Self explanatory one liner (lyric)

"I can't fight no more I'm drowning and I'm sick inside."

"Please help me, I'm falling....."

Polar opposite of a self explanation: "don't worry 'bout a thing..."
(can't think of a self explanatory one right now : )

"Here I am just a drownin' in the rain with a ticket for a runaway train."

One liner for hope: "It's hard to dance with the Devil on your back, so shake him off!"

"Have you ever buried your face in your hands cause no one around you understands or has the slightest idea of what it is that makes you be"

"If you're going through hell, keep on moving.... You might get out before the devil even knows you're there."

Or... something like that...

Life is ********, whoever invented it should be shot!

If things don't change drastically in the next year, my gift to myself is "eternal rest" for my 30th birthday.

If I can have normal problems like my peers (altho idk what normal problems look like) then I will accept that. My mess, my responsibility. But no, I'm so caught up cleaning up daddy's post mortem mess, trying to stop them from kicking us out, and now trying to stop them from turning off our water. And lets not forget Eskom saying they will be load-shedding this Winter, which means no electricity in our area during certain times!!

You wanna know a secret I've been carrying?
I fkn resent my dead dad!!! I hate him. I hate him. I fkn hate him!!!

WTF Was he thinking not paying our bills for years??? Where am I supposed to come up with the money they want????

I have no idea how I'm gonna cope if I don't get a job soon! 1 more paycheck and this job is done... On the upside, I'm paying everything school related upfront, so that I don't have to worry bout Jordan. But 2k for her busfare hits me right in the gut though...

Year after fkn year, I'm expected to clean up some sort of mess, avert some kind of crisis. NOTHING runs smoothly for me. NOTHING. There's never a "sit back and enjoy" time, so if THIS is life, then no thank you, I want NO part of it.

I am so tempted to just run off, I don't even care where, and my feet are seriously ITCHING to go! But of course I can't leave, I'm someone's mother. My wants don't matter.

Its like stress is part of my daily diet, even tho I make sure not to serve it to myself. But its obvious someone keeps slipping me some.

I Honestly can't take it anymore, this rubber band is about to snap.

I'm giving it a year, then I'm done with this sorry excuse of a life.

I feel like an old old woman... like I've had way too many life experiences for such a short lifespan. And I don't want to see what other ******** is going to be crammed into the next 10yrs.

I have no fight left in me, the warrior has left the building.

And no, I will not be seeking medical attention of any kind because you know what's funny? My issues aren't even caused by this damn bp, its my life thats making my bp worse. And there is no medication for fixing my life.

these forums are weird things ... what do I write when I want to write something to prove I'm affected and have feelings about something but I don't know how to say it?
I have a look and expression and holding my head in my hand staring at your words Lia and taking it all in.
I care about you I wish there was something I could do better than just nothing apart from be here for another year too I promise you that.

I usually insert those emoticons like hugs and love and stuff right about here in the message... but seriously my friend.. they just look really stupid to me today

Sis, My heart breaks ready your posts. But I so understand on so many levels.

I wish I could sweep it all away from you and let you wake up, breathe and not be burdened with this mess. But If it were only so simple. The one thing I can do is be here for you, day to day.day in and day out . vent rant rage all you need Pm whenever for any reason.

I love you hopefully we will muddle through and just maybe the other side of this is a wonderful life and we can kick back have some drinks and smoke a bit.

Thanks guys, its appreciated, but there's really nothing to be done... I don't go looking for this ********, it gets dropped in my lap. No matter what I do to live a good life, the ******** follows me around like a deranged obsessed stalker, and I want a say in the matter. I'm not prepared to do this forever or even indefinitly, so if it doesn't stop, I'm out.

How is it normal to look back at the last 10yrs of your life and just see issues, problems, crises, ********? How is that supposed to be acceptable? Is everybody's life one huge problem? Is that what life is? If it is, I DEFINITLY DON'T WANT IT. I don't and I believe its time I actually have a say in what goes on in MY life!

Sure there are good factors, Jordan is good (although she is part of my financial "problem") and bf is good. But that's just 2 good things over the last few years, and seem more like tiny glitches in my life if you compare them to the magnitude of the ******** I contend with...

PS. To the people who thought this was a lyrical game thread and joined in, its all good. You're not mind readers and I was vague.

Just one thing, Trippin'........what will Jordan do without you? She's going to be messed up for the rest of her life if you check out on purpose, long before your appointed time. You don't want to do that to her. I know life sucks for you right now, and obviously has for some time; it sucks for me too, and sometimes I feel like I'll never find my way out of the sucky situation I'm in.

But your baby girl needs you, and you want to think long and hard about the life she'll be sentenced to if you end yours. I understand how it seems like the only way out; sometimes I want the pain to go away so bad that I find myself on the Internet researching how many Ativan tablets it would take to NOT wake up in the ER with a tube up my nose and another one down my throat.

Then in my mind's eye I picture my husband, kids, and grandkids looking down at my body and crying, wanting to know WHY I did it??? Why wasn't their love enough to make me want to live?

Now.....do you want your child to have to ask those questions and find no answers? Somehow, I don't think so. And if you think about it a little longer, I'd bet you'd find her the best reason in the world to go on. Maybe the only reason. But she's the only one you need.

That made me tear up. I'm struggling too. I hate the meds but I have to continue for my son. Trippin I'm so sorry u are having such a hard time. I don't know what to say to help u but things do change...feelings change just hold on.

Feelings do change yes, but evidently my life does not. Yes Jordan will probably hate me, but its not like I'm doing such a stellar job right now anyway. Her godparents are well-off and can provide things I only dream of. I'm sure they'll get her a T too. She'll be much better off in the long run.

This is not about a mood cycle or an episode that will pass, its about a life that inherently sucks. Its about the fact that I don't want anymore of this ********. Its about the fact that for the last 3yrs (atleast) I've had NO say, Its about the fact that I'm demanding a say!

I think I should have a say in wether this sorry excuse of a life is worth living. I honestly do.

That is why I'm not doing anything impulsive either... I'm giving it (life) time to prove me wrong, if it fails to do so, well then I'm outta here, and the people left behind will no longer be my problem, they can figure out shyt for themselves for a change anyway (I don't mean Jordan she'll have her T and cousins).

I know it seems insurmountable right now. It does, and life sucks sometimes, but truly think about Jordan. Think about those times you couldn't imagine life without her. My mom attempted suicide like 7 times after my dad died and it really ****ed be up feeling like she didn't think us kids were worth living for. She so regretted it to. Pls hold on....

What helps me is to cry hard and try and connect to this planet we are on. To remember times when I've felt true joy and happiness. To get back to what really matters. Not money and all that bs but love, doing what's right, character.

You can make it through this!

this is one of those times when the ultimate validation just has to be wrong...like "yeah I agree..I'm with you all the way and you are right and by the time you die tomorrow I will already have gone tonite"...

but that's not gonna work at the moment and despite having some issues with my own thinking lately, ie: I'm losing my mind somewhat!)... I'm just gonna stick to the bit where your life Lia is overwhelming you with quite massive problems!... this I most certainly agree with.

I know you well enough to know you don't just flirt with seriously unacceptable observation and experience...and furthermore you don't flirt with even more serious notions of how to deal with it!

...so now I put aside my personal and very affectionate favouritism for you for just a moment for the sake of something more appropriate... an emotion for where things are at...from a friend from a spectator in this diabolical mess! ...and I don't feel comfortable saying it but I felt angry with you.

and I've calmed down now enough to try explain that the best thing in your life right now and forever within yourself is your incredible intelligence....But the worst thing you got going on in your life right now beyond the real and massive problems is your attitude. Now if I was told that? I might reply...: "well asswipe! my intelligence I got already and as for the attitude?.. well that got given to me!" ...or I just say nothing and they never see me again...

...it's clear that your intelligence and your attitude are already in some sort of interaction more likely a collision! to arrive at the place where like it or not? it's exactly the same place we are all in when we have bugger all say about things and want to totally discredit life...the place where we just decide to give life another chance to prove us wrong.

you might tell me to jam my lecturing head up my own crack! but if I didn't love you I wouldn't be angry when you plan to let go.

now ...like I said I'm losing my mind somewhat lately good or bad I don't know or even care and even though these things still look stupid to me they do kinda brighten up the page a bit.

Anger is valid its ok James. I'm fkn angry too. And you're right maybe my attitude stinks, maybe my defiance will be my ultimate downfall, but I'm tired and have no fight left. I don't have the energy to justify my feelings or the crummy cards I keep being dealt. Just no fight left, and if I manage to mustre up some, I'll just need it for the next round...

Feel like a character in a Street Fighter game, all I hear is "Round 1.... Fight!" .... "Round 2 Fight!" God alone knows which round I'm on now and why the hell I'm in the ring in the first place, so maybe I should just stand still against the next contender and until the voice shouts "Finish him!" "K.O!"

...I know you are angry I never seen you this angry and it's not fair you have been given little room to move and be truly happy in and I wish things are better so much more better because you are always amazing ...but so spectacular and beautiful a person when you are happy

(just staring at the screen again...)

Trippin2.0, I'm sorry your life is so hard. I will start praying you every day, and hope that things start looking up. Although it looks like you are already in despair, I want to remind you what Churchill said: Never, never, never, never give up!

I'm not very good with comforting words, but I can sincerely say that I would miss seeing you around the boards and your colorful descriptions of things.

(((((((((Trippin))))))))))))!!!

I've been a downright winey biatch throughout this thread. Sorry if I don't seem receptive to to the support offered. Its just hard to feel any type of positivity. I do appreciate the support though, thank you to all who've tried

It's only whiney if it's annoying, so I don't think you were whiney. Everyone needs to vent now and then. One of my active threads now is legitimately whiney Hope you feel better soon.

If I knew what to say to you I would say it. Don't put your daughter through this. I would tell you I understand how you feel, but I probably don't.

Mandrec and to the others who've brought up Jordan; Its not that I want to put Jo thru losing her mom, she already has no dad. Its not about wanting to leave her or not caring about what happens to her, its just some sort of depressive narcissism,

I want to do what I choose for a change, with complete disregard for everyone else. I'm just tired of doing whats in everyone's best interest, I'm tired of being last on the damn list. I want a say in what I put up with, and what I'm obligated to do instead of having crap dropped in my lap time after time.

Yes that sounds mean and completely selfish. Its selfish on steroids! But gues that's what you get for being selfless your whole life, you end up wanting to be selfish in the most drastic of ways...

I'm not actively suicidal, just adamant that I have the right to check out if things don't change. So I'm safe, please nobody panic ok?

Lia, you've been handed a raw deal. You have too much on your plate. You said emotions change but life doesn't. Your life will change. It's always changing. Some you can control, some you can't. What are the prospects like for job opportunities? Any there disability or unemployment assistance or food stamps offered there?

Can you think of anything that you're currently obligatingly putting up with that you could let go of? You don't sound mad about the obligations of being a mother. I think we can both agree that even when it sucks parenting, we are dedicated mothers. And I think we both know we need to work to support them. And that sucks too, but part of the deal.

But other things you feel obligated to do... are there areas where your values are not lining up with priorities? Like when we put others before ourselves, give too much, even when detrimental to our sanity, or taking away from time we could spend with our children.

I made a list of my values... then a list of my priorities. I can see too many times where I sacrificed my values out of a feeling of obligation. It causes too much inner conflict and drain. And I look at how I was raised to be giving, but how can you continue to be a giving person when you've given it all away, and there's no replenishment. So for me - I'm changing my priorities because I value my children and my own spirit and those come first, must be healthy at all costs, even if it means saying no to people.

These mile marker years come upon us, you're approaching 30 (next year right?) and re-evaluating your past, your present, your sacrifices, your pain & suffering, likely thinking this is not where I'd hoped to be by age 30. You want a say in what you put up with, and now's a good time to be more selfish and find any areas or people where you can cut the fat. This is crucial at this time, your home, career, future, health, and literally your life are all at stake.

Just ideas, please take with a grain of salt if it doesn't apply or is not helpful. Kind of brainstorming, this is where I'm at approaching 40 in September, job and house still on the line. I hate the lack of security and stability, it's a horribly trapped feeling. Like you've told me, you know I'll come out on top, and I believe in you the same.