Am I bipolar or not? Help diagnose me.

Hammy dependent traits can come with abuse too. A lot of us who have been abused have also become dependant because we lose trust in ourselves, we loose self worth and self esteem, confidence to trust our own judgement so we can end up being dependent even on our abuser. But that doesn't mean personality disorder or permanent. From what you have said about your parents and childhood, healthy self esteem, confidence, worth and trust in yourself were not qualities that were fostered or nourished. Add your ex to that mix, then no wonder. I was very dependent and independent all at the same time, and wrong times...just a hodge podge of confusion because of my upbringing and early adulthood experience. So we just start to develop these things and have to foster them in ourselves a little later in life than some others, but we can become independent in all the ways we should be.

You have been very independent since and continue to grow more independent. I think your self esteem and trust in your ownself has been growing a lot. Especially in this last year... Breaking the chains that bound you.

Don't worry to much and just keep doing what you have been doing. You have changed a whole lot and grown a lot, in good positive ways. Look at all the boudaries you have been able to establish and stick to with your ex and even in your other relationships now. You have been making desicions and choices ..you are doing good.

You know I think we have the ability to change most things, and this is one I really believe we can change.

Anika, I have changed in positive ways, true, thank you for confirming that. I thought of it this morning when I treated myself to a brunch at the local German bakery (since I used to live in Germany, I like the bakery).

I was alone by myself for the first time. Without ex, or ex and the children. And I was thoroughly enjoying just being by myself. That is progress.

I was thinking: BEFORE I got the assessment from Rosalie, PhD in psychology, you said that I had dependent traits and Ophelia said that I was submissive to ex. That is exactly what Rosalie wrote in her report. But you said it BEFORE.

Neither you nor Ophelia are college educated. Let alone graduate school.

I think this is something.

I did say that yes, and at the time I prayed you wouldn't hold it against me. But like Anika, I believe that behaviours can be altered, improved upon, if the person is willing and has the right tools or guide. Its in no way set in stone. Not in my book anyway.

You have made progress in leaps and bounds, and I am über-proud of you Hammy

So dont get caught up in the labels or traits, but rather how you can evolve away from it

You have changed a whole lot Hammy, really its inpiring and amazing. I know that it has taken a lot of strength and these are challanges I have faced to, that are neither easy to face, admit, or change. This last year you have done it like a sprint runner!!

I know you have not always had an easy time giving yourself credit for your acheivements. Hehe I remember trying to convince you to take credit for some of them on more than one occasion, where you seemed reluctant too. So see you are even starting to do that too!! That is really important, the ability to acknowledge our own success and hard work. Thats hard for some of us. But it nourishes our self confidence too.

I think you should do something special, set some time aside to celebrate all you have accomplished this year. Reuniting with your son, taking control back over your life, becoming more stable in your moods, even getting back into the dating world, and look how you have been working with your dr's to manage your own health. Becoming and staying active, riding your bike etc. You really have a lot of acheivements worth celebrating.

And I am very very proud of you and admire your determination.

As for me and Ophelia, the stuff they are learning in their books in higher education in thise feilds comes from real peoples experiences of living, we all have no shortage of real life experience.

One thing I am working on right now is fear of success or accomplishment. There are some things I want to do and I back down because I am scared of acheiving. What will that feel like?? I have acheived things in life but those are private accomplishments, that I can keep to myself or share here with my online friends. They are not very meadsurable and not as public and that is holding me back. So challenges keep popping up from stuff we have been through, but we get to choose if we tackle it or not, and when we are ready.

Ok, I came up with the following plan:

- I will see the p-doc on March 22 and discuss going off Prozac for a month and having another appointment in a month

- in a month, if all is well, I will ask him to taper off Lithium.

This is because if I do have Bipolar, then it makes sense to leave going off Lithium till the end, because Prozac taken without Lithium can cause (hypo)mania if I indeed am Bipolar.

Makes sense?

No, I want to know sooner rather than later. Will go off both. Will just stay on the sleep medicine.

T told me though that the meds themselves can cause sleep issues. So yeah, Prozac can. So maybe once off Prozac, I can try to sleep without medication. I doubt it will work though, but I will try...

I do think going off of them one at a time might be better. And also agree that the prozac should be first, lithium last.

When I came off my meds, I came off benzos first, antidepressant second, ap's next and then tegratol and lithium was very last. I think you might be more successful if you take it slow and go one at a time. Yes it will take longer but sometimes coming off the meds messes us up a bit and you need a little time to regroup before going further. There is a reason why so many people who drop all their meds quickly end up right back on them . There is a rebound effect with a lot of these meds, you come off them and your brain needs time to adjust to not beih fed a constant supply. This is where we can freak out and sometimes mistake this for symtoms returning. Sometimes that might be the case, othertimes that is just part of the process which will improve with a little time.

Ultimately it's your choice Hammy, but try to patient...slow and steady wins the race, when it comes to dropping meds I think that can really help increase your success. I know I felt very impatient to come off them and it took forever it seemed but I am glad I took it slow.

I bet after a little while off the meds your sleep will improve. Mine has forsure, I still only average 4 -5 hours but I am not missing nights anymore either and I feel rested. I think that is my natural rhythm.

Also Hammy whether bipolar or not coming off them can cause some instability, so make sure you are being mindful and using some of your other skills in that time. Riding your bike and stuff like that durring the process would be a good thing.

Lithium rebound sucks. X.X

OK. Convinced. Off Prozac first, then off Lithium in stages. 900 --> 600 mg.

I am not sure that I, personally, will get Lithium rebound, because I did not get one last year when my dose was reduced from 1500 mg to 900 mg, which was a big enough reduction. But of course one cannot predict what going down to zero would cause.

I think stepping down off meds w/ help from ur provider is good. U mentioned "if u are bipolar". Is ur provider still uncertain?

You're still at a therapeutic dose though?

I don't start getting the rebounds til a week or two after I drop the med. Everything makes me cry. (Or I experience nausea) I used to do this all the time with lithium. :<

yes I am, the dose went down last due due to lithium intoxication which was pretty severe - required a night at the hospital

he has been seeing me since August. He said: "There is nothing bipolar about you but you are medicated, so that may be why."

In other words, without removing the meds, he cannot say.

Hi, I'm new here!

I just wanted to add to the discussion that, as I understand it, if one if diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, this will continue to be your Axis I diagnosis whether you currently have symptoms or not. In other words, the fact that one is not currently symptomatic (whether due to effective medications or whatever) does not negate the diagnosis. It is considered a chronic disorder, therefore the diagnosis is always there (in your chart) whether you are symptomatic at the moment or not.

If nothing else you'll get a baseline reading by going off meds. I've often thought about doing this, but it probably wouldn't be smart for me.

Was this recent you spent night in hospital Hammie? Im so sorry. Have I been that out of it? I noticed nothing except weight loss quitting lithium last November, was on 600 mg / day. But it did help me out of a "med resistant depression" at one time, so I will thank it for that.

Blue, it was in May of last year. It was a hospitalization on a medical unit. Not a psych one. It felt so weird for a change - they did not remove my shoelaces and did not keep my cell phone for the night.

Oh I see. Lithium toxicity scares me, I hope I can be successful off of it, I think I can do it. Time will tell.

since BP cannot be objectivelly testes and HB's symptoms collided with life situation to a big degree... fact that diagnosis was made doesn't really tell much.

Right, plus who dx'd me? H then ex H, and then I would relate his words to various p-docs who went along.

But even outside of my situation, I think every dx in the absence of blood tests, MRI's, or what have you, can be questioned. How is the dx made? Based on a mixture of self-report and clinical observation. Now, both are subjective.

Yes, very suggestive I agree. A clinical dx is just that, observation, perspective, self-reported experiences and usually just a snap shot of a person during a short amount of time. My pdoc took about 4 years before dropping the bp dx bomb on me.

My pdoc did not take as long. My observation, perspective, self-reported experiences were obtained records from the last year and family history. I have two sisters with BP...1 with BP1 and 1 with BP2.

I think that my p-docs were trigger-happy once I reported having a bp mother.

Just for the sake of completeness... the book "The Wheat Belly" suggests that diet modifications erase the dx of diabetes, which IS made using a blood test. If that is true indeed, even a dx made by objective means can be removed. Do not know if it is true - just reporting what I have read in the book.

I have been off meds for two weeks. Of course, except for the sleep medicine.

long story short, I lost coverage through Santa Clara mental health, it will take a while to restore it because I do not qualify income-wise but would qualify if they consider my support obligations but it will take them awhile to process.

In the meantime, I ran out of Levoxyl. I cannot take Lithium without Levoxyl or I would be violently sick with a thyroid disease (happened in 2011).

I tried getting it via my former clinic (private practice). they sent brand to the pharmacy. The brand was too expensive. The pharmacy tech said he would request generic. In the meantime I was not taking Lithium. Not being on Lithium, I stopped Prozac.

Doing well.

Wrote to p-doc asking whether he wants me to continue off meds or go back on Lithium whenever I get cheap Levoxyl.

have not heard back from him, possibly because I have no coverage.

No episodes, just very upset about the deadlock created by ex and his attorney.

But who would not be upset???