Do you take medications?
If so, do you like who you are on them?
If not, do you like who you are without them?
Are you still battling to accept this diagnosis?
Are you battling the decision to take your meds?

I am. I am still trying to accept this. I take my meds religiously. Some nights I swear I'm not gonna take another pill in the morning but then I do because I know I need help and that's what they tell me is the right thing to do. I know I need help but I don't know if I want these meds. I miss the high. Sometimes I even miss the lows because at least I'd still feel human instead of going through the motions with no feeling. I am an emotional person but that part of me is gone now. Perhaps it was mostly a bad thing to be so emotional but that was the biggest part of me. I feel like my identity is lost. I feel like a different person, and not for the better. But not necessarily for the worst either. I'm just... here. Doing what I gotta do but not really what I want. Medications and their side effects scare me.

[LadyShadow]

I felt the same way you did when I was younger.
In fact, I threw out the medications and didn't take them, but that led to more hospitalizations.
I would stop taking them then a few weeks after feeling my high went back into the hospital with even more meds that I had before. They just kept piling it on after each hospitalization.

So I guess, it was acceptance on my part that I needed this medication.

I have bipolar as well, and although I feel emotionless sometimes and life is kind of just plain and ordinary, I remind myself is the alternative is more and more hospitalizations and even MORE medication.

Am I happy about that? Not really? I miss having a vivid imagination and being able to daydream for hours. Now that is completely gone. But I have to realize I fall too far into that imaginary world because of the bipolar and then I can't decipher what is reality anymore.

So yes, I totally understand what you feel and your struggles. But the high of bipolar can lead to devastating things out of your control, and I wouldn't want to see anything happen to you.

Good luck, and if you want to talk, I am an inbox message away

[Trippin2.0]

I know how you feel I'm highly emotional too, and meds stole my identity. I hear that with the right combo and dosage, it doesn't have to be so, but I cant speak from experience. I hated feeling lost and trapped under a chemical safety net, trying more or different meds wasn't the answer for me. I really hope you find your answer soon, bcoz I know that horrible place you've found yourself in Quit mine over a year ago btw.

i think what i'd say here.. is that diffrent things work for diffrent people

you have to keep trying (no matter how hard it gets) to find something that works for you

because after all, we all want stability, right?

[Trippin2.0]

I agree with SS, bipolar isn't like a physical illness where a specific treatment will work for everyone. You need to keep working at bp management to find out which tools fit best in your toolkit. For some its lifestyle changes and therapy, some meds, some meds and therapy etc. Keep at it, and things will start looking up, and when things are better, bp is no longer a dark cloud hanging over your life

[rossiv46]

I was first diagnosed MDD, for over 10 years. Then several stays in hospital and I was and a different PHD< Clinical psychologist diagnosed me bipolar I and then my pschiatrist also changed my diagnosis to bp I. It's been over a year and I still wonder what if not.
I also take my meds religiously but I do see a change in how I react. My highs were not really euphoric but rage and anger and irritability. I am totally different and mellow now and I Like it that way so for me, it's worth taking the meds and finally got a good combination that seem to work. I think Zyprexa was the biggest improvment in rage and anger. Thats my bit.

[venusss]

Do you take medications?

no.

If not, do you like who you are without them?

yes. It took me years and years.... and i still struggle... I think though... it's important to learn to distinquish liking how you feel and liking who you are. I mean, would you hate yourself if you had a flu? (I am NOT comparing bipolar to physical illness. Just that you can feel crap physically and emotionally, but separate your self-acceptance from these feeling).

Are you still battling to accept this diagnosis?

I don't care about the diagnosis... it don't define me.

I am. I am still trying to accept this. I take my meds religiously. Some nights I swear I'm not gonna take another pill in the morning but then I do because I know I need help and that's what they tell me is the right thing to do.

who is "they"? They don't live your life whoever they are. UNless you feel you are doing the right thing... it will never work.

I know I need help but I don't know if I want these meds. I miss the high. Sometimes I even miss the lows because at least I'd still feel human instead of going through the motions with no feeling. I am an emotional person but that part of me is gone now. Perhaps it was mostly a bad thing to be so emotional but that was the biggest part of me.

It!s about how you feel. I actually find unemotional people scary. Nothing wrong with being emotional if you can handle it. You need to feel good in your own skin, not zonked outta yourself.

I feel like my identity is lost. I feel like a different person, and not for the better. But not necessarily for the worst either. I'm just... here. Doing what I gotta do but not really what I want. Medications and their side effects scare me.

You should work on self-acceptance and learning to handle yourself. Do it your way.

[~Christina]

Personally for me....

I do not plan to be on meds forever.. Right now I am busy learning ways to cope, handle and learn non medications ways to keep myself mentally healthy and safe.

When I do decide to go med free I plan to taper off everything slowly.

This is just what I have decided I want to do for my life.

I am a fighter. No... I am more of a struggler. I struggle along. My meds help me not struggle so much. they kind of pave the way so I can step lighter and not have to fight so much.....

it's amazing what you can get used to
when you have no other choice
the reality that you once knew
echoing with it's deep voice

reminding you of the previous times
when you were sure you couldn't make it through
and you were so lost and desperate
and not knowing what to do

but then things got a little easier
but sacrifices had to be made
you would be a little stifled
and somewhat contained

even the episodes would be better
but the price to pay would be severe
so you have to decide which is better...

to live the life that brought you here....
or to deal with the side effects and have relief.....

I choose to deal with the side effects because I've had a full life of episodes and rapid cycling and deep depressions and ugh.... you know the deal...
been that way since I was nine
and everything it did steal

so to be contained inside and stifled in my creativity....
it's kinda like a security blanket for me
something that I can feel and depend on
because I am that desperate to feel better
that I don't care about the side effects
just please... please keep helping me to not feel that way anymore
and I will do what it takes to feel better

thank you meds! I owe you my life.......
the life you gave back to me.....

[Miss Laura]

Hey there,

Yes I do take medication, I do like who I am on them sometimes...... When I feel like the 'old' me! Sometimes I wish I was better than what I am sometimes!

I am still battling with my diagnosis 2 years into it. I struggle with the concept of LIFE LONG and the fact I think the old me was better! I struggled to take my medication and am mostly a non-complier however I am determined to comply.... Been on my medication 1 month exactly!!

My support worker has said I am lost in a sense! Identity is somewhere lost in translation sort of speak! I love my highs and go off my meds when I no longer feel super-human..... My mania makes me feel like a super hero. Then I become ill, and have to go back on them which makes me sad.

The side effects go crazy as I stop and start them so much, sometimes I don't know if I am coming or going. My CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) has said this is my vicious cycle..... He says I will probably do this forever stopping and starting them..... I am trying to prove him wrong lol!

Do you have a CPN, Therapist who can help you understand your diagnosis? My CPN is really good at keeping it embedded in my head

[wildchild r]

meds Im on dont seem to help, tho thoes looking in say the one they have me on is makeing a difference..I know Im more depressed than usual.They throw other meds away, the med prescribed to me that is thought of as addictive..they meaning family members.3 different meds so far.some having real bad side effects landing me in the ER.Im going thro alot of bad stuff here lately that would push most of us right over the edge, loss of a close family relative being one of the issues.I always thought that when I lost my dad, I would have to be hospitalized, not the case, so far,Im having to be strong, amazing what one can do when you dont have a choice,even without meds..but I cant stand to hear "your doing beautifully without them" ..really makes me say four letter words,repeatively..lol so,here I am..I just Am,and so are we.we just are....

[Odee]

I take my medications. I love who I am but I don't like how what I feel keeps me from being who I am. I don't like how I feel on or off meds but I think being on meds has been the most help. I battle to accept how I feel, and I emotionally battle with myself over the concept of taking medication and I have quit my meds a couple times. However, I've still remained a willing consumer. I think I'm getting somewhere.

[lancer8]

Yes, I do take my meds and recently started tweeking them with a new pdoc. If i don't take them I'd most likely find myself hospitalized and I don't want that to happen again. This way I can lead a fairly decent life. work, etc.

[gina_re]

I take my meds daily. I was first diagnosed as MDD as well, and then eventually that diagnosis was changed to bipolar. Too many hospitalizations and mental breakdowns later, I came to the realization that I need the meds. I cannot afford to keep being in the hospital or to be without a job since I support myself. I eventually found a doc that gave me a good 'cocktail' and I've been good ever since, well I did have to tweak it once. For me, the person that I am when I'm on the meds is more stable, more fun to be around, and a success. I like who I am when I'm unmedicated as well, but the emotional headache I had to deal with was overwhelming. My parents always worried, and I always worried what I would do to myself. In order to accomplish my goals, I stay on my meds. I don't feel too different, and I think its a matter of finding the right doctor, the right medications, and the right dosage. Which isn't easy, I know. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has tried a multitude of medications. But I feel as if I am somewhat normal, with a few 'malfunctions' here and there.

[PiperLeigh]

Do you take medications?

I do. Have spent the last six months months trying to figure out something that will work for me. I have a cooperative personality, so I'm nearly a 100% compliant when it comes to taking them. But we've had to go through quite a few already. In the last eight weeks it seems like I'm in a really good, stable place. I'm crossing my fingers that maybe this med combo might be the right one for me.

If so, do you like who you are on them?

I feel good and productive. I don't have racing thoughts. I'm not suicidal. I'm not overly anxious. The question about whether I like who I am in general is a tough one...something probably better suited for me to work through with a therapist than related to my medication. I have very complicated feelings about liking myself!

If not, do you like who you are without them?

See above for my comment about liking myself. But as for how I feel...if I am neither in a manic, mix, or depressed state, I feel fine without meds. But if I am in one of those states, I know I feel better with the benefit of meds.

Are you still battling to accept this diagnosis?

Definitely. Some days it hits me harder than others. I find myself crying over it. I have had several conversations with my p-doc about it. In my head I know the diagnosis is accurate. But there is a part of me that doesn't want the label. I don't want it to be true. There are so many behaviors, attitudes, and ways of thinking of other people who have been diagnosed that I don't identify with that I don't want to accept the diagnosis. That's when my p-doc reminds me that there is a really wide spectrum. Sigh. So anyway. Yeah. Still working on accepting it.

Are you battling the decision to take your meds?

Not at all. I'm a responsible wife and mother and I have to be the healthiest person I can be for them. Obviously the times when I want to end my life are not me being the healthiest person I can be for them. I have to take my meds. Not always thrilled with the side effects. But I'm 100% compliant. (Except when I was prescribed a few benzos...I didn't fully comply with them. But I called my p-doc and saw her right away so she would know what was going on and could make an adjustment.)

[cocoabeans]

No, I don't take medications now. I do like who I am without them of course, I'm the same person as when I was on medications. The drugs didn't change who I am but took the edge off of some of the crazy thinking and eased the intensity of my moods plus gave a wack load of side effects, involved doctors appointments and money! I'd much rather cope with a mood here and there than have a daily struggle with "treatment".

Bipolar isn't everyday for me but coping with medication was.

Sometimes I think about going back on medication like now, I'm a bit depressed but the wait to find a doctor, side effect risks and the fact that I know my depressions don't last more than a few months makes it not worth it. I'd rather just wait it out and cope.

[thickntired]

I hate spending the money on meds, but I can't live with psychotic episodes. I would most likely lose everything and be arrested. It's a love/hate relationship.

Thanks for all your throughtful responses. I'm just torn about these medications. I'm torn about the diagnosis and I don't know what I could do about it except wait it out and see how I end up forming my decisions regarding this whole thing. I don't know how long I will struggle with this. It's been nine months since I was diagnosed and I still struggle with it so how much longer? Will I ever accept it? How long did it take you to finally accept your diagnosis? I am also diagnosed with GAD but I had no problem accepting that. I wonder why...

[SmokeyPoole2012]

I was diagnosed 12 years ago and I've been on and off the medication numerous times and what I have discovered is that without the medication my life is in ruin. I had continuously tried to pick up the peaces, tell myself that if I only tried a little harder then I could live a normal life. But that never came to pass reason is because others can see in us what we are trying to hide from them whether they make us aware of their knowledge or not and when that happens we are secretly shunned and ridiculed making it hard to do anything “normal”. I have learned to except who I am and I believe that others respect me for that and I treat me with more tolerance perhaps even a bit of sympathy which helps immensely. I try to take my medication on a regular basis and I believe that others should try to do the same. I believe that it is how we take care of ourselves and I believe others will respect us for it.

[bunnifoo]

Do you take medications?

Yes, right now I'm trying to find something that will work better

If so, do you like who you are on them?

Yes . But I don't have many happy memories or experiences with mania or hypomania, I had a lot of depression and mixed states. And rages and anger issues. and suicidal thoughts. I know I can be better than I am now so that's why I'm trying different meds.

Are you still battling to accept this diagnosis?

No, but I've had a long time to process. I was misdiagnosed with "atypical depression" as a teen and wasn't diagnosed with bipolar disorder until 2000 when I ended up hospitalized. It was a relief but I was also worried the doctors were wrong again. I have had times when I didn't want to take my meds or deal with my diagnosis but as it's become something I'm more in control of instead of something consuming every part of my life it's not so much a battle. I can't forget I have the diagnosis but I don't think of myself as "bipolar" but "having bipolar disorder". It's an important distinction for me to make, in part because when I wasn't medicated/misdiagnosed I *was* bipolar even though I didn't know it -it consumed my whole life and was the only thing that defined me.

Are you battling the decision to take your meds?

Nope. Without my meds I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, I'd have anxiety attacks, I'd be depressed. I admit at first I didn't want to take more meds and I didn't think they'd work but I'd hit bottom with suicide attempt and hospitalization and I only wanted to go up. And despite struggling the meds have gotten me further than I thought I would be.

My life isn't perfect right now, but I'm much better off than I was.

[manicminer]

Do you take medications?

- Just recently began Naltrexone to help avoid alcohol abuse, but have taken no other psychiatric meds for over a year.

If so, do you like who you are on them?

-I did not like who I was on them. No personality, no creativity, no drive and ambition. And yet still cycled, just not to the extremes of the episodes leading to my initial and only hospitalization.

If not, do you like who you are without them?

-I did not like who I was without them either, but a very blunt and unsympathetic p-doc opened my eyes to the fact that no doctor or medication can just manage your symptoms for you. It takes a conscious effort on the part of the individual to make the necessary lifestyle changes needed to sucessfully manage symptoms.

Are you still battling to accept this diagnosis?

I have accepted this diagnosis, but I have not and will never accept it as a label. I am not bipolar, I suffer from a mood condition known as bipolar disorder. I will never again let it define who I am or how I live my life. It is too easy, for me at least, to use this label as an excuse for my actions, and I have found that to be unacceptable.

Are you battling the decision to take your meds?

-For a time I did battle it. When I made the conscious decision to stop medication therapy and focus on the underlying causes of return symptoms, it became clear what I needed to do to personally manage my symptoms. So simple, yet for some reason so hard to realize, I came up with a very easy life equation to follow: More sleep + less whiskey= a more balanced, symptom free me.

Good luck to all those struggling out there.

NOTE: I do not in any way recommend that anyone stops taking their medication without the approval and strict supervision of a trusted psychiatric professional. Doing so can be dangerous and detrimental to your overall health and well being.