[Resident Bipolar]

We got into yet another huge argument, courtesy of my bipolar and swinging mood. He was upset because of a joke I made that he took badly. And I spent 4 hours trying to cheer him up. I couldn't. So I get depressed and then irritable. And then I went moody. And then I angered him. And there was an argument. He ignored me. I rang 60 times in one hour, maybe more.

Now. He's said it's over. And I'm sat on the kitchen floor crying. Nothing but a laptop. The not self harming has gone out the window.

Before I met him I was an alcoholic. Drinking a couple of litres of whisky or vodka or both a day. I was suicidal. I was self harming. I was lonely, and depressed, and weak.

He met me. We got together. I didn't need the drink anymore. I didn't want to die because I'd leave him behind. I didn't self harm for months because he didn't like me doing it. I felt loved, happy, and strong.

Now he's gone. And so is all that.

I'm not meant for love. I can't do it. Some might say bipolar can be overcome. But how can I overcome it when it makes me such a difficult person to handle? To love?

I'm unlovable. Everything is gone.
I'm back to square -1. And the world is just as cold and empty as it always was :'(

[~Christina]

I'm sorry RB

Maybe some time will allow things to cool down. Right now you need to stay safe.

[Victoria'smom]

Breath.... give it time. Distract yourself in non-harmful ways until bed. Please keep talking.

[hamster-bamster]

It sounds like overall, on balance, it was a rather positive experience. You cared about him and he, about you. That shows that you are capable of developing a deep connection.

[Darth Bane]

take care....

im sorry for what happened. youre not unloveble reach out to a friend or family or here on pc. i hope you will get some support. you might feel alone and lost now but call someone and try to stay ok. hugs

[faerie_moon_x]

You're not unlovable. Sometimes things just don't work out.

[Clinte89]

No one is unloveable you just have to find someone who is maybe more understanding of the bipolar. I'm sure you'll find another one in time. Just stay safe and try not to be so hard on yourself.

Psychiatry and alcoholics anonymous are two routes to follow to improve your feeling tone for you.

Your life is being lived from a "need" position rather than from a "helpful" position.

Try to get help so that you learn how to live, not destroy yourself as alcohol and
passion are capable of doing.

Getting clean from alcohol abuse will permit you to see things differently in life and
enable you to establish a healthy, positive, enduring, and caring relationship based
on real love, not deep, unfulfilled needs that make a slave of one.

[Mara Mountain]

Thank you for your post resident I can definitely relate. When we place all of ourselves in a relationship and when that fades we are left devastated (which is an understatement). I would like to suggest that you sign in as many times as you can to PC and read others experiences. It will help you to not feel alone and it will remind you that better days are to come. Reading your post has helped me in the sense that I now feel I have someone to relate to. Be strong and love you first and foremost!

Originally Posted by genetic

Psychiatry and alcoholics anonymous are two routes to follow to improve your feeling tone for you.

Your life is being lived from a "need" position rather than from a "helpful" position.

Try to get help so that you learn how to live, not destroy yourself as alcohol and
passion are capable of doing.

Getting clean from alcohol abuse will permit you to see things differently in life and
enable you to establish a healthy, positive, enduring, and caring relationship based
on real love, not deep, unfulfilled needs that make a slave of one.

[avlady]

i'm so sorry for you, like the others here you are not a bad person or unlovable. you need to learn to love yourself-that's how i saved myself from many years of abuse. keep telling yourself you are a beautiful person. you'll find the pain goes away after the fog clears, now you are probably in the clouds with all that on your plate.

[Victoria'smom]

RB,
How are you doing?

Ooooh, RB! I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly.
You are totally lovable! Wish I had some magic words that would truly comfort you. To help temper the extremes, both that you feel and that you think. Not sure what those words are, but I'm sending them to you anyhow, because it's the feeling behind them more than the specific words...

How are you doing this morning?

(Sorry I didn't respond sooner, RB. I've scarcely been on PC the last couple days, and hadn't checked in with the new threads.)

[Resident Bipolar]

Thank you all for your heat-warming replies. It was definitely a tough time for me, though I managed to keep safe and stay away from sharp objects, I felt very much alone again.

In regards to my past alcoholism, I recovered from it. The amount I drank slowly decreased after I met him, from a liter of whisky a day to a pack of lager every day to a beer every now and then to nothing. He's helped me not only through self injury, stopping me for the longest amount of time since I started at 12, but also made me a better and more loving person and now I don't touch alcohol aside from the rare social event.

About a few hours after he broke up with me we began to speak again and resolved our differences, albeit at a slow rate. Valentines day? I spent the time with him, and that horrible night just seems like a nightmare I want to forget.



^^^ He got me roses, aren't they just such a beautiful and delicate flower? I only wish they'd live forever because he brought me them and well, really he's just as delicate as roses are.

Anyway enough of that sickening love story. It's almost a clique, or maybe it's a huge clique. I'm not sure how it appears to people from outside the relationship. He's really good for me. And now we're back together I feel a lot better.

Just need to fight these Celexa side effects for another week or so!

RB ♥ ♥

I'm so glad to hear things are better, RB!
Last night when I wrote, I so badly wanted to say something about giving it a bit of time, sometimes the heat of the moment people say things and that sort of thing, but know how badly that can come off and so held off. It was a strong feeling though because what you wrote resonated in familiarity with a dynamic experienced in my own relationship. And that is what I have learned to do. My BF has drastic mood swings and I can hear his thinking in what you wrote. And these "tipping points" I guess you'd call them, happen sometimes, and it's been a matter of waiting it out. It just needs some time/contemplation/coming back around to more balanced thinking (from black and white thinking, paranoia, depression, what have you) then things come back together again. Between his dynamic and my BP, it can sometimes get ... well kind of like a barrel monkeys in a bad way. (His dynamic has a lot of BPD to it. It's been enlightening, as I don't have that. It's a perspective that is as foreign to me as my mixed episodes are to him. So, we both lose it, just often in different ways, over different things, for different reasons. But we also connect to each other in a way that is hard to explain, so I get what you mean about not knowing how it appears to the outside world.)

The roses are beautiful! What a great color. Very velvety. So very glad you are feeling better, sweetie. Thanks for the good report.

[Victoria'smom]

That's so sweet!! I would beg you to remember "He's helped me". It's not him that changed you. It's you that have decided and worked on changes. You may want to think about couples counseling so BP doesn't effect your relationship as bad.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

...I would beg you to remember "He's helped me". It's not him that changed you. It's you that have decided and worked on changes...

Ooooh, YES, excellent point!!! What she said!

[Dustystar13]

sorry to here you are having troubles relationships can be hard at time give it time its a great healer. You have loved and you will love again ,take care good luck Dustystar13.

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm so happy things worked out! Don't feel bad about venting like that. I have the same type of doom meltdowns about arguments with my husband. So, I know how it is and how it is just a nightmare you want to forget.

[hamster-bamster]

Very beautiful sscarlet roses.

[Clinte89]

Nice roses and glad you guys worked it out. Thats great! Hope things continue to get better. And yes couples therapy may work out well for you. Its something to look into at least.

[Confusedinomicon]

My boyfriend provided much the same support but I actually made the decision to change.

It is possible to do. Its also possible to work on triggering points so breakups are not necessary. It took me 3ish? Or 4 years before I figured that one out. XD

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Resident Bipolar

In regards to my past alcoholism, I recovered from it. The amount I drank slowly decreased after I met him, from a liter of whisky a day to a pack of lager every day to a beer every now and then to nothing. He's helped me not only through self injury, stopping me for the longest amount of time since I started at 12, but also made me a better and more loving person and now I don't touch alcohol aside from the rare social event.

That is excellent. That you CAN handle alcohol on social events means that you have truly been cured. People who must abstain totally because they cannot handle rare social events without going overboard are still sick.

[Resident Bipolar]

I told my boyfriend I was really stressed and wanted to self harm. He got angry because I told him he wasn't helping (he wasn't, when I told him all he said was "Oh right. Not good").

He ended up saying "**** you, I've ****ing had enough of the the way you expect me to be amazing, you can clearly see that I'm not, just leave me the **** alone, go self harm, right now, I couldn't care less."

So I did self harm. First time I've done it badly in months.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Resident Bipolar

I told my boyfriend I was really stressed and wanted to self harm. He got angry because I told him he wasn't helping (he wasn't, when I told him all he said was "Oh right. Not good").

He ended up saying "**** you, I've ****ing had enough of the the way you expect me to be amazing, you can clearly see that I'm not, just leave me the **** alone, go self harm, right now, I couldn't care less."

So I did self harm. First time I've done it badly in months.

Look, he is your BOYFRIEND. He is not your T. He is not supposed to be helping 24/7. Even therapists are not helping 24/7. Usually, just for one hour a week.