Extremely triggered

I need to be careful today. I'm having a major episode that started yesterdray at like 7 or 8 p.m. and I barely slept, and what sleep I had crazy dreams and nightmares. I am just extremely angry today and ready to explode and probably shouldn't be at work but I have no choice.....

What do you think triggered you? I totally understand what it feels like when subjected to manic episodes.
The worst part of these episodes is that you’re lacking in sleep. For me, if I am deprived from sleep, my mania only gets worse.
I would talk to you Pdoc and see if there is something to help with the anxiety.
Let me know if you need anything
Pamela

[QUOTE=dark_heart_x;2813124]I need to be careful today. I'm having a major episode that started yesterdray at like 7 or 8 p.m. and I barely slept, and what sleep I had crazy dreams and nightmares. I am just extremely angry today and ready to explode and probably shouldn't be at work but I have no choice..

I to struggle with this... I now realize that it has cost me jobs and friends... I haven't found a way to cope with it so ill be interested in others advice...

I know what triggered me. I'm not going to say what it was because I was already told it was stupid and I am not in the mood to hear it again. And maybe it is stupid to some people but not to me.

I don't have a pdoc.

I know that no matter where I am I'll be this ball of rage until I can get it to stop. Which, I'm not very good at without venting and I can't vent.... I just have too much going on and I can't handle it.

DH, breathe, one second at a time. Really try to be mindful right now. And there is no silly reasons.. your reasons are yours whatever they might be, as long as you understand them I think that is the whole point.

Stay in the second, your are strong, you can get through this, and you might even be able to intercept it and change it's course.

Love you sister. We always say hang in there, and sometimes it seems like when is it safe to let go? I think that is where your awareness comes in Dark.. but try to let this pass, and be aware of what you hold on to.

Don't loose sight that you are the warrior Dark, it's like taming the dragon.. you are well armored for this, it's inside you.

Screw whoever said your trigger was silly! Triggers are serious no matter how insignificant they seem to others. Sis, just one breath at a time, idk what time it is over there, but vent as soon as work is over. Gosh, I'd be smoking like a chimney, but that's not good advice. Could you put on some headphones at work? Inbetween clients maybe? For me, music is always a good outlet, even if I cant scream along... Idk, I dont think I'm any help, but I'm listening ((((DHX))))

You can vent here. It's some outlet at least, right? We are listening. There is no "stupid" reason for a trigger, just someone else's perception. But they have no idea what it's like for you. You are smart to be able to figure out your trigger, and to express it to someone. Their reaction is their problem. Maybe after they think about it for the day, they'll be able to better relate, maybe not. But you just being able to figure out your trigger is huge. Can't always avoid them, and they change and pop up on us, I have some new ones all the time. It was unfair for someone to tell you it was stupid, that's just stupid! You are smart, not stupid. Love you lots, hope you get feeling calmer soon. I'm like a zombie at work right now, staring at computer, can't wrap my head around anything. First Monday with kid back to school is overwhelming for me, among other things. Anyway, keep venting away here, as much as you need.

"I to struggle with this... I now realize that it has cost me jobs and friends... "

How true this is.....

DarkHeart, It WILL get better. There is no shame in telling your boss you need to go home sick....

You need a PsychDoc.... We ALL need them here. There is no shame in that.

I can't go home sick today. We have a new class starting in the evening and people have to pay with the credit card machine and no one else is (willing) able to use the stupid machine, so I get to stay until perhaps 7 p.m..... today is not a good day for this. But my review is next week so I have to be prefect.

Do you have any break-through meds to take? Some Xanax? Just a little something to take the edge off?

PS I'm not ashamed to have a pdoc, I just don't have one. Before the co-pay was too expensive. Now I don't have insurance. I don't qualify for adult medicaid. I want to go to the county but we're going to be moving in approximately 1 month, and it will be to a new county. So, I'm going to wait to set up with that so I only have to do it one time. You see?

No, all I have is lithium and it's at home.

Damn.... I wish there was something we could do for you. Can you take a break and go feel the sunshine for a few minuets?

I can relate . I wish I had some advice I am still working on how to chill out when triggers come my way. It must be especially difficult without meds. I have lost and walked away form many jobs because of my anger issues.

Maybe you don't take the lithium cuz it's not the right answer for your body/mind? Or do you want to take it, but just forget? Have you ever tried add meds, could you possibly have add also? Sorry if we already talked about it before... I think we did but can't remember. Ugghhh I hate not remembering stuff. Since I have add and bpII dx's, for me, it's mostly important to address the add cuz those related symptoms trigger me into hypo or depressions big time. Does that make sense? You'd think it'd be the other way around, because bp is more serious and life threatening. But the add is more treatable is what I think I'm trying to say.

I don't have an ADD dx. I haven't tried meds for it but they are all super expensive and now with no insurance I don't think that's possilbe. My husband is the one with ADD (but I think he may also have BP.) I don't think I have ADD though.

The thing that triggered me is that I lost something that I can't get back. And it's not like a major important thing that was lost but it was important to me and there's no way to get it back. It was like an oportunity. Once you lose your oportunity it's over. Right? So anyway.... I was really angry and hurt by this lost thing and it's kind of complicated.... anyway...

Then later I was not sleeping because I was really mad, so I went to sit alone in the office to try to calm down, and I saw that my dad had called 2 times on Saturday on my broken phone. I haven't spoken to him or seen him since the huge fight on Dec. 16. But I've had some pretty major rage melt downs (when alone) about him and his stupid wife. Anyway, I listened to the messages right then, which was a stupid idea.

In the first message he just says it's him and to give him a call. The second message he says to call him because they have something to give me, then "Love you bye." And then I just went and laid down and like sobbed for an hour in like this rage and sorrow mixed with like intrusive thoughts.... and like thoughts of him laying dying int he hospital all alone, but me both super angry and super sad. Because he lied to me and he's so judgemental and I have spent my whole life trying to live up to his stupid standards. So it's like this rage/sorrow mix.... I don't know how I didn't wake up my husband, he must have been really tired.... And then this morning my dad texted my old phone saying he wants me to go over there this weekend.

He could either be wanting to give us our christmas presents or our 30 day notice to get out. I don't know. But I don't want to see him or talk to him. And I can't think logically and I know if I talk to him right now I will just explode. So it was one trigger into another trigger, and into another one....

This is why I always say to all you parents who are there for your kids no matter what that you are a good parent because my dad turns his back on me and lets me struggle and then judges me for it, then tries to act like everything is fine. It's wrong.

Not sure what time zone you're in, dh, but... looking at the clock...maybe almost there? (Hoping hoping!)
Let us know how it went. It's especially hard to feel that way at work!

Probably just the stress and lack of sleep making these "look like add to me" symptoms. They are common in depression and mania/dysphoria. Maybe my add makes me see imaginary add in others. Wish I could order you up some massage or something (if you even like that - I've been day dreaming about massage today - it would really help me).

Probably best to not visit or talk to dad right now, right? He's really broken your trust by lashing out at you and then acting like nothing happened. I've noticed my bf does that after conflict, likes to act like nothing happened, but I need some apologies and reassurance that I'm loved. And things bother me a lot longer than they seem to bother him. Very different of course, but maybe part of how men communicate differently than women. (no offense to the compassionate strong communicator men out there).

I'm trying hard to be a good parent and not turn my back, thank you for reminding me about that. My son is off at a girl's house idk where, we have court tomorrow. I have to keep trying, can't turn my back on him. I'm sure you've not even done anything to warrant how he treats you, it's probably the wife's venom or jealousy putting him in a bad position where he did not choose the high road. I'm so sorry things are going like this with him. Hopefully you're leaving work now, and can have some respite at home. My wish for you, a peaceful bath with lavendar bubbles, and a funny looking santa rubber ducky. Or a night of peaceful gaming, fighting cute-ish monsters (that's what I do in my latest favorite online game, such a great escape). You are special and magical and deserve a break.

Good call on avoiding daddy dearest at this time, you're looking after yourself, and that's a wise thing to do. For what its worth, your trigger doesn't sound silly or petty in the least, I've been known to go apeshit and have a meltdown over lost or broken irreplacable things, add family drama to that, and YOU my dear sister are handling it swimmingly. I mean, to show up and stay at work in that state? You really are a warrior I'm thinking of you, and hope you find the release you need

I was not well all last night.... I didn't go to sleep until 4:45 a.m. and my alarm goes off at 5:56.... My trigger didn't get resolved but I think progress was made... but it was a long, long, sleepless night. And then.... that sudden drop off. And now I'm swimming in the post-episode stagnant pool. I don't know how else to describe it.

That's a good description my only comment would be that until u deal with your father it will always be there as a trigger. Also I don't deal with my triggers and its made my life even more miserable