OMG! What do I do?

I agree, ignore the pressure. It isn't their life, so those things are easy to say. Having children does not equal sacrificing your own happiness or life. I would think that isn't a great example for them either. Just listen to your own gut head and heart. Be gentle with yourself, you've been banged up enough. And take time to figure it out.

hi, I didn't read all the responses but I must say that I was in this situation... except on the other side of it. When I was 21 I married a man I didn't love, and we were married for 5 years. It's a long story so I will tell you how it was at the end.

I thought he was really gross physcially. I hated kissing him. He had this smell about him that made me feel sick. It was terrible. I hated him because to me he represented this prison. I didn't want to have sex with him any more, and I told him so and that I didn't love him, so he started forcing me. I would lay on my stomach and cry until he was done. then he would hug me and I would just be blank faced.

We had no real relationship to speak of. We were like roommates but not husband and wife. He used all of my inheritance from my mom to purchase toys for himself and not pay the bills or buy groceries. This was a punishment to me, I guess. I was terrified to leave him because I had no job and he had taken all of my money. I was afraid if he left he would take my child away from me, so I stayed and "tried to work things out." He swore me to secrecy not to tell my family what was happening, so I told people I met online instead.

Then, I started having "crushes" on other guys. I had several in span of 2 years, until I met someone and really fell for real. Only then did I get the courage to announce that I wanted a divorce. He decided that he would let me have the divorce and he would live with me. (I live in a house owned by my dad.) Anyway, I had to threaten to kick him out after 2 months because he wouldn't leave and I was becoming more afraid of him all the time. So finally he did. (If he hadn't I was going to a women's shelter.)

Anyway, he did take my child from me. And left me destitute after taking all of my mom's money. And, I realize it was all my fault because I was foolish and married someone I didn't love to get away from my dad... who also took his side and after the divorce he threw me out into the streets. (That was how I ended up losing my son.)

Anyway, it was horrible. I think I waited for him to end the marriage, but he didn't want to. Instead he just kept going along doing what he was doing. I tried multiple times to introduce him to women I thought he would like so he would go with them and we could just end things. I didn't want to hurt him exactly but i didn't want to be with him. I even had someone tell me I am incapable of love, which isn't true. It was just... the wrong person... and I was wrong for what I did.

So for him to say he wants to see other people but keep the marriage is a cowards way, it's not fair to you. I'm very sorry this happened to you. The answer to the question: "Do I deserve to be with someone that I love that loves me back?" Is a loud, resound, heaven shaking "YES!"

anyway, I know it's a terrible story and all, but I just wanted to share with you and I hope you find peace and love that you deserve.

you do not live in a no fault divorce state? Who was he to decide to let you have the divorce?

He had all the money at that point, so he had to pay for filing all of the papers, etc. Otherwise, nothing would have happened. Like I said, he refused to leave my house. It was terrifying. I had -30,000$ to my name at that point.

Wow, DarkHeart, what a horrible thing youwent through! I am sorry that happened to you.

We talked a little bit about what would happen if we separated and he said that he would move out to his parents' house and he doesn't know if he would fight for custody...

You said you are trying to squeeze in seeing your T this week, but have you called the lady who did your first divorce to see when she has availability? Just to learn your options, which is important - just to be informed. A bit less uncertainty is worth what you'd pay her for a consult.

I haven't called her yet. I am still not quite at the point where I could handle it being that real. She does free consultations fortunately. I did check out her website.

I called and left a message for my T yesterday afternoon. He never got back to me.

I think I am getting calmer and thinking more clearly today. Knowing that he might not fight for custody makes it easier to explore the options. I have legal shared custody of my oldest son, so maybe my ex wouldn't fight either. We have a good enough relationship where I would be able to talk to him and explain that I wouldn't want to uproot him and take him out of his school and away from his brother. I will ask my T if it were to happen if he would write me an official letter saying that I can take care of my kids. He has said to me before that whenever I was in an episode, that he recognizes that I still put my kids first and that they were never in any danger.

Ok, not saying this is a great solution or anything but I'm hearing you say you really dont want to end the marriage. Im also hearing you say you could not handle the open relationship he is suggesting. Have either of you thought of/ considered/brought up the possibility of a threesome? Ok, please dont stone me yet, friends! Im thinking maybe your hubby just has a bad case of the 7 yr itch and this might give him the feeling he is getting that variety he thinks he wants and you would be right there the whole time and you even have the leverage of setting all the ground rules. If this idea is just totally too wackadoodle for you I completely understand but the thought came to me and I felt it was worth bringing up

Hi BNLsMOM, your husband said some very mean things, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I can only tell you from my experience that he sounds like a very manipulative man, I have one of those also. I have been dealing with being controlled and manipulated for years, I don't believe it gets better. I hope and pray you can get out, and, I have to believe, if your happier, your children will be too. I'm only speaking from experience, hope you don't get offended. Don't let him be mean to you, you don't deserve it

We've talked about it in the past and that's when our sex life was better than ever. I wasn't able to go through with it when we got close to actually doing it. I think he will always want to do it, but I just don't know if I can get there. Maybe we can talk about it again and see what feelings come up for me. I am afraid that at this point, he would be paying all the attention to the third person in the equation and I would be pretty much sitting there watching. Chances are, I would just go out to the kitchen and have some ice tea and think about what I want to pack when I leave.

I can't tell if he is being manipulative. If he is, I don't think he is consciously doing it. It could be that his world feels so out of control that he is trying to control things like sex and love. I don't know...

He said that when I have episodes that I turn into a ***** and that it is hard to live with "that kind of person."

I just don't know what he wants, and I won't change myself anymore to try to please him. All that does is lead to depression and resentment. I have work to do on myself and I am doing it. He has work to do on himself and he has to want to do it. I can't make him. It is possible that we would have to be separated in order to do the work. I think we are going to sleep in separate rooms. I have a guest room/art room that has become a junk room, but I can clean it out and make it my own space.

Sleeping in separate rooms is a big step, because it will be visible to the children.

When I was little, my parents slept in separate rooms. It is not that they did not have sex - they did (as I learned later from both of them), but my dad would come to my mom's room for it. He smoked in the bedroom - actually, in bed - and she could not tolerate it so they made separate sleeping arrangements. I felt really bad because all my peers whose apartments I visited regularly had a master bedroom in the apartment shared by the two parents, and I was the only kid whose parents had separate bedrooms. I remember to this day how sad it made me feel. But, trying to be analytical about this memory, I think that I probably sensed the lack of warmth in my parents' relationship (they ultimately went through an ugly divorce) and that made me feel sad and incomplete and inferior to my peers. The separate sleeping arrangement was just a manifestation of the problem rather than the problem itself, so I am not trying to deter you from cleaning the junk room.

Very true, but I can easily tell the kids that my husband snores too much. He fills up the whole house with his snoring. Thank goodness for Trazodone at night. Knocks me out.

I could also go on vacation for a few days to a yoga center. I would have to wait until after the partial program is over, but if I went to the yoga center, it is a peaceful place where I can think and reflect. It's a thought.

Great - you have a plan for everything.

How are you doing BNLs? I wouldn't recommend bringing in another woman for him, only to do if you want it for you. I did this in my relationship because I was bi-curious. So I told him I would be choosing, he would not be choosing the woman. I also told him that I need to feel like the center of attention or I'm not doing it. So I chose a good girlfriend who all the guys consider the hottest girl on the mountain. She and I had talked about it for years and about how we'd do a 3 some just to watch our guy go crazy. So bf liked it at first, of course. But then it turned to jealousy because he really started to feel inadequate like she and I were satisfying each other more than he was. We did it a few times (then she and I just hooked up without him for a few years). But now, he doesn't want to share me. Now, he doesn't ask for 3 somes anymore.

I have heard that most times 3 somes are not what people crack them up to be. I mean, there is always that saying 2 is company but 3 is a crowd, you know?

I know I couldn't do it. I would not be able to handle it emotionally or mentally. It would ruin my relationship for sure if that ever happened, so I won't do that. It would be like the ultimate torture for me. So, if you weren't comfortable when things were good, this would be a very bad move, I think.

I have never done a menage a trois, either as a MMF or a FFM, but I have fantasized about it a few times in my life - last time just recently and just very briefly. In the FFM version of the fantasy, a close girlfriend of mine and a man I cared deeply about were involved, purely as a way of pleasuring the man because I cared, without lesbian anything. So if I fantasize about it a bit, I probably could pull it off. I find it a selfless fantasy, but I do not know if it can help an ailing marriage. I guess it probably can't... but I have no experience so I should not be saying anything.

This is the yoga center: http://kripalu.org/article/118

He is home now and I will bring up the separate rooms when the kids go to bed.

I am so sorry all of this is happening to you MOM. I wish I knew what to say or do to make it better.

HUGS

I have thought more about MommaR's idea (a menage a trois with another woman); if he still wants it, maybe do it just to be able to say that you have tried everything. But if it disgusts the hell out of you then do not do it, because, frankly, everything else you have already tried is already a lot and are off the hook.

The yoga center looks nice, what a good idea to go on retreat. I hope you get to do that. How did the talk of separate rooms go?

I think you are giving him too much credit. He even uses your bipolar to make you feel guilty and manipulate you you.

The separate rooms talk was just two sentences. I asked what he thought of sleeping in separate rooms and he said, "That's fine." He was very ambivalent about it.

Oh, and when I looked at the yoga center's website, there was a workshop coming up for couples. I sent him the link and he said he would look at it later. If he ever does is another story and I am not expecting much out of him, but at least I tried.

Maybe, but I can't imagine him being conscious of it. He is so cut off from so many of his emotions and afraid of them. One of the few he seems to be in touch with is anger. The slightest thing sets him off and he will have a burst of it. He is also capable of showing love. I see it with the kids.

I feel like I am making him out to be a bad person. He really isn't. I am just not sure that he is the person for me anymore. I think maybe he doesn't love me any more and he just can't admit it.

I've just read this thread and I really feel so sorry for you. It's a terrible position to find yourself in, and I can only imagine how much hard work it's going to take from both parties. I'm sorry