Self explanatory one liner (lyric)

I think being angry is probably the best thing for you right now, being angry means you care .. you care enough to be mad! I know you are not going to do anything rash. So yes .... Be mad , be pissed , be all the words PC won't let me type.

Just start shoving things off that giant piled up plate you have. every little bit will help.
Maybe being angry will allow you to just do what you have to do to insure your life is changing for the better!

I'm here anytime

Your input is appreciated C and Christina

Maybe anger is the right motivation for me. Its the only emotion I'm completely comfortable with anyway...

Assistance; Mom gets an old age pension, and I get a tiny grant to help out with Jordan bcoz her "father" is MIA. Thats all that's available to us.

Obligations: I've cut out most family members and friends who only look for me to play Dr Phil. Even my sister; we used to be very close. I was always running to her side, sometimes borrowing busfair to get to her, and always left Jordan with mom so that she'd have my full attention. Cut her out because she was never available / able to reciprocate. So yes, one sided relationships are out. And even the ones I still hold onto, I stay away when I'm struggling, bcoz they'll dump on me too.

Household obligations; I inherited when dad died. Breadwinner, bill payer, debt collector slayer. Nobody asked me if I wanted those obligations, they just became mine. The reasoning there is that my older siblings don't live here, so the mess my dad left my mom is not their problem its mine because I'm the oldest child in the house.

Financially I give my agreed / obligatory contribution, but its never enough. There are always other expenses popping up, so no Lia you can't have that pair of Jeans because mom ran out of money again. So give your cut to her too. This happens every month, has happened every pay day for the last 3 yrs, and used to happen frequently even while dad was alive because he was always short somehow. Lord knows maybe the man had a secret drug problem. Wait no they did an autopsy, maybe he gambled in secret, idk why he was always looking at my purse...

If I bought 3 items in the last 12 months that were just for me, my pleasure, then its ALOT! I go shopping and spend money on house, Jordan, mom. Christmas I was pissed at myself because I went to the mall to get me some nice new clothes, came back with outfits for mom, gary and lots for Jo.... I got a new coffee mug. I DO THAT ALOT. Because they need it more, I don't outgrow things, so my clothes are fine, I must spend the money on them

So even when they don't ask, they get my money. Last week I gave my mom my busfair without knowing how to replace it. (My friend bailed me out thankfuly)

I work my butt off and have nothing to show for it. Well not nothing, but when and if I ever get to move out, I don't get to take the washing machine, fridge or kettle do I? Not one of the appliances or "what you have it" is mine. It belongs to the house/mom.

So that ^ pisses me off. How can you work for nearly 10 yrs and have nothing to your name? Not even a tv or a laptop.

I'm now able to (mostly) hold down a job without running for the hills after 2 months, but I don't find longterm employment, ha! How ironic. I have registered with recruitment agencies, so I'm hoping with my heart of hearts they find a placement for me, and that it turns out to be a longterm gig.

So home is an obligation I can't shirk, even though I don't want it. I mean I've never even lived on my own but I'm saddled with legal shyt pertaining to this house. People threatening to chuck us out or turn off our water. I'm the one calling around setting things straight, putting out fires or we'll end up on the street. And mid - month when the money runs dry, mommy looks to me to find more (but vehemently denies that she does any such thing). I have to run around asking friends or family for loans till month end because the cupboards ran bare. I fkn hate it! And when its time to pay those mini loans back, who do you think mommy looks at?

Yip, 10/10 for you

So now, I'm cleaning up shyt, looking for a job, budgeting so tightly so that Jordan's transport and schooling is paid up till November (becoz Idk when I'll work again). Also have to see to it that she has sufficient Winter clothing and school uniform. The job I'm leaving is driving me absolutely bonkers! I swear I hyperventilate and get a headache 15 minutes after arriving every morning! I keep getting sick (2 months now) Athough I think all that honey and ginger dosing accomplished what my antibiotics failed to.
And this is all just driving me completely batty!!! The tiniest things send me flying off the handle throwing shyt around and cussing outloud... Yes this distresses mom and Jordan, so I retreat to my room and blast metal all night...

I had plans to save money for the next 8 months or so and move early next year, because there was a job promised to me. Now that fell through and I'm stuck indefinitly once again. I HATE uncertainty

I have very little time to myself, work takes up 13 hrs of my day, then I spend 2 to 4 with Jordan, and then the time left after prepping for the next day is spent reading in my bed because its fkn cold, I dont want to be anywhere but bed in my free time because of the cold. See bf maybe once a week if I'm lucky, so he's not a timesnatcher or draining, but a welcome reprieve from all thissss. Other than bf time and reading, nothing is dedicated to me. Ultmately I don't have a life. I lost it somewhere along the way when responsiblity first consumed my existance.

Yes C, this is not how I pictured 30 being. I didn't think I'd have it all together, especially not with all these setbacks, but I imagined I'd atleast be working my way there... Everyone is moving forward, carving out their futures, compared to them I really don't have one. It saddens me.That's why I said I'll wait and see for 1 more year.

Maybe my life isn't so bad at all. Maybe I just suck at being grown-up.

On a positive note. Despite having no energy and zero inclination, I springcleaned my room, my new room makes me feel better to a certain degree.

Yea anger is an awesome catalyst for change. Even Goddesses have a wrathful side! And you are a Goddess stuck in human gravity, IMHO believing in reincarnation, I think we agreed to this life. God needs us here and being in a pure invincible feeling spirit form, we said of course. He may have known and hurt for the suffering we'd endure, but we are here for a reason. I don't believe that every little thing is meant to be, we and everyone else has this free will, and far too much cruelty and suffering proves that's not possible.

I lost my dad at 25, far too young an age for me. He was my rock. I think I suck at being a grown up too. But we're doing our best. Even if it's ****. At pdoc meeting a few days ago I told her how ashamed I am about a recent fight with older son. He was really being a jerk and I lost my cool. I walked out my backyard in the middle of yelling he's a freaking A hole word - to see my neighbor gardening in adjacent backyard with her children. This woman is the president of school PTA !! (Have to laugh a little reflecting). But pdoc told me it's ok and that with my issues and kids issues and everything else going on, I'm doing my best. She said it a few times, you are doing your best always know that. And it's a hard pill to swallow cuz I know how inappropriate I behaved and being a perfectionist know I should not be acting that way. How am I supposed to accept that my **** behavior was my best? I'm better than that! But reflecting, I'm taking her words to heart, I don't have to be perfect, I'm human it's impossible to be perfect all the time. So oh well guess I just accept that in that moment that was my best way to deal with that horrible situation. And who cares what PTA Bword thinks. I wouldn't even want to be her, what a bore!

Moving on, can you take control of moms income? You are head of household. Can you hold a meeting of sorts like we are in a crisis, this is what needs to happen. I think your family would benefit from you controlling the cash and the budget.

And I am praying for you for a wonderful dream job to fall in your lap. You deserve it. In fact I'm visualizing it right now, like from the book The Secret that Anika and I would talk about. Thanking God, Goddess, Universe for the blessings as if they are already here.

I really don't know what to say to all of that, and I know it might seem to you like you're just spinning your wheels. But when I read all of that, it seems to me that you do a literally amazing job at holding it all together. Anything I could say here would sound really shallow and like a canned "keep fighting the good fight" type of thing.

There are ways too of being a little selfish sometimes that don't require money. Do something that is completely (safe) selfish. Yes, people rely on you, but they can't take over your every waking and sleeping thought. Money sucks. Being an adult sucks. It always does. We can only combat it by being completely selfish every once in a while.

C, I can't take over mom's finances, tried broaching that subject and it looked like she was having a coronary! So I'm stuck filling the holes she creates with her "budgeting". Will visualize my new job along with you. Thank you

Nessa, I doubt anyone has ever told me I'm doing an amazing job with all this, definitly nobody irl. So thank you

Idk how to be selfish, I try sometimes tho, it doesn't ever pan out like I planned. Maybe that needs working on.

I just need to turn things around, fast. I can't be saddled with this crap indefinitly, I need to be able to progress in life. But this worrying and strategizing 24/7 doesn't exactly get me any closer to that goal

...I keep reading and staring at the words and reading.

I think I see why you are tired why you are angry why you are "life fatigued"...

too much adult will kill anybody's patience and you just don't get to be a kid ever...

...seem to be everybody else's adult for them? and when life is not fun then what's the point... I think I might be starting to get it

Yes James, you said it in much less words than I could. Too much adult, everybody elses adult, life fatigue. Spot on

...so my guessing goes ok so far so good yep?

now I wonder what can be done what ways how and for you... can there be some fun?

hmmm

... we must begin by setting up a protest
which might do a bit of this
...while people go ...and you go
because of too much of this... and to prevent

hmmm

the lyric i can think of comes from sum 41's all messed up.... but i can't think of how it goes so trying to think about something else

the only thing i can think of is 2 lines:

" i'm in here, can anybody here me?"

Update: Feeling less despair, haven't exactly reached hopefull yet, but resillience is on the rise...

Even when I don't want to, I'm strategizing...

I'm thinking once the deed is in mom's name, I'm going to purposely ensure that I'm broke for months on end so that the house is paid up (With my salary from my future job I'm visualizing).

Then I wash my hands and make plans to move.

If Gary's job turns out to be permanent he will definitly move and if I do too, mom will be forced to finally accept sister's offer and move into a flatlet on her property.

The house's earnings can be split 3 ways or mom can rent it out and add an income to her pension.

On a good note, my lovelife has never been better. Funny how we've loved eachother since we were children and things are only falling into place now. More than 10 yrs later! Definitly worth the wait tho Guess even though it was hell on earth, we both did alot of growing up while spending last year apart, and are better equipped to be together.

Haha our usual MO is I chase him off after 3 months (intentionaly or not), we have now reached the 6 month mark for the first time without any chasing or running for the first time in 4yrs Some kinda milestone I'm guessing...

Awww Sis , Slivers of light are shining through all the cracks in the ugly veil of exhausting negative life struggles and the cracks are being ripped bigger and bigger.
As I expected ,you would slam through it and would result in you relighting your enjoyment of life. Being mad, pissed off , giving up , I despise my life kinda of stuff usually helps us move forward , weird but seems to be true.

Your my Hero

OMW Sis, but you're myyyy hero Thank you for the vote of confidence.

At this point my strategy is another pipe dream, but it provides focus, so it'll do..

I have a feeling everything is going to turn out okay, sis. I'm sorry I wasn't here for the whole thing, but I'm glad to see your post that things are turning around. Hang in there.

Awww sis, absolutely no apology neccessary
Thank you, I'm counting on a turnaround, because the current state of affairs is definitly unacfrickenceptable!

You go girl, you can do this!! I think your strategy is great! Funny thing - I'm planning similar strategy to get my mom out of debt - get house paid for, start having my own life. Imagine that - our own lives?? I'll believe it when I see it, but It's all possible. And Perfect new word - I absofrickenlutely love it!

Always attempting to expand my voaculary

Our own lives? .....I LOVE the sound of that sis Great minds think alike, so not suprized we have similar strategies and goals

for me, it's how I deal with feeling this way. the feelings won't change, but I can!