I feel consumed by bipolar. My depressions are awful. I just started getting over a hypomanic state where I nearly lost everything about a month ago. It's still lingering. I'm agitated. I see my T once a week. I chart my moods. I take pills for this everyday. I come on here. I'm trying to make changes in my life to gain control over this but it all adds up to feeling more and more consumed. The meds aren't working. I have zero coping skills and I'm terrified of my next episode because I know I will lose it all for sure next time. You guys all go through this too. Do you ever feel consumed by this? It's left and right, up and down, in my cabinets, on my calendar, in my relationships, everywhere.

[BipolaRNurse]

I can really relate. Bipolar consumed my life for MONTHS after I was diagnosed; it wasn't until late July and August that I finally became less overwhelmed. Then the light changed, and it's been a roller-coaster ride since Labor Day. I'm not as overwhelmed by it now, because I recognize that most of this is situational and will resolve on its own. One cannot medicate away all of one's discomfort, after all. But I totally get what you're saying, and send you lots of

[BlueInanna]

yea i feel consumed by it sometimes. and sometimes have a lot of worry about the next episode. one coping skill i watch you use is rationalizing your thoughts/feelings. this is something my pdoc teaches me, we do talk therapy in addition to meds. what it means is that you analyze/rationalize, in other words really think through or talk through the problems and worries in the head to come to more perspectives of the situation. you're doing it here in this post, expressing what you're feeling, what you're worrying about. so i see you having more coping skills than zero.

why are you sure you'll lose everything during next episode? is it because they keep getting worse? that was a big worry for me - but last episode was not worse, i was aware of it while it was happening, so i'm relieved, cautious still, but every step i take is no longer totally consumed with worry for the next episode. people here helped me with coming to that perspective too.

i believe in you, i think you have more coping skills than you realize, and you have experience. if the meds really aren't working, that's something to look closely at. imho, why keep putting the stuff in your body if it's not working. it taxes the body and we're already sensitive enough as it is. just my thought, talk to the pdoc of course, don't quit anything cold turkey that's dangerous, you know the drill right?

Thanks for the replies!

Yeah, meds I'm on aren't working but I get to see pdoc today so we'll se how that goes. I guess I have a couple coping skills but It doesn't feel like it. Just being able to talk about the stuff isn't good enough for me to manage my moods.

Yeah, my episodes keep getting worse and if my next episode is anything like the last, I know I will lose it all. My husband is giving me one last chance but I don't blame him. I put him and unfortunately the kids through so much.

I know the drill and I won't quit my meds.

I just feel like how am I supposed to find a balance or any sense of "normalcy" (whatever that is) when bipolar bipolar bipolar is being thrown in my face everyday? I dunno, maybe I only feel this way because I am still new to the diagnosis and because I'm still trying to make sense of it. I'm still trying to make sense of my last episode. It's hard to wrap my head around all this. Maybe I just need to find a new perspective.

[Anika.]

It takes time to get a grip on this bipolar stuff. And I know we feel like " I ain't got time for this". I think for a lot of us we experience a worsening after dx. Maybe because now it has our attention, now we are really looking at it. And feel confused about what to do, which adds stress, which pushes the bipolar. Also the meds, while they are being new to us, added, switched, dose changes, and we know that these meds also can cause symptoms of bipolar, they same ones we are targeting to treat. I think we can see a worsening. AD's can cause mania, ad's can cause depression, ..... and so forth.

But it's important to realize that even it if seems to worsen sometimes, it can also improve. Mine worsened for 7 years straight and at a nice pace, I really thought that was it, but now I am not having full on episodes, I am not having many symptoms at all. I really did not think that could happen before. Bipolar does have flexibility to it. In that 7 years I really thought I was doing everything i could, and everything I had been taught. Only I wasn't actually taught too much, and some of what I was taught was very wrong for me, and some of it was just not really truth. Things started to click, like magic moments things started to make a lot more sense.

Perspective is massive in life, and with bipolar. So that can be a really big tool for us.

But yes it's still new, and when you wake up listening to illness, talk about illness, have appointments for illness, and meds for illness it's really overwhelming. We have to be careful not to become too involved in participating in illness, cause well.. that will make us more ill. So we have to look for ways to participate in being well.

It happens to a lot of us, and it happens in physical health too, becoming over medicalized, it's consuming. We can get lost in it.

You do have some coping skills, I can see that as well. And you will gain more and more if you keep seeking them out.

Sometimes we can't make sense out of an episode, specially if there was no sense in it, or the sense that was in has left the building. But looking at what has happened doesn't hurt, it helps us know prepare. But don't drive yourself nuts thinking about it either.

[Clinte89]

In the beginning I let it consume me well it comsumed me for over several years before I acknowledged it was there I got my dx and then the feeling of being consumed really took off because like you say you try to do everything you can to get better. I found that doing that drove me nuts so I stopped I just was me and if I had an episode hold on and if not enjoy it. That's what I would suggest don't immured yourself to much because yeah it's something you have to deal with but it doesn't have to be who you are.

Anika, I do not dwell on the episode, it's just a mixture of everything. Maybe instead of looking at things as bipolar, bipolar, bipolar, I should just look at this new diet and exercise and meditation as a way of staying healthy. All of that at least is what anyone, bipolar or not, could do to stay healthy. Thank you for letting me know that it may not keep getting worse, that there is hope.

Clinte, that's just another thing. I know there's a big controversy about "I am bipolar" vs. "I have bipolar" and for a while there, I considered myself as being bipolar because for as long as I can remember, it's been so ingrained in who I am but now I am trying to convince myself otherwise. I think that will be beneficial once I actually get to that point. I suppose I need to first fully accept that I have this illness and that is a tough one to wrap my head around fully. Perhaps you're right. Not that I should quit caring or stop trying but maybe I should take baby steps. Instead of suddenly immersing myself in all of these new changes -diets, exercise regimens etc. - maybe I should gradually ease myself into it. Little by little. Maybe then I won't feel so consumed if I give myself a little time to adjust here and there. Thank you.

[Anika.]

Slow and steady wins the race, Is that what they say? I think so, sounds like a wise plan.

i do feel consumed by it.

and everything else i go through too.

blah

So she doubled the dose of this Latuda crap. I hope it works! She's also thinking of adding Klonopin the next time I see her in two weeks depending on if this dosage adjustment works. Ugh. Anyone have experience with Klonopin?

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by TheHighPriestess

Anika, I do not dwell on the episode, it's just a mixture of everything. Maybe instead of looking at things as bipolar, bipolar, bipolar, I should just look at this new diet and exercise and meditation as a way of staying healthy. All of that at least is what anyone, bipolar or not, could do to stay healthy. Thank you for letting me know that it may not keep getting worse, that there is hope.

Clinte, that's just another thing. I know there's a big controversy about "I am bipolar" vs. "I have bipolar" and for a while there, I considered myself as being bipolar because for as long as I can remember, it's been so ingrained in who I am but now I am trying to convince myself otherwise. I think that will be beneficial once I actually get to that point. I suppose I need to first fully accept that I have this illness and that is a tough one to wrap my head around fully. Perhaps you're right. Not that I should quit caring or stop trying but maybe I should take baby steps. Instead of suddenly immersing myself in all of these new changes -diets, exercise regimens etc. - maybe I should gradually ease myself into it. Little by little. Maybe then I won't feel so consumed if I give myself a little time to adjust here and there. Thank you.

Yes, exactly, here you go. you have just talked yourself through it and came to the perspective that is healthiest for you. you have this power, none of us directly said ease into it, baby steps, etc. but what a perfect plan! See you can do this, you've been doing it all along. the bp dx can't change who you already were, just your perspective. it is good to question everything, even your thoughts and feelings. but believe in yourself too. there's a reason that you resonate with the key 2 of high priestess and what she stands for wisdom, intuition, mystic vision. you have this in you, you're doing great.

About the klonopin, i take them i think they're helpful. takes the edge off. i try to take them sparingly because you build up a tolerance to them and they begin to feel not as effective pretty fast. they're also deadly addictive like alcohol. so don't get too attached to them, but for right now, sounds like it could help you get through this time. i take 1-2 at night to help me relax and sleep. just try to look at that one as a short term fix. you don't want to be on it for years.

I think you've got the right attitude, High Priestess, and things will get better. You have a good psychotherapist and adding Clonazepam (Klonopin) is excellent. It's so helpful for sleep and short term anxiety.

About thinking so much that you have bipolar: listen to me, please. Consider this to be a cerebral allergy. You will find out as you go along that more than anything it's a combination of having things in your diet that you didn't know could accumulate in tissues and organs and give you reactions like these.

Keep your diet "clean"; you know what I mean by that--we've talked about it so much recently.

Meditation helps; spiritual resources (in reading) are excellent.

Sleep is vital. Get on a regularly scheduled sleep time and adhere to it.

Watch your diet like a hawk. You cook for your family; give them the best in green vegetables, salads, etc. Watch what you drink like two hawks!

Keep yourself hydrated with purified water. Don't eat anything that has sugar in it and don't drink coffee, either with or without caffeine, same with tea, and chocolate, (especially chocolate is bad for me). Do the lemon thing when you feel agitated (about every 4 hours -two lemons ought to do it.)

Give yourself space for quiet during the day. Provide the children with a quiet activity that they might do to give you some time of your own. You're running a family and that is stressful.

Remember, consider this a cerebral allergy that can be tamed with diet and meds.

If your relationship with your husband gets too close for comfort, talk to your psychiatrist about that, particularly. I really don't like the idea that he is giving you one more chance. He needs to work with you, not create more tension for you or be a catalyst for fear.

Take care and let us know how you are feeling.

Thanks, Blue, for all your kind words and encouragement. I appreciate it.

Genetic, thank you so much for all your advice recently on diet, etc. As for my husband, he does not create tension in that sense. He is fully on my side and supportive. I don't blame him for the one last chance thing. A person could only take so much. He has made 4 rules: No drinking, no drugs, no cheating, and no moving out. I think this should be expected from anyone in a relationship, especially one that involves children. I hurt them and I don't want to do that again.

As for the Klonopin, she hasn't prescribed it yet. She's waiting for my next appointment with her in 2 weeks to see how my dosage increase works out. She's on the fence about it because of my history of drinking and drug abuse and I can't say that I disagree with her. But she also thinks that I've been getting too little sleep and the agitation and anxiety is a concern as well. But with the dosage increase of Latuda, taking it last night for the first time at dinner, I was asleep by 8:30 and slept a good 10 hours! It was like taking Seroquel without the grogginess in the morning. I won't be taking it that early again!

Sounds good, High Priestess. Yes, I think your husband is right to request the things he has asked you to correct.

Keep up the good work.

Genetic