OMG! What do I do?

Oh, OK. I totally missed your point. I honestly think he would be relieved if I wanted or pretended to want to see other people, because it would give him the go ahead in his mind.

I see. Then I am wrong.

Hello BNLsMOM,

I think that you should discuss seriously about it because if he doesn't be attracted in you, then why is he staying with you if he wants to date other people?

I hope you are feeling better.

I honestly think he (maybe subconsciously sort of) is just waiting for you to end things because he's not man enough to do it himself. That's why he told you these things. He's going to make you the "heavy" in this.

If that is the case, then I think the best thing is to quietly see a lawyer to learn about the options. Are you able to spend that kind of money invisibly to your husband?

I bet he might change his tune if you change yours. My ex acted like I was hideous without makeup and had me do botox and hated the veins I my legs and had affairs with strippers. Now after i've left, i'm oh so sexy and the only woman for him and his muneca. Blek. He just wants what he can't have or something. Making me feel crazy and unattractive and worthless was part of the way he controlled me. Also threatening divorce was a way to manipulate me. When I actually divorced him, he was devastated. I was shocked. Mine also forced me to have sex even when I had separated ribs and really
bad utis. men like him are all about control.

Sex with a really bad UTI - how horrible is that! The rest is unpleasant as well. You are probably glad you have left him.

Yes, I have a passbook account that he wouldn't notice if I borrowed from. I am not sure I am there yet, but I would use the same lawyer who did my last divorce. She was respectful and got me a pretty high child support check.

That is wonderful that you know whom to go to: tried and true is always the best choice. I am glad to know that you would not need to frantically look for legal help.

Morals, principles and boundaries aside, to me a relationship (of any kind) is much like a financial transaction, except the currency is different... If what I am getting out of the relationship, doesn't match what I am putting into it, I AM BEING ROBBED! Would you condone being robbed financially? No, so why do you condone being robbed emotionally?... No judgment here,I'm not in your shoes,nor have I been,or will I,ever be married. Just wanted to provide a different perspective. You deserve better...

Well, that is a good framework for discussing relationships. Using this framework, an open relationship could be a solution - it would stop the robbery. You would stop putting your 100% in the relationship with your husband, and hence what he puts into the relationship just might match what you put - you would be equals. But you clearly do not want it. You are very clear on your goals, and you cannot physically pursue them with your husband. So, you (eventually) need a new husband, and you know now very well which features you do NOT want in a guy. That knowledge - what features are a must and what features are thanks, but no thanks, is a good outcome of your marriage. Not all is lost - you have learned something valuable. Good luck with the next man!

I had something like that happen in the past with my exhusband and he was already cheating on me. I hate to say it and don't want to upset you more. But when a man tells you he doesn't like the way you kiss. Well, what point of reference is he using? He says he wants to work it out, but wants to see other people doesn't make any since what so ever. Seems like hes being rather abusive. I would get rid of him as soon as possible. He confusing you, insulting you and telling you, your not good enough, no way! Hes a jerk with a capital J.

I say if his suggestion isnt going to satisfy u then why put yourself thru it. I use a clique- there are a lotta fish in the sea and man of them would be thrilled to have a loving woman who has the issue of being bipolar! I am blessed to have a husband who not only accepts and supports my bp related problems but gets a kick out of me when my mania manifests sexually. But I had to kiss a lot of toads to find that prince

I am so sorry your husband is acting this way. Is he able to accept you as you are with bipolar?

I am too jealous to ever let my husband "date" other women. Are you able to live in a lifestyle where adultry might occur?

Does your husband abuse you other than emotionally & verbally?

These are a few questions that might help if you could have him agree to see a marriage counselor.

I think because you have children it is worth trying to solve, but not at the expense of your wellbeing!! Please take care of yourself.

Peace & Hugs

TnT

They are already seeing a marriage counselor.

I cant even image the hell your in mentally and physically. I think everyone has offered you some great ideas and of course NONE of us are in your shoes. The end decision is yours to make. I do believe you are a lot stronger than you even give yourself credit for or are aware of at this moment. You have been blindsided by his immaturity and as a Man as a spouse. Do you have a T or Pdoc that you can talk to ? Marriages are built on LOVE and more so on MUTUAL RESPECT.

No matter your decision we will all be here for you

Find time to be kind to yourself even if it just a few moments a day!

Sounds to me like he wants an open relationship. Also sounds to me that is not acceptable to you. I would myself consider this a deal breaker for the marriage. Both people have to genuinely want the same things.
Currently I have sexual relations with a man that is married, his wife has her own little sexual relationship with someone else. Even though I thought it would be rather WEIRD at first, it isn't. She made me feel very comfortable and honestly all 4 of us have been in the same room, getting along just fine. Not sexual with all 4 of us or anything like that. Just hanging out.
HOWEVER that is their agreement and they are comfortable with it. Personally in a marriage I am not sure that I could handle it?!? After this experience I might be able to but really I am not sure. It works out great for me as I have promised my oldest son no more men allowed in our lives so I get my sexual satisfaction and don't have to deal with any sort of relationship that involves my children.
A marriage will not work if both people are not wanting the same things out of their marriage, end of story. So I guess that was his way of telling you what he would like and ultimately it sounds like the decision is up to you on if your willing to accept that or not....

I am not sure where I stand on this. If he is abusing me mentally and emotionally, he doesn't mean it, and I am not sure if that is what it is.

I need to talk to my therapist about it and try to figure out what to do. I just don't know when I'll find the time this week. I am in a partial hospitalization program. I might be able to do a 3pm on Wed. I will need to call him.

I can't trust my instinct right now. My instinct says to separate and either let the relationship go, or really work on it so that we can come together again. Right now I am just so hurt that I can't think straight about it. Am I trying to run away, or did I put in a real effort and find that I am up against a deal breaker.

We worked on values today in group and one of my highest ranked values was romantic relationships. What I want from them is to have a person who gives and especially is willing to receive love. I don't know right now if my husband is that person.

I am not looking for someone new, but I think I deserve to be able to give love to someone and have that person be willing to receive and get something positive from it rather that focusing on and keeping secret the negatives.

My poor kids. What's worse, the family breaking up, or keeping the family together at the expense of a loving relationship between the two adults in the family? That affects the children too. Everyone I have talked to (with the exception of my counselor at the program) has said that I need to be better so that I can keep it together for the sake of the children.

You are already one overextended, ill woman who has not received her fair share of romantic love, care, and attention in years - why do these people, all of them, try to put yet more pressure on you to be better, to keep it together, and for the sake of the children "to boot"?

I think that everyone who has read your threads will say that you did put in real effort. You are off the hook - you tried your best. It is not that you did not try.

I don't know, Hamster, but that is exactly what it feels like: pressure.

Try to avoid confiding in those people then, BNLsMOM. You basically do not know what to do now, which is OK: the situation is not on fire. Try doing something positive for yourself, not only as a distraction and a way to pass the time without constantly thinking of the problem and the hurt you are feeling, but also as a way to contribute to your own well-being because no one else would. I am out of ideas except for a pedicure with some warm or funky (your preference) color, and then going barefoot at home to appreciate it. Any more ideas?

OK, I saw my own signature and came up with another idea: self-pleasuring. If you can, under the circumstances. It will relieve tension and do loads of other good things for you. You mentioned lack of sex life, so self-pleasuring is an immediate solution within the boundaries that are acceptable to you, i.e. without looking for someone new. Unlike a pedicure, does not cost anything, if that matters to you.

Or go take your gorgeous hair to a professional, even if it is for a slight trim: you will enjoy the attention and the warm shampooing and the refreshed look afterwards.

BNLsMOM right now please focus on being gentle and kind yourself. It's you time right now. Eliminate everyone that is pressuring you that's the last thing you need right now.