[middlepath]

I deeply want friends but i moved across the country last year and have yet to make meaningful connections in my new area. People are so rushed and busy and I am awkward socially (at least i think so, or i feel that way).

I had friends back home but they seem to have fallen to the wayside since the move. I am so lonely. I am so sad. I don't know how to make friends at this point. I am 38 years old and friendless. I don't just want the type of friends that you go shopping with or to coffee...i could care less about those things. I want a friends that i connect with deeply, that can speak with me at a level that can explore the big questions in life. Someone I feel is there no matter what.

I just feel like a misfit in this world. I am surrounded by well-intentioned people who seem to just care about making money and whats for dinner. I am not like that and it pains me not to have a connection with other people that is meaningful.

Whats worse is I have behaved like such an erratic ***** in the past, some of my previous friends have distanced themselves and I don't see the possibility of repair.

What would you say to yourself if you were me? How do you go about finding people to connect with? What do you do about feeling so awkward?

I know what you feel like Middlepath. It's not easy. But hang in there.

Just for me, I force myself to just say hi to complete strangers. No they won't become friends, but it does help me get over my anxiety of meeting new people.

A co-worker gave me a poem by Henry David Thoreau, and granted I need to follow it better, but here it is:

Happiness is like a butterfly;
the more you chase it,
the more it will elude you,
but if you turn your attention
to other things, it will
come and sit softly
on your shoulder.

I have to remind myself of that often.

Take care Middle, I've found some awesome people here. Let them get to know you and you them.

[BlueInanna]

I'd love to be ur friend in rl I don't really know best ways meeting people, but keep in mind there have to be many women/people out there our age or whatever age who are also looking for friends. So... We are bound to find them/ be found somehow. That's hard in a new area too.

[~Christina]

I have no advice . I have no real life friends, maybe I am just a ****** person . ... I am grateful I have made friends here on PC

Least my Dog loves me.

[Secretum]

I'm sorry that you feel lonely too. Feel free to pm me anytime. I'd be happy to be your friend. And I like getting to know people on a deeper level too.

[sans]

It makes me feel ok with myself, being friendless, because i am here with all the cool people.
Sans

[A Red Panda]

Starting over succccckkkks the big one.

Even if you don't like getting coffee or shopping, it's a good way to start building a friendship. As much as we might want to, we can't just drop into a really meaningful friendship - things have to start out slowly as not everyone wants to open right up right away! If someone expresses an interest in grabbing coffee, go for it! It's a great time to chat about things and you can end up in a deeper conversation than you expect. If nothing else, you can talk about other interests and activities and you might find out that they've got things they'd like to do too!

Do you live somewhere that has different clubs or meet ups or classes to take? If so, join something that you're interested in. Then you'll see other people who like the same activity! What about volunteering? Volunteering is always a good way to meet people!

I'm sorry you feel that way Christina. When I first joined PC, you helped me. You do have gifts. I don't know what they are, but you do. Just like I believe that everyone has a reason for being here. And before the negatives start, I'll explain. Maybe your experiences can help someone who is having trouble. And Christina, that's what you did for me.

Blue, the only thing I expect in a friend is respect. So yes, you can be my friend.

I use my experiences to try to help people. Even if they don't have issues, but I know we all do. I just don't like anyone to have to suffer like I do.

[middlepath]

Thanks everyone. I love the Thoreau poem Jeffro. BlueInanna and Secretum...thanks for offering to be my friends : ) I would love that! Cheshirecatgrin you bring up a point that i have overlooked: you can't just say "hi, nice to meet you...now whats the meaning of life". I will have to expect that friendship takes time to grow. Thanks for reminding me of that. I guess i want a magic wand so that I can just make things happen the way I want, when I want. Sans you are right...the cool people ARE here : )!!! And Christina, I feel like I am a ****** person, too, sometimes. I can only tell you from my perspective I view you differently than you view yourself. I think you are candid, wise and helpful (notice ****** is not in there : ). One other thing that we share is that my dogs are my friends too...they just are really poor conversationalists haha.

[A Red Panda]

you should befriend my cat, he talks allllll the time.

I've picked up and restarted multiple times... so I'm sorta used to the annoying and lonely times when I don't know anyone. So I am rather excellent at casual chit-chat and will point out that I don't know anyone and then invite people out for a drink. Even the casual time out that doesn't develop into a closer friendship is nice, because at least it's friendly. And sometimes you meet people through other people who will end up being the closer friends that you're looking for. Yay networking! But it's really annoying and lonely and stressful sometimes too.

[pink&grey]

I've moved around and am essentially friendless too. I'm a single mom and that is socially isolating as hell. Not to mention the fact that I'm slightly eccentric. Idk the answer but hang in there. Meetup.com is a good place to meet people. And you always have PC!!

Middle, whenever I'm down, I look at that poem, I have it hanging on my wall in the office, and I always remind myself to stop chasing it.

[intergalactictraveler]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I have no advice . I have no real life friends, maybe I am just a ****** person . ... I am grateful I have made friends here on PC

Least my Dog loves me.

Christina,

That's a terrible thing to think or say about yourself. I've read a lot of your posts and you've responded to several of mine; what I find in you is an intelligent, insightful person dealing with a severe illness and perhaps other personal challenges...just like everyone else who posts. If you think negatively, you will feel negative. I know things are not going good for you right now and in my world, I have periods of deep despair, with trepidations about my future but I won't let it get me down and I will not put myself down. Neither should you. On here, we are all friends, even if we live hundreds or thousands of miles apart. We're like soldiers; we're all in this fight, together. I've got your back and you've got mine.

[intergalactictraveler]

Originally Posted by middlepath

I deeply want friends but i moved across the country last year and have yet to make meaningful connections in my new area. People are so rushed and busy and I am awkward socially (at least i think so, or i feel that way).

I had friends back home but they seem to have fallen to the wayside since the move. I am so lonely. I am so sad. I don't know how to make friends at this point. I am 38 years old and friendless. I don't just want the type of friends that you go shopping with or to coffee...i could care less about those things. I want a friends that i connect with deeply, that can speak with me at a level that can explore the big questions in life. Someone I feel is there no matter what.

I just feel like a misfit in this world. I am surrounded by well-intentioned people who seem to just care about making money and whats for dinner. I am not like that and it pains me not to have a connection with other people that is meaningful.

Whats worse is I have behaved like such an erratic ***** in the past, some of my previous friends have distanced themselves and I don't see the possibility of repair.

What would you say to yourself if you were me? How do you go about finding people to connect with? What do you do about feeling so awkward?

I've always found it difficult to make friends but here and there, I've connected with people and most of the friends I've made, though, no one is local, are still my friends. We talk on the phone or exchange e-mails. I'd like to say my wife is my friend but, she is what she is. The truest thing I can say is that we understand that we don't understand each other.

Though you have plenty of people to chat with on this site, you want someone face to face that you can hang out with or call. I'm a misfit, too, maybe with a touch of Asperger's because I really do enjoy my own company. I've been a ham radio operator since 1964 and day or night, I can fire up my rig and talk to people around the world. That said, it is great to have someone who understands you and completely accepts you. Maybe a bipolar support group. Right out of the gate, the playing field is level. From that point, it's a matter of meeting someone or several people with the right vibe. Feel free to pm me. I usually log on everyday. Since Thoreau was quoted, I believe he said, "I never found anyone as companionable as myself."

[~Christina]

Thanks Intergalactic,

I don't think my assessment of myself is wrong. It's not meant in a negative way. I see it as truth. I do not sugar coat a thing, I feel It's a disservice to myself. My ability to make real life friends has a lot to do with where I live geographically (ie small small town) There are no clubs or classes or organizations etc .. Only 1,469 Churches and that is something I am not interested in ( no offense to anyone who is)

I am beyond grateful that I stumbled across PC and have the good fortune to get to know some of the smartest and kindest people to ever enter my life.

[intergalactictraveler]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Thanks Intergalactic,

I don't think my assessment of myself is wrong. It's not meant in a negative way. I see it as truth. I do not sugar coat a thing, I feel It's a disservice to myself. My ability to make real life friends has a lot to do with where I live geographically (ie small small town) There are no clubs or classes or organizations etc .. Only 1,469 Churches and that is something I am not interested in ( no offense to anyone who is)

I am beyond grateful that I stumbled across PC and have the good fortune to get to know some of the smartest and kindest people to ever enter my life.

I'm of the opinion that you're too hard on yourself, Christina. I've done my share of beating up on myself and after a few times, you feel like you've been run over by an 18 wheeler. It's simply that I don't like to hear or read someone putting themselves down. No, I don't KNOW you in a personal way. Is anyone perfect? I'm sure not. You probably read some of my posts about my marriage. I know I'm the shmuck who married her and has stayed, yet in other areas of my life, I'm bright and insightful but with women...a HUGE blind spot. That's MY flaw and I need to deal with it or if we split up, stay away from relationships.

I'm in pain; from my untreatable bipolar, from a dysfunctional marriage, from writer's block, from dreams and adventures that might never happen, to my fear of being hospitalized for the rest of my life if I go off the rails, from the death of my friend. But I'm not going to run myself down. As Paul Robeson sang, in a revised version of 'Old Man River', "But I'll keep laughin' instead of cryin' and I'll keep fightin' until I'm dyin'." The world or family or others we meet might treat us like s**t but we shouldn't do that to ourselves.

[~Christina]

I honestly am not beating myself up. I can state facts about myself and personality that aren't in proper working order according to everyone elses standard. Do I wish I had a herd of personal real life friends? Maybe or maybe not. I don't have them so how can you miss something you never had?
My T is always amazed at the way I can and will point out things in my life that are good or bad or lacking. I could look in the mirror daily and rave about my appearance , In the end its a lie, I don't need to convince myself of things I am not, just to somehow feel better or fit into a mold some joe blow formed and decided everyone should fit into.

This isn't the ravings of a depressed person.. It is just me, I guess I really do not fit in that mold . LOL

[intergalactictraveler]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I honestly am not beating myself up. I can state facts about myself and personality that aren't in proper working order according to everyone elses standard. Do I wish I had a herd of personal real life friends? Maybe or maybe not. I don't have them so how can you miss something you never had?
My T is always amazed at the way I can and will point out things in my life that are good or bad or lacking. I could look in the mirror daily and rave about my appearance , In the end its a lie, I don't need to convince myself of things I am not, just to somehow feel better or fit into a mold some joe blow formed and decided everyone should fit into.

This isn't the ravings of a depressed person.. It is just me, I guess I really do not fit in that mold . LOL

Neither do I. Never did, even as a child. Always an odd outsider. Who say's anyone has to fit in a mold? The people who are truly unique don't fit it into any mold. "Conformity is the hobgoblin of little minds.", Ralph Waldo Emerson. Have you read his essay, "Self-Reliance"? One of the greatest philosophers. A true visionary.

[GrayEpic]

Real friends stick by a friend erratic or otherwise When I was so called "Normal" I had lots of friends. We did events hung out conversed deep into the night. I really thought I was blessed. After my breakdown they all started breaking off 1 by 1. I disappeared for 2 years after that (Living in a tent in the woods of all things) When I finally came back to the world I ran into an old friend who was overseas during my downward spiral. It took us 5 minutes to pick up where we left off so to me that's a true friend.

I would like to be your friend here and thanks to my friend I know how lol. I might suggest u find gentle places to meet others like the Library or Church if ur so inclined. People who dwell those places tend to have greater substance then the shallow money crowd. Anyway no matter what my hand is extended, and u can (or not) reach out whenever u like

[~Christina]

Welcome to PC GrayEpic

[faerie_moon_x]

It's hard to make friends. I'm terrible at it in the real world.

[Banexatreyu]

When I had a move to a whole other city for a girl experience. Well one of the times atleast. What I'd do is I'd ask her to meet her friends. If you don't have that option. Like if you are by yourself or your significant other also doesn't know anyone. Option 2 just go to a grocery store. As you're checking out (make sure it's someone around your age or atleast looks to be 5 years older or younger. Tell them hi you know I'm new here and just wanted to know if you know of any place where you can really meet people that you can become friends with? Sure you're going to get strange looks at first answers that aren't helpful but eventually you'll find someone that knows what they're talking about. Just research the place first lol. Or go for jogs for some reason jogging tends to be a way people can talk. Personally though if I'm running it's to be left alone but people still try to talk lol.

[middlepath]

Thanks so much for all the responses. It has been very comforting for me to hear that I am not the only one who struggles with this. I appreciate all of the strategies you guys/gals shared to make friends in real life, too. Most of all, it is nice to know that i have friends here. That certainly put a smile back on my face and I was having a very rough couple of days. I am going to try to dial down the awkward and dial up the open-to-people. ((hugs))

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I have no advice . I have no real life friends, maybe I am just a ****** person . ... I am grateful I have made friends here on PC

Least my Dog loves me.

Christina,you are my friend!!! You make me feel better.
Bluemountains

[bluemountains]

I don't have many friends either. It is because I never follow up on people. My feelings get hurt when I am not invited to events, but it's probably my own fault because I never initiate get-togethers. It is just too much for me to mentally handle. I get so anxious about the possibility of things going wrong.
Bluemountains