[pink&grey]

I'm new here. Hi. I'm just posting in hopes that writing out what is going on will help me somehow or someone might be able to tell me what is happening to me. I feel so completely scared right now. I can't explain it very well but I'm afraid. I think I'm afraid I will fall apart, afraid I really am worthless, afraid I am wrong about everything, afraid no one loves me. I'm suffering so much and I just want it to stop. I'm frozen. I can't do anything. Just thinking about having to take a shower, pick up my kids from school or - the absolute worst- take my daughter to soccer practice, drives me to tears. I can't make any progress on my work. I'm so alone, I'm so scared, I don't know what to do anymore.
I have an appointment with PDoc in one week. I'm trying so hard to just keep hope that that will help me. But I feel like I'm going to be "discovered", that everything will fall apart. That everyone will realize that I'm crazy....lose my job, lose respect of my kids. My heart is just broken and I can't tolerate myself.
I don't even know if it's OK to post this here. I just don't have anyone and I need someone.

[Moose72]

You have us here. My T told me to "activate"- go do something. I chose coloring, but even getting out with a friend to hang out counts. Can you do that? I think if you actually do something, and something you like, you'll feel better once you are doing it. Even if you just force yourself to take a shower. Even better if you can do that and then go out for coffee with a friend.

[Traveler5]

Dear Pink & Grey:

God bless you with all that you're going through right now. I feel so bad for you and in part can empathize with you. Though I have never experienced in full what you're going through right now and hope you are soon able to find calm and peace of mind. I pray you can continue to hang in there. My advice is to see if you can move-up your doctor's appointment to as soon as possible. Let the office know you're near having a breakdown and need help immediately. Maybe one of the other docs in the office can help you. Maybe your doc can find time to squeeze you into a time today or tomorrow to see him/her. Do you have any Xanax or Ativan or similar type of sedative that can help to calm you down? Maybe even over the counter Benadryl that relax you -- but be aware it can make you very drowsy. You're going through a very rough period right now. Is there a family member of good friend you can talk to right now? If necessary, call a crisis hotline in your area just to talk to someone to get it all out. Just talking to someone will greatly calm you down and relieve the horrible feelings you have right now. It sounds like you need to make some calls: the doctor (even a general practitioner/family doctor), and friend or family member for support. You need some help fast. It'd suggest you get someone else get your kids from school and to take your daughter to to soccer practice. I would try to get some sleep right now if you can do it. The Benedryl can help with that. First things first, get yourself taken care of right now then follow-up with getting help from a doctor to find out what's going on and getting the medicine and other help a doctor can give you. Hang in there! Be positive you'll get through this and and faith and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. More than anything cling on to hope. I don't know if you're spiritual or religious or not, but now might be a good time to pray. I don't know what else to say. Let us know how things go for you.

[middlepath]

Pinkandgrey I totally understand how you feel! Your words could have been my words about 3 months ago! Even the thought of going out with a friend for coffee seemed insurmountable because I thought that i was such a piece of junk that I couldn't even hold a decent conversation or something alone those lines (hard to put into words). I have kids and feared seeing the other parents at the ball games because i felt so socially awkward and like such a downer. Just to give you hope I switched meds to lithium and it worked like magic for me. I have been on it for a few months now and feel normal for the first time in a vvvvery long time. The depression is gone and I am interacting with the public and doing just fine at work. I hope you find the right doc and the right med. to help you through. You have support here and (importantly) people who understand. (((HUGS)))

[faerie_moon_x]

It really sounds like you're in a big depressed cycle right now and those can be so brutal. The good news is, cycles don't last forever and eventually turn around.

I agree with Moose. Sometimes you have to force yourself to 'activate.' Try to push through. Facing your fear often shows you have nothing to really be afraid of sometimes. Like the saying goes, bravery isn't the absense of fear but facing your fear.

There's no need to be ashamed to need help from a doctor or a T. It's okay to be "discovered," because you can get help. that's what they are there for. Everyone needs help soemtimes that's okay.

[pink&grey]

Thanks all for taking the time. I think I am depressed, but it seems different than depressions of the past - much more aggravated or irritable. I did force myself to take a shower, I made it to get my kids, I called my Dad to take on soccer duty and now I'm going to take some benadryl and lay down - pray a bit and focus on having faith that actually getting appropriate meds might make a difference like it has for you, MiddlePath. It helps me so much to know there are people out there who understand.

[kaliope]

it definately sounds like you are at the crest of a cycle of some sort. it is great that you have an appt scheduled. there is always that fear of discovery, but when you look on the flip side of discovery, you find resilience. you have been coping all this time without others knowing. you have had the strength to get through and that is what you focus on. it is hard in times like this to think we have the energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other but that is when we look to our resources and ask for assistance where ever we can get it...like you did by calling you dad. asking for help is not a sign a weakness, it is a strenght because we recognize that we need to reach out. we are being honest with ourselves and reaching out and not pushing and expecting of ourselves more than we can give. respect for self is very honorable. keep honoring yourself and take care...i, like middlepath, found the right meds to change my life and the difference is incredible. i wish i reached out for help sooner. make sure to advocate for yourself with your pdoc and find a good therapist to get you to a healthy spot in your life.

[Cocosurviving]

Going through depression can be very hard. It's good you were able to get a few things done. I'm not sure if you've been diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder. Since you posted in the bp forum i will assume so. Having BP doesn't mean your crazy, it simply means the person has a mental illness. I do understand not telling everyone but I would tell select close family members and/or friends. IMHO b/c this is a life long illness it can only be hidden for so long. And in a case of emergency a few people need to know the truth.

[pink&grey]

Originally Posted by Cocosurviving

Going through depression can be very hard. It's good you were able to get a few things done. I'm not sure if you've been diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder. Since you posted in the bp forum i will assume so. Having BP doesn't mean your crazy, it simply means the person has a mental illness. I do understand not telling everyone but I would tell select close family members and/or friends. IMHO b/c this is a life long illness it can only be hidden for so long. And in a case of emergency a few people need to know the truth.

Thanks, Coco. I have been diagnosed twice in the past, but, long story short am only just now coming to accept the diagnoses. In the meantime I have been treated with therapy & SSRIs for depression. It's not working. I have told my Mother that I am beginning to believe the diagnoses and am planning to get on medications to treat it. She's more supportive now than in the past, when she rejected the idea, but seems to be very uncomfortable talking about it at all. I don't really have anyone else I could trust with the information, which is why I sought out this board - to at least find people "out there" willing to talk about the realities.

[catsrhelm]

Originally Posted by pink&grey

Thanks all for taking the time. I think I am depressed, but it seems different than depressions of the past - much more aggravated or irritable. I did force myself to take a shower, I made it to get my kids, I called my Dad to take on soccer duty and now I'm going to take some benadryl and lay down - pray a bit and focus on having faith that actually getting appropriate meds might make a difference like it has for you, MiddlePath. It helps me so much to know there are people out there who understand.

I think you are in the throws of chemically based depression. That is different then situational. Chemically based is agressive, and makes you feel like crap for no reason. Situational is irratating, and just really makes you mad. You are right, in the case of a chemical depression having the right medications helps.

[pink&grey]

Thanks, catsrhelm. I must be. I tend to get confused as to why I feel like such crap when I'm taking a strong dose of an AD and in therapy. But am now beginning to realize that it might be that ADs are making things worse because they aren't the right treatment. When I look back on years of taking ADs, I realize that I usually feel really good for awhile when I start a new one and then begin to crash hard and fall apart. Then I say, "this AD doesn't work anymore" and get a new one. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat...I've taken them all. Ugh, I'm disgusted with myself.

[middlepath]

You didn't know any better. Goes easy on yourself for now! You will have plenty of time to mull things over once your depression has lifted. So for now, get in to see the Pdoc and find the right med, that way you can find your way out of the depression.