[BlueInanna]

Trigger warning, sui mentioned, child sui mentioned.

I think it is really bad time of year for me. More of us than usual are in a bad place. I expect it to pass. But the thoughts I'm having are not good. I've got rage and anger and feel like the only place to turn it is on myself.

The only reason I stay here is for my youngest, he is so attached to me, and it would ruin his life if I left him. I've done a good job with him, he's responsible, hard working, kind. I feel like my older 2, I've already ruined their lives. I didn't know how to be a good single mother to them and I blew it. They're 18 and almost 17. They want nothing to do with me. I know this is the nuts talking, but I don't think they'd barely notice if I were gone. My daughter only cares about her pot and she can live with her boyfriend. She can get SSI for her bp and be taken care of. My son only cares about any drugs he can get his hands on, I can't control a single thing he does. He has kept me awake for 2 nights in a row. I can't help him or control him, I'm insane, I'm inept.

This time of year, 4 years ago, these dates exactly are when my daughter was 14 and o/d'd on aspirin. She'd been out of control partying, sneaking out, doing a ton of extasy. I trusted another mom to watch over my daughter because she was refusing to come home. This other mom turned out was doing drugs with the kids, and giving my daughter vicodins, valiums, and other opiates. (no wonder my daughter wanted to be there so bad) I went over to get my daughter and this woman screamed at me not to take her. I brought my daughter home, and my daughter told me she was going to kill herself and make me watch. Told me I wasn't her mother, and that this other drug woman was her real mother. So she took the bottle of aspirin, and her life was barely saved at the hospital.

About 3 weeks later a 14 year old friend of my kids, also hanging out at drug lady's house, shot himself and died. This woman had been telling all the kids how horrible life if and you'll only die when God wants you to die. I hate this woman, she had sex with a 15 year old runaway, and told me about it and told me she found my son sexy. I reported it to police but they couldn't prove anything.

I have major rage issues and I want to die, I want off this planet, they've won, evil has won, we don't have a chance to save this planet anymore.

That's just how I feel, I won't leave because of the kids. Even though the older ones act like they don't care, they do, and they need me. They don't have any other parent who cares about them. I just need sleep. I need older son to quit the evil drugs so I can have harmony in my house and sleep at night. He's choosing his own horrible path, refusing to go see the probation officer, they're going to just come and take him eventually I figure. Now I have to try to tak him to his pdoc appt, which will be a battle getting him to go, it's court ordered, $400 I have to pay whether I get him there or not. Insurance does nothing. F . M . L .

[BlueInanna]

Yea, he wouldn't go to pdoc. He's tweaking on something, probably meth. He just threw me against some walls and threw me on the floor by my hair. Now I decide to ask cps to take him once and for all, or wait to see if he calms down and can hold a conversation. Or maybe he'll just kill me. You know, you don't ever expect to be a battered woman, but especially not by your own child.

[faerie_moon_x]

Sorry it's so terrible right now.

I hear you, I really have no words right now. But I hear you.

[~Christina]

Oh Blue honey

I am so sorry you are going through this overwhelming mess. You need to make sure you are SAFE !!!

Sending you 's and

[BlueInanna]

probation officer got son on the phone. court is set for tuesday. she told him he must be home every night, not do drugs, take his meds, obey mom. she will try to get judge to mandate rehab, and give me option to pick the place i want him to go. if i get him in this one really good nearby rehab before end of year, insurance will cover it since he's had so many hospital stays this year.

anyway, he is now speaking decently to me, and i think he is scampering drinking tea and water to try to flush the meth out of his system.

i took a couple klonopins, but they are like sugar pills when my anxiety is this high.

[LiveThroughThis]

So so sorry you are in this place.

I hope your son will get in rehab and in the meantime leave you alone,

I get that kind of anxiety, the F.M.L., and some of the addiction stuff (my alcoholic father got sober when I was 19).

You bring so much care and love to us here, and such helpful words. I wish I could give you equally reassuring words. But I can offer much

I hope everything starts settling down some soon.

By the way, I love your signature.

[~Christina]

I'm really happy that he has calmed down. I hope that you can catch a few moments of calm for yourself.

[BNLsMOM]

Sorry you are going through this.

[Victoria'smom]

Blue,
I really do think this becomes a horrible time of year for us. You are such a caring person and no matter what your telling yourself I know you've been a loving and thoughtful parent. It's hard being a parent with BP and your job is that much harder being single with 2 BP kids. Please try not to beat yourself up about the past. It can't help. You did not ruin their lives they have years to fix their miss steps. They will one day appreciated the love and struggles that you had raising them. You are not insane or inept. I don't know any person healthy or otherwise that could handle your situation with such unconditional love. It is not inept to need help.

You've been asking for help so long for your family and it has fallen on deaf ears. I wish probation took you seriously in the first place. Hopefully your son can find his way if the courts allow him to go to a good rehab.

I know what it feels like to want to go, the world's won but Blue it's not going to be forever. The rage will subside and depression will weaken. You have to fight, show your children it's worth fighting BP. Unfortunately, this may mean going back to your pdoc, a new therapist, and finding a temporary safe place for you and your youngest.

We love you here very much. I wish you could vent all your rage and negative feelings here.

[kindachaotic]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Stay safe in your own home, you deserve it.
You've failed no one!
Your children will get a certain age, be out of your household & THEY will have to decide their path.
Your home should not be a revolving door of chaos.
You need peace, for yourself & your younger son.
I would not speak so frankly but have been there with my son & tough love was in order.
My prayers are with you.

life is turning on it's side for a lot of us. Hang in there blue! hang in there and we can all get together down the road and say, "remember that crazy time where it almost got the best of all of us"... pm me if you want to vent, i'm a good listener. do what's best for you right now, and really be careful not to turn the hate inward.

[hamster-bamster]

http://www.risperdalconsta.com/about...rid|7250739035

ask his p-doc to try him on it. I just do not think that it is realistic to expect a boy his age to take medications every day. Even adults fail, for many reasons, as we all well know - is it fair to expect an adolescent to be compliant? I do not think so - he needs a break. Can a bi-weekly visit to a MH clinic be a condition of his probation?

[hamster-bamster]

Here is Invega once a month.

http://invegasustenna.com/

[hamster-bamster]

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/1...ould-help-many

This articles mentions use of injectable AP's by courts.

[Passion222]

You are such a tough person. Admire you so much for how you hold on. I'm here to lend you a ear or shoulder. Many hugs too. You need "you time" and never get any. But there's so much the brain can take and you're entitled to alot if emotion for all you deal with. You're a great mom and remember that. Doing the best you can. Many hugs to you

Blue, you're blaming yourself, and you might wish to relax on that approach. Your
children are all individuals, and they're learning how to live, although they've had their share of mistakes that they've made.

You're doing all that can be expected: you're getting the older son into rehab and
insurance is going to cover that. That should stabilize your home situation. It
will give you some peace in the atmosphere and that is what you need, in my view.

Please try to understand that your children have chosen to do the things that they are doing and that you are not responsible for their adolescent growth difficulties.

You need rest and quiet around you to calm your emotions. Please don't feel guilty about trying to have it in your home; that's really the only way for your home to be safe and secure--which you deserve.

One of the most difficult things in life is for us to accept that we cannot be all things to all people and most especially to children who are desperate for inner freedom but can't see the way to it.

Believe me, they love you, and you're a very brave and conscientious person. I hope things will improve this time with rehabilitation for your son.

You might wish to consider turning him over to the courts for residence in a permanent institution if he cannot make it after this rehabilitation effort. You can't live with the risk of being harmed permanently by his efforts to medicate an illness with illegal drugs. Forgive me, but his reasoning capacity is limited during this period in his life.

Take care of yourself and know that you have my prayers for your safety and good health.

Gen

P.S. Thanks for your note several days ago. I tried to respond but think I might have
e-mailed myself! Ahh, well.

[faerie_moon_x]

I second everything genetic said.

It isn't always the parents fault for the actions of their children. When illness is involved this is especially true. You are doing everything possible and you are a good mom. You have just been given one of the most difficult situations any mother can face.

[Thoughtbubble]

Your family has a lot of similarities to mine. My brother's put my mom through the usual addict-enabler pain of betrayal and forgiveness, he still lives with us at 22 and doesn't contriute even though he has a job! and for all she has stood by him through he has no gratitude. I don't know how my mom gets it done. In contrast she has done and said some things I resent her for, but i would fail without her. You can't be a perfect mother, but your cause will always e a noble one