It's Too Hard To Escape...

I haven't really been around here in a while, but I mentioned my boyfriend a while ago in a previous post.

We've been together for 2 years now and it wasn't until last year when I noticed his bipolar cycles were becoming truly problematic for us. He'd have the depressive stages and I wouldn't hear from him in a week or so. Then he'd follow that up with some serious irritability and everything I'd do or say would cause him to yell.

Well, he's on tour with the circus and he won't be back until June. That's a little hard for both of us, but we try to talk on the phone at night to keep in touch. Last night I was talking and we had a little awkward silence and he went off on me. I heard "Why do you bother to call me? Do you really think I care about some of the things you have to say? It really upsets me that you do this to me"... So, I just said "sorry" and tried to push it off and he hung up on me.

I felt upset, of course. Seeing that these reactions have been common, I wasn't exactly surprised. But it got me thinking about our future and about how much more I can take. I used to fight back in the early days and it was pointless. So this morning I tried to be honest and I told him that I loved him very much and that he should seriously consider some form of counseling or self help books... that it's just not fair neither him nor me to go through this at all.

Here's the conversation:

Me: You have to understand that I am having a difficult time manuevering through your moods. I'm always supportive and here for you, but I think it would help if you could see a therapist about this.

Him: If you don't want me, be done with me then. I love you but you have to put up with my crap.

Me: Well, I love you too and I don't want to leave you. But does that mean you can't help yourself out?

Him: Well don't complain* and deal with my bipolarity.

.... Ugh. I feel like in the end I'm going to lose this. I might lose my mind first, but how can manage him?

You can't manage him because of his madness/bipolarity. It is not going to work. Let him go until he is willing to seek/accept help. But it is going to be very difficult because you love him.

Computer ate my post:

1. Get therapy for yourself -To learn what's BP and what's not.
2. Wait to talk about this when he gets home. It's almost impossible to build a theraputic relationship on the road.
3. Invite him to your therapy when he gets home.
4. Is he medicated?
5. What is he doing to help his BP?
6. I worry he's using bp as an excuse.

No, he's not medicated. He used to smoke bags of spice and that would turn him into a zombie... a relaxed zombie. He recently quit and seems to not have any huge withdrawal effects. In the past he would get cranky after a week without it though.

Kind of ironic, but he called me up a while ago and actually had a normal conversation. Almost like me didn't get into that discussion earlier. Might be best to discuss it once he gets back, I agree.

Here is the thing ... regardless of him having Bipolar or not... He is still responsible for his actions. Yes being with a Bipolar person can be a bit more difficult. He needs treatment , Therapist for sure , Medications .. maybe yes maybe no. Couples Therapy ... YES .

Good Luck

talk to him when he is in normal stage of bp.... when he is depressed he will say no to everything, when he is manic it will be yes to everything.... wait till he is normal - stable then you can have some meaningful reasonable conversation with him...

Alright.

I have a feeling it could be a while, but I'll give it a try. He told me last night that he wants to weigh 95 lbs now because of something his ex said in the past. So... I was certainly a little shocked there. I know he'd dropped a little weight since we got together, but when you weigh 120lbs and you think you're fat... I dunno.

I appreciate the responses so far. It's certainly helping me look through another set of eyes.

So my boyfriend is back for 1 day and I plan to see him.

Last night he told me that this guy was moving in... a straight friend of his that he went on tour with. The guy is his "business partner" and "gives him inspiration" but I still don't get why he has to live there. Apparently his living conditions are poor at his house... For someone like me who has yet to spend one night in bed with the boyfriend, that sure seems frustrating. And now my bf expects me to take him as a tag along on dates.

... No offense, but that seems weird... I bet if a straight man brought home another woman (even a lesbian) that it would very awkward for the wife.

tell him you will deal with his crap and not his friend's. its not all bipolar. he is also being guy. if you let him do whatever he wants he will never stop. dont let him use bipolar as excuse in this case.

I think it's great that you're being supportive and understanding, but it's he who has to deal with his bipolar, not you who has to 'deal' with it. This particular dialogue sounds like 'put up or shut up' -but how common is this kind of conversation? Does he ever have any insight into his condition or moments when he is willing to get help?

How/when was he diagnosed? You say he hasn't had treatment, so under what circumstances did this happen -was he hospitalized or something?

He needs to seek help. Psychiatrist and therapist, if he wants to be able to have and learn to have a good relationship. Good luck!

It comes about when something or someone gets on his nerves and he decides to transfer that on me... He doesn't really try to gain insight, but it's something that runs in his family and he was diagnosed in his early teen years. Honestly, I don't see it that bad in his mother or grandmother, but perhaps they're taking a more active role in managing. Plus I'm not there 24/7 either....

I ended up seeing him today, actually! It definitely has made my day ... kind of hard when you don't see somebody. Luckily I got him in a decent state of mind. I know he wanted to sleep until 6pm, but he reasoned and we took a little walk and talk to catch up until he got irritated. He said something along the lines of "I don't understand why you're excited to see me. Why does seeing me have such a value to your life. We've talked on the phone and texted while I've been gone. My friend says that she used to only receive a letter once a week before cells phones came out and that phones have killed the value of relationships".

In English, he's saying that there's a lack of meaning behind today's visit because I was talking on the phone with him last night... And that devalues the worth of seeing your lover's face for the first time in a month. But... when he's at home and we see each other 2-3 times a week, we still text and talk and this "devalues everything" flies out the window. He gets very happy to see me after an absence. Maybe its all the stress of being gone and having to work like a dog. That's my only guess.

Come to think of it, don't people in Long Distance Relationships talk and text?... Because in LDR, you can't see your partner every single week either.

He thinks that the more we talk or text for the next 2 months, the less he'll have a "yearning" ... then why are people in LDR so happy even if they talk and text every day?

So this appears to be pretty much over.

Now the big question. How do I say "no" when he leaves me a voice mail crying and begging for me back?... This is going to be nightmarishly difficult. I love him like a lover and a brother and seeing him hurting like that. I just ughhh I get dragged and let him in.

Yet, he's been sketchy with these random men on Facebook too. Suggesting we have threesomes with people he adds. And when I say I'm not interested, he doesn't remove them and that's scary. What's scarier is that he says he doesn't talk to them, but won't remove them because it's a long process. Absolute rubbish... I've deleted a ton of people over the years. 3 clicks and that's all.

That's my baby... the one that I walked through the forest with, held hands with and was proud to call my own. And I could see the same feeling in his eyes too. It wasn't always a joyride but he's because selfish monster now. Sorry... it's hard to believe that.

I would at least temporally block him or change your number. You need time to heal and a mini vacation.

It's unfortunate ur going through this.
I believe there's a relationship forum.... this would be good for. JMHO

Looks like I'm on the way to ending this relationship now.

He's back from touring and I think he's become progressively worse. The skin picking (pimple popping) that I normally encounter once a week or so has turned to every day now, and I've had to tackle him on a couple of occassions for him to stop. I love him, but I don't understand why the urge skyrocketed here.

The biggest turnaround though is his drug addictions. He had been smoking a chemical blend known as spice for a few years, which hasn't been a problem for me. You could simply drive to the store to pick this stuff up for only $10. I know he still owes me about $100, but I've been giving him time to pay me back. Well, he quit his spice for good and now he's taken up pot. Says that pot is cheaper but he's spending $40 a day in contrast to the $10. Why is he oblivious to these facts?

So, whenever I'm with him, it's become a story of drug dealers calling and him forcing me to drive out across town to find them. I think I should let him be for good, though a part of me will be hurting. Feeling 2nd place to drugs is an awful feeling, especially when that person doesn't see the damage. I've explained that I'm not willing to support his needs because it's not my place. Also mentioned to him that he's loving me but he's not respecting me or my boundaries... yet that doesn't seem to click.

Do you guys know where I'm coming from? I'm not bipolar, but I'm wondering how similar my scenario is and what ends up typically happening in these events.

Just curious, what about him are/were you in love with? Seems like the problems are far outweighing the pros, and he's not seeking help (aka, there's no solution in sight).

Personally, I think that bipolar or not, he needs help. The fact that he's not seeking help speaks more about him than his diagnosis.

I have good days and bad days, and my boyfriend is stoic and supportive, but I'm TRYING. I'm working out meds and getting sunshine and seeing a therapist and reading books and taking an active role in trying to get better. I hate to see so many problems blamed on a diagnosis, because the fact is - he COULD be taking steps to feel better and be less of a jerk.

Well, it's funny that I get asked why I love him, but I'll summarize a bit.

I love for a number of reasons, really. I do enjoy the warmth that he does provide with and for a number of his unique interests. I feel like we're similar in some ways, but different in others. We've been on a number of treasure hikes together and tried out some new theme parks around the area. Also love the special notes that I get from him from time to time; I feel like I see a side of him that he doesn't show in public.

When I first met him, it wasn't love at first site... that's a fact. I thought he was weird when he tried channelling my aura. As time went on, I found this weirdness to be fun and ultimately, his personality hooked me. At that time, he wasn't going off with the circus, nor was his popping puss off my body with a credit card. Maybe he was afraid that I'd be scared away? I don't know.

But yeah, you're right though. It's great that you take an active approach; he thinks that psychologists won't be able to help him, essentially creating a self handicap. It would most definitely be helpful for both us to get to that stage though.

Would you want this man to be the father of your children- forever?

Lol no, it's a gay relationship

(Thank god, no children!)