[BlueInanna]

Maybe there's a reason I ruin everything around me.... Maybe it needs to be destroyed. Like the boyfriend who laughs at me and calls me stupid in front of a group of potential new friends, like the other mom I think is my friend who says wow C is really sensitive....

This is who I am! I waited on him hand and foot, I was a caring and generous lover, always trying to help build his respect around other men .... And end up called stupid for it. I suppose he's somewhat right, but I won't be stupid anymore. Caring and being kind is stupid and he will receive none further from me. What a jerk.

Fml I hate this world. "Must be nice" to not be a sensitive person. I know nothing else, cannot even fathom..

[allimsaying]

This isnt my usual forum to post in Blue but you mentioned Kali and shes such an interesting topic. Its hard to see a good person torn to shreds by unappreciative people. Im sorry you feel bad.

[BlueInanna]

Thank you. Yes Kali's in my life right now, she's taking care of some things that will end up being in my best interest .... Changes that are really hard. And I may have acted "crazy" and scared possible new friends away once again. Oh well.

[allimsaying]

She is the great destroyer. Just dont let her destroy you, ok? Full of grace she is, and more

[BlueInanna]

I know she loves me, and understands me. I was possibly already destroyed. ? Now to pick up the pieces or just walk away to new things.

[allimsaying]

You're on your way there now I can see you, falling, stumbling, getting back up. Kali is wonderful, holding your hand, making your way out of the chaos, smiling, a twinkle in her eye. A beautiful dancer she is. Dont let go her hand and she will let you take her back to her seat and tell everyone at her table what a charm you are

[Trippin2.0]

Yes C, let Kali lead you during this time.
Your bf was a real disrespectful jerk to call you stupid and a disrespectful douchebag to do it in public!
((((((((((Blue)))))))))) So sorry about all of this, you deserve much better than the shyt you're being served
Love you lady I'm here if you wanna talk

I feel like a being of chaos more than one of order, BlueInanna. It helps me to think that is the reason why I am the way I am. I am both very destructive and very compassionate, very loving and full of hate, aggressive and complacent, completely exhausted and yet full of life. I'm always changing. This is who I am and I love myself for it (when I don't hate myself too). Destruction and creation results, I think, from the interactions of chaos and order. When chaos reigns, things are short-lived and always changing, and the world is a better place because of it.

[notALICE]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Maybe there's a reason I ruin everything around me.... Maybe it needs to be destroyed. Like the boyfriend who laughs at me and calls me stupid in front of a group of potential new friends, like the other mom I think is my friend who says wow C is really sensitive....

This is who I am! I waited on him hand and foot, I was a caring and generous lover, always trying to help build his respect around other men .... And end up called stupid for it. I suppose he's somewhat right, but I won't be stupid anymore. Caring and being kind is stupid and he will receive none further from me. What a jerk.

Fml I hate this world. "Must be nice" to not be a sensitive person. I know nothing else, cannot even fathom..

Blue - your sensitivity is a blessing and curse. I think we feel so much more deeply than others. And we can't turn it off.

Lately I've begged my guy to "steal my heart" & help make it impervious to hurtful, hateful and cruel comments from the people who supposedly love me. He can turn his heart to stone, when needed. Sometimes I even need that steal heart for things he says.

I have found you to be one of the kindest, most understanding & genuine of friends on PC. You have given me hope and support. I'm truly sorry you are hurting and wish I had a magical words to make the pain vanish.

Lean on me, if you have to. I'm here for you.

Much

[notALICE]

I also agree with Mandrec - it's how we are. The world would be so boring without people like us. I've come across a few lists of people with this disorder. People who have made the most amazing contributions to our world - globally. Theater, authors, musicians, painters, composers, singers, etc.

[Speed3]

Is Kali the goddess of empowerment ?

So sorry you are going through a hard time.
I am having man trouble, also. My husband can be the most insensitive jerk. He told me he wanted to divorce me the other night. I said ok, do you want the house?

His reply was I am going to 302 you ? I replied I just want you to be happy, and I said to him you just want to make my life hell.

Ahhh, Men

my thoughts are with you, stay strong as you are and know we all love you

[spondiferous]

A little while ago Kali came into my life and resided there for awhile. There are many lessons she teaches, not just destruction, though of course that varies by personal opinion and tradition. In my experience she is a goddess of transformation, or at least that's how she manifested herself to me. Hang in there. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"... I am a firm believer in that. And also that the world needs kind, sensitive people. It's just unfortunate that most of us end up crossing paths with a jerk or two along the way...but they, too, make us stronger.

[Victoria'smom]

Blue you deserve someone that loves, is kind and supportive a real partner. You are surrounded by negative people that like to take advantage of you. Being caring and kind is a wonderful thing don't let “them” take that from you, but learn to be kind and caring to yourself before giving energy to anyone else. Don't wast your kindness on unappreciative people.

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by Speed3

Is Kali the goddess of empowerment ?

So sorry you are going through a hard time.
I am having man trouble, also. My husband can be the most insensitive jerk. He told me he wanted to divorce me the other night. I said ok, do you want the house?

His reply was I am going to 302 you ? I replied I just want you to be happy, and I said to him you just want to make my life hell.

Ahhh, Men

my thoughts are with you, stay strong as you are and know we all love you

Oh speed nice time for him to pull that card... Holy cow
What does 302 mean? Do you want divorce? Could he mean something else like wants to know if you still love him want him? Men confuse me bad, seems like many don't really say what they mean when it comes to emotions.

I'm feeling panicked about all these changes coming on. Uncomfortable with my strong emotions. Took some klon and laying down.

Stood my ground with an exhuberant friend who invited herself over to swim and BBQ ... I tried to muster up some glee to be social but just don't have it today. She has hurt feelings, I apologized. Tried to explain to her that I need to care for my mental health, but most people don't really understand.

I wonder if I'm destroying another friendship, I'm so uncomfortable with putting myself first. Such a people pleaser it drains me. Time for me to take care of me. Time for huge scary life changes. I don't like it.

Clinging to Kali for safety through this time. Take my hand too speed, if I can help too. yes Kali is a badass yet nurturing mother goddess, change and empowerment among other things.

[~Christina]

((((( Blue )))))

I am sorry this is happening . You are a loving wonderful human and sometimes that leads to disappoints. You have so much to offer, you pour your life into your children. your pour your self into your business. I think for a while you really do need to take some time just for you !! Take a hike or just sit outside and allow the calmness of nature surround you. Center yourself. Really do your self care. I think Karma is and will take care of these people who have hurt you. Love is going to come to you in a interesting way as a friend or a lover ... Just a feeling I have .

Stay strong take are of yourself. Love you hun

Im here for you , always

So, I have to ask... what or who is Kali?

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by dumbfounded

So, I have to ask... what or who is Kali?

Here's one version ^^ of her when she's pretty pissed off, slaying demons, I can relate. That is her husband Shiva who is stopping her in her rage, laying down to calm her, and he does calm her. But his god power is also stagnant without her shakti life shaking energy.

She's a hindi mother goddess, also full of mercy and blessings:

[faerie_moon_x]

Sometimes things must be destroyed in order for new things to grow in their place. In order for the fertile soil to bring flowers, you must first cull the weeds that will strangle them, stealing their nutrients. Destruction is not always a bad thing.

[BlueInanna]

Forests need to burn as part of their cycle for new life to grow...

I still don't love change and hate the current uncertainty of my situation. My life is already on fire, so change will probably feel good once it's here.

[dubblemonkey]

...I reckon some things just have to be destroyed ...before they grow so big like into real life monsters and destroy us!

therefore... who and what you refer to as Kali...knows precisely what it is doing and allthough imperceptible to you the reasoning is there.

...it's a very painful and ultimately awkward experience being bent so out of shape!... as we do like our lives to flow in straight lines yet like rivers fast or slow we must follow the contours of the landscape and Kali I guess carves out new paths...

I guess you might be cascading down some diabolical waterfall right now C? tumbling butt over tit and gasping for air

hmmm that was somewhat deep for me today! yikes!

[BlueInanna]

Well said James, thank you. Yes she knows precisely the plan for me and I'm flying down the waterfall (butt over tit...? Lmao interesting visual!)
But still I'm little panicking Sally the ladybug... So afraid of the unknown, but want to let that worry go because the unknown is still there whether I know it or not. maybe best to swim with the rivers flow.

[allimsaying]

I think one of the beauties of Kali is how she understands how we feel about ourselves right now and she sees the true beauty of who we are inside. She has compassion for us and at the same time has anger/retribution towards those who've harmed us. I believe she is ultimately compassionate and will 'dance' with those that caused us pain, in her own time, her own way, and eventually, even those who have hurt us will see the beautiful truth of her reality. Blue, where you are is a better place to be than where they are.

[faerie_moon_x]

I hope you're feeling a little better today, Blue.

[BlueInanna]

Thank you
Think I'm a little better, but still panicky... Had a cigarette after making it 3 weeks darnit! Oh well only human will quit again hopefully longer next time!
I think I may be coming to more peace in regards to these changes, needing to move, end the relationship, bend better with the flows. We'll see. This is another tough week with work, still much uncertainty. Pdoc appt tomorrow, time to talk Honestly with her about the work stress throwing me into crazy and possibilities for hopefully only temporary disability if it comes to that. Big blow to my pride but I need to prepare and get well.

[faerie_moon_x]

Yes, you need to get well. That's the priority right now.