you would seek a relationship outside of yours. I sont blame you for wanting to be wanted all of us want that. My parents where kind of like this I assume either one of them where cheating on each other not sure if my assumption is true or not but either way they where wrong for each other and on us kids it made it difficult to live with. Basically saying I dont think it will hurt your daughters like you think, because they may be able to sense it to. I thought you would be hurting him but it seems he is hurting you. Sorry I shouldn't have commented without knowing the story. Your just wanting what everyone wants so you do what you have to in order to find it. I hope you stay here it really is a great place and you shouldnt be embarrassed things happen and I think your doing what is natural. It sounds like you would be happier out of the marriage.

[hamster-bamster]

Do you think your current crush is a marriage material (if you have ever thought about him from that angle)?

[BlueInanna]

glad you are ok-ish and came back i knew you left for the night, no worries. but.. you might not want to have yourself always logged in, if your husband is tech savvy at all...

i know you feel bad about cheating on him. And it's hard to make the divorce decision with kids involved. but your kids are pretty much grown right? you're same age as me, got married at 20 too. So now you need to consider the life with just you and your husband... doesn't sound very loving or fun... you shouldn't have to settle for a dead relationship. I dont know your financial situation either, that would be a big factor in leaving the marriage as well.

[treehugger727]

Hey, Passion

I know it can be really hard to keep going when there is that coldness in the relationship. My son's dad and I were only engaged (thankfully never married) and were together for almost 12 years. For the last year of our relationship we slept in the same bed with about a foot and half between us, no sex for 11 months. The year prior to that was sex with no kissing or passion (I used to call it hooker sex because it felt sad and bad to me )

I hung on also because of my child. The last thing I ever wanted was to break up my family. The thing is, my son could tell that there was sadness and unhappiness even though I always tried to put on the happy mama face. He could see through it. It got to the point that I realized that I was doing this for my son, but what I felt I was really doing was showing him that this is what relationships look like: no sweetness, no hand holding, no friendship, no conversation, no passion. My point of all this: I didn't want him thinking that this was what a "normal" relationship looked like. Ending the relationship was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I told myself and now know it to be true for me in my situation: the right decisions to make are often the hardest.

Several years later when I finally got to the point where I didn't even want a relationship, totally done with dudes- I had all I needed with my son in our own little duplex with a cute little yard. Then I met my bf. And now I can show my boy what a reciprocating, healthy relationship looks like (even though our fam is a little dysfunctional at times) there is love, respect and kindness there. All things everyone deserves. Yourself included.

Be true to yourself, hang in there and feel supported whatever decision is made or path you take. We are all here for you.

[Blue Poppy]

Originally Posted by Blue Poppy

I don't understand why you stay married when, by your descriptions, you live like you are single.

If you would like to be with someone else, at least end your marriage. It is not fair to toy with your spounse's life. How would you feel if he had a lover other than you?

Passion, I am sorry I was judgemental. You caught me on an off moment and it is a trigger topic for me as well.

I hope that you will be true to yourself. Only you can make the decisions that you need to for your own health and well being.

[Passion222]

It's ok Bluepoppy. We all have our moments. God only knows I'm the queen of my moments. I appreciate everyone's input. I'm still so happy to be on here with you guys. Feels good I can express my ridiculous life. I really hate things right now and you guys have all been lifesavers. Seriously!!!

[Passion222]

Treehugger I believe my kids see it. Actually I've had talks with my 18 yr old. She understands how I feel. She actually said "mom it's like you grew up and Dad didn't" it's been 20 yrs and I agree wholeheartedly. Don't think she would be shocked. Just very sad. I am working part time as a dental assistant. If I went full time id be able to make it on my own. Just been trying to be here for my kids. But maybe a change is really needed. Prob why I'm on here. For support to move on past all the demons n

[Passion222]

Hamster this guy and I have talked marriage and kids and exchanged "I Love yous" but he's married too. He actually took the step and separated from his wife. But he is still in counseling. The crazy thing is he's my financial advisor. He takes care of a trust my dad left my kids when he died. This man has been through so much with me and knows my whole life. I do love him so much. And yes i would actually leave my husband for him. We've discussed this but i want him to REALLY want me and not question his marriage. As much as I care for him, that's his demon. He can't let go yet. But I can't judge him because look at my ridiculous life I'm hiding into

[BlackPup]

Sending you loads of hugs and support. it sounds like you are in a terrible situation. I hope you can find a solution that makes you feel happy and appreciated finally. Wishing you the strength and determination that you need to get through this trial.