[Speed3]

This morning was ok. I did what I had to do. Didn't go as well as I was thinking.
But still felt ok.

4hrs later... I feel like sh.....t. Alone, lonely, nothing feels worth doing, emotions well up from my core,feel worthless, feel like a total failure, Don't know what I should do,tired of this roller coaster, tired of life. Just tired. Can't say what I really want to against policy.

Too tired to figure out how to pull myself out of this abyss

[Clinte89]

Im sorry your going through such a rough time but I feel for ya. I know what that feels like but you have that on top of grief. Hang in there speed you can do it.

[BlueInanna]

Just take minute by minute. Keep talking to us. You're overwhelmed, exhausted. You're processing therapy. I'm so proud of you btw, getting out and getting a pedi, going to therapy. What can you do to help / nurture yourself right now? For me, it's usually curling up with blankets hug myself watch tv or just stare out the window.

Just keep talking to us here, ok? I have to get to therapy too. But I will be back in a few hours.

Haven't known you that long, but love you Leslie, so much has happened in this short time. Please be safe. There's a reason we all found each other when we did, I really believe that.

[tribalwolf]

I'm so sorry to hear you going to such a rough time, I agree with what has been said so far. I also understand the loss and grief, you are processing one of the most horrific things that you can the loss of the child.
But you are strong enough to get through this, just know that you are not alone, that there are people here who care in their here for you. I wish there were more I could say or do to help you through this time.

The Wolf

[faerie_moon_x]

Hang in there, Speed. Just take it one minute at a time if you have to.

[Speed3]

It didn't help that the grief counselor not once but twice told me how high a risk I am for suicide. Unstable bipolar, death of son, no supports, mother committed suicide, and I have had multiple attempts.

The two things in my life that mattered the most to me I failed miserably at.
Helping my Mom get better, she commits suicide. Watching over my son at home keeping him safe, the day he died I let him use my car to go to the store. I gave him the opportunity to buy Heroin and it killed him. TOTAL FAILURE
How can I live with myself, not.

Oh, Speed, please get another grief counselor. Just like physicians, some are super,
others are good, and some just don't have the personal sensitivity that is needed to be helpful. You didn't deserve that.

You're not responsible for your mother's suicide, nor are you responsible for your son's death. His was an accident, and you may never know why your mother killed hereself. Neither of those means that you would think about doing the same thing.

You've a lot to live for. Your husband has pleaded with you not to do something
drastic. Please tell your husband about this and ask him to get another counselor for you right away. This one was not good in the sense of being SENSITIVE.

[ArthurDent]

You should be proud of yourself, speed. You've covered ALOT of difficult ground this week alone! And if you can't be proud of yourself, at least let your intellect process the fact that many of us here are proud of your strength, even when you feel weak.

And on a more personal note, and please forgive me if I am overstepping my bounds...You can't judge yourself in hindsight. You can't judge a year ago by what you know today. You didn't know in the past what you know today. Don't judge yesterday's actions by today's knowledge.

[tribalwolf]

Speed,

you did not kill him, it was the addiction they kill him. Whether you gave him the keys to your car to go to the store or not, the opportunity for him to find those drugs would have been there. I know you want to believe that you could have kept him safe but with addiction that just isn't true. The only one who can keep an addict safe is the addict him/herself.

I can feel the pain of the loss, but you cannot take on the guilt of addiction.
I know whether the team can do, I am now facing treatment for hepatitis C and I could just as easily have overdosed and died has gotten that illness. Matter of fact the woman who intentionally gave me hepatitis, overdosed and died only two months later.

I wish there were some way I could take the way this pain that you feel, but please trust me in telling you that there is very little you could have done to stop the addiction and you do not deserve to be punished the way you are punishing yourself.

The Wolf

[Darth Bane]

there is nothing worst than mental torture... all of us would trade mental pain for physical pain if we could... if only that was possible.... sometimes nothing works... ... i really dont know what to say.. you are facing just too much... we are here for you and we are listening.... take care...

[Clinte89]

Speed you didnt do anything to hurt him, just becuse you gave him your car to go to the store that means nothing, if he really wanted it he would have gotten it either way. In no way are you a failure. Hang in there speed you can pull through this.

[BlueInanna]

How are you doing? Thinking of you. Hoping hoping hoping maybe some relief and comfort when hubby gets home.

[Victoria'smom]

You are not a failure. Your not responsible for either death. Please keep yourself safe even if it means hospitalization. Please call pdoc tomorrow for IOP or inpatient. You are so much stronger then you give yourself credit for.

[Speed3]

Thanks for the support
I went to bed at 5:30pm last night right after my husband came home.
I am so depressed it is hard to think or process anything. I feel like someone drained all the blood out of me.

I am being tortured by the image of trying to breathe life back into my son. It keeps playing over and over. Along with a voice in my head asking if I did it right.

I have a 10:00 am Reiki appointment. I hate to cancel things at the last minute.
So I need to find some energy from somewhere. I definitely need to shower, dress, drive... They seem like monumental tasks.

I have to pull out of this. I need my mind back to write up goals for my first meeting of HEAR on 2/6.

so you administered CPR.... wow. You really did do everything that you could....

and your grief counselor told you that you were high risk and then sent you on your way? As my daughter would say, he's acting like a total a.s.s.h.a.t.

He or she doesn't sound all too educated. The impulses for that are prolly overwhelming, but in the end you have seen firsthand the trauma and grief that a loved on leaving this earth brings. I know that you would never do that to the ones that love you!

sooner or later, you'll have to come to terms with the fact that you did everything that you could do. The images, oh man they would mess me up, but those are from the traumatic event. PTSD is my best guess. Have you started any treatment for PTSD? I don't even know what the treatment entails... but it's worth finding out from Pdoc.

[Speed3]

Yes I was an EMT at one point and my husband works in the medical field. He did compressions I did the breaths. I kept saying we needed suction, to clear his airway of vomit. Now I think why didn't I think of a small hand held vacuum I have. There are so many What ifs.

Yes it probably is PTSD. You are right after seeing that I could not do that to my husband.

Off to Reiki

but the fact is, is that nothing was going to make a difference, because you did the best that you could. I think that finding peace with the fact that you did everything the best that anyone could have possibly done is the first step. small, small steps, okay?

[Speed3]

Yes you are so right

[Yoda]

As parents we feel we are responsible for our children but they make their own choices. Unfortunately your son made some very bad choices and he and the family and friends he leaves behind are affected horribly by that. When my BF died I had terrible guilt and said the serenity prayer repeatedly.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.