[derekgraham78]

Hey everyone,
I am needing the best advice, my wife left me two days ago, we are separated but not going through a divorce. She says we have had a toxic relationship with me being the one bringing her down. I admit I have been very harsh on how I treated her, I have belittled her, poked fun, even been times where I have been physical and emotional abuse. I have started to finally see where I have been in the wrong. I need good advice on how to make the changes and maybe a little support on a ongoing basis. This is really hard for me to admit all this, but I love my wife and the idea of losing her is a huge eye opener!

[venusss]

I think that giving her space for now, might show her you do care. I would not push atm.

After some time, things may seem differently.

[derekgraham78]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

I think that giving her space for now, might show her you do care. I would not push atm.

After some time, things may seem differently.

Thanks I will do that!

[Anika.]

Can you get help for these issues? The physical and emotional abuse? I think there was also infidelity issues?

I would give her space and respect her boundaries at this point. Focus on working on the things that need attention, even if you two were not to get back together, you would not probably want to carry these into other relationships.

Perhaps if you are having a hard time seeing these things to the full extent, try to put yourself in the others place. I am saying this because of the thread when she was hospitalized, and I sensed a lack of empathy... I am sorry, I don't know how to say it, but it seemed like it was more about you than her in her time of need. I am not judging you with this statement.. so please I really mean no harm.. merely an observation of something you may have not thought about.

Do you have a therapist? Or somewhere to get help, and support in all this?

I know this is a hard time, I am sorry it took this turn for you both, but perhaps it can become a healing time for you both.

[faerie_moon_x]

Giving her space is good. But the best thing you can do is work toward changing. It is one thing to say you want change, but another to actually do it. At this time, she probably has very little faith in you. No matter how much you promise her, she will not listen.

Instead, you must change and mean it. You must work on it every single day. Go to therapy if you have not already started. See a therapist who works with people who have domestic violence issues. Work on changing your inner voice. If you see something you don't like, instead of saying hurtful terms like "that's stupid," instead say, "I disagreee" or "that isn't something I would like." Do you see where it changes the meaning? You still say that you don't like something, but you own it, instead of making it about the other object.

Example: your wife has a new hobby but you are not interested in it. Instead of saying, "that's a dumb way to waste your time," you can say, "I don't enjoy that activity myself, but I see it makes you happy." Does that make sense?

These are just some ideas and you are going to have to work very hard. But at the end of the day you need to remember one thing: You need to change for yourself and not just for her. By become a better person for yourself you will be a better person for all the people in your life. No matter the outcome with your marriage, becoming a better person will help you cope with life in general as well.

[derekgraham78]

You are half right about that, I dont tend to show emotions very well. I was worried sick while she was in the hospital. I personally was in shock when she tried to commit suicide. I do have issues where I dont focus on her when I should. She is such a wonderful woman, full of life, her smile lightens the room! She also is so gifted singing, that is one thing I have missed from her, she stopped singing after leaving the choir. I do have a therapist and I see him next thur(week after turkey day). I spent a good while crying myself to sleep last night, I am right now working on my mental and physical health issues. I been taking a diabetes education course to get better control and will begin serious counseling about my problems.

[derekgraham78]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Giving her space is good. But the best thing you can do is work toward changing. It is one thing to say you want change, but another to actually do it. At this time, she probably has very little faith in you. No matter how much you promise her, she will not listen.

Instead, you must change and mean it. You must work on it every single day. Go to therapy if you have not already started. See a therapist who works with people who have domestic violence issues. Work on changing your inner voice. If you see something you don't like, instead of saying hurtful terms like "that's stupid," instead say, "I disagreee" or "that isn't something I would like." Do you see where it changes the meaning? You still say that you don't like something, but you own it, instead of making it about the other object.

Example: your wife has a new hobby but you are not interested in it. Instead of saying, "that's a dumb way to waste your time," you can say, "I don't enjoy that activity myself, but I see it makes you happy." Does that make sense?

These are just some ideas and you are going to have to work very hard. But at the end of the day you need to remember one thing: You need to change for yourself and not just for her. By become a better person for yourself you will be a better person for all the people in your life. No matter the outcome with your marriage, becoming a better person will help you cope with life in general as well.

Very valid points, and yes definitely doing this for myself, whether or not we get back together I want to make sure im a positive friend and not a negative one. I am actively seeking to change my patterns and I will change them!

[Anika.]

Well that's a good start Derek. And yes I don't know all the details, it was the wanting to cheat while she was in the hospital for a sui attempt that I had trouble wrapping my head around.. But I wouldn't know where the desire to do so comes from. I think exploring these things would be really good for you, and like DH said would help you find your own happiness in life as well, or contentedness I prefer to call it.

Does your wife have a therapist as well?

And yes of course we will support you in this, any way we know how!

[moodiegirl]

I agree with the posts above, just wanted to add info about another great forum with lots of marriage advice. I hope that's okay, I'm not advertising or anything, I just found lots of good advice for my marriage there. Maybe post your story there too. The link is: www.talkaboutmarriage.com
Good luck!

[derekgraham78]

Originally Posted by Anika.

Well that's a good start Derek. And yes I dont know all the details, it was the wanting to cheat while she was in the hospital for a sui attempt that I had trouble wrapping my head around.. But I wouldn't know where the desire to do so comes from. I think exploring these things would be really good for you, and like DH said would help you find your own happiness in life as well, or contentness I prefer to call it.

Does your wife have a therapist as well?

Yes I have had alot of problems with cheating, I have started to push the feeling of needing it all the time so that I can start resisting temptation. So far I have not cheated on her in a month or so. Now we did have a agreement about this but personally it still made me feel like crap, i do my best to avoid temptation and do not plan to have any interaction with anyone during this period of separation. And yes she has a therapist. We both goto a place called Cumberland Mountain Mental Health, they provide meds, counseling, and case management.

[Trippin2.0]

This may not apply, but after being in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship, I cant stand the words 'I'm sorry' from someone who hurts me. Its actually quite triggery as it gets my back up the wall pretty fast. I prefer remorse to be shown via actions not words, as 'I'm sorry' means ABSOLUTELY nothing to me. Have nothing new to add, the rest has already been spoken.So yeah,just thought that may help if your wife doesnt respond to apologies.I commend you for reaching out,that took alot of courage .

[Anika.]

More so I was getting at is.. where this need or want to do so stems from vs. pushing the feeling aside. And that I know would be highly personal. I am not asking, you don't have to share that, just wondering if you have explored the ins and outs of that with your therapist. Could be more to it than just plain hypersexuality that happens with bipolar.

I am glad you both have someone to talk to. Maybe couples therapy would be something in the future if things went that way, so you can work together. Marriage is hard and we don't interact together perfectly, and hopefully join the bridge and work together eventually.

I guess the only other thing I would really advise, is that if she is clear in her choice, or if she does decide to end it with divorce, that hard as it might be that you respect her choice. It would not be very easy for her to make this choice in the first place I would assume. I have been in a marriage with abuse and that choice was not easy, it took great strength.

[Confusedinomicon]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

This may not apply, but after being in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship, I cant stand the words 'I'm sorry' from someone who hurts me. Its actually quite triggery as it gets my back up the wall pretty fast. I prefer remorse to be shown via actions not words, as 'I'm sorry' means ABSOLUTELY nothing to me. Have nothing new to add, the rest has already been spoken.So yeah,just thought that may help if your wife doesnt respond to apologies.I commend you for reaching out,that took alot of courage .

I agree with this 100%. At one time in my relationship I was the abuser and made my boyfriends life a living hell when my illness was totally out of control and I refused to really accept help from my medical team. He basically told me that MY ACTIONS would determine if we stayed together. Words mean nothing if there are no actions to back it up.

[derekgraham78]

I am not sure where the need comes from, I have had a extreme interest in sex since i was a teenager, it was not the normal interest either. I will have to discuss it with my therapist

[derekgraham78]

Thats why I am focusing on making the changes, I am right now keeping communication down to give her space, and i am focusing on correcting my bad habits, my abuse problem, and my health. I hope all who know me will slowly see a new me, one that is positive and worth spending time with.

[Blue Poppy]

Originally Posted by derekgraham78

Thats why I am focusing on making the changes, I am right now keeping communication down to give her space, and i am focusing on correcting my bad habits, my abuse problem, and my health. I hope all who know me will slowly see a new me, one that is positive and worth spending time with.

When there is a problem, I generally like to ask, "Which part of the problem do you take responsibility for?" You have mentioned several of the behaviors that have distanced your spouse from you. A separation, in itself, is her way of protecting herself from further toxicity.

I am currently reading a book called, "Boundaries in Marriage." It does have it's basis in Christianity, but religious or not, the information about setting boundaries is very useful.

It is good that you will see a therapist about your abuse issues. You have made choices that have impacted your spouse, and now you are experiencing the consequences. You will need to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. When it is an issue of maintaining health by staying away from your spouse, as she is doing, reconciliation can be very difficult.

I hope the best for you on this new journey of personal change. It is commendable that you are seeking help to change yourself.

[willow2012]

Hi,

read your thread just now about the affairs.

Sounds like you need Sex Addicts Anonymous. They have a website.

They have telephone meetings if you can't get to a face to face one.