[Victoria'smom]

Trigger for BP, eating disorder, and relationship issues.





















Trigger for BP, eating disorder, and relationship issues.


My meds were screw'd up for a bit leaving me isolating, violent, paronod, and SI'ing. My husband's meds were adjusted recently also. On top of all the stress with my son and grandma. My house has become very volatile between my husband & I because of my food intake or lack there of. He feels I'll die in the next few weeks because my liquid intake is 2-20 oz generally in the middle. My food intake isn't much better. I'm normal weight.

He's so hurt by this. He asked (after a huge fight over me isolating, ED) if we're over. I told him I don't know. I gave up my parents & siblings when I was younger for my ED. 13 years later I'm in the position that I feel pushed to choose my husband & son or my ED. It should be an easy choice but I told him when we met and it's always been a power struggle but never this bad. THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! I see and am honest with my T, I take my meds. WTF does he want from me? I'm trying, just because he knows changes nothing. I don't want to lose everything but I've choose ED over everything before and I'm not sure I'm past that. I don't want to hurt him the rest of his life and I don't want my son growing up in a bad environment but I love them.

Would you stay or leave? any other options appreciated?

[manicminer]

You've overcome this before, you can overcome it again.

Nothing is worth losing what family you have left. Think of your son. He needs you.

Keep on pushing ahead. Keep working with your T and make sure the T knows everything that has been going on.

Best wishes and good luck

[Bipolar mom]

I agree with manic... You can fight this.

[Victoria'smom]

Sad thing is I don't know if I want to! Or if all this is coming from my un-medicated mess while I'm tier-ing up to the correct dose. I don't want to ruin my life over being under-medicated but I feel like I'm stringing them along :'(

T know everything I think I over-share

[~Christina]

MM,

I can relate to your entire post. I have done it all.

My husband tries to understand my BP. But he can't understand my ED and the cutting at all. Hell sometimes I don't even understand it.

ED and cutting as you know is mostly caused by self loathing and lack of self worth. I hope that you can hang in there.

You love your husband and son, that is so evident in your posts about them. I think you are just in a really lousy place right now, but remember it will pass.

Hug your husband and tell him you love him and you are just a bad place right now and your working your way out of it. ( I have done this and it helps to reassure your loved one that you are working hard.)

Keep talking to your T , you can never over share.

You are loved, Know that you deserve that love. You are not alone, not at all.
You are in my thoughts and I'm sending you good thoughts always

[Victoria'smom]

Christina- you made me cry

[Anika.]

The biggest challenge any of us face with ed's is wanting to get better. This seems particularly true with anorexia. There are a few personality traits many anorexics share, many of the type A variety which can drive you to perfect the ed further, but you can use that against it as well. And I know for me MM anorexia started when I was 5, one thing I had my entire life to lean on when all else failed ...and I know that many others have the same thought process.

I went to outpatient ed clinic and dietician and that really didn't help at all. If anything it made the pull stronger and that seems to happen often.MM I never got the true want to get better until I started yoga and then it just happened. Slow but it happened. I let go. I know that they use yoga as form of therapy for all ed's and that it has high success rate. I don't know if you have tried this option. I went there not knowing that and it still made a huge impact on the way I see and treat my body. I wonder if that might really help you too. If you do try I recomend going to a studio because you will also recieve support and a good healing environment. And I know that for me I started at 3 days a week and that was enough to keep me in that good place and be effective. My obsessive thoughts have been cleared away and I do not restrict anymore. There have been a few times when I was very ill and stressed where I slide a little but got back on track. Heck anything is worth a fair shot.

I can find you articles on this if you would like. There is a lot out there on this.

Now I was someone who would not give my ed up for anything. Nothing could deter me even when I was becoming emancipated and having a lot of health problems so I cannot believe how much that changed me. It can be down right scary thinking of giving it up, but yoga gave me new ways to replace what I was using the ed for and it was not scary. Actually now thinking of going back to it is scary. Didn't ever expect that to happen.

I like Christinas idea of how to handle this with your husband. I know you love them dearly. And I know how strong the pull of ed can be. But you can do this I think. It is very hard I think for people to really understand anorexia unless you have been there. The driving pull is hard to understand especially when it comes to something as against human instinct as this. And I know your husband loves you and yes he is probably very worried and confused. How can he understand this, my bf doesn't understand it either. I did notice how much the bipolar plays on the ed especially if you also use ed for control. I struggled with that a lot.

Try to rememeber that ed is much like addiction and that is it talking right now. You have the power within you to shut it down. Its really not your friend. And like Christina said this will pass, you are strong and you can get through this.

Always remeber there are quite a few of us here who understand this well and can relate to what you are going through. You are not alone in this. Anytime you want to talk we are here and care about you very much.

Sorry I ramble on so much but I really want you to get well and find peace with your own body. I understand how hard this is and how much it hurts. I don't want to see anything happen to you either.

Wow. Touching posts...
Teared me up a bit too. And as one who can't relate at all to either (EDs or cutting), it can't be chalked up to relatability. What it can be chalked up to is how very clear it is that you are well-loved here, Mm!

You know, with your husband recently having gone through a med change, and you in the midst of ramping up on your new med (and wondering if not being up to proper dosage is contributing, to boot...) You've both been on the ride long enough to realize that it's probably not the best time to be making big decisions, yes? Like Christina suggested, let him know how you love him and how you are working through it and maybe give a gentle reminder that's it's not a good time for big decisions. He may well simply not thought about that, being caught up in the midst of a turbulent time. It happens.

[Anika.]

Also MM not to be pushy but yes if you are taking in such little fluids and not enough food you can die. Even if you have done it before and got through it. The heart literally shrinks and heart failure can happen anytime. The longer the ed is present the higher the risk. It really is like roulette. You do not have to be severely underweight or underweight at all for this to happen. The chronic starvation is enough. There is no safe line.

Please try to at least make sure you get electrolytes into your body. It is concerning because I think you said before that you don't drink much water but mountain dew. I hope I am remebering correctly, forgive me if I am not. But electrolytes are exteremly important for heart funtion and organ function. You can buy tabs called nuun at sports stores or health food stores that are flavoured and you just pop it into a glass of water. You could even do half a glass of water. Coconut water is the best source of electrolytes and very little calories same as nuun tablets.

Next best choice is childrens pedialyte which also comes in popcycles or gateraide.

Do you ever have shakes? Would Boost or Ensure be an option, that can be easier and quicker than eating. They are not that high calorie but at least you will be getting required nutrients.

I hope this does not upset you, I really just want you to be safe.

I agree with Iz too, not the time to be making descisions. It's very hard to see where he is coming from, but on the other hand MM he loves you very much and this could kill you, he cannot say that is ok. He could really loose you permanently if he did. It can be frustrating but I am sure he just wants you to be safe and not hurting.

[Victoria'smom]

Thanks, I love you guys. It's hard to think people will understand given so many don't. Especially when I started at 8 with no trauma to "trigger" it. Even T doesn't understand but she understands addiction and equates it to that. I printed out an article for T that explains me to a tee when I was younger.

Also MM not to be pushy but yes if you are taking in such little fluids and not enough food you can die. I know but I've gripped on to it whole heartily. To the point that I "branded" myself with a pro-ED symbol recently. I don't feel a clinic will help and the nutritionist looked at me like I had three heads. which so did not help. Yes, I use to drink up to 20 oz of mountain dew a day. Now, only enough for my meds and if I eat a "meal" which is usually around ever other day and I'm still average weight. I didn't think about a yoga class. We have a new studio that I may be able to afford 2x a month. So that's worth checking into for myself and son.

I told my husband that I would go and re-do all the ED related medical tests. His response was whatever. In his defense he realized the whole lack of fluids and razors within 24 hrs of each other. That's why you don't go snooping through peoples stuff. I need to remind my husband about our 6 month rule about any major decisions. He's so scared and it comes out as anger which doesn't help with me being so defensive about this topic. One of the problems is he has the opposite issue but "can take medicine" (his words) for the health effects. It doesn't help that he blames everything on himself.

He's beyond mad at my T but I realize posting this T thinks I'm in a far better spot than I am. She treads lightly because the mental health system has not worked for me in all 18 yrs I've been trying to get help and does not want me to just shut down. I need to sit down with him and our T's and make a plan. It'll probably start with IV fluid. She's getting the OP too. Bipolar really makes it so much harder. As far as my meds contributing I think they do a lot because hunger is a very new and freaky feeling. Along with the feeling everyone's trying to rip this away from me. Pdoc wasn't happy when I asked him to change meds because it makes me hungry

I really need to get Gatorade or pedialyte and a multi-vitamin. Boost isn't covered even with a prescription.

I hope this does not upset you, I really just want you to be safe. It doesn't upset me at all that's why I posted here because this board is like one big awesome family
that is it talking right now It's so hard to remember.

Okay enough sharing on my part right now.

MM

[~Christina]

I'm proud of you what you need to do right now to get healthier, tough work but you can and do want this.

I , for one .. look up to you, Yes I do

Stay safe

[ellipsisdream]

I do not have much to offer other than hugs and understanding. I lost a wonderful relationship to my ED and I estranged most of my family for quite a time. I am also Bipolar and those two together were so hard for anyone to take. They were hard for me to take. They still are.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you can use the supports you have in your life to get through...

[Victoria'smom]

We had a long disjointed (on my part) conversation until I made him exasperated again. I swear that's easy to do! He's more sad now and not happy that "I'm just not understanding. I'm understanding each part but not connecting it and it frustrates him because I'm smart", See I can listen for two seconds. He thinks I'm attacking myself instead of others I guess that's better, right? My word vomit today I guess made him understand me better because I made him sad instead of mad. Who knows.

T will probably call tomorrow because I told her I was paranoid to see her Monday. That's she'd "lock me up" and to remind me that she wont. So I'm not looking forward to that but it's much needed.

[Anika.]

I agree it is much needed right now MM. I hope things settle down.

Well sad seems little better than angry. Maybe getting closer to what he is really feeling. Do you have a T you see together? Do you think that mighy help right now?

Keep hanging in there, I have a feeling things will get better. I am sending you all the positive energy I can for some peace.

Let us know how it goes tomorrow ok, I am worried about you but I know you can get through this.

[Anika.]

Oh I will find you some articles MM on the yoga and how that works with anorexia, the approach that you bring to it will ve different than any other type of exersice.

Also some studios offer payment through seva or dana which is sanskrit for service or donation. Everyone should have the yoga practise available to them regardless of money and many yoga studios follow this. That might be something. If you want I could try to help you find a studio that offers this in your area. I think it would be so beneficial for you and money should not stand in the way. Donation is a good option, I know it can be expensive otherwise.

If you want you can PM me your area and I'll search for something. If you are not comfortable giving your area no worries, I understand that as well.

Hope tomorrow brings a better day MM.

[Victoria'smom]

There's only one yoga studio in my whole "city". They opened about 6 months ago. We do have T together but that's a week after my individual T. Right now I think I would feel they were ganging up on me and I'm much less defensive with T so it's best if I go alone this time at least.

[Anika.]

Aww I can understand that. I have only ever had T alone or in group so I can imagine that would be hard.

Just try to be as open with T as you can be.

Try to just take it one minute at a time right now and deal with each moment as it comes. I have to get to bed for work in the morning, but try to get some sleep if you can tonight. Don't think about you app tomorrow it will be ok.

[Victoria'smom]

I have T on Monday. I'm trying to keep myself tired so I'm not as impulsive. T was supposed to call but hasn't yet so maybe friday. DH is having a complete meltdown right now and sunk to a dark place. Gotta love BP.